ah...to hell with disclaimers!
Authors notes: Now I know some of you didnt approve of my last chapter, but I promise you it sets important foundation for future events, and when you read thoose chapters... you will think back at chapter 12 and be happy that they /did/ connect.
chapter thirteen: Coming home
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Since Lupin got the letter from Sarah, Snape had not slept, eaten, or done anything but stare blankly ahead of him. He would lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. He would go to the bathroom to shower, but instead he would just stare at his own reflection. He would stand in front of his window and stare into the dark depts of the lake.
He had been on top of the astronomy tower all day sunday, perched on the ledge, staring out at the view, but not really seeing it.
All he saw was the picture of Sarah and Sirius. How happy they looked, laughing together. He could see the love in Sirius' eyes. The same love that he felt, but had been too scared of showing. He didnt even think about the fact that they might be married. That was too much for his heart to be able to even imagine. « Severus?» a voice said behind him, but he didnt bother turn around to see who it was.
It was in fact Lupin, who had seen him go up to the astronomy tower early that morning, and since he had not seen him since, he was actually worried about him. « Severus, she has not married him», he said, knowing well what was bothering Snape. He still did not respond to Lupin.
« will you listen to me, Severus! It's not Sirius she loves.» Lupin put his hand on Snapes shoulder.
« Leave me alone, Moony!» he said through clenched teeth. « I will, but I'll say this first. Sarah is not in love with Sirius.» Lupin said and left.
Snape desperately wanted to listen to Lupin, but decades of anger and bitterness refused to let him believe the werewolfs words.
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It was almost dark now, and from a distance he could hear the unmistakable roar of an engine. A light was coming up the road towards the Hogwarts gates. He saw the two figures on the motorcycle and knew at once who it was. It was them. They had returned. The motorbike stopped right outside the entrance hall. He could see now that Sarah was driving and Sirius was sitting behind her.
Lupin came out to greet them, and Sarah almost jumped off the bike and into his arms. She had her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck. He could hear Lupin laugh and say, « I missed you too little sister!». He then put her down and gave Sirius a hug.
« Do we have a lot to tell you!», he heard Sarah say, before they dissappeared into the entrance hall. Snape was now caught between not wanting to see the 'happy couple' and desperately needing to see Sarah. He decided to go see her.
The staff had crowded around them. Snape had just stepped down from the last step when he heard Mcgonagall exclaim, « Sarah! is that...is that a ring on your finger?!». He did not stop, but turned and continued down the stairs to the dungeons. On his way to his room he slammed every single door he passed.
Had he gone to join the crowd, he would have heard Sarah and Sirius explain about the pretend marriage, and the fake rings
ooo
Sarah was all too eager to come back home. The past two days had been so exciting and she couldnt wait to tell Lupin all about it. She had missed him an awful lot, and even though she refused to admit it to herself, she missed Snape even more. They had portkeyd from Wakkanai to Edinborough to get Sirius' new bike. They would have reached Hogwarts a day earlier, but Sarah had insited they drive the bike, instead of flying it.
« sometimes the journey itself is half the experience», she had said to Sirius in a very philosophical tone. In the end he agreed that it had been fun to drive. They hadnt seen or done anything special on their trip from Edinborough to Hogwarts, but just the experience of the two of them on the road had been fun. Sirius had let her drive, and was rather surprised that behind the handlebars she turned into a speed freak. She almost scared him at times, going so fast that the countryside was but a blur. Finally at dusk they saw the tall towers of Hogwarts. « we're home!», she had cried out, not really caring if he could hear her or not.
As she pulled up to the castle, Lupin came out of the entrance hall. She had barely turned off the bike, before she jumped at him, flinging her legs and arms around him. « Oh Remus, I have missed you so much!» she said kissing both his cheeks and forehead. He gave her a good squeeze and laughed, « I missed you too little sister!» and kissed her before putting her down and hugging Sirius. « how was Argentina?» Sirius asked him. « Argentina? Screw Argentina! How was your trip?», Lupin said. Sarah laughed. «do we have alot to tell you!» she exclaimed as they were heading in to the entrance hall.
