A/N: So if felt really good to write the first chapter of this. Castle deserves better than Kate is giving him right now and I liked the image of him recognizing and acting on that. But, I couldn't leave it that way. Beckett's strong enough to realize that she needs him as much as he needs her and do some of the chasing for a bit. I've got several more chapters outlined and plan to publish them soon, but don't know what kind of schedule I'll be able to maintain. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the story, good or bad.

Chapter 2: Regrets

Kate leaned against the front door of her apartment after shutting it behind her. She closed her eyes briefly but was greeted with the memory of Castle and the anger and hurt she had seen earlier that day. She quickly opened her eyes, trying to avoid reliving that moment. She moved slowly into the room, laying her keys, gun and badge on the coffee table. She wandered into the kitchen and opened the fridge. She wasn't hungry in the slightest but the familiarity of the task helped her avoid feeling that her world was crumbling around her. She moved to the cupboard and settled on some red wine. Maybe it would help her relax enough to sleep tonight. Surely things would be better in the morning.

After finishing the bottle, she'd been able to fall into a restless sleep, but Kate woke a few short hours later with fresh tears staining her face. She'd dreamed of him, of all the moments they'd shared over the years, all the heartbreaks they'd caused each other – Castle meddling in her mom's case, Demming, Gina, Josh, Montgomery, her shooting and recovery. They always seemed to hurt one another. She wondered if it was for the best, going their separate ways. Her head said it was but her heart knew better.

She groaned at the pounding in her head as she rolled over and looked at the clock. It was three o'clock in the morning and it looked like she wouldn't be getting any more sleep tonight. She laid on her back staring at the ceiling in the dark, remembering more of her dreams. She'd dreamed of the times they'd been there for each other. When they'd saved each other and faced death together. She laid in bed recalling the feel of his arms around her as they sat in the freezer, the taste of their kiss during the rescue of Ryan and Esposito, the warmth of his hand in hers as the bomb ticked down. She remembered, also, the pleading look in his eyes as he begged her to let her mother's case go and the strength of his arms and the pain in his face as he carried her away from Montgomery in the hangar. Even as she'd fought against him, she'd been glad he was the one there with her. The worst memory was of how he'd held her after she'd been shot, begging her to live, telling her he loved her. She'd lied to him about that, denying that she remembered any of it.

Getting up, she stumbled into the kitchen to start some coffee brewing. While she waited, she went to the medicine cabinet to get something for her headache. Closing the cabinet door she met her own eyes in the mirror. She stared at herself for a long time trying to decipher the memories and emotions that threatened to overwhelm her. How the hell had she gotten here? The smell of fresh coffee pulled her out of her head and into the kitchen. Pouring herself a cup, she began to get ready for the day. She would head into work early and bury herself in the cases and paperwork. Just like always.

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Kate walked slowly into the morgue. Looking around at the cold and steel always made her feel alone. Even with her best friend, the ME, here, this room always seemed so lonely, always reminding her of loved ones lost. Her eyes searched the room for a moment before landing on Lanie working on her computer.

"Just a sec," the doctor called upon hearing Kate enter, but she didn't turn from her work yet.

Kate sighed and nodded, even though the ME couldn't see her. She wasn't sure why she'd come down here. She really didn't want to discuss everything with the other woman but she couldn't stand to be upstairs in the bullpen. He had his writing and occasional meetings so it wasn't uncommon for him to be gone sometimes, especially when they didn't have an active case. No one else seemed to have noticed but for her, his absence screamed louder and louder every minute. She knew it wasn't business as usual with him. She knew he wasn't coming back.

When she came out of her reverie, she saw Lanie watching her with a concerned look on her face. "You OK, girl?" her friend inquired.

Shaking her head to try and clear her thoughts, Kate glanced at her watch. It was almost lunch time. "Yeah, I'm fine," she assured the ME. "Do you want to go grab some lunch?"

Lanie didn't look convinced that Kate was fine, but she went along with it, for now. "No Writer Boy for lunch, today?" she asked with a suggestive glint in her eye. Kate just shook her head. Really worried now, Lanie agreed to lunch, "Sure, Kate. Just let me get my purse."

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They sat down in a booth at a diner near work. After placing their orders, Lanie looked expectantly at Kate who pretended not to notice. Realizing it would go on like this for the entire meal if she didn't push, she prodded Kate, "Are you going to tell me what's going on?" As Kate started to shake her head, Lanie continued, "And don't even try to tell me nothing. I know people. People who are good at getting information out of those reluctant to share. Don't make me call them."

Kate swallowed anxiously, looking down at her lap. "He's gone," she admitted. It came out as little more than a whisper, but her friend heard it and seemed confused.

"Is he on a book tour?" she asked. They both knew exactly whom they were discussing.

Lanie was surprised to see Kate's eyes shimmer with tears when she looked up from her lap. "No," Kate continued, "He's really gone. For good." Kate wiped quickly at the tear that rolled down her face.

The ME's expression registered real shock as she waited for her friend to continue.

Looking out the window, Kate began, "Yesterday, I walked in on him kissing" her voice broke and she had to pause to regain control. "He was kissing someone else. It hurt me to see it and I stormed off. He followed me." Kate paused to wipe another tear away. She met Lanie's eyes and continued, "We fought. Actually, it was too one sided to be a fight. He yelled at me and then he told me he was done waiting. He walked away without even looking back."

The other woman quietly nodded. "Let's go, Kate. We don't want to talk about this here." Lanie quietly asked the server to make their orders to go and the women left the diner shortly.

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Sitting on the roof of the Twelfth Precinct, Lanie watched Kate ignore her lunch as she stared off in the distance, sharing what had happened yesterday with Castle. As she listened, Lanie was conflicted. She knew Kate was hurting and wanted to comfort her friend. But she also knew Kate was partially at fault here. She had ignored Lanie's pushes to talk with Castle, admit what she remembered, accept how she felt. And now, it had blown up in her friend's face. If the ME was surprised at anything, it was that it had taken him this long to do it. Most men would have given up much sooner. It just proved how much Castle loved Kate.

Lanie realized that the talking had stopped, but Kate continued to stare across the city. Her concern for her friend won out and she walked up and wrapped Kate in a hug.

"What do you want Kate?" Lanie gently asked.

"Him," came the soft reply.

Lanie sighed, expecting as much. "Then fight for him, but only if you're sure, Kate. Really sure. Because if you aren't one hundred percent committed to this... I don't think he can take anymore. If you get his hopes up and don't follow through, it will break him in a way I don't think he'll ever recover from." She waited as Kate thought about what she'd just said.

"Him," Kate repeated, "I want him."

Lanie smiled and said, "OK, then," as the two women headed back inside.