The sun rose slowly the next morning, lighting up Andrew's bedroom.
"The light...it burns..." Rex hissed.
"Oh, shut up, Rex, nobody's buying your stupid Vampire act!" Rachel rolled her eyes at the mentally ill plastic dinosaur.
Andy sat up in his bed, yawning quietly. He looked at his Mickey Mouse calendar that had boogers stuck to it and suddenly screamed shrilly like a girl.
"TODAY'S MY BIRTHDAY PARTY!!" He stripped and quickly did the disco naked in the center of his bedroom until his mom opened the door.
"Andy, honey, would you like some eggs?" She asked in a motherly voice, carrying a breakfast tray full of foods. She looked up and saw her son in the nude and screamed at the top of her lungs, dropping the tray.
"MOM!!" Andy gasped, covering himself. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN HERE? I TOLD YOU TO KNOCK ON THE DAMN DOOR IF YOU'RE COMING IN!!"
"I WANTED TO SURPRISE YOU! EXCUSE ME IF I TRY TO BE NICE TO YOU, YOU UNGRATEFUL BRAT!! I SHOULD'VE NEVER HAD YOU!!"
"GO TO HELL!!"
"NOT UNTIL I SEE YOU GO FIRST!" She grabbed a shattered piece of a bowl she dropped on the floor. Andy fled as fast as he could, running around the entire house naked as his crazy mother chased after him.
"A typical morning in the Davis house," Woody smiled, applying blush to himself.
Buzz ripped Andy's smelly socks off of himself. "Who's ready for the big birthday party?"
"THE PARTY'S TODAY!! NOOOO!!" Rex began peeing uncontrollably as he ran around in circles, urine shooting out in all directions.
Jesse the yodeling cowgirl waltz in, and opened her mouth to speak as some of Rex's pee shot into her mouth.
She swallowed and shot a dirty look at Rex.
"REX! BAD BOY!"
"I'm sorry mommy."
"I AIN'T YO MOMMY!"
"Shut up, slut," Rachel said.
"Wanna say that to my face, bitch?" Jesse raised both of her fists up and ran at Rachel. Rachel merely stepped to the left and Jesse went flying into the wall. She looked dazed and looked around at everyone.
"HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY FLYING TEA CUPS?" She said before falling unconscious.
"Flying tea cups?" Buzz raised an eye brow.
"I threw those filthy things away," Woody said, raising his shoulders. "I thought she didn't want them anymore."
Bo Peep gingerly stepped into the room.
"HEY, BABY!" Woody ran at Bo Peep.
"DON'T TOUCH ME! I'm very fragile," She sighed. "All because of that rotten doll that threw me down the stairs..."
"MOMMY I'LL BE A GOOD BOY I PROMISE!!" Andy wailed as he crawled up the stairs naked.
Woody took some pictures of Andy secretly with his father's digital camera before all the toys flew to their spots.
Andy burst into his bedroom, and the room suddenly smelled like shit.
"That kid needs a friggen bath!" Mr. Potatohead breathed.
"AGREED," All the toys said in unison.
Andy quickly clothed himself in a bright green t-shirt, blue short-shorts, and some white sandals. Woody and Bo Peep checked him out quickly before Andy hurried downstairs.
About an hour later the toys heard some noises outside.
"It's probably just Mrs. Davis raping another man..." Mrs. Potatohead sighed.
"No, the guests are here!" Hamm called from atop Andy's dresser. The toys all scrambled to look out the window and saw a Chinese boy step out of a small silver car carrying a box wrapped in light blue paper with polar bears everywhere. The Chinese boy began walking towards Andy's front door, but then, as if psychic, the boy suddenly looked up at the toys all in the window.
"Oh shit!" Woody screamed and quickly closed the blinds.
"That was a close one!" Rex whined, farting.
"REX!" Rachel scolded.
"Did he see us!?" Mrs. Potatohead screamed obnoxiously.
"Who cares, open the blinds again!" Mr. Potatohead commanded and the blinds flew open. A bunch of kids were swarming around the Davis household, carrying all kinds of presents! There were small ones, big ones, brown ones, yellow ones! Red box here, blue box there. Gifts were everywhere!