The staff was having dinner when they heard the engineroar of the motorcycle. As Sarah and Sirius came into the hall, they all came down to greet them, eager to see if they really had gotten married. They were showered with hugs and in the mids of all the commotion, Sarah spotted Snape heading down the stairs. Her heart nearly lept out of her chest, and it was all she could do to stop herself from running up to him and throwing herself into his arms. Mcgonagall noticed the ring she still had on her finger, and nearly screamed.
When Sarah looked back to the stairs, Snape was gone. «so you didnt even bother saying hello...», Sarah thought bitterly while Sirius was explaining about their so-called honeymoon.
They were led into the staff room. They had been traveling all day and they were hungry. They had brought gifts for everyone. For Dumbledore they had three bottles of the best vintage sake. He wiped a small tear and said that he had not had sake for half a lifetime, and gave them both a hug. They passed around all the gifts and recieved all their hugs. Finally Sarah annouced that she was utterly exhausted and excused herself from the table. Lupin and Sirius followed.
ooo
In Sarahs room, she started unpacking and withdrew three large boxes from her bag. They were sitting in her bedroom, as the living room was still empty and unfinished.
The first she didnt open, simply put in her closet. The second she gave to Lupin, she had bought him a whole collection of books on dark creatures in Asia, something she knew his personal library lacked. « Now you only need to complete the section on Africa», she told him as he opened the box. He was thrilled. Giving her another crushing hug, and thanking her.
« whats in that one?», he asked and pointed to the third box. Sarah didnt answer, but called for a houseelf, gave her the box along with instructions on where she must place it.
« oh.. for him!» Lupin said knowingly. Sarah said nothing, she was still very hurt that he had just walked passed them in the entrance hall and not even cared that she was back.
Sarah, Sirius and Lupin spent half the night telling eachother about their trips. Lupin told them about the vampires he had gone to study in Argentina, and they told him about London, and Jennifer, about karaoke, and the dragoncolony. None of them mentioned the kiss or the talk they had the day after. This too was something only between the two of them.
« so when did you decide to get a new bike?» Lupin asked Sirius. « I had been whining to Sarah a few times that I missed having a motorbike, and while in London, she finally smacked me upside the head and told me to stop complaining and buy a damn bike. I got it the same place I got the old one», Sirius answered. « you mean that insane old wizard in Edinborough? Is he still alive?» Lupin laughed. « he must be three hundred years old!». They both laughed.
Sarah wanted to talk more, but was really tired, so she stretched out on the bed and fell asleep. The two guys pulled the covers over her and went off to their own rooms, to continue the conversation.
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Snape was lying in his bed staring at the ceiling. Sabine curled up next to him. He heard a loud crack out in the room, and another one immidately after. «what are the houseelves up to?», he thought and got up to see what was going on. A houseelf had left a large box on the coffeetable. It was wrapped in silver and had a green ribbon tied around it.
He opened the box. Inside there was a letter, two smaller boxes and two large bottles. He looked at the boxes. One contained dozens of small bundles of white fur and the other hundreds of small shimmering white scales. The largest bottle was full of a deep blue liquid, thick and bloodlike and the other bottle a clear liquid, that to an untrained eye could have been sparkling water. He finally opened the letter.
« Severus. You wont believe what they had at the dragoncolony in Wakkanai. A Siberian Icebreather! Did you know that there are only five of those in the whole world? Who am I kidding! Of course you know! Well, anyway after a long discussion with the dragoncharmer, I managed to persuade him to give me some fur, scales and blood from his dragon. I knew you didnt have it in your stock and figured 'how often does one come by such rarites?'. Silly me couldnt keep from smelling the bottle and as you might have guessed, it ended in me coughing ice for the rest of the day. I even have a bottle of dragontears for you. How did I get her tears? Easy, I broke her heart. Sarah.»
