Prompt: Chinese saying from 'Kung Fu Panda' -"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present." - Thanks to Graveygraves for suggesting this prompt!
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Morgan unlocked the door to Reid's apartment and walked in. He felt relief at the sight of Reid sleeping peacefully on the couch. The younger man needed to catch up on his rest.
Walking quietly through the living room, and was soon joining JJ in the kitchen.
"You look more relaxed," JJ commented looking up from the dishes she was cleaning in the sink.
"I feel more relaxed. Didn't realize how much I missed Clooney until I saw him. Thanks JJ. I needed some time away."
JJ smiled and nodded. "Spence and I needed today too," she told him.
"How long has he been sleeping?"
JJ finished the rinsing the last bowl she had used while cooking, and reached into the sink to let the water out of the sink. "About a forty-five minutes now," she replied. "Which gave me time to make the two of you some baked ziti. All you've got to do is cook it when you're ready for it."
"Thanks, JJ. That was nice of you."
"I needed something to do," JJ said with a shrug. "I should probably get going. I've got some errands to run but if you need something don't hesitate to call."
"I won't," he told her, stepping forward to embrace the blonde media liaison.
After the hug, JJ gave Morgan directions for cooking the dish. He walked her quietly to the door and saw her out. Turning, his gaze falls on the sleeping form of Reid, though the peaceful look had now disappeared from the younger man's face. Walking over to the couch, Morgan stood watching Reid for a few minutes. Other than the wrinkles that had appeared in the young man's forehead, there were no indications of distress. Deciding to leave Reid sleep for now, Morgan returned to the kitchen.
He was placing the pan of ziti in the oven when a shout made him jump slightly.
"No! Morgan!"
Morgan shut the oven door quickly and started for the living room. Reid was still asleep on the couch but he was now tossing restlessly. As he hurried over, Morgan could still hear the younger man saying his name, followed by 'I'm so sorry'. As he knelt down next to the couch, he realized Reid was crying in his sleep.
"Reid, wake up!" Morgan said loudly, reaching out to place a hand on his friend's shoulder. "Reid!" Morgan said, shaking him slightly. There was no change in the younger man other than the words coming from him.
"I didn't mean it! I swear I didn't mean it!"
"Reid, wake up!" Morgan tried again, this time reaching out and placing his other hand on the side of Reid's face.
With a gasp, Reid's eyes flew open his eyes unfocused.
"Reid, you're okay. It was just a bad dream," Morgan said, still watching Reid closely.
"Morgan?" Reid asked quietly, finally registering his friend's presence. "But I . . ." Reid let his words trail off as he turned to face the back of the couch.
Morgan didn't move. This had to stop now. Reid needed to talk about what was going on or he wasn't going to be able to move on. Bottling things up inside was no good. Morgan knew that better than anyone.
"Reid, talk to me."
"I'm fine. It was just a dream," Reid told him. Morgan watched his friend wipe away tears and struggle to get his emotions under control. It took him a few minutes, but when he felt he had managed to check the tears, Reid sat up on the couch, moving down to sit on the end cushion. "See. I'm fine. Nothing to worry about," he said, forcing a smile.
Still kneeling next to the couch, Morgan looked up at him, not buying it for a minute.
"Kid, you were crying in your sleep. None of the other nightmares that I've witnessed have caused that. You're not okay."
"I'm fine, Morgan. Really. Things will be fine."
Listening to Reid's attempt at reassuring him, Morgan felt he was beginning to understand Reid's reluctance to talk to him. The comment about not burdening him with anything else and his fears of Morgan leaving. Feeling that Reid was holding back in an attempt to not push him away, an idea came to Morgan of how he might be able to get Reid to talk to him. It was risky but he was at a loss for what else to do.
"Well, then if you're fine, I guess you don't need me here," Morgan said getting to his feet. "Dinner is in the oven. JJ said it will take forty-five minutes to cook," he added, starting for the door.
"What? You're just leaving?" Reid asked, the panic evident in his voice as well as on his face.
"Well, you insist you're fine. You won't talk to me. What good am I doing here?" Morgan told him. He had reached the door. Reaching a hand out for the door knob, Morgan prayed that Reid would try to stop him. He didn't want to leave him, even for a minute but he had to do something to get Reid talking again.
"Please don't go."
Even in their whispered state, the words held such a pleading tone to them that it tugged at Morgan's heart. He turned to look back at Reid. The younger man hadn't moved from the couch but his eyes were looking directly at him.
