Rise! WOW! It had me screaming in horror, in happiness and in annoyance. It was just amazing!
I've been wanting to write a Caskett thing to this song for ages and after watching Rise I just got this in my head. I managed to triple the word count of my essay that I was writing at the same time.
I own nothing that you recognise.
Katie – Missy Higgins
Kate Beckett was a strong woman, a good detective, someone who stood up for the people who were overlooked.
Only she wasn't always this way, no. She'd been a mess, a shell of a person. She put on a brave face, convinced everyone that she was alright. That she wasn't as far into it as it seemed yet every waking moment was consumed with the memory of the night that she'd crossed the yellow tape into her mother's murder scene.
She was too young to have been tortured that way. Too young to have been forced to live without a mother and with an alcoholic father.
All her aspirations were lost, she spiralled deeper and deeper. She was consumed with thoughts of getting justice, of making the person who murdered her mother pay. When she had nowhere else to turn justice seemed to be the place for her to head. She thought that joining the force would give her hope, by giving other's the closure that hadn't been gifted to her. But by losing herself in her mother's murder she unknowingly dug herself deeper into that hole.
For ten long years she struggled, ten years with nothing but her mother's unsolvable murder hanging over her head.
Working case after case she began to prefer the 'freaky ones' because the crimes of passion were almost always bloody and reminiscent of that night. She lost herself in his books because they were never senseless murders, there was a reason, a trail of evidence and justice. His books provided her with hope that she'd find the killer because no murder is unsolvable, you just have to find the loose threads.
One day, three murders, one psychotic fan and a revengeful brother changed her life. In the mess a relationship would be born, one that would bring light to a darkened life.
She no longer moved through the days mindlessly, she had to watch, to listen and keep up with the fast paced writer. He'd jump to conclusions that would pan out, and she learnt to listen. To trust, something that she hadn't been able to do in a long time. It might not have been complete trust but it was there, hanging loosely.
It was a complicated relationship that they had. One filled with coffee, innuendos, eye sex and laughter.
Together they would build theory, finishing each other's sentences off as they went. Turning a blind eye to the fact that the lust between them was growing into something more. The moment it truly struck her was when he showed his human side for a moment, the human side that wasn't afraid of pain. He absorbed part of the weight that was on her shoulders, keeping her from sinking under in some cases.
But then, just as it was sparked in one day, the trust was torn down.
He wanted to drag up the past that she had tried for so long to push away. He was going to let her fall back down that rabbit hole. So she pushed him away, he wouldn't have done this to her if she meant something to him, would he? She tried to convince herself that his interest was not in her but in the story and that was the only reason he was pushing her to re-open the case.
Only she knew that it wasn't. She tried to stay away, to stop herself from letting him crawl back into their world but it wasn't going to work.
He managed to push his way back in, with a helping hand if she was completely honest. Her attempt at a cold front couldn't last, he charmed her like everyone else only the charm that he used wasn't the same. It was the type he reserved just for her. Not the charm that oozed but the charm that he had waiting, if you were tough enough to resist the first wave.
When she got Coonan, the man who killed her mother he was there, right where she wanted him to be.
When he told her he was leaving she realised something, that he'd managed to break her wall further down. He'd managed to weasel his way into her tough heart with his cheeky smile and crude jokes. He made her feel a little lighter, less like she was drowning with each breath. She couldn't imagine going back to the time when he wasn't there with them, helping to put criminals behind bars. Each time she thought of the separation her heart sunk, like a lead weight out at sea.
For another year he kept steadily chipping away at her wall, watching it fall with glee. With each new piece of her that he gained she smiled too.
She knew that he'd never make it the full way in, that she'd never let that wall fall, yet the persistence with which he kept coming back at her was endearing. With each little success she couldn't help but wonder when her defences were going to storm back up and stop him from reaching what really mattered.
Maybe that was why she agreed to date Demming.
He was just a distraction, another brick in the wall to stop him reaching her. She needed space and Demming provided it. A great guy, just not the great guy for her. What was she looking for? The man who she knew was waiting for her.
She shouldn't have been surprised that the one time she pulled a piece of her side down he stopped reaching.
Walking out with Gina on his arm was him building another brick in the fence. Giving her the space that he thought she would want. Only she didn't want it. She wanted him to be charging at her with full force, helping her break down the barrier to her heart. She wanted to be the one walking next to him, laughing all the way to the Hamptons.
Over the summer and the start of the fall she could feel the defences building back up, growing stronger each day that he was away. Then he was back.
Such a perfect entrance for him really, dramatic and mysterious. She wanted to hit him, scream at him, let her anger out in some way but she couldn't. She still wanted him with her, she wanted him back trying to get to know her. Maybe she pushed a little harder in the interrogation but she couldn't help it. She was jealous and jealousy is an ugly little monster.
Josh. Oh Josh, the next distraction in the hall of Beckett's unloved men.
He was sweet, caring and passionate but once again, not what she wanted. She wanted childish, funny and adoring. He may have been handsome but not roguishly so. She tried to let Josh in and forget about him but she couldn't. With each kiss she'd be imagining his blue eyes on hers, not the doctors.
They say that there's nothing like a life or death experience to put your mind straight.
In 48 hours they survived three, if you count the radiation scare. Nothing had seemed clearer but there was Josh, that additional brick that she was holding there until he cared enough to smash it away. Not that it would take a smash, all it needed was three little words.
When they caught Lockwood, together he saved her life, again. He did it without thinking.
She refused to admit that the only thing holding them back from becoming something was her. She wasn't ready, she didn't want to let those final bricks fall. Instead she held onto the false relationship with Josh, letting him comfort her instead of the man that she wanted.
He really couldn't keep himself out of her personal life and for once she didn't mind.
He went to extraordinary measures to give her things, things that she didn't even need. He didn't do it because he had to, just because he wanted to. He wanted to see her smile, even if she wasn't going to be his for the moment he was waiting for her. Letting her see that he was there, no matter what she did to push him away.
He was the only person who saw behind the pretence. Behind her 'I'm Okays'.
He may have pushed but to be honest she didn't mind. She may have been affronted but only because she didn't want to face the truth. She didn't want it to be proven that she was drowning in a sea of self pity. He reminded her of things that she had tried so hard to deny, the things that had been happening for thirteen long years.
When she was being stubborn he pulled her back up, pushed her from giving her life.
Those moments by the car will be forever imprinted in her mind. The sadness in his blue eyes as he held her mouth to stop the cries from escaping was gut wrenching. The reminder that he cared, more deeply about her than she could imagine anyone would.
One shot, changed her life.
One little bullet dragged her into the sleep that seemed like it would be everlasting, one little bullet that brought her to the edge of death and back, twice. She thought that she'd die in his arms, she thought that he'd watch as the life faded from her eyes. It may have been selfish but in that moment she was glad, because the pain would be gone and it would have left her in his arms.
But three little words pulled her though 'I love you.'
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