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The next morning Snape came late for breakfast. Most had been there and left. In fact when he came into the staffroom, the only people there were the 'Knitters', who had ganged up around Sarah in one of the larger sofas.
Sarah had knitting needles in her hands, and Pince was teaching her how to use them. As soon as he walked in she gave him a pained, pleading look. He stepped up at once. « Sarah!», he said angrily, « you said you were coming down to help me today. Did you forget?!».
« Oh my, I must have forgotten», she said as her face broke into a relieved smile. « I am sorry ladies, I did promise Severus I would help him». She got up, and the 'Knitters' looked thouroughly disappointed, but did not protest. Snape led her out of the staffroom, and when outside she hugged him in gratitude.
« They were interogating me, and I couldnt think of a way to get out of there without being rude. They were trying to make me one of them», she said in an ominus voice.
Snape chuckled, « Dont worry. I will never let them turn you into a 'Knitter'». As he said this, his spotted the ring she was wearing. It wasnt on her left ringfinger, where custom claimed one would wear a wedding band, but on her right. His smile faded, and he wanted to ask her if it meant that she wasnt married, or if it was just her and Sirius going their own way as usual.
« you werent at dinner yesterday...», Sarah asked carefully, feeling the change in atmosphere, « I had alot I wanted to tell you...». Snape snorted. « i can imagine»
« I was busy. I am working on something new, and it needs my full attention», he lied, and started to walk away. «wait!», Sarah called and jogged after him. « Can I help? We already said I was helping you today, and I do want to talk to you. I have a few funny stories, and some exciting ones...».
« I said, I am busy!», he snarled and picked up his pace.
Sarah stopped and shoot him an offended look, before heading off in the opposite direction, not really sure where she was going. It was the first time ever he had said he was too busy for her.
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Days passed without a word being uttered between Sarah and Snape. In fact they didnt even see eachother. Snape refused to leave his domain, and Sarah refused to venture anywhere near it.
She would spend as much time as possible outside the castle, swimming with Sirius and Lupin or roaming the more familiar parts of the forest. A place she was certain that the risk of running into the Potions Master was minimal. She would prefer to do this alone, but there was always a certain black dog running beside her. Even times where she had expressedly said that she wanted to be alone, she could sense him trailing her, staying out of sight, but close enough.
She supposed she should feel grateful. It was a sweet thing to do, protecting her like this, but it was annoying the hell out of her.
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« You got the gillyweed?» Lupin asked.
It was an exceptionally hot august day, and Sarahs birthday. It was too hot to do anything but go swimming. Sarah had ordered a whole batch of gillyweed for their own personal use, so they would not need borrow from Snape. She still had not spoken to him.
« right here, sirs!» she said and handed them each a handful of the foul looking slimy weed.
She swallowed her own handful and dove into the water. It was sweet relief to be submerged like this. All sound was blocked out, except the occational singing from the merpeople and random thoughts from the giant squid. Usually when they went diving, she would keep to the far ends of the lake. Away from the cliff wall where Snapes window was. Today however she was swimming alongside a mermaid, talking to her the way she talked to all magical creatures, when they unintentionally came by Snapes window.
Snape was sitting in his windowseat, like he so often did these days. He was holding a book, but hadnt read a word for hours. He had his knees to his chest, and his chin resting on them. Unknown to most this was the standard Snape 'thinking-position', which he unknowingly curled into whenever he had a lot on his mind. Which was often. He was looking out the window, and kept telling himself that it was because view out into the calm lake helpt clear his head.
But the truth was that he sat there almost every day, hoping to catch a glimpse of her. He knew that she had bought quite a large order of gillyweed, and that she, Sirius and Lupin now spent a couple of hours each day, exploring the depts of the great lake.
He never saw her though, as she intentionally kept as far away as she could from where she knew his window was. Today he was again sitting here, deep in his thoughts and longing, when she slowly drifted by, on her back in the water, her long legs slowly paddling her forward, busy conversing with a mermaid.
She was wearing that same black bikini, and her hair floating around her. In his sheer joy of actually seeing her, he forgot that they werent really speaking to eachother anymore, and pounded on the window.
