My story, not my characters...jadda..jadda.. you know the drill..
Authors notes: thanks to a quick beta, I got this up quickly.. more to come in following days..!
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Chapter twelve: Sarah and Sirius
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Sarah gave Snape a kiss on the cheek, transformed, and set off after Sirius. « Why is he so angry? I can feel he is angry with me, but why?» she was thinking while trying not to outrun Sirius.
They ran side by side, through the forest, until they came to a clearing. Sirius came to an abrupt stop and changed back into human form. « Let's rest here» he told Sarah, and she changed too.
« Do you think Remus is ok? He seemed in a terrible state when we went to see him..» Sarah asked Sirius, while sitting down on her cloak. « He'll be fine. He's been doing this all his life.» Sirius said and sat down next to her. « So I still can't believe that you are an animagus!» he exclaimed to the trees.
He sounded his usual self, but as he came to sit with her, he did not feel at all like he used to. She turned to look at him with curious eyes. He felt so different than the cool breeze that was his essense. If the sensation had been a scent, she would have thought something had died, and was rotting away. Yet it was alluring somehow, for it was so strong, emitting from him in waves.
« It's not that big a deal! You make it sound like I discovered a cure for werewolf bites or something.» Sarah said. She didn't like all this commotion about how amazing it was that she was an animagus. Had not Sirius been the one to tell her that it was a common thing - something many people were - and now he was making such a big deal of it. It bothered her, and it bothered her even more that as an metamorphmagus, it had been expected that she master it within one- two months, yet it had taken her nearly twice that. She was embarassed by that, and him sounding so amazed, made her feel that he had never thought she could do it. She changed the subject, and wondered when he would start talking about the feeling that was growing inside him like a tumor.
Sirius didn't. He went on and on about random things. He joked around like he always did. He laughed and teased. She went along with his banter for a while, ignoring the pink dragon between them, until the feeling was so strong. Until she could feel it so well, she could actually smell the foul decay burn her nostrils.
«STOP IT!», she cried suddenly, ruining the punchline of his story. He looked at her questioningly.
« Stop faking! Stop pretending! Just let it out, before it chokes the both of us...», she said in a subdued voice. He looked shocked for a slight second, before remembering that hiding it from her might not be as easy as hiding it from everyone else.
She got up and kneeled infront of him so she could look into his eyes. He looked away, knowing what she was doing. « I can't tell you about the war», he said, and sounded angry.
« I don't want to know about the war. I want to know about you» All light faded from Sirius' face. In an instant he looked like an old tired man.
« Is it really as horrible as they say it is? Dementors and all that?» she asked him. « Yes it is», he said in a same slow indifferent voice.
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He had never talked about Azkaban, not with anyone. Yet now he suddenly felt an urge to tell her, tell her everything. « No, it's nothing like what they say it is. No outsider can ever understand the true horror that is Azkaban», he got up and started pacing around her, trying to find words that would describe even remotely what it felt like.
«The horror of Azkaban is not that you are imprisoned and shut out from the world. It's not the dementors either. It is the fact that you are not so much imprisoned by walls, but by your own pain and suffering. You wake up every day with the worst feeling of emptiness, you go through the day feeling empty, the food tastes like nothing, and everything is just grey. A mist of sadness and anguish covers that place. You feel nothing, absolutely nothing. It's like they have already taken your soul and you are but an empty shell. Dry and meaningless, ready to be crushed at any moment. You go to bed every night feeling empty and isolated and-». «-all you pray is that you never wake up again...», Sarah interrupted, not really meaning to, she was looking out into the trees. A dazed look in her eyes, as if she was daydreaming.
« Yes! That's just what I was going to say» Sirius said surprised. « your senses are really growing strong Sarah.»
She kept her eyes towards the trees, not wanting to look at Sirius. « I don't know how you feel because I can read your emotions. I know how you feel because I was trapped in that same prison for years». Her voice was cold and bitter. Her eyes still focusing on a treetrunk far into the forest.
«You were?» he asked, not really believing that a girl like Sarah, so vivid and full of life, could ever have felt such pain, « will you tell me?». She didn't answer this, instead she told him the one thing she had never told anyone, « When I was growing up, I was best friends with the boy living across from us in our street. His name was Leonard. We were the same age, and we went to the same school. I can't tell you how we got to know eachother, because I can't remember. We were friends almost since the day we were born. Darius, Leonard, and I».
