Hey guys. I decided to replace the old chapter. I made a few changes, so if you were a fan of the original, I am sorry.
But hopfully you will love this one more.
I'm also sorry for the lack of updating. I recently moved and I'm trying to get things situated.
Anyway so here is the new chapter.
I hope you like it.
Review please, thanks.
I blinked several times as I replayed the memory over and over. I sat up and rested my back against the headboard, drying my eyes on my pillow by
pressing my face into it. The coolness of the pillow felt good, but quickly turned warm against my skin. I let out a long, hot breath before dragging my head
back up and peering at the dingy cream colored wall on the opposite end of my bedroom.
Nothing felt the same anymore. Just a dull version of everything I once knew was now pulled over my eyes, like some grotesque extra layer of skin. And
speaking of skin, I didn't even feel like I belonged in mine anymore, like I had just been borrowing this one for some time now and it needed to be returned,
overdue library book style. I vigorously shook my head back and forth for a few seconds, like doing so would somehow fling the memories and plaster them
against the walls.
I sat in silence for awhile longer, listening to myself scream at Carly in my head. What was once anger had somehow transformed into guilt overnight. I
couldn't decide what was worse: what had happened with Freddie or how I screamed my lungs out at Carly. Usually when I had a problem, I would go to
Carly. Well not directly, mind you; she would have to pull it out of me, but she was always there for me. And even though Freddie would always side with
Carly whenever she and I fought, he would still be concerned for us both. I took another deep breath, letting my forehead fall into my palm.
I had no idea who came up with the saying, "Desperate times call for desperate measures", but I definitely felt like this was one of those times.
Without really thinking I picked up my phone and dialed the number. It only rang once before she picked up.
"Hello? Is everyone ok? Is everything alright? Is Mom alright? Hello?" she sounded frantic and slightly out of breath. I cringed. I knew this was a bad idea.
"Yes, everyone is fine. Mom is fine." I said, somewhat hoarsely.
I heard her breathe a sigh of relief and pause before clearing her throat slightly and continuing.
"Oh. Well, I'm glad everyone is doing fine. I...well, I just thought that something must be wrong since…because you never…" Her voice trailed off. She
seemed to be searching for the right words, but didn't continue. I just breathed in response, still deciding why I had dialed the number in the first place.
"So, are you sure everything is alright?" she asked again after about a minute of breathing and deciding to just hang up. I sat in silence, still not answering
as I wrestled with myself internally. Another whole minute went by, but I was still at war.
"Sam, you're beginning to scare me. Can you hear me? I swear I will go to the train station and buy a ticket for the nine o' clock train to Seattle to make
sure you guys are ok! SAM?"
I finally snapped out of it and cleared my throat.
"Yeah." I choked.
"Phew! Ok. Now what is going on?" She asked, concern dripping off every syllable. I took a deep breath.
"I-I…" I stuttered. I really had no idea where to begin or how to approach her with this. I don't think I have ever had a serious conversation with Melanie
and the idea was actually making me a little sick. But I was on my last leg here. I swallowed the awkwardness and just let the words fall out.
"I…need your help." I shut my eyes, waiting, my brow furrowed. There was silence for about two seconds but then she spoke.
"My help? With what? School?" She asked slowly, but still maintaining her preppy sing-song voice. Ugh.
"No. I…need help with…" I began, trying my best not to lose my sliver of patience I had that morning.
"What? Boys?" She said jokingly. My heart jumped.
"Well…" I began.
"OH MY GOSH, SAM DON'T TELL ME-"
"NO! No, no…nothing like that!" I interrupted frantically.
"Oh, good…well, just tell me what's wrong." She said relieved but then concerned.
I took another deep breath and searched my mind, but suddenly I remembered something, something I couldn't believe I hadn't remembered until now.
"Melanie?" I began, my heart speeding up.
"Yeah?"
"Um…do you remember the last time you visited?"
"Of course. Your gorgeous friend Freddie took me out, but he kept thinking that I was you trying to mess with him. How could I forget that?" she stated. I
just nodded, looking down at the elephant pattern on my bed covers. I swallowed hard.
"Right…uh…funny you should mention the date…I, um…did he…when you guys…kissed-"
"Oh…yeah!" she began, the sudden reminder making her giggly. "He has the softest lips in the world, I'm not even kidding. I could kiss him all day long…"
she almost sang.
I cringed. I knew this was a bad idea. I placed my hand over my chest, where my heart used to be but was now replaced by a large, gaping hole. I
squeezed my eyes shut and waited for her to finish.