Sarah felt the vibration in the water, and looked around. She was only a few metres away from Snapes window, and there he was pounding on it to get her attention. She too was so happy to see him, that for a moment she too forgot that they werent on the best of terms. She swam up to the window and again she put her left hand over his right, with only the glass between them. She smiled at him, she missed him so much. All she wanted to do was to get through the glass somehow. She had both her hands on the window now, desperately longing to be with him. Then she remembered their last conversation, and how he had snarled at her. Her heart sank again and the joy that had for an instant light up her face vanished.
She looked at him, « what is the point...?» she said, then kicked off from the glass and vanished into the depts of the lake.
Snape had been overjoyed when she actually swam up to the window, and placed her hand over his. She seemed happy to see him. « I miss you», he thought as she was looking into his eyes. She was still smiling at him, not able to hear his thoughts. Then her smile faded and she seemed endlessly sad. She mouthed something to him, something he didnt catch, and swam away.
ooo
She swam ashore, barely waiting for the gillyweed to wear off, this didnt matter as she felt she couldnt breathe anyway. She fell on her knees in the sand, weeping into her hands. Sirius and Lupin came not too long after. « whats the matter, Sarah?» Lupin put this arms around her. She drew breath and wiped her eyes, « nothing I just lost track of time and felt as if I was about to drown. It just scared me» she lied. Sirius and Lupin exchangd glances, both of them knowing she was not being honest about this, but deciding not to bother her with further questions. Sirius kissed her hair, « come on, let's go get ready for dinner, it is your day after all» he winked at her.
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Sarah had specifically told Dumbledore that she did not want a big fuss on her birthday. Staffmembers birthdays were always celebrated with an overly decorated staffroom, and a party lasting far into the morning hours. Usually Sarah was all for birthdays, and over-the-top celebrations, but this year she did not feel up to it.
She showered and sat down on the bed trying to figure out what she would wear. She had the box with the green kimono next to her, but she didnt feel it was quite the right occasion. She felt like saving that for something really special. She rumaged through the robes she had bought in Japan, and finally settled on a satin one. Creamy white, with bronze and gold embrodieries. It played beautifully against her golden sunkissed skin. She sent a well aimed summoning charm out the window and soon white blossoms came soaring in through the window.
She cast an everlasting charm on them and braided them into two thin braids on eitherside of her face. She then pulled the braids back and braided them together into one. It looked like she had a thin garland of flowers on her head.
Her hair hung loose around her in large perfect curls. She had made it even a little longer than usual, almost down to her bottom, and it was a deep shade of golden brown. She looked at her self in the mirror. She gave frowned a little. Had she still been in the muggle world, she would have felt appropriately dressed for a costume party, but she figured that in a world where people wore robes and cloaks daily, she could wear almost anything she felt like. With a shrug, she went to Lupins room.
ooo
Sirius opened the door. He said nothing, just gaped at her. « Is there something wrong?» she asked him. He still looked at her, « No, its... you look magical!», he said flabbergasted. « I guess that quite fitting considering I'm a witch...» she winked at him.
« Lupin is showering, when he gets out, we can all go to dinner». He sat down on Lupins bed and Sarah leaned back in the two seater in front of the fire.
« so where is this secret place you're taking me tonight?», she asked. Sirius shrugged and came to sit in one of the armcharis opposite her.
For a long time, he didnt say anything, just looked at her. Finally it was bothering her.
« what is it Sirius? Why are you staring?» she said, feeling like a shopdisplay.
« I was just thinking how that git could have you sitting on top of him, kissing him and not do anything about it», he finally said.
She gave him a stern look, « can we please refrain from mentioning him today?». She wanted to be able to enjoy her birthday, without thoughts of 'that git'. She was happy that they were taking her out to dinner. At least that way she didnt have to sit and stare at his empty chair at the table in the staffroom. Knowing that he was so obviously avoiding her hurt. More for each meal that passed without him.
