Camp Revenge 2

Camp Revenge Season 2

Chapter 10: "Dirty, Dirty Stripper Shane"

There's something about the possibility of more. More tequila. More love. More anything. More is better.

"I feel like hell," I said and leaned up against Jason.

"Me too," he said, eyes still closed.

"I don't ever want to look at another beer again," I muttered.

"There's a bar in town,"

I stood up. "Let's go,"

I helped Jason up and then he grabbed his car keys from the table, missing a couple times but he finally got them. He sat in the front seat of his car, but I dragged him out. "You're too drunk to drive," I said and got in the front seat.

Jason leaned up against the car. "Ugh…" he muttered and went over to the passenger seat.

I drove us to the bar, and just like Jason said, it was there in the center of town. I parked in three parking spaces – which was ok, because most people here didn't exactly park correctly either. Jason and I stumbled into the bar, no questions asked, and ordered beers - I guess the bartender assumed we were of legal age since we were already drunk.

We sat there drinking them for a while.

The bartender came up to me. "What happened to you?" he asked.

"My uncle is having an affair with my girlfriend's mum," I told him.

"Ouch," he said. He turned to Jason. "You?"

He shrugged. "I'm just totally wasted…"

I held out my shot glass. "Hit me baby one more time," I half-sang, half-slurred.

I dank some more – a lot more – and then called my uncle. "Come pick us up," I told him.

"What? Why?"

"Well, I used to drive home after getting drunk, but then some mommies got MADD," I told him.

"What? Where are you?"

I turned to the bartender. "Where am I?" I asked.

He held his hand out for the phone and so I gave it to him. He talked to my uncle and then gave me the phone back. I put it in my pocket.

"He'll be here in five minutes," he said.

I nodded. "Can I have another beer?" I asked.

The bartender shook his head. "You've totally exceeded the limit,"

"There ain't no limit on the amount of fucking beers I can buy!" I screamed.

"There is when you start yelling like that,"

Jason moaned and banged his head on the table. "Can't… think right,"

"You can never think right," I said.

"So… true…" he mumbled.

I pointed to Jason. "You know what your problem is?" I slurred.

"What?" he asked, picking his head up.

"YOU OWE ME MONEY!" I slurred and then slammed my head down on the table, groaning.

"You know what I have?" Jason asked.

I turned to him. "What?"

He took out a bottle of pills. "Ritalin – my ADD medicine. It makes you feel happy," he said and handed me three pills. I popped them in my mouth and drank them down with some beer.

Then, I felt someone pull me up. It was my uncle. "Ah, ha ha!" I laughed. "Sir Brownie! Are you here to slay the dragon with us?" I asked.

"No, I'm here to rescue you from the dragon. Now come on," he said and pulled me and Jason by our shirts. He paid the bartender and then we got into his car, I in the backseat, spread out, Jason in the front seat, banging his head on the window.

Uncle Brown drove us back to camp and I went into my cabin. My uncle tugged at my shirt. "Oh no you don't," he said. "We have little kids coming today as day campers and they are going to use your cabin; we don't want them to know what being drunk is at the ripe age of five, eh?"

He led me and Jason over to his cabin. I ran over to his bed and plopped down on it. "Oh, thank God," I said, pushing my face into a fluffy pillow.

"Do I look like I have rubber sheets?" he asked and pulled me up. "You're sleeping on the floor," Uncle Brown grabbed some newspapers and set them down on the floor under a table. He laid me down on the ground under the table and then gave me a stuffed raccoon. "Here's a nice fluffy pillow,"

I positioned the stuffed animal so that I could sleep on it. My uncle put a pot by my head. "It's right by your head. You can't miss it – I just got the carpet cleaned; don't barf on the floor,"

I closed my eyes and tried to go to sleep.

X X X

When I woke up, I'm guessing it was around five and then I got up from the floor and noticed the barf all over the newspapers and the pot… and my face. I wiped it off with my sleeve and then went back to my cabin.

I still seem to be a little drunk… and a little high.

I opened the door and saw Nate and Caitlyn in the cabin, talking. "Let's play strip poker," I slurred stumbling into the cabin. "I'll go first," I started taking off my shirt then ran around. "I'm SUPERMAN!" I yelled.

I started to do the Soulja Boy dance. "Mmm… Soulja Boy… and Soulja Boy…"

I pointed to Caitlyn. "Oh? You got a full house? Well that sure beats my two-pair," I unbuttoned my jeans and took them off, running around in nothing but my boxers.

Caitlyn and Nate exchanged glances but I was too wasted to actually hear what they were saying.

"WULA WULA WOOOO!" I screamed and then made a farting noise with my tongue. "I'm so loopy… woot woot… havin' so much fun!"

I went over to Caitlyn and picked her up from the ground and started dirty dancing with her. She screamed and tried to get away, but I grabbed her and pole danced with her – if she were a pole. "Barney is a dinosaur, from our imagination!" I sang.

Then, I let go of her and ran out of the cabin, running to Mitchie's mum's cabin. She wasn't in there so I went through her dresser and pulled out some lacy pink underwear with a matching bra. "OH YEAH," I said to myself and put them on.

I ran out the cabin and went into my uncle's cabin. He gave me a weird look. "What are you doing?!" he screamed.

I went next to him and placed my hands on his shoulder. "Guess who I am?"

"No!" he said.

"You're right!" I laughed. "I'm dirty mistress number three – AKA Mitchie's mum,"

My uncle grabbed my shoulders and looked in my eyes. "Are you... high?"

I laughed. "OH you better believe so…" I said and then ran.

"SHANE! NO!" He yelled after me.

I ran out of the cabin with my frilly pink bra and matching panties and then ran straight into some little kid. She looked at me and then screamed. I fell to the ground. "Hi sweetie! I'm Harry… Harry Potter," I said and held out my hand. "Nice to meet you, Miley Cyrus,"

Uncle Brown grabbed me by the hair and pulled me up. "OW! OW! OW!" I screamed. "Slow down there, Mario!" I laughed. "Ha! SLOW DOWN THERE, MARIO!" I laughed again and then banged my fist on the ground. "Mario… SLOW DOWN THERE!"

My uncle apologized to their tour guide that was showing the little snot-nosed kindergarteners around and then dragged me by my ear back into his cabin. "You're a very kind son of a bitch," I said.

He rolled his eyes. "Thanks,"

When we got back to my uncle's cabin, Mitchie was there, helping Jason up and then she looked at me and her jaw dropped. "Are those my mum's hooker panties?!"

I laughed and nodded. "Oh yeah. I'm a dirty, dirty stripper!" I went over to her and made out with her.

She pushed me away. "Kiss me when you aren't drunk or high… you taste like vomit," She sighed. "You always make me think that even screwed up people have a chance. So, no. You do not get to break down. You do not get to fall apart. There's still a chance. Pull yourself together and stop getting drunk and high,"

"But what kind of geese?" I asked.

"What?" she asked.

I shrugged. "I don't know."

Then, I collapsed on the ground, laughing my ass off.

Gimme gimme more, gimme more, gimme gimme more. More. We're gonna need more alcohol, people.