It's been ages on this one, too. We're still in a non-House part of the story, but I promise eventually it's going somewhere. Enjoy.

# # #

My heart is pounding in my chest as I pull up to the address Sean has given me. It's a rambling old apartment house, similar to one I lived in as a student, and it brings back a flood of memories.

I push them all aside and climb out of my car, taking a deep breath as I make my way to the house, ringing the bell next to his apartment number. As I wait, the neighborhood rings out with sounds of students enjoying their night, and I suddenly feel even older than my years.

This was foolish, I can see that now. I don't belong here. I should be on my way home to my quiet house in my own quiet neighborhood, possibly catching up on the reading that I never seem to get to.

I hear someone running down the steps, and the door swings open, revealing Sean. His face lights in a smile when he sees me.

"Hey." He greets me casually. "Come on up."

I follow him up two flights of stairs to his apartment, feeling more and more out of my element with each step. If I weren't already near the top of the stairs, I would have turned around and bolted.

He opens his apartment door, and I'm pleasantly surprised at the relatively uncluttered space. I nearly trip over a pile of running shoes left by the door, and Sean blushes a little.

"Sorry." He mutters as he kicks them aside. "I tried to clean up a little before you got here. Obviously I missed a few things."

"It's okay." I assure him, oddly relieved that he seems almost as nervous as I feel.

Sean gestures toward a coat rack hanging on the wall next to the door, and I hang up my coat, unbuttoning my shirt cuffs and rolling them up to my elbows. My nerves are finally starting to abate somewhat when Sean approaches me.

His long fingers intertwine with mine as he leans in to capture my lips in a quick kiss. The nerves are instantly back, my mind scrambling, still unsure about my decision to come here tonight.

A concerned expression flashes across Sean's face as he pulls back. "Are you okay?"

I nod firmly. "Mostly."

He releases my hands to place them at my waist, and the same sense of apprehension I felt with Greg barely a week before washes over me. Little has changed since then, and yet everything has changed. I can't explain it, but I'm not sure I want to waste my time analyzing things right now.

His lips find mine again, and his hands start sliding under my shirt, smooth and warm against my skin. My apprehension continues building, but that doesn't stop me from reciprocating.

I can feel the contours of his stomach and what feels like a light dusting of hair, and he lets out an appreciative hum, pressing into my hands as I slide them to his back and start moving upwards.

Sean breaks off the kiss then, jerking his head behind him with a questioning expression. "You want to…?"

"Yes." I answer quickly, before my doubts can creep in and take over.

I follow him into his bedroom, and he sits on the end of the bed, pulling me toward him by my hips. He looks up at me with a little smile as he starts unbuttoning my shirt.

I can't help the tiny sense of dread as he continues upward. There's no way Sean's going to like what he sees. I reach out and run my hand through his hair as a means to distract myself. It's so soft in my fingers, and I just keep stroking it as he finishes unbuttoning my shirt.

His hands suddenly smooth over my stomach, and he leans forward to kiss it lightly before starting on my belt. To say I'm startled at the move is a bit of an understatement.

"Sean?" My voice comes out ragged.

"Shut up." He answers with equal roughness, undoing my belt and starting in on my jeans. Before I know it, my jeans and boxers are somewhere around my ankles, and Sean's lips and hands are everywhere.

They suddenly zero in on my slowly hardening flesh, and my brain short circuits. His tongue is working in slow circles around the head, his fingers stroking me, teasing me into full arousal.

"Oh…" I stutter, clutching the back of his head with one hand and grabbing his shoulder with the other to steady myself. It's been months since anyone has touched me like this, and my mind can't help drawing up old memories, despite my attempts to push them aside.

Those memories overwhelm me, and I immediately go soft in his mouth. Sean pulls back with a puzzled expression. "Something wrong?"

"It's not you." I assure him, not sure how to explain to him what's going through my mind. I sigh heavily, my hand still on his shoulder. "God, this is awkward."

Sean rises from the bed, and I step back a little to accommodate him. "I suppose it would be."