"I've got my eyes on that fabulicious little lad wearing the red sweater and-" Woody looked at the other toys who were giving him a weird look. "WHAT? I MEANT THE GIFT HE WAS HOLDING!"
"Whatever you say," Buzz said, and the toys continued to peep like the nosey bastards they were.
"We'll go get Molly's baby monitor ready for our spying purposes yet again, SIR!" Sarge yelled at Woody. Woody turned around and glared at the plastic green man.
"I mean MA'AM!" Sarge quickly corrected himself.
"That's better!" Woody smiled. "Ok, good idea. You go spy. We'll be waiting for the news!"
The army men got their gear ready and got Molly's baby monitor while the toys in Andy's room got the receiver. The army men all worked together and carried the monitor with all their might down the hallway. They grabbed one of Molly's jump ropes and used it to lower it to the first floor. As they did Mrs. Davis walked over.
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS DOING IN THE HALLWAY?" She screeched and she stomped on it as hard as she could, destroying it as she stomped on it many more times.
"SHIT!" The army men screamed as Mrs. Davis pranced away happily.
"Ok, who wants chips?" She asked Andy's little friends at the party. "I'VE GOT COOL RANCH AND BARBEQUE. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE SHITS ALL WANT?"
The Chinese boy quickly moved away from everyone while they were distracted by chips and Mrs. Davis's PMSing problems.
"Ok, now what?" He whispered to his gift. The wrapping paper suddenly tore open as a bloody hand shot out and Bambi rose up from the dark, cold depths of the bright blue polar bear wrapped box.
"NOW..." Bambi grunted as he lifted himself out and landed on a coffee table with cigarette butts and sweaty bras scattered about it. "FOLLOW ME TO THE GARAGE," Bambi commanded.
"I don't wanna play games with you anymore!" The Chinese boy cried. "You're mean!"
"REMEMBER OUR BARGAIN, LING-LONG? YOU HELP ME AND I DON'T KILL YOU. YOU REFUSE TO HELP ME AND I SLIT YOUR THROAT."
Ling-Long nodded. "Yes, I remember..."
"Good boy. Now be a nice little Chinese boy and fetch me some booze."
"Some what?" The young boy asked, perplexed.
"SOME FRIGGEN BEER, YOU DUMBASS! MOVE, MOVE!!" Bambi screeched like a drill sergeant. Miraculously, not one person heard the conversation between the two as they feasted upon stale, 17 month old potato chips.
Ling-Long quickly eased his way into the kitchen and out to the garage.
"Smells like poop in here!" The boy commented to himself as he moved over to the fridge and pried it open. Some maggots were feasting upon some weird sandwich that had mold infesting the interior of the refrigerator. The young lad grabbed a couple of cans of beer and waddled inside quickly, handing the cans to Bambi who was still standing impatiently on the filthy coffee table.
"It's about time!" Bambi snapped, opening all of the cans. "Go grab me the soda bottles from the kitchen."
Ling-Long came back a moment later with the soda bottles. Bambi quickly opened the bottles and dumped all of the cola into Mrs. Davis's fake potted plants and quickly began filling the bottles back up with some Budweiser.
"What are you doing?" The small boy asked, confused.
"Shut the hell up," Bambi snapped, continuing his duty. "Ok, now bring me into the kitchen! NOW!!"
Ling-Long picked Bambi up and brought him into the kitchen, placing him on top of the kitchen counter. Bambi quickly began opening all of the drawers in the kitchen. "AHA! Ling-Long! Get over here!"
"What is it?" Ling-Long asked, stepping towards Bambi slowly.
"Do you think this is sharp enough?" Bambi asked, digging in the drawer.
"Sharp enough for what?"
"FOR THIS!" Bambi suddenly yelled, pulling out a huge knife and stabbing the Chinese boy in the throat as blood gushed out. The Chinese boy screamed before being stabbed and fell to the floor. Bambi hopped on top of him and chopped the poor child's nose off and quickly threw it in the macaroni salad Mrs. Davis had prepared for the guests. Bambi laughed and quickly dragged Ling-Long's body out of the kitchen and into the garage just as Mrs. Davis came in a moment later.
