One week.
Seven days.
One hundred and sixty-eight hours.
Ten thousand and eighty minutes and who knows how many seconds since I decided Dimitri wasn't trustworthy.
Not that I'm counting.
I haven't even really spoken to him.
Even with the nightmares on the few nights I'm actually able to sleep I lock my door wanting to be alone. I'm sure Dimitri is outside my door though ready to check on me.
I only speak unless I really had to.
Like when he asks if I'm feeling okay or if I'll be okay at home alone when he's out at work, I usually shrug or give a slight, stiff nod for a reply. I'm being harsh but life has dealt me some pretty unfair, painful cards and forgiveness wasn't one of them.
I'm not even sure if Dimitri is at fault seeing as I told him to go and leave me at Lissa's.
At least this is what I try to convince my self when I think about opening my mouth and speaking to him but the tug of sore and aching muscles and a quick glance in the mirror argues that he should have insisted on staying with me.
He should have kept his promise.
I have all of this built of emotion and anger about one promise.
I've never taken someone's word so seriously before and I'm not entirely sure why I'm upset now. Staying mad at him wont change anything but I just cant seem to let it go and dish out a nice heaping plate of forgiveness.
Instead I do little things like make dinner, something I picked up on working at a diner.
Or I do the laundry and keep the house clean, that old fashion domestic crap that homemakers and pioneer women did in the fifties and every decade before that.
And while I'm doing all of these things, I reply and repeat the few days of fun we had at Disney Land and that awful morning after and the tragedy the rest of the day brought with it.
Dimitri takes notice and is always thanking me or telling me I don't have to do this and that. He doesn't take advantage or treat me like a maid.
He appreciates it.
And this is another reason I should forgive him.
"You really don't have to do that," he had told me when he came home from work.
I didn't really reply and continued washing and drying the dishes.
"Really, Rose, stop."
He came beside me and grabbed the scrubber out of my hands and the stack of plate I'd been holding. Until then, I didn't realize how hard I'd been on the dishes.
Lissa told me, when she'd called as promised daily, she said it was me letting out any pent up anger over what happened out on anything in front of me.
Right then, I was unleashing my fury on the dishes.
And Dimitri by ignoring him.
"You don't have to do any of this," Dimitri had said still looking at me worriedly. He lifted my hands to examine them. They were rough and wrinkled and a little blistered from the scolding hot water.
I had just quickly pulled my hands away then and scurried to the bedroom I was staying in.
"You should forgive him," Lissa said when I called.
"Have you forgiven Christian?"
"It's different. Dimitri really cares about you."
"And Christian doesn't care about you?"
Silence.
"Have you even forgiven your self?"
Lissa never directly said it during the many times we talked on the phone but I knew she felt guilty about that night. Pride and having the surname of Dragomir kept her from ever admitting it though.
"Rose, just forgive him," she said without answering.
She hung up then, leaving me with my dilemma.
That was a few days ago and every conversation we've had since has been the same and I, laying out on the hammock hanging on the patio, still don't know if I'm up for the 'forgive and forget' thing.
I'm leaning more towards forgive though.
"Hey," Dimitri greeted leaning out the French patio doors.
I surprise both of us by opening my mouth and saying, "Hey."
Taken aback, he hesitated, unsure if he heard right and then he smiled.
Oh, that smile.
"Can I come and sit?"
I nodded. I sat up on the hammock making room.
He sat beside me and rocked the firm hammock with his boots still touching the ground.
Show off, I thought, envious.
I was small, average height and had officially stopped growing.
It took me three tries to get on this hammock and my feet didn't even brush the floor.
"I think we should talk," he started, staring out at the trees behind his four-unit apartment complex.
I'd been waiting to see how long I get away with not talking and avoiding this conversation.
I'd expected it sooner.
He exhaled a long breath.
The crisp air was foggy and thick around us but it didn't stop either of us from looking at the trees we could barely see.
"Dimitri I'm sorry."
He looked again surprised and gave me another confused expression.
"For what, you didn't do anything."
"I never told you how grateful I am…for everything."
He still looked confused.
"You took me in and saved me. On more than one occasion."
"You shouldn't have been in danger in the first place. I shouldn't have left you there alone. One of us should have been there." He stared back at the trees again not really seeing them, all of the regret in his voice.
Forgive and forget.
"That's true but we can't change what happened and to be honest I just want to forget about it."
Honestly I want to forget everything bad that's every happened but baby steps to recovery.
"Forgetting that Mikhail raped-"
"He didn't rape me," I interrupted. That name with that word made bile rise in my throat.
"I'm sorry. Forgetting that he attacked," he amended," you won't make you feel better."
"For now I just want to forget, okay?"
He nodded. "Okay."
"Right now I just want to get past being mad you. I still don't completely trust you but…I don't hate you."
"You hated me?" He sounded truly hurt making me feel guilty a little bit.
"I thought I did but I was just mad at you. For not being there," I added.
He moved his hand, slowly, over my own testing it out and turned those beautiful brown eyes toward me and then down to where hands laid.
"I can understand that. I'm going to win back your trust though. No matter what it takes."
I could hear it in his slightly accented voice he really meant it.
I didn't have any words to say to that.
Only time could tell what would happen.
"I'm just glad you forgive me."
I didn't turn my hand over and clasp it with his or lean into him like I might have done before that night or that entire day for that matter.
I didn't say anything else and neither did he.
We just sat quietly like that for who knows how long.
After the sky changed from afternoon blue to an early nighttime hew, I was the first to break our silence.
"I'm glad we got this over with."
"Me too."
" A fresh start," I said.
Dimitri waited a moment nibbling on his lower lip.
His lips…I looked away hastily.
"What is it?" I asked fiddling with the tie of my sweater.
"What?"
"You're biting your lip. You want to ask me something," I told him, meeting his eyes again.
"What?"
"Every time you bite your lip you have something on your mind so spill it."
It was one of many of the many Dimitri Belikov habits that I'd taken notice to.
He gave a one sided smile.
"Since it's a sort of fresh start, I want to start my campaign to earn your trust back."
"O…kay," I replied uncertain.
"There's another fair at the pier and I was hoping you'd come with me."
"How is going to a fair going to help you earn my trust again?" I asked curious, a slight smile on my face.
He met my smile with one of his own.
"Come with me and see."
If it wasn't for that smile…