"…like buttery liquorish!" she finally concluded, panting slightly. I opened my eyes and continued speaking, which was proving to be difficult.
"Yeah, anyway…" I began, monotone. "What…exactly happened on your date?"
She took a few seconds, thinking back, before she started up again with a much more business-like tone.
"Um, well, we got there around 8:00. You know that dance club place right in town? I forget the name, anyway, we found a seat; he had this skeptical look
on his face the whole time. It was cute, until he started drilling me with questions, trying to get me to admit I was you. It was really annoying." She recalled,
but continued.
"It wasn't until I agreed to dance with him that he started to, I don't know, get nervous. He said that he couldn't believe I was doing this and that I hated
him…" she chuckled. My heart, or what was left of it, dropped to my feet like a ton of bricks.
"I never said I hate you."
"YEAH YOU HAVE!"
The memory flashed in and out of my mind like a rattle snake, or maybe more like a Boa Constrictor, because it was now wrapping itself around me, choking
the life out of me. I gasped audibly. She took notice.
"Sam?"
"Yeah?" I breathed.
"Everything alright?"
"Mm, hm. Continue." I shook the Boa from my mind. I had to hear the rest of the story.
"Ok, well…um…oh yeah! So then I told him that I didn't hate him and I kissed him…"
I let out a long breath.
"…and then he practically ran away." She finished.
What ever small amount of energy I had that was holding me together that morning, had vanished. I was like a string puppet and someone had just taken
a giant pair of scissors and cut the main line. As I began to tumble, my pieces scattering over my bed and across the room, a haunting image crept its way
back into my mind. But now the memory had become distorted.
I looked into those brown eyes as I pulled my lips from his and watched in horror as his features began to become misshapen. He had the look of complete
revulsion on his face; eyes wide, brow furrowed, mouth open in a silent scream. He began to back away, stumbling over his own feet as he fell to the ground. He
was vomiting. Well, trying to, it was more like dry heaving several times until thick strings of bile made their way from his lips to the smooth pavement underneath.
When he was finished he gazed in my direction where I stood frozen and sobbing, wanting so badly to walk towards him, to touch him, but stuck there as to not
cause him any further agony.
He got to his feet and continued toward the door.
"No…" I pleaded quietly through the hot tears that were clouding my vision. "Please…please don't leave…please…"
He looked at me in disbelief, like suggesting such a thing was completely against his nature. He scrambled further still until his hand found the handle to the door.
"No!" I yelped.
He swung the door open and ran through it, bolting down the hall and vanished through another door. He was like an industrial sized magnet and I was a paperclip;
I felt my body move forward in his direction, but my legs would no longer support my weight. I crashed face down on the pavement, scrambling to get to the door
before it closed. Just using my arms, I began to crawl.
I was just feet away. I felt the little energy I had draining from me. I was only a foot away; I could do this, it wasn't over yet. I just had to get my fingers in the
door. I was an inch away, but the door was swinging shut. Panicking, I summoned my last bit of strength and lurched myself forward. I felt the wood of the door
graze the tips of my fingers, as I heard the air around the door push out and the soft click as it closed completely, leaving a ringing silence in its wake.
Several minutes went by as I lay there, too tired to even cry. I was frozen in place, face down; the only thing I could do was aimlessly claw at the pavement. I
might have been there for hours, there really was no telling. The only thing that I was sure of was that he was gone. Gone. And it was entirely my fault. I guess I
had it coming, right? I mean, I never gave him any reason to ever think that maybe, possibly I was in love-
Someone was screaming.
Someone close by. I twitched on the pavement, trying to get up but not one muscle in my entire body would move. My breathing became heavier as I tried with all
my might to see who was screaming, but it was impossible. I let out a huff of air as I gave up trying, but I couldn't get the screaming out of my head. It was the
most heart wrenching sound I had ever heard. It was like they were pleading, begging even. I couldn't bear to listen any longer. I tried to move again, pushing my
hands against the soft pavement. The screaming became more frantic. I didn't care anymore. Why should I care? There was nothing for me now. No one cared
about me and I could care less about them-
Wait. Pavement isn't soft…
"Oh." I muttered as I opened my eyes to view the dim lit room I was still in. I placed my palms flat against my bed covers and pushed hard. I could hear
Melanie's tiny shouting from my phone. I must have dropped it when I had collapsed. I groaned as I reached over and picked it up, holding it at arm's
length.
"SAM! SAM!" I groaned again and wiped tears and sweat off my face. I placed the plastic to my ear once more, swallowing thickly as I did.