«Who's Darius?», Sirius pondered outloud but mostly to him self. « Darius was my twin. He died when we were eight. I can tell you that story another day», Sarah replied.
« After we lost Darius, Leo and I became inseparable. We were joined at the hip almost. Hanging together from breakfast til bedtime. I guess it was a natural progression. First we were best friends, then best friends who practised kissing on each other, and then best friends who didn't want to kiss anyone but each other. I loved him, I really did».
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Sarah paused and took a deep breath. She fished out a pack of cigarettes from her robe pocket and lit it by tapping the end with the tip of her wand. She had done the spell so many times by now that she barely even had to think the words. « He would have hated that I started to smoke...», she whispered to the wind.
Sirius sat down in the damp grass in front of her, but Sarah looked beyond him, still at that random trunk. «What happened Sarah?»
She glanced at him once, and answered his question as if he had said it out loud.
« After graduation, my dream was to go to Japan, while he had been accepted to the academy of arts in Paris. It didn't pose much of a problem really. We kept in touch in every possible way, but after a little over a year, I'd had enough. I packed up and moved to Paris. For a few months, it was bliss. He studied his art, and I took french lessons and went to culinary school. I already had three years of culinary training from back home, so I only needed one year to graduate. Sirius. It was heaven. All my life I have felt out of place, and struggled to find somewhere I belonged. The exception before I came here, was that time with him in Paris. I felt I had finally found my place, my life. And then I got pregnant. It wasn't planned of course, we were only twenty, but he was thrilled. He was always more mature than me. So ready to settle down. We waited until my first trimester had passed, and then we were flying home to tell our parent´s the news in person».
As Sarah paused to lit a second cigarette with her first one, Sirius looked at her without a word. Tears were streaming down her face the whole time, yet her voice remained calm, and icy. Almost hateful. With what felt like a kick in the chest, he realised where this story was going, and why she was referring to Leonard in the past tense.
« It was Febuary and the roads were icy. I don't remember much. Nothing at all actually. We were on our way to the airport. The car slid on some ice probably. It got out of control, and I woke up five days later in the hospital. Alone. Well, my grandfather was there, but Leo was gone and so was my daugh-». Sarahs voice failed her.
She drew strength from the deepest corners of her soul to be able to carry on. « There were... complications. So I can never have children. My whole newfound purpose in life was ripped from me in an instant. He had left me and took with him my heart and my sanity». She hid her head in her arms and began quietly sobbing.
« Sarah...» Sirius had no words. All he could do was hold her.
« So when you speak of feeling nothing, Sirius, of having your soul sucked out and left as an empty shell. I have felt that too. I spent seven years like that. Completely empty. I know what it is like when the world has lost all color and sound. When whatever little food you manage to eat, tastes like nothing. You sleep, but you don't really sleep. Days merely turn into nights, then back into days. But you barely notice it. You are trapped and isolated from the world, but not by walls and bars, but by your own hopelessness. Your own desperate longing for the world to end».
Sirius was crying now, for her and for himself. « I never thought you of all people would understand the agony of it. You don't deserve to feel such pain. It's too unfair!» he said bitterly. « That's what kills us isn't it, the randomness. It is just not fair!» Sarah cried into the woods.
They talked for hours, both of them being able to express their pain for the first time in their lives.
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« I can't talk about these things with anyone else», Sirius said. « You see it in their eyes. Ever since I escaped Azkaban, they look at me, as if they are expecting me to break apart. Like I am some fragile porcelain figurine held together by the weakest of glues. Even during the w-», he fell silent and drew a deep breath, « even during the war, I was treated like a three year old, who needed to be protected from what was going on. Always whispering behind my back. 'don't tell him', 'he won't handle it', 'keep Sirius out of it'. If I am the old Sirius, the one they remember from before all this happened, at least they can treat me like a normal person. That's the Sirius they handle».
« It is easier not to tell them. I have never said a word about it to my family. It's easier without them gawking at you. As if they are expecting you to fall apart every second. I never told them that I had been pregnant. Can you imagine how they would treat me if they knew. Just like you said. Like I was held together by the weakest of glues...», Sarah sighed. « It was bad enough after I came home. I know exactly what you mean. They kept whispering about me, thinking I couldn't hear them. I left as soon as I could. Back to France, graduated, then moved to Oslo. A city I grew tired of far too quickly».