Without another word he starts unbuttoning his own shirt, slipping out of it and tossing it aside before starting in on his jeans. While he seems to have misunderstood the reasons for my awkwardness, I can't say I'm disappointed in what I see.

On impulse I reach out and run a hand up his stomach to his chest. He's nearly smooth, just a smattering of dark brown hair covering his chest and stomach, and he's as lean and strong as I'd imagined he would be. Not that I'd had those sorts of thoughts about him.

"You're beautiful." I blurt out.

Sean smiles and tilts his head at me. "You think so?"

"Yes." I'm a bit embarrassed by my sudden outburst, scolding myself for my lack of self-control. Of course, if I'd had an ounce of self-control, I wouldn't be here now, half naked in the bedroom of a man I barely know.

"You're not so bad yourself." He tells me after he's discarded his own jeans and underwear, his hand coming to rest on my lower back as he presses his body into mine.

I laugh a little and look away, shaking my head. Sean far outclasses me physically, I'm well aware of that. The man could model for Runner's World.

I hear him laugh in response, and he takes my chin in his hand, turning my face back toward his before dropping a kiss on my lips. "See, that's what I mean. That 'look-away-and-smile' thing? Very Mark Harmon." He kisses me on the jaw, near my ear. "Very sexy." He murmurs.

"You have a very strange fetish, my friend." I attempt a light tone, even as his hands and lips wander over me, causing my dormant flesh to react anew.

"Not so strange." Sean answers almost sharply as he pushes my shirt off my shoulders. His own hard flesh pressed against mine seems to prove his point, although I still have trouble buying the comparison to Mark Harmon.

I start to argue the point, and he silences me with his mouth, his tongue slipping easily into my mouth as he wraps his arms around me, his hands drifting to my rear and grabbing roughly, grinding insistently into me.

I groan involuntarily, a few random thoughts still rattling around in my mind, none of them enough to eclipse what is happening right now. My hands immediately go to his back, the muscle flexing under his smooth skin as he grinds against me.

Just as I entertain thoughts of him doing the same thing inside me, I unload, almost crying out from the sensation. It seems to go on forever, and I'm simply riding it out, clutching Sean to me, my knees nearly giving out under me when I finally come back from wherever I've been.

"Easy, easy." Sean laughs a little as he keeps a strong hold on me. "I've got you."

I let out a shaky sigh and rest my forehead on his shoulder. "God, sorry. It's been…too long."

Sean chuckles and kisses my temple. "There's nothing to apologize for. You got off, and it was hot as hell."

"Oh my God." I murmur into his shoulder. "You are so silly."

Sean pulls back a little, glancing down at the floor. "You want to finish getting undressed?"

My jeans are still pooled around my ankles. Matter of fact, I still have my shoes on. I feel my face heat up. "I suppose I should."

"Lay back." Sean tells me. "I started this. I'm damn sure going to finish it."

His boldness alternately thrills me and startles me, and I shift so that I'm sitting on the bed. Sean bends down to take off my shoes before sliding my jeans and boxers the rest of the way off my legs. Before I can protest, he kneels between my legs, spreading out his fingers over my inner thighs, and I realize what he's doing.

"Oh…my…" I watch as he cleans me up with his tongue, his eyes meeting mine as he cleans up the last few drops on my stomach. Soon he takes me into his mouth, and I'm surprised to find myself slowly becoming aroused again.

He lets me out of his mouth, his tongue working its way further down until I feel his hands pushing my legs up, and before I can react, his tongue traces around my hole. I nearly jump at the sensation, letting out a sharp gasp in response.

"Too much?" Sean murmurs.

"God, no." I manage to answer.

He laughs a little and continues his ministrations, gently working at me with his tongue before adding a finger into the mix. His plan for me is obvious, and I can't find any reason to object. Any inhibitions I might have had seem to be cast away now.

He replaces his tongue with another finger, stretching me further, kissing me along the inside of my thigh. All too soon he pulls out, resting a hand on my thigh. "Don't go anywhere. I'll be right back."

As if I could go anywhere right now. Sean has me so turned on I can barely think, let alone move. Part of me is scared at the idea, and the guilty thoughts start creeping in again.