Lupin came out of the bathroom, dressed and ready. « Sarah! You look fantastic!» he exclaimed.
« shall we?» Sirius was holding the door open, his hand outstrechted towards Sarah. She took his hand, and the three of them headed out.
ooo
The great hall was made to look like a japanese garden, with a large pond filled with waterlilies and in the middle of it an island where the diningtable was placed. There were small islands in each corner of the hall, on each a large stone lantern. Stepping stones made a path through the grass and pond over to the island where the table was. Instead of the usual hundreds of candles, there were hundreds of paper lanterns floating in the air, and from somewhere there came the unmistakable clunking of a bamboo water fountain.
Everyone was sitting at the table waiting for Sarah and the boys to come. Even Snape was there. He had not intended to go, but Dumbledore had gone down to him and told him that enough was enough.
That he should start acting like a grown man and stop hiding in the dungeons like a little kid. He had been reluctant at first, but Dumbledore had all but ordered him to be there. He was already regretting listening to Dumbledore, when Sarah came into the great hall. Sirius was covering her eyes with his hands, guiding her in to the room. Snape nearly fell of his chair when he saw Sarah.
« she looks like a godess! », he thought while strugglig to keep from staring at her. Sirius removed his hands, and Sarah saw what they had done to the great hall. She was speechless. She made her way across the stepping stones while saying, «Albus! I told you I didnt need a big fuss. This is so beautiful! It's far too much». She had made her way to the small island now and hugged Dumbledore who had stood up when she came in. Sirius and Lupin were right behind her. Dumbledore hugged her back and said, « Oh no my dear, of course I wanted to make your first birthday at Hogwarts special, but this...» he gestured around the room « this was all Sirius' doing».
She turned to Sirius, « you did all of this for me...?».
He took her hand and kissed it, « Happy Birthday, Sarah».
« Oh Sirius...» she flung her arms around his neck and hugged him. He gave her a quick but tender kiss on the lips. One by one the staff came over to give her a birthday hug. Snape remainded seated but after a terrifying look from Dumbledore, he got up to give her a hug. He came over to her, and all his anger and jealousy vanished as he got to take her into his arms. All he felt was his profound love for her.
ooo
After missing her for so long, the feeling of being allowed to hold her again was undescribable. Sarah felt the same way, she too had missed being in his arms, and now she did not want him to let go. She hoped that time would slow down and let her linger in the moment longer.
« Happy birthday Sarah», he whispered in her ear, his heart refusing his arms to let go. « Severus, you have no idea what it means to me to see you here», she whispered back. They reluctantly let go of eachother. Both desperate to hold on, yet both hurt and angry at eachother.
They sat down and Dumbledore made a champagnebottle pour itself in everyones glasses. « Let us all raise our glasses to the youngest member of our little group. Happy Birthday, Sarah. I'm sure I can speak for all of us when I say that these eight months you have been here, you have found a special place in all our hearts».
Dumbledore winked at Snape when he said the last part. Everyone toasted Sarah and the food appeared on the table. They ate and drank their fill and then the plates cleared and a gigantic triplelayer chocolatecake with dark chocolate icing appeared on the table. It had twentyseven gold candles. « remember to make a wish before you blow out the candles» Lupin told her, « but be careful what you wish for, because in this world, birthday wishes actually might come true».
Sarah closed her eyes and opened them. Her eyes met Snapes who was sitting exactly opposite her. She looked him straight in the eyes and held his gaze while blowing out every single candle.
« what did you wish for?» Sirius asked and took her hand. Sarah glanced over at Snape again and said, « I cant tell you Sirius, this one wish is one I so intensly want to come true, that I dare not do anything to jinx it. If it ever does, I'll let you know».
