Author's Note: OMG, an UPDATE? Of HTA? FINALLY, right? Sorry. It's just that the other chapters I had already started a little, and this was the first one I had to come up with the whole 40 for. So, you know I'm a RAVING MattXMello fangirl, but reading your reviews, 91% (no, that's not exact, it's not even an educated guess- I just wanted to be like L :3) of you were most excited for the Near chapter. Don't say that I don't love you.

Dedication: To all my (crazy) new buddies in anime club! Whoo!

Disclaimer: Death Note characters own don't or its I. (The grammar check on my computer isn't underlining that… that's worrisome).

How to Annoy Near

1. Tell the manager of Toys 'R' UsÒ that you caught him shoplifting, thereby getting him banned from his favorite store.

2. Make him watch all three Twilight movies. Compare him to Bella.

3. "A-a-albino sheep, have you any wool?"

4. Lock him in a room with Mello and no way to defend himself.

5. Refer to him as "that kid who kinda looks like L if L fell into a large vat of bleach"

6. Respond to everything he says with "Whatever," followed by a mumbled-just-loud-enough to be-audible "Supercilious bastard".

7. Ask him if he was born without eyebrows, or if he just shaves them off in a pathetic attempt to look more like L, his idol.

8. Repaint his room. 'Forget' to tell him about the wet paint covering every surface that his pristine white clothes may come in contact with.

9. Take the batteries out of his toys. Glue the battery-opening-thingies shut.

10. Introduce him as "yeah, this is my friend… kind of, and I could tell you his name, but he's so boring and solemn that it'll be more fun to get the formalities out of the way quickly so we can ditch him as soon as possible."

11. Write 'PARTY GIRL' in large pink letters on the back of his shirt.

12. Put a sign on the library door that says 'closed for an indefinite period of time'. Just be sure you let all the other orphans in on it, so that only he falls behind.

13. Throw a deck of cards at him. Explain that they're so he can play solitaire- "you know," (run your index finger down the side of your face in the universal symbol for 'a single tear rolls down my cheek') "the game of the lonely".

14. Call him "Queer Near" (Anyone remember chapter 2?)

15. Tell him that Misa had an extravagant time on their blind date, and is anxiously awaiting his call (It's been so long- do you even remember the last chapter?)

16. Edit the AutoCorrect feature on whatever program he uses to type his homework so that every time he types the word 'the', it automatically changes to 'penis'.

17. Ask if he and Mello had a lovechild, would it be confined to a life of wearing nothing but gray clothes?

18. Ask who would be the mother and who would be the father of the aforementioned lovechild.

19. Squint at him for a few seconds, then sigh decisively and say, "The force is weak with this one."

20. Ask him if he's afraid of heights. If he says no, reply, "Ok, good" and then glue him to the ceiling. If he says yes, do the same but laugh extra hard.

21. Ask him if the reason he's so emotionless is because he's left his soul in various horcruxes scattered across significant places in his life.

22. Pull out one of the bottom dice on his tower.

23. Tell him he should be more careful- we all know what happened to the last guy that tried to surpass L Lawliet.

24. Tell him that Wammy's has decided to start assigning fake last names as well, and that his is Deathexperience.

25. Hide his Legos in his hair, and bet Giovanni ten dollars they get lost in 'that unsightly mane' and are never seen again.

26. Push him into the mud.

27. Spend class time doodling pictures of him in dresses. Fold them up and fling them at him when the teacher isn't looking.

28. Tell Mello he has the hots for Matt.

29. Attempt to organize playdates with neighborhood children.

30. Tell him that L has Light and Matt and Mello have each other, then point, laugh, and call him a lonely loser.

31. Write a fanfiction in which he is a famous teen pop star, but secretly wishes to be normal, and then falls in love with a small-town girl who hates his music.

32. Tell him you drew a picture of him and then hand him a blank piece of paper.

33. Blast Weird Al Yankovic's "White and Nerdy" whenever he walks into the room.

34. Explain to him that there's picking on someone because they're white, which is racism, and then there's picking on someone because they're albino, which is merely self-defense against being brainwashed by pale soulless creatures of doom.

35. Make fun of him because his real name is so much more boring than L's, Mello's, or Matt's.

36. Tell him white pajamas are "soooooo last season".

37. Write a fanfiction in which he and Matt are about to be married but Matt runs off with Mello at the last minute, leaving him standing at the alter in a dress.

38. Ask if you can name your pet sheep after him.

39. Put rainbow stickers all over him.

And…

40. Slip as much sugar as possible in his drink. We'll see how emotionless he is then…

Author's Note 2: Okay, so this absolutely sucks, but at least it's done.

By the way, if you read Golden, I know and I'm sorry that chapter 3 is late. I'm not bored with it, I don't have writer's block, I've just been so Kiradamn busy this week… But I intend to take advantage of this ever-so-short little miracle we call the weekend and, though I can't make promises, I'm hoping to get it up by tomorrow- actually, it's 2 AM, so I guess I mean tonight, and tomorrow/Tuesday at the latest?

As for the next chapter of this story, it shall be everyone's favorite blonde, leather-clad mafia thug! And since I love him so much… I might have to give you some extra ways to annoy him.

Mello: Thanks.

Flutter: Shouldn't you be in bed with Matt?

Mello: He's still up gaming. And wtf is up with Near's chapter coming before mine?

Flutter: I figured you'd like it… all these fresh ideas.

Mello: Well… number four does sound promising…

Review!