Chapter 4: Progress

As Kate sat at her desk in the empty bull pen, she was thinking about how to get Rick to come back. She couldn't fight for him if he wasn't around. Maybe they'd get a case he wouldn't be able to refuse. Was it wrong to hope a body dropped today?

Shortly after noon, she overheard Ryan and Esposito playing rock paper scissors to see who has to ask her about Castle. Ryan groaned as he lost. "Beckett," he called from his desk, hoping for safety in the distance between them. She didn't let him have that as she walked over. "Yes?" she inquired.

"Um, where's Castle? This is the second day he hasn't been here and he usually lets us know when he'll be out of town for a while." Ryan continued.

"Not here," is all Kate said. She walked a few steps away before turning back over her shoulder, "And not coming back." Then she left the bull pen.

The boys looked at each other with shock. They were both surprised that she hadn't said more, hadn't commented on Castle's absence. She hadn't even told them to mind their own business.

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Kate closed her phone and set it back on the coffee table. It was the fourth time in 2 days that she'd called Rick. He hadn't taken any of her calls. She was disappointed but had to admit it was expected. She'd known it wouldn't be that easy.

After reaching for her wine glass, she settled back into her couch. She wasn't surprised anymore by how much she missed him. She thought about him all the time, her mind constantly filling in the irreverent remarks he always made. She also hadn't realized how many little ways he took care of her, made sure she knew he cared for her. The morning coffee was only the tip of that particular iceberg. Castle was the first man she had known that respected her need for space. He never pushed when she didn't want to share what was going on in her head. He didn't even seem upset by it. Of course now she realized that it must have wounded him more than he'd shown. It scared her to think about opening up more to him but she knew she would have to if they even had a chance.

She realized that while she had tried so hard to keep herself from caring too much for him, lest he disappear and leave her alone, she had utterly failed. She was in love with him. She couldn't deny it anymore, at least not to herself. She also saw now that pushing him away hadn't protected her from the pain like she'd hoped. She wondered if she hadn't actually made it worse because she knew she'd done it to herself. She had no one else to blame.

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Beckett sat in her car, outside Castle's building. It had been a few days since she'd last tried to call him. She was hoping that the passing time made it more likely that he would let her in. She'd been wrong. With a groan she remembered standing outside his door and the courage it had taken her to finally knock. She'd been both disappointed and relieved when Martha had answered the door.

"Is he in?" Kate asked quietly.

"Yes," Martha replied. "Come in, and I'll go tell him you're here."

Kate waited nervously in the foyer while Martha headed towards the office. It surprised Kate to see Martha close the door behind her after she went in to Rick's office. She could hear the murmur of voices, taking longer than a simple "someone's here to see you" conversation. Finally, she heard Rick raise his voice, "Damn it, Mother. I already answered that. Now, leave!" There was a moment of silence before Martha exited the office, alone, quietly shutting the door behind her. The older woman looked sadly at Kate before explaining, "He said to tell you he's writing right now and can't be disturbed." When their eyes met, it was clear that both women knew that writing wasn't really the reason he wouldn't see Kate. Neither of them was prepared to address the real situation, though.

"Oh. OK." Kate said, a flush creeping over her face. "That's OK. I'll just go now."

Martha nodded and opened the front door for her. As Kate passed by, she felt Martha's touch, gentle on her back. She smiled sadly at the older woman before turning and walking through the door.

Once Kate was outside the building, she had looked back up at Rick's office window. She thought she saw someone move quickly away from the window, but couldn't really be sure. Now she sat in her car overwhelmed by discouragement. She was just now realizing how hard this was going to be. She had known she had hurt him but didn't fully understand how much until now.

She drew a deep breath and squared her shoulders. She had her issues but she was certainly able to be strong and determined when the situation called for it. This one clearly did. Rick didn't stand a chance. As she pulled away from the curb, her focus was on what her next move would be, so she missed the return of the figure in the window of Rick's office.