Snape noticed that Sirius had the exact same ring as Sarah on his right ringfinger aswell. He had a bad feeling of what this meant, but refused to think about it now.
ooo
« Now as tradition is, the birthday girl must cut the cake and hand out the pieces» , Lupin said and gave Sarah a large sharp knife. « alright, now where I grew up, the superstition is that if your piece of cake stands on your plate and does not fall while handed to you, you will be married within the year.» Sarah said. She then proceeded to cut the cake and hand out pieces to each and every one at the table. This little game made it a bit more intresting. Every piece was followed closely as it was placed on the plate and handed to whomever it was intended for. So far, every piece had fallen.
« This one is for you Severus», Sarah said and carved a large piece for him. It stood up while she placed it on the plate, and she handed it to him with a steady hand. He took it, and it was still standing. The table applauded him. « Looks like you'll be getting married» Sarah said and winked at him. Snape turned a light shade of pink. « dont worry, its just a game after all» she said again.
Sarahs own piece fell to one side as soon as she lowered it on the plate. « oh darn», she said and sat down to finally taste the cake. « well you did just return from a honeymoon », Sirius said to her. Everyone at the table except Snape got the joke and laughed.
After second helpings of cake and lots more champagne, someone suggested that it would be nice to dance. With a flick of Dumbledores wand the pond turned to a dancefloor. Suddenly classical music was playing as from invisible speakers. Sarah didnt even care where the music was coming from.
ooo
« Milady?» Sirius was being very theatrical, bowing before her and offering her his hand. This made Pomfrey, Sprout and Hooch giggle like schoolgirls.
She took his hand, and he escorted her out on the dancefloor. « I dont know how to..» she whispered. « not to worry, just let me lead» he whispered back, and sure enough, she let him lead and they twirled and twirled. Soon more people were joining inn. Even Mcgonagall was being led out by Lupin now. Dumbledore was already twirling Pomfrey. The music and dances were all classical, and nothing like what Sarah was used to, but she figured this was to be expected as all of the staff, except her, Sirius, Lupin and Snape, were over the age of 70.
Everyone was dancing now, except Snape and professor Burnett. Snape was watching Sarah dancing around the small island with Sirius. Her long satin robes billowing around her legs, her hair being tossed here and there. She moved with graceful, fluid motions. He wanted to leave, watching her with Sirius was torture to him. Yet he was so enthralled by her, he could do nothing but sit and watch.
Sarah and Sirius came back to the table for more drinks. They were laughing at something. «come on Sarah! Dance with me some more» he beckoned her before she had even sat down. « No Sirius, I...» she whispered the rest in his ear. « alright then» he said somewhat disappointed, bowed and kissed her hand again without taking his eyes of her. Then he went to Burnett, and offered her his hand in the same overly theatrical manner. She took it and they went to dance leaving Sarah and Snape alone at the table.
ooo
« why arent you dancing?», she asked him. «I dont dance», he said in his deep low voice.
« Can I ask you a favour?»
She looked at him with a little smile. « as long as it does not involve dancing».
« Will you walk with me back to my room...» she said to him. He did not say anything, but stood up and offered her his hand. She took it and they discreetly left the great hall. Everyone was having so much fun dancing, that no one noticed them leave.
They did not speak to eachother while walking to Sarahs room. They didnt take any of the short cuts, and he held her hand the entire way. When they reached her door, the comfortable silence yieled to a more strained and ackward one.
A part of her wanted to ask him to come in with her, but a louder voice was saying,
«let it go Sarah, he does not love you». Snape wanted to kiss her, but he kept thinking about the ring that both she and Sirius was wearing. « Let it go Severus, she does not love you».
Suddenly he pulled her in for a hug. As he squeezed her in his arms, Sarah could feel their hearts beating in unison. She thought of that last day before she had left for London, how she had begged him to tell her to stay with him, but he had just looked at her and said nothing. An unwelcome feeling was building up inside her. She hugged him harder. As if it was the last time she would see him.
« happy birthday» he said again, still hugging her.
As he pulled back he saw her eyes were brimming with tears. « whats wrong Sarah?», he asked and brushed his thumb over her cheek. She smiled said, « oh nothing, I'm just drunk and overwhelmed. Thank you for walking with me. Good night». She went in and closed the door behind her, not wanting him to see her crying.