"Then you've got to talk to me, Kid," Morgan replied softly. "I can't just hang out here and watch you suffer like this. I may not be the best one to help you through things but bottling things up is not good for you."
"I didn't want to push you away. I thought you suggested that I talk to a professional so that you wouldn't have to listen . . ."
"No, Reid. I made that suggestion because I thought someone trained to deal with things like this might be able to help you more. I feel like I'm in over my head and I don't want to make things worse."
"I turned to drugs to forget my problems. I don't think things could get worse," Reid said, looking away from Morgan.
Morgan looked at Reid and how things could be worse immediately came to mind. A possibility that he wasn't about to give voice to. Instead he walked back toward the couch and sat down next to Reid.
"I'm here to help you, Kid, to the best of my ability. I want you to talk to me but sometimes I don't know how to respond or what to say. There are times that I feel inadequate to help you through this."
"But you know, Morgan," Reid said, repeating the sentiment he had voiced to JJ earlier that day. "I don't need to recount what happened with Hankle because you were there when it happened and reliving those events . . . well, it's bad enough in my mind. I don't want to have to put . . ."
Reid's words broke off and he swallowed hard. Morgan reached out to put his arm across the younger man's shoulders but stopped when Reid pulled away. Or well attempted to, as the arm of the couch didn't give him much room to retreat.
"I can understand that," Morgan said, pulling back his arm and respecting his friend's need for space for now. "All you had to do was tell me that and the subject would have been dropped but please, Reid, don't try to go back to keeping the nightmares to yourself. You've come so far in the last week and trying to bottle things up will only sabotage that."
"I don't want to burden you."
"Reid, look at me," Morgan said, his voice firm and commanding. He reached out and placed a hand on Reid's shoulder, feeling and seeing the younger man's slight jump at the touch. Morgan didn't remove his hand this time though and waited until Reid had finally turned his head to meet his gaze before continuing. "You are one of my best friends, Kid. I would never think of anything you do, say, or ask me for to be a burden no matter what I'm doing or what time of day it is. I'm always going to be here for you, Kid. Do you understand me?"
Reid nodded in response.
"So, you want to tell me what the nightmare was about?" Morgan asked, softening the firmness of his voice as he asked the question.
Reid looked away, staring at a point on the floor in front of him. Instinctively, Morgan moved the hand that was on Reid's shoulder to the opposite shoulder, his arm now across the younger man's shoulder. He wanted to make the young genius feel a bit safer and though Reid stiffened up, he didn't pull away this time.
"I was in the cemetery in Georgia, digging my own grave. I got a hold of the gun, pointed it at Hankle and pulled the trigger only I didn't shoot Hankle - I shot . . ." Reid stopped as his voice wavered.
Morgan thought about what Reid had been calling out in his sleep and he had a feeling he knew who it was that Reid had shot in his dream. Still, he knew that the younger man had to get those words out himself in order for it to do him any good.
"I shot you," Reid continued, a few moments later, his voice still wavering. "I saw the bullet wound in your chest, and the blood seeping everywhere. I tried to stop it, but there was so much blood on my hands and more coming out with every heartbeat. I kept apologizing but I didn't get any answer and I knew, just like I had killed Hankle, I had killed you."
Reid managed to get the last words out just before the tears he had been trying to hold back won the battle. Without hesitation, Morgan pulled the younger man closer to him, wrapping both arms around him. Reid didn't offer any resistance now as he leaned his head against Morgan's chest.
"It's okay, Kid. It was just a bad dream," Morgan said softly, the words feeling so inadequate to him but he wasn't sure what else to say. He only hoped they would help in even some small way. "I'm right here. I'm warm and breathing and you can probably even hear my heartbeat."
"It seemed so real," Reid said quietly, the words sounding muffled.
"It couldn't be. You'd never hurt me. I know that."
There was no immediate reply, only the sounds of Reid's sobs. Finally, Reid managed to calm down a bit to get his next words out.
"I've seen that moment before in my dreams. It's . . ." Reid drew a deep breath. "It's replayed many times in my head but I'm always standing there, looking at Tobias. Only this time . . . this time . . ."
Reid never did finish the thought as he let the words trail off in sobs.
"It was probably just your subconscious trying to deal with our little misunderstanding," Morgan said, trying to be the voice of reason and hoping he wasn't coming out sounding accusatory.
"I just want the nightmares to end," Reid said through his tears.
"They will. It's just going to take time."
Reid took a couple of deep breaths before he was able to speak, his voice seeming a bit calmer now to Morgan.