"WHAT'S ALL THE NOISE IN HERE?" She screamed, but saw nobody was in here. "...Oh. WHO WANTS MACARONI SALAD!?" She grabbed the bowl of macaroni salad and exited as Bambi walked in from the garage a second later...without Ling-Long. Bambi quickly ran back into the living room where all the children were playing Twister and eating the macaroni salad Mrs. Davis was serving.
"Ew, there's boogers in mine!" A little boy said, disgusted.
"Sorry, must've fallen in when I sneezed all over it earlier!" Mrs. Davis smiled sweetly, then frowned as the kids looked at her, horrified. "IT'S JUST A COUPLE OF DAMN BOOGERS, THEY WON'T FRIGGEN KILL YOU! EAT MY DAMN FOOD, YOU BRATS!"
The kids quickly shoveled the macaroni salad into their mouths. Bambi finished up adding all of the beer into the soda pop bottles and hid as Mrs. Davis came over and started giving beer out to kids, unknowingly.
"This soda tastes funny..." A small child comment, scrunching his nose up.
"IT'S DIET COLA, CAUSE IM WATCHING MY WEIGHT, YOU LITTLE SHIT. DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT? IF YOU DO THEN I'LL SHOVE THIS BOTTLE UP YOUR ASS!! Seconds, anybody?" Mrs. Davis smiled charmingly. The group of children all got refills and continued to take large swigs of beer, unbeknownst to themselves and Mrs. Davis. Until they began puking all over Mrs. Davis's living room set.
"WHAT THE HELL!!" Mrs. Davis hollered. "MY PRICELESS LOVE SOFAS!! WAIT UNTIL I GET MY HANDS ON YOU LITTLE BRATS!!"
"Mrs. Davis! Your soda made me sick!" A frail little nerdy kid cried.
"Don't be ridiculous, the soda is perfectly fine you little sissy!" Mrs. Davis snapped at the 8 year old. Just to prove it to him, she poured herself a tiny bit in a Dixie cup and slurped it down.
"Mmm...that's pretty good cola..." She grinned for a moment then frowned and went wide-eyed. "HOLY SHIT. THIS ISN'T SODA! IT'S BEER!" With fire in her eyes she ran after Andy. "WHAT DID YOU DO YOU LITTLE ASSWIPE!!"
"It wasn't me this time mommy, I swear!!"
"THIS TIME!?" Mrs. Davis screeched. "WHEN ELSE HAVE YOU BEEN DRUGGING MY DRINKS?!"
"Well..."
"GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!" Mrs. Davis ran after Andy as he flew up the stairs and locked himself in the bathroom.
"OPEN THE DAMN DOOR BEFORE I KNOCK IT DOWN MYSELF!" His mother screamed. By now the party guests were throwing up, falling to the floor unconscious, and running around stripping and humping random objects; in other words, the 8 and 9 year olds had gotten their first drunken experience.
"All according to plan..." A dark shadow laughed from the potted plant in the corner.
After an hour, everybody (that wasn't unconscious by now...) was gathered around Andy as he opened his many presents.
"Socks?" He held up lime green socks.
"FROM ME!!" A little boy giggled, then threw up.
"Ew."
"MY CARPET!" Mrs. Davis whined, biting her nails.
Andy tore some red and brown plaid designed wrapping paper off a box and held up the box, reading the big, bold, yellow letters. "Empress Mel-On-Head. You can now add the evil empress to your Buzz Lightyear toy collection and reenact the famous battles between Buzz and one of his most powerful arch-enemies, the evil alien empress herself!"
Inside the box sat an action figure about the size of Buzz Lightyear. The alien empress had a pale, green-ish tone to her skin, and had tentacles sprouting from her head, with cold, gray eyes. She wore a dark, purple, plastic cloak that dropped all the way to her knees, where she had bendable legs.
"Oh boy!" Andy exclaimed. "Thanks so much, Robby!"
Robby was unconscious in the corner.
Andy viciously tore Empress Mel-On-Head's box open and pressed one of the three buttons in her back.
"NOT TODAY, BUZZ LIGHTYEAR!" The empress called in a seductively sexy voice.
"I think I'm going to like little miss Mel-On-Head..." Bambi grinned to himself in the potted plant, and began cackling maniacally. Until Mrs. Davis threw a shoe at the potted plant, telling it to shut the hell up.