Rick stood in the window watching Kate drive away. His mother had been insistent that Rick come out and greet his visitor. She'd asked him what happened, why he wouldn't come out and see her. She obviously wasn't buying the writing excuse, and Rick had to agree it was pretty flimsy. He'd actually had to yell at her to get her to leave. After she'd closed the door, he'd gone to the window hoping to catch a glimpse of Kate. He was miserable without her but he kept telling himself that it would get better. He'd learn to live without her. He would stop aching for her presence. He would stop dreaming of her all night long. He poured himself a drink and sat back in his chair, knowing he wouldn't get any more writing done today.

A soft knock interrupted his thoughts. "Come in." he sighed. Looking up, he saw his daughter in the doorway.

"Gram said Detective Beckett came by," the girl stated, pausing to give her dad a chance to respond. He merely nodded. "She said you wouldn't see her, that you sent her away." she added. He nodded again.

"Why, Dad?" she asked. "What's going on that you're not telling us? You claim that you're spending more time at home so you can write and you lock yourself in the office all day. Gina keeps calling, wanting to know where the next chapter of Nikki Heat is, though so you must not be writing. Something is wrong. What is it? Did you and Kate have a fight?" Rick looked up, once again wondering at the girl's perceptiveness.

"Alexis, I don't want to talk about it." he replied.

"I know, you've already said that," continued Alexis, "but something is clearly going on and you are obviously unhappy. You always tell me that talking about it makes it better."

He leaned his head back against the chair, "I know pumpkin, but not this time. It's …. complicated. I'm fine." he looked at her disbelieving face before admitting, "I'll be fine." He finished his drink and resolutely stood up. "So what do you feel like for dinner tonight. Want to make some pizza?" He headed to the kitchen not looking back to make sure she followed. The discussion about Kate and him was obviously closed. She headed into the kitchen too, letting him think he'd avoided the topic, knowing she had other ways to find out what had happened.

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The next day, Kate was slogging through paperwork on their latest case when someone sat in Castle's chair. That surprised her because everyone in the precinct had been studiously avoiding the chair since Rick had been gone. She was even more shocked when she looked at the occupant and saw Alexis sitting there. The girl looked guilty which worried Kate even more.

"Alexis," the Detective began, "is everything OK? Do you need help?"

Alexis looked startled by the question and then understanding dawned, "Oh, no, Detective Beckett. Nothing like that is going on. I'm here on a personal matter."

Kate relaxed a bit while waiting for the girl to continue. When she didn't, Becket prompted her, "Then why are you here?"

Alexis had already been questioning the wisdom of coming to see the detective. Now she felt sure she shouldn't have come. She stood up brusquely. "I'm sorry, Detective. I shouldn't have bothered you. I'll leave." She was turning a bright shade of red as she turned to leave. Kate stopped her with a gentle hand on the shoulder.

"Hey, it's OK. Really. I'm just …. surprised to see you here." she hesitated. "Does your dad know you came to see me?" Kate asked, already suspecting the answer was no.

Alexis still looked unsure as she sat back down on the edge of the chair. "No, he doesn't," she admitted and then looked Kate straight in the eyes, "and he'd be really mad if he knew I was here." she finished.

Kate nodded knowingly, "I thought so. What was so important that you'd go against your fathers wishes?" she asked, knowing that Alexis was usually one to follow the rules, sometimes too strictly.

"I'm so worried about him. He's not himself and won't tell me what's going on. I want to know what happened. Why isn't he coming to the station anymore? Why is he so unhappy? What happened to you two?" The words, now that she finally had the courage to say them, came out in a rush.

Kate stalled, "It's complicated."

Alexis huffed and rolled her eyes. "That's what he says too. I think that's crap." she said with a faint blush.

Kate was surprised at Alexis' response. "It's true" she insisted, "it is complicated. I also don't want to overstep. If he hasn't told you, maybe it's not my place to."

"Oh please, since when is he mature enough to manage his own life." she demanded?

"Look, all I'm going to say is that we had a ….falling out and he's pretty mad at me right now." she paused before admitting ruefully, "Not without cause, either. Anyway, I'm trying to fix things. He's just being more stubborn that usual. You don't need to worry about it, Alexis. We'll get it settled." Kate realized she sounded far more confident than she felt.