"Yeah, as the nightmares are more than likely caused by the traumatic experience of being held and tortured" Reid paused as he wiped tears away, "clinically speaking if I can deal with that experience they should go away." His hand made another swipe at his face. "Of course nightmares can also be caused by withdrawal and sleep deprivation can also be a cause for them so perhaps the nightmares stem from . . ."
"Is this analysis really helping, Kid?" Morgan asked, interrupting the academic speech.
"Well, knowing the cause of the nightmares is the only way to know exactly how to treat them."
"Are you really qualified to make that diagnosis?"
"Well, I am a doctor."
"Wrong type of doctor there, Kid."
"I just want the nightmares to go away, Morgan," Reid said, a fresh wave of tears hitting. He had to swallow hard a few times before he was able to continue. "I want to be able to close my eyes without fearing of what I might see."
"That time will come, Kid," Morgan told him reassuringly. "And until you can, I'll be right here, we all will, to tell you to open your eyes and see what's real."
Reid didn't have an immediate response. Morgan wasn't sure if it was because the younger man didn't have anything to say or that he was unable to respond. The only thing that was breaking the silence was Reid's sobs.
"It's going to be okay. You just need to give it time," Morgan said, hoping the words were sounding reassuring to the younger man."
"I don't get it," Reid said after a few more minutes, having begun to regain control of his emotions.
"Don't get what?" Morgan asked quietly. As Reid hadn't yet made a move to pull away, Morgan kept his arms around the slender frame.
"Why you're all even still bothering with me after everything I've done."
"You're our friend. No other explanation should be needed," Morgan told him quietly.
"Friends don't treat friends like I've treated all of you. The things I've done - well I wouldn't forgive myself for."
"It's easier to give forgiveness when it's someone you care about than to forgive yourself. We've all forgiven you. Now you need to find a way to start forgiving yourself."
"Almost everyone."
Morgan thought about the response trying to think of who hadn't been by to see Reid in the past week. As he mentally went through the list of teammates, it didn't take him long to come upon the missing one - Gideon. He was about to say something when Reid started speaking again.
"I can't blame him though. After the things I said to him the last time he tried to help. I'm surprised he didn't just turn me in after that."
"I'm sure it wasn't that bad, Kid."
Reid finally pulled away from him, and reluctantly Morgan let him loose, though he managed to keep one arm around the younger man's shoulders.
"You weren't there, Morgan," Reid began as he wiped the tears off his face with his shirt sleeve. "You didn't hear the things I told him, and after everything he's done for me. All the times he's helped me sort things out. He was just trying to help and I threw that offer right back in his face."
"You did that to me a few times too, if I recall correctly. I'm still here," Morgan told him, growing alarmed as he watched Reid's already pale face go whiter. "Hey, Kid relax. It's going to be okay. Just remember, 'yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present'."
"I don't see what is so special about today," Reid said softly.
"You were able to work things out with JJ today weren't you?"
Reid nodded.
"And you and I worked out our little misunderstanding, right?"
Morgan received another nod in reply.
"Those sound like pretty nice gifts to me," Morgan told him.
"I guess you're right," Reid replied. He looked over at Morgan. "Where did you hear that saying anyway?"
"My World Philosophies class in college," Morgan replied.
"You took a Philosophy class?"
"What? You think just because I don't have a sky-high IQ or would have preferred to be throwing a football when I was younger that I couldn't handle a class that required you to think."
"No," Reid said defensively, which got a smile out of Morgan. "You just don't strike me as the philosophical sort."
"Just because I don't live and breath it like Gideon, doesn't mean I don't find it interesting at times," Morgan replied. He realized his mistake at mentioning the older profiler the moment Reid buried his head in his hands. "If it's bothering you that much, Kid, why don't you call him?"
Reid replied without looking up -his hands muffling his words.
"I didn't catch that," Morgan told him.
Reid lifted his head. "I'm afraid he wouldn't answer. I don't think I could deal with that."
Morgan wasn't sure what to say to that. Though he had gotten Reid through the withdrawal process, Morgan realized they were still on a slippery slope. It wouldn't be hard for something to cause a relapse, so if Reid said he had doubts about dealing with something, Morgan wasn't going to question that. He did however plan on making a phone call when he could do so in private. A talk with Gideon would give him the best idea of what this final obstacle was going to be like.
"You're not alone, Kid," Morgan said at loud, giving Reid's shoulders a squeeze. "Remember that."