Snape headed for his own room, feeling that she had lied. As he undressed, he saw that one of the flowers she had braided in her hair, had come loose and was caught in his hair. He put it on his nightstand, and went to sleep, dreaming of her.
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It was now less then two weeks til september 1st and the relaxed, slow summer pace, sped up as everyone was busy preparing for start of term. Sirius was leaving after the full moon two days after Sarahs birthday. It had been hard on the both of them, they had spent pratically every second of the whole summer together, and the bond between them had been strenghened immensly. The day before he was too leave, they spent the entire day alone together.
« after two months with you, I think I'll go crazy alone in that house» he called to her. Sarah was in the bathroom changing out of her swimwear.
She agreed, « it'll be so weird, waking up and not having you there. No Sirius at breakfast, no Sirius to go running with, no Sirius...»
He drew out his wand as she came out of the bathroom, « give me your right hand». She did as he asked. He put the tip of his wand on the ring on her hand, and muttered something. The ring glowed for a second, and then returned to normal. She took it of and read what was now engraved inside the ring. « Sirius, that is...» she had no word to decribe what she felt at this moment. « mine says the same, I thought we could keep them.» he said and again he kissed her. His kiss was as tender and loving as before, but again without the burning desire that she had felt when kissing Snape. There was just an underlying sadness to it.
« are you rea-» Lupin had just walked in and stopped midscentence when he saw they were embraced in a kiss. Sarah and Sirius broke apart. « I...», Lupin cleared his throat, «...came to get you two for dinner»
He looked from one to the other, a very puzzeled look on his face. « Oh great, I'm starving!» Sirius exclaimed, pretending nothing that happened.
Not at dinner, nor at the small party they had at Hagrids after, did Lupin mention what he had seen. Not until the next day after breakfast, when they had said goodbye to Sirius and he took off on his flying motorbike.
ooo
Lupin turned to her and said « So he finally told you how he felt about you?»
« you knew?» she asked him. « of course I knew, I've been his best friend for thirty years, havent I?» he replied, « the way he looks at you, specially the last three, four months. Oh I knew, but I didnt think you felt the same about him».
She hesitated, not really knowing how to explain, « It's a bit more complicated than that, Remus. He told me how he felt in Tokyo, but we talked it through and...well we both agree that it would have never worked between us. That it's not really a romantic thing, but something different. Like we share the same soul, we belong together, but not as a couple.» She looked at him, hoping he would understand what she meant. « is that why you are still wearing the rings?» he asked.
« you remember when I told you I knew what was broken inside Sirius? Well, I know because the same is broken inside me. The reason it could never be us is that the same pain that keeps us from being together, is the very foundation for the bond between us».
« but then why were you kissing?», he asked. « It was not like that, it was just a goodbye kiss, since he was leaving. It wasnt... it didnt feel like» she sighed « like when I kissed Severus..».
« so you still have feelings for him?». Lupin looked at her, questioningly. « Yes. I mean no, I've decided I'm not going to feel that way about him anymore».
Lupin laughed a little, « Sarah, you cant just decide that you dont love someone anymore...».
« No but I can decide that I'm going to ignore my feelings and move on. There is no point when he does not feel the same about me».
Lupin looked at her. She seemed so sad. « Sarah, I dont think thats true. When we got your letter, and everyone thought that you might have actually married Sirius... well, Snape was devastated».
« he was...?!»
« yes, it seemed the very idea that you might be taken, tortured him. He seemed utterly heartbroken.»
A flicker of hope light up inside Sarah. « thank you for telling me Remus» she said and kissed his cheek.
ooo
End notes: I realised something while going through this... When I scetched the outline for this story, it came with a prelude. A glipmse into the future, and the way the story was written was so that it looped up until it hit the prelude. If what I just said made any kind of sense... any way, I strayed from what idea, but now I feel maybe some of the details in the story will make more sense if I do have a prelude...
So I ask you, should I upload a prelude to this? Tell me what you think and I´ll listen ;-) and as always... thank you for reading.