"Changing your mind?" Sean's voice breaks into my thoughts.

I lift my head enough to see him at the foot of the bed, the light from the other room silhouetting his long, lean form. He's so beautiful I almost can't stand it.

"No." I shake my head, shaking off the thoughts that still whisper in my head.

"Good." He sounds relieved, and I can hear him pop a cap in the darkness. It isn't long before his long, slippery fingers work their way in, stretching and probing, and it reminds me just how long it's really been.

I let out a little moan as he withdraws, and I can hear the sound of a foil packet crinkling and ripping as Sean covers himself. Soon I feel his tip probing, slowly pushing in, and I can't help tensing just a little.

"Am I hurting you?" Sean's concerned voice comes out as a hushed whisper.

"No, no." I assure him. "It's just…you know."

"…been a while." He finishes the sentence for me with a soft laugh, grasping my hips with his large hands and sliding the rest of the way in.

"Exactly." I respond with a rush, half gasping as I feel him begin to move inside me. The voices in the back of my head still scold me, and I know that on some level, there's something wrong with this whole scenario. But as Sean leans over me and kisses me deeply while keeping up his slow, easy thrusts, I'm hard pressed to figure out exactly what's so wrong with this.

"You feel so good." He murmurs between kisses, thrusting harder, and I can only answer with a series of moans and groans as he hits the mark over and over, bringing me ever closer to the edge.

He finishes first with a hard groan, keeping himself buried deep inside me while he rides it out. While still inside and semi-hard, he takes hold of me and strokes. I'm so far gone that it takes me mere moments to go over, shooting sticky warmth all over his hand.

He pulls out and licks me clean again, making sure I see him licking my release off his hand. It's not something I would openly admit, but there is something extraordinarily sexy about it.

Soon he's lying next to me, his arm draped across my chest, and my brain finally starts to feel as if it's returned to my body. All the doubts and guilt that I had managed to push away during the act come rushing back to me, and the urge to bolt is strong.

Sean's fingers trail down my chest as my thoughts darken. "You're welcome to stay the night, you know."

I sigh, debating with myself. I should go home, but the thought of going to sleep alone in an empty house saddens me even more than the idea of staying here.

"Julian?" Sean's voice is questioning, concerned.

I turn over to face him, cupping his face with one hand. "I'm never going to fall in love with you."

Sean looks baffled. "What does that have to do with whether you stay the night or not?"

"I don't know." I snap, cursing myself for saying anything. "I just…feel like it needs to be said."

Sean moves in closer, his arm snaking around my body, his hand coming to rest on my back. "Don't worry. We're still friends until something changes."

Now it's my turn to be baffled. "Nothing's changed?"

"Not a thing." Sean assures me. "I like you just as much now as I did before I got into your pants."

I can't help but laugh at him. "Oh, well, in that case…"

A hopeful expression crosses Sean's face. "You'll stay?"

I lean in to give him a quick kiss. "I'll stay."

"Good." He seems to let out a sigh of relief.

We shift around, getting under the blankets and finding a comfortable sleeping position. Somehow this involves me on my side, with Sean tucked in close behind me, his arm around my waist.

It's not love, and it probably never will be. But it's comforting to have Sean wrapped around me in the night, his breathing soft and steady against my neck. If nothing else, it helps me feel a lot less lonely. That alone is worth a good deal, and it seems to chase away most of my guilty thoughts as I fall asleep.

# # #

I awaken the next morning to rain pounding on the window and a strong sense of disorientation. I'm alone, of course, but it takes me a few minutes to realize that I'm naked in someone else's bed.

No sooner do I sit bolt upright than things start coming back to me. It all starts to make sense now, more or less. The only real mystery is why I'm still here while Sean is not.

I throw off the covers and find my jeans in the crumpled pile of clothing at the end of the bed, digging through the pocket for my cell phone. A check of the time reveals what I suspected. It's nearly ten o' clock, far later than I would normally sleep in.

A bit of panic starts bubbling up, and the voice in the back of my head tells me that I should get out now before Sean returns from wherever he went. I'd rather not face any morning after awkwardness if I can at all help it.