Alexis pondered the older woman's words for a moment. "I'm just worried about him. He's trying hard to seem OK but sometimes he gets this awfully sad look on his face. All he does is hide in his office. He says he's writing but I hear very little typing actually going on and Gina keeps calling, asking for the overdue chapters of Nikki Heat. He's not writing, he's not going out, he's not talking to anyone."

Kate knew she shouldn't ask, but couldn't help herself. "I thought he was seeing someone?"

"He went out with some woman a couple of times but he hasn't seen her in a few weeks. Not since he quit coming to the precinct." Alexis explained.

Kate tried to assure the girl, "I know you're worried about your dad but you're going to have to be patient a little longer. He's going to be OK." Kate assured her. She stood and Alexis followed suit.

"Thanks, Detective Beckett." Alexis offered. "It helps to know a little more about what's going on."

"Anytime." Kate assured her, pulling her into a quick hug.

Kate watched Alexis enter the elevator and thought about the conversation. Apparently, Rick wasn't as serious about the other woman as he'd led her to believe. That was interesting. She was a little ashamed at the feeling of relief that flooded her with the knowledge that he wasn't seeing anyone. She should want him to be happy, but what she really wanted was for him to be happy with her. This was good. Kate smiled inwardly; it was very good.

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Alexis knew immediately that she'd been found out when she got home. Her dad was agitated as he paced around the living room. He turned towards her as soon as she shut the door behind herself. She could see the anger in his face.

"Where have you been?" he demanded sternly.

"I, uh, went to the precinct. To see Detective Beckett." she almost whispered.

"After I specifically asked you not to?" he was getting quieter... and angrier.

"Dad, you wouldn't tell me anything. You're clearly unhappy. I am worried about you. I just want to know what's going on." Alexis explained.

His eyes narrowed as he asked his daughter, "Did you tell her I was unhappy?" His tone of voice made it clear what the right answer was.

Alexis looked at the ground and admitted quietly, "yes."

She was unprepared for his explosion, "Damn it, Alexis! What were you thinking? I asked you to leave it alone. I made it clear..." he stopped himself as he watched tears roll down his daughter's cheeks. He immediately felt guilty for yelling at her. This situation was not her fault. He took a moment to compose himself.

"I'm sorry, pumpkin. I shouldn't have yelled," he said, pulling her into a hug. "I just really don't want you to interfere in this. I know you're worried, but I'm fine. Really."

Alexis just nodded and went up to her room.

That evening, in his office, he thought guiltily about how he'd blown up at Alexis. And about how worried she must be about him to have gone to the precinct. He resolved to do a better job at hiding his distress. Worrying his daughter and mother would only complicate the already difficult situation.

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Kate checked her email, the next morning, just like she did at the start of every day. She was searching for a surveillance video she was waiting on when a name stopped her in her tracks. It was from him. Her stomach clenched as she clicked on it to open it.

Beckett,

Don't discuss my personal life with my daughter. Don't discuss anything with her.

R.C.

She could feel his anger radiating off the screen. He must have found out that Alexis had come to see her and was obviously not happy about it. She hoped the girl hadn't gotten into too much trouble at home. She was also just a little pleased. At least he hadn't ignored her this time.

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Kate gave him a few days to calm down a little before trying to contact him again. This time, she sent an email. Suspecting that he might not even open it, she put the main message in the subject which read, "I'm sorry. Please call me." He didn't call and didn't reply, not that she'd expected him to.

The next one, three days later, said "Rick, please talk to me." That one didn't get any response either.

A couple of weeks and 5 more emails later, she upped the ante. This one said, "Always, Rick. You said always." Thirty minutes later she had a reply.

Kate,

Yes, I said always. And I meant it. I still do. If you need anything that's in my power, you'll have it. But that doesn't mean I have to keep following you around, waiting forever for you to finally think I was worth the risk. If you were ever going to take a chance on us, you would have done it by now.

R.C.

She sighed. At least he was talking to her again.

It was progress.