Camp Revenge Season 2

Camp Revenge Season 2

Chapter 12: "Gay Incestuous Liberal Canadian Democratic Jatheist Doggie Weddings"

So weddings are fun. You get some expensive clothes, invite your friends and family even though you hate their guts. I mean, you even have to invite Weird Uncle Scott, the one who you can't trust to leave in the same room as the little girls for more than five seconds.

This is so wrong on so many levels. Mitchie and I are sitting here, planning a wedding. For our dogs. A doggie wedding. A gay incestuous doggie wedding. That's just sad, eh? Gah, I feel like such a hick with all this going on… I mean, if my uncle and Mitchie's mum get like married… that makes us cousins, er, step-cousins. Step-incest. That's worse than real incest! Ok, maybe not, but you get the point.

Mitchie sat down at our table of ass kicking, writing in a journal. "First off – what day?"

I shrugged. "Before camp ends so we can invite everyone,"

"But what if no one wants to come?" Mitchie asked.

"Believe me. I'll make them want to come… or they'll regret it with a black eye," I told her.

She smiled. "What day?"

"June thirty-first. Saturday. At three,"

"That's in," she counted on her fingers, "Ten days!"

I nodded. "We better get to work on this wedding thing,"

She quickly scribbled something down in her notebook. "What kind of flowers? What color?"

I shrugged. "Pink. And blue. Pink and blue roses,"

"Who's the bride?" she asked.

I laughed a bit. "Definitely Princess,"

Mitchie giggled. "Ok then. Prince will be the handsome groom," She wrote in her spiral and then turned to me. "Ok. What kind of cake?"

I shrugged. "Doggie cake? Maybe we should get a wedding cake for the humans and some dog treats for the lovers,"

She nodded. "Good idea. Now… what color rose petals?"

"Rainbow," I said. "It goes with the whole gay thing,"

"Can you get rainbow rose petals?"

I raised my eyebrows. "What kind of a question is that? Of course you can!"

She laughed. "What was I thinking?" she scribbled in her notebook. "Now. Where will we have the wedding?"

"By the lake. Beautiful scenery. Great for a wedding,"

Mitchie smiled. "That's perfect! We should have an arch covered in roses and vines and then have it be an outdoor wedding," She stood up. "I have to make some calls – rent tables, chairs, get a cake, a priest… Damn there is so much we have to do!"

"A priest? At a gay wedding? Isn't that like so against the Christian religion?" I asked.

"Fine. We'll get a Rabbi," she said.

"I'm not Jewish, either,"

"I am. And so are our dogs," she said.

I scoffed. "Hold up, hold up. Our kids have to be a mix of our religions. I'm an atheist, you are Jewish… They're JATHEISTS!"

"Jatheists, eh?" she asked.

I nodded. "Yes. Jathiests. They're Democrats and drive Priuses and Smart Cars,"

She laughed. "Great. Democratic Jatheists,"

I nodded again. "Very liberal,"

"Dogs don't drive," she pointed out.

I shrugged. "We can pretend that they do… so Rabbi or Justice of the Peace?"

Mitchie pondered this for a moment. "Justice of the Peace… make the Atheist happy,"

I smiled. "Aww, you're so sweet!" I looked over at our dogs who were humping each other. "Whoa, whoa! Save it for the honeymoon, you love birds!"

Mitchie laughed. "They must really be in love… That reminds me! Where are they going to go for their honey moon?"

"France… no. Hawaii. No. England… Canada?" I suggested.

"Canada?" she asked. "What's so great about Canada?"

"Um… just about everything!" I defended.

"Blame Canada! Blame Canada!" she sang the song from the South Park movie.

"Don't make fun of Canada! With George Bush and this economy, Canada is looking better every day!"

"So they're gonna move to Canada? Canadian Democratic Jathiests?"

"Exactly. Canada is so… liberal,"

"Gay Incestuous Liberal Canadian Democratic Jatheist Dogs?" she asked. "I like it!"

I laughed. "Me too! So what honeymoon place?"

Mitchie shrugged. "How 'bout in South Park?"

I nodded. "That works. I've always wanted to go on a honeymoon in South Park, Colorado. Should we rent all the seasons of South Park to celebrate?"

She laughed. "I love that show,"

"Well I love the city! Er, it's actually a county, but same thing,"

"Honeymoon in South Park… how romantic! I'm sure they'll love going out and chasing cows together!"

"How… nice. That's always been my dream – chasing cows," I said sarcastically.

She sat back down at the table, cell phone in hand. "I'm gonna call some people – see if they rent tables, chairs, and whatnot," she grabbed a phone book – don't know why I have a phone book in here – and dialed some numbers. "You go google stuff," she commanded.

I got my laptop from under my bed and logged on, connecting to the internet. When I couldn't get a connection that worked. I closed my laptop. "Damn. It's not working."

"Damn!" Mitchie said. "I can't get a fucking signal out here!"

I turned to Mitchie. "We'll just have to go into town and see what they have!"

She laughed. "The closest city is South Park – South Park will not have wedding stuff, trust me. We could go to Colorado Springs, though,"

I nodded. "Let's go,"

"Now?"

I laughed. "Yeah!"

I ran over to my uncle's cabin. "Hey, Brownie. We're going to go to Colorado Springs to get stuff for our Gay Incestuous Liberal Canadian Democratic Jatheist Doggie Wedding,"

Uncle Brown turned to me. "Your what now?"

"Wedding,"

"For who?"

"Our Gay Incestuous Liberal Canadian Democratic Jatheist Dogs!"

"Why are you going to Colorado Springs? Just go to South Park,"

I scoffed. "Like South Park would have wedding stuff,"

He nodded. "You're right… just be back by tomorrow night or I'm calling the cops and telling them a drunken eighteen-year-old kidnapped a defenseless seventeen-year-old; you have to get your third rabies shot on Saturday,"

"Ok! Bye Brownie!" I said and headed out of his cabin. Mitchie was waiting for me by Jason's car, our dogs on leashes by her.

I took my extra set of Jason's car keys – I have them because he looses his a lot – and then unlocked his car. Mitchie put the dogs in the backseat and then got in the passenger seat.

I put on Jason's sunglasses slowly for effect. "Let's roll," I said and shifted into drive.

So weddings... theres food. And freinds. And creepy family members. And, sometimes, people you don't even know OR like. All I know, is that right now, I want a cheeseburger.