Decision made, I start sifting through the pile, finding all my clothes, cringing slightly at the idea of going home in my current condition. There's nothing I can do about it at the moment. I'll simply make a shower my first priority when I get home. A nice, long, hot shower.

I get myself put back together as best I can and make my way to the living room. Just as I enter, the door swings open, and Sean enters, dressed in a long sleeved tech shirt and a pair of black shorts. He shakes his head and wipes off his face with his hand, clearly pleased with himself.

"Eight miles." He explains to me with a wide smile. "Started pouring about halfway through. I've never covered that much ground so fast in my life." He throws me a puzzled look. "Not taking off, are you?"

"I…" I gesture lamely, something fluttering in my chest at the sight of those long legs, that heaving chest, and that wet, wild hair. "…I should. I've got…things to do."

"Okay." His tone is light, though I think I detect a note of disappointment. He crosses the room, leaning in to give me a light, but lingering kiss. "If you get free, call me. I'd love to hang out." A teasing smile lights his face as he kisses me again, a little deeper this time.

I can't help it. I melt. It's ridiculous, I realize that. And if I don't get out of here in a hurry, I might not make it home today.

I break away with a little sigh, letting my hand drift along his slightly rough cheek. "I'll see what I can do."

"I hope so." Sean answers, looking me up and down.

I nod firmly, though I feel my resolve weakening, and grab my coat on the way out, trotting down the two flights of stairs and out to my car. The rain hasn't let up, and I imagine Sean out there, running through the rain, soaking his shirt, soaking his shorts. I imagine he's heading into the shower right now, letting the warm water wash over him…

I check the thought immediately. Things have already gone further than they should have. Letting my imagination get the better of me isn't going to help matters.

As soon as I climb into the car, I pull out my phone and call Jordan. He picks up on the second ring.

"You're calling from your cell." He greets me. "Can I safely assume things went as planned last night?"

I huff irritably. "I happened to be in the car and decided to call you. No need to draw any conclusions."

He laughs heartily as if he's already drawn his conclusions. "You can tell me some other time. To what do I owe the honor of this call?"

"Well, I just wanted to know if that shopping offer was still open."

"Of course, honey." I can hear the delight in Jordan's voice. "Pick a time."

We make arrangements to meet at my house in a couple hours, and I end the call, setting the phone on the dashboard and driving home.

By the time I've made it home, showered and had a cup or two of coffee, it isn't long before I hear someone ringing the doorbell. It's Jordan, an expression of anticipation on his face.

"So." He rubs his hands together gleefully. "Are you ready for your makeover, dear?"

I laugh and grab my coat. "Clinton Kelly you're not."

"Of course not." Jordan answers sharply. "I'm far better looking."

He directs me downtown, where I find a parking garage, and we set out on our journey, stopping first for lunch when my stomach starts growling. Jordan is insistent that no one should shop on an empty stomach.

Over sandwiches at Zingerman's, Jordan gets down to business, laying out what he considers casual wardrobe essentials, of which he points out that I have none. He's got a point. I got so comfortable with Kenneth that I never bothered putting together much of a wardrobe, and as he slid further downhill, I quit bothering with much of anything that didn't have to do with taking care of Kenneth.

"It's time you took care of yourself, honey." He points out. "Speaking of…how did things go with your friend last night?"

I debate giving him too many details, soon shrugging casually. "It was…good. We had a good time."

Jordan's eyes crinkle in amusement, and I know I've somehow given myself away. He waves a fork in a scolding manner. "There's a whole lot you're not telling me, Julian."

"And that's the way it's going to stay, Jordan." I tell him firmly.

It's silent for a moment before Jordan's fork clatters to his plate. I look up to see him staring at me, his eyes round, his hand covering his mouth.

"You…" He leans forward across the table. "You did, didn't you?"

I groan internally and move to cover my eyes. "Jordan, please. I already feel guilty enough."

"Good Lord, why?" Jordan huffs in exasperation. "It's been months, honey. Months. If it were me, well, I would have blown up by now."