"Sorry…" It was all I could force out. I heard her gasp on the other end.
"Thank God! Sam, what happened? One minute I'm telling you about my date with Freddie and then suddenly you start sobbing and screaming! Are you
ok?" she shouted breathlessly.
"I'm…sorry." I choked out, bewilderment overtaking me. My mind began to race. It filled with memories of me and Freddie. Everything from the day we met,
up until now. I couldn't take it. All the abuse I had given him, physically and verbally. How he hated me. How he hated me…
"Sorry? What are you sorry about?" she asked, confusion in her voice. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to get rid of the last seven years of my life but failing
miserably. I took some deep breaths to calm myself, but the tears still fell bitterly.
"Everything!" I shuddered through gritted teeth. "Everything…I did to him…" As I started sobbing again, I placed my hand over the gaping cavity in my
chest, but no matter how hard I pressed I couldn't keep the images from pouring out.
Every waking moment I had ever spent with Freddie, every time he would try and be a good friend, I threw it back in his face. I didn't deserve his friendship.
His love. Nothing. And I knew it. I knew there wasn't anything I could do to fix it. Not this time. Not ever.
I slumped back against the head board, tilting my head toward the ceiling. I let out a long breath as I screwed my face up in agony. Finally my breathing
evened out as I dried my eyes clumsily.
"Sam?" she asked softly but didn't wait for me to respond.
"Sam, I know you are hurting right now and I don't really know what exactly is going on, and you don't have to tell me, but for as long as I've known you, I
have never heard you express yourself so strongly. I believe you Sam, I do. I know that you are genuinely sorry for what happened and because of this, I
know you will be forgiven."
I heard her words but they didn't fully process. She didn't even know the whole story, but she was willing to be here for me. I know I should have been
grateful, I was, but I couldn't help but think of how horrible of a person I was. This was my sister. She loved me and cared about me, and I threw it back into
her face. That's all I ever did. When someone tried to get close I would push them away; what was wrong with me?
"Mel?" I finally spoke.
"Yes, Sam?"
"Is there something wrong with me?" I asked. To my surprise she chuckled.
"Yes, Sam. You are a horrible excuse for a person and will probably amount to nothing. No one will ever love you. You will die alone and no one will come to
your funeral."
"UGH!" I choked out. How could she be making jokes about this?
"Sam, there is NOTHING wrong with you! You may not be the perfect American girl, but you are someone special and are loved by so many." She explained.
As I listened to her speak my eyes began to sting again. She was right. She was always right. I had horrible amnesia when it came to the people who loved
me. I shook myself a little and took a deep breath, exhaling slowly. My heart began to beat hard against my ribs. I knew that this wasn't going to be easy,
but these things never were.
"Melanie." I spoke so softly that I wasn't sure if she had heard me, but then she answered.
"Yeah?"
I took another deep breath.
"I want to apologize." I held my breath.
"Sam, I-" she started, but I cut her off.
"No! I mean…I want to apologize to you." I held my breath again and bit my lip. There was a short pause but then she spoke.
"Okay, Sam, but I really don't know-"
"Everything!" I wailed. "For the way I've treated you over the years, the fact that I have always been jealous of you. And I never call you-"
"Wait, you're jealous of me? Sam, I've always been jealous of you." I stopped. Wait, what?
"Why would you be jealous of me? You are perfect and smart and everyone loves you. How could you possibly think that being me would be a better
alternative?
"Sam, you have it all. You really don't know what its like being this way. Always afraid of messing up. Always having to listen to some snobby, rich professor
telling everyone that I'm his top student, and that he wished that everyone was more like me. Its horrible. I'm terrified everyday that I'm going to mess up,
that I'm going to lose this stupid reputation that I have. I hate it." I let her words wash over me. I couldn't believe this. All this time the perfect good girl
who had everything, was secretly dreaming of a life like mine.
"Mel, you have a good life, don't think badly about it. I know that there are some things in my life that need a serious make-over. The wild side isn't as
appealing as you think. Look, l need to make some changes and I need you to understand that."
"Ok." She said softly.
"But, I am sorry for…everything, Melanie. I love you and I don't want to lose my only sister." I said, tears spilling over. I just buried my face in my pillow,
letting my tears wash over me. She didn't say anything the entire time, but when she finally did speak, it was a strained voice with evidence of tears."I love
you too, Sam. How can I not forgive you? You're my sister." She said softly and I could tell she was smiling.
I opened my mouth to speak but then closed it. Everything that needed to be said had been said. The hole in my chest filled a little but not completely. Even
so, I smiled to myself.