« At least you handle it better than me. I constantly feel as if I am drowning», Sirius muttered.
« Handle it better than you? Who said I handled it at all?», Sarah pulled up her sleeves, and with a little effort she revealed the hideous scars on her forearms.
« Sarah...», Sirius exclaimed, « it looks like you were mauled by a lion...». Tears glittered in his eyes as he kissed her scars and wrapped his arms around her.
«After that I just became numb...», Sarah muttered into Sirius' hair. « Our own personal hell..», Sirius muttered back, « even though it's been years, and the physical wounds have healed, no matter how much I laugh, or how truly happy I am... there is still-». «-a part of your soul that the light won't reach, that remains dead and cold», she had finished his sentence now.
« Yes, exactly» he said, and kissed her cheek.
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They sat in silence for a while, then she said, « Will this be our secret? I don't want people here to know about my past ». He kissed the palm of her hand, « this will be just between you and me».
She got up now, not having the strength to talk about it anymore, « Are you leaving for London today?». He got up too, « Yes, I have things to do, will you follow me to the gate?».
She took his hand and they didn't transform, but walked back taking their time. As they were walking back, Sirius got up the courage to say something he had been biting back for hours. « You know... Magical healing is far, far more advanced than what muggles can do. If you went to a healer, I mean... it might not take more than a spell or a potion to heal you. So you can have-» « I know that, Sirius. I know that, but... not yet», she whispered.
Outside the gate, he wiped a tear of her cheek, « I'll miss you, will you write to me?».
« I will, might even floo you later today» she said, and he hugged her so hard he lifted her off the ground. Then he kissed her on the forehead and disapparated.
She headed back to the castle. She saw Snape heading back into the entrance hall. « Severus! Wait!», she called and ran after him. She caught up with him when he was halfway up the stairs.
« Shall we have that talk now?» she said, her eyes still red and gleaming with sadness.
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« Sarah! Can you help me with this wretched thing?» Sirius said frustrated. « You still can't do it? After four days?» she came over and helped him tie the sash around his kimono.
They were getting ready for bed, and putting on the simple sleeping robes provided by the inn. Sirius and Sarah had had fair amounts of sake and his coordination was not at it's peak. As she was tying the sash for him, he said nothing. Just looked at her.
« There! That's not too tight is it?» she asked, and looked at him. He didn't say anything, but pulled her towards him and kissed her.
She kissed him back, it felt good and safe. He held her tight against him, and she had her arms around his neck. His lips were soft and warm, and the kiss tender, but there was something that felt off. Something that did not feel right. She pulled back with a careful smile. Sirius still didn't say anything, but returned her smile.
They lied down in the futon they shared, and she crept into his arms. He was strong and it felt like home. They did not kiss again.
« Sarah? I love you. In a perfect world, I would have proposed to you for real» Sirius said softly. He kissed her hair, pulled her even closer, and they went to sleep.
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The next morning Sirius woke up as Sarah was pouring tea for them. They were leaving for the dragon colony today, and she was too excited to sleep anymore. « I put a wake-up charm on you. Figured we could do with an early start.» she said to him, as he got up. He went to wash up, then came and sat down beside her. She was talking about how she was looking forward to going to see the dragons. He took her hand and she fell silent.
« I am not some prize in a contest, Sirius», she said, refusing to look at him. « I know that. I was not trying to make you choose me over him. I meant what I said last night. I love you, more than I've ever loved a woman, but the world isn't perfect. I'm too damaged, too broken to be able too..» he said, « if I had only met you before...before all of that... when I was young and carefree. I would have claimed you as mine and never let you go. Regardless of you feeling the same way or not. I feel that there is a bond between us, unbreakable and eternal, something more than friendship. I feel we belong together, even if it's not as lovers. I feel it goes deeper than that. Like we each have one half of the same soul».
« You know what Sirius? Maybe we do, but I feel we need each others friendship a lot more than we need to be a couple. You make me feel whole again, and I can't imagine living my life without you as a part of it.» Sarah said to him, and kissed his cheek. « I know what you mean.» he said and kissed her gently on the lips. She smiled at him, and said « Come on! The dragons are waiting!»
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Chapter thirteen: Coming Home.
So now that they have had their fun, Sarah and Sirius return to Hogwarts, but will things be the same as before she left?