"Well, excuse me for not turning into a wanton slut the minute Kenneth's body was in the grave." I snap.

Jordan sighs heavily and leans back in his chair. "That's not what I mean and you know it. I only mean that you have no reason to feel guilty for enjoying someone else's company and…whatever else might come with it."

I stare at my plate, my appetite gone. Of course I have no rational reason to feel guilty. But that doesn't mean anything.

We finish our lunch in silence, dropping the whole subject by unspoken agreement. The rest of the afternoon is pleasant enough, and we separate at my house after hauling what feels like bags and bags of new clothes inside.

"I didn't mean to upset you at lunch." Jordan tells me as he gives me a long, hard hug. "You just do what feels right to you. Don't worry about what anyone else might think."

I let out a short laugh as I hug him in response. "What if nothing feels right?"

Jordan pulls back with a scandalized expression. "That's simply not possible. Shame on you for thinking so." He taps me on the nose. "I don't think you believe that yourself."

I roll my eyes at him as we separate with assurances that Wednesday night spaghetti night is still on, and I close the door behind him, surveying my purchases.

Finally I haul them upstairs and get them all organized, alternately amazed and appalled at the sheer quantity. My checking account is certainly appalled at the money I spent today.

My phone goes off in my pocket, and I'm only slightly surprised to see Sean's number on the Caller ID.

"Hello." I answer with a calm I'm not sure I feel.

"Hey." He answers casually. "What are you up to?"

"Not much." I tell the story of my shopping adventures with Jordan, leaving out the lunchtime conversation, and he tells me how he got called into work when one of the other managers bailed for the afternoon.

"So you must be tired." I venture. "I mean, between running and working."

"Mmm…not really." A brief pause. "I'd still be up for company if you're interested."

I laugh a little. "Surely you've got more interesting things to do on a Saturday night than that."

"I don't feel like going out." Sean's tone turns a little defensive. "I promise to keep my hands to myself if that's what you want."

I'm not sure that's what I want, and the thought catches me by surprise. "You don't have to promise anything. I'll be over in a while."

"Excellent." I can almost hear him smile through the phone. "See you in a few."

I disconnect and shove my phone into my pocket, changing into a t-shirt and one of Kenneth's hooded sweatshirts, lacing up a pair of running shoes before climbing into my car for the drive over. All attempts to relax are failing. Even reminding myself that there are no expectations, that Sean is merely being friendly, has no effect.

Because if I really want to be honest with myself, I don't want Sean to keep his hands to himself. I don't want to keep mine to myself, either.

I pull up in front of his apartment house, climbing out of the car and hitting the doorbell for his apartment. It doesn't take long for Sean to come trotting down the stairs to let me in.

I'm nervous as we enter the apartment, but Sean almost immediately puts me at ease, calling in an order for Chinese food and finding a movie to watch.

Between the food, the movies, and the conversation, it turns out to be a pleasant evening, and I find myself enjoying Sean's company immensely. A couple of his friends drop in at some point, and Sean feigns embarrassment at some of their wilder stories.

The evening winds down somewhere around two in the morning when I awaken to a quiet apartment and Sean snoring on my shoulder. I can't resist running a hand through his hair before nudging him awake.

He raises his head, blinking as he looks up at me, obviously confused. It's adorable beyond all reason, and any thought of 'just friends' is washed away as I lean down to give him a quick kiss.

"We fell asleep." I explain quietly.

He nods, rising to a full sitting position and stretching his long arms over his head before looking over at me. "So, staying?"

"I shouldn't." I shake my head. One night was plenty. No need to further muddle things.

He gives me a little lopsided grin. "I didn't ask if you should stay. I asked if you wanted to stay."

Of course I want to stay. Logically, it's foolish. I can't get too attached to this man. He's far too young for me, I'm still reeling from Kenneth's death…it's just too much.

While I'm deep in debate with myself, Sean's lips touch mine, and my resistance crumbles. For the second time in as many nights, I find myself saying, "I'll stay."

And for the second time, Sean makes it worth every minute.

# # #

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