Disclaimer: Still not mine... though one day Mr Wolf and I may come to some arrangement.
Go Hawks!! Premiers 2008!!
xoxoxinnocencexoxox
By the time the twins were bedded down for the night, Olivia had packed her bag for their trip to Florida and they had all made their way to Elliot's for the night. Exhausted, Lizzie had fallen asleep quickly, choosing to sleep in her usual bed even though they had offered her the master bedroom and Olivia as a sleeping companion; they took it as a good sign. Dickie slept in the bed next to his sister, the one Kathleen usually used. He had asked Liz twice if it was alright, then checked with Olivia before running it past his dad, just to be sure. He wasn't sure how to help his twin, he wasn't sure what to say, he only knew he couldn't bear for her to be out of his sight at the moment.
Now, a little after one, and having been asleep for the best part of an hour, Olivia rolled over onto Elliot's side of the bed only to find it was empty. She sat up and listened intently, hoping to figure out his whereabouts. A faint repeating thud could be heard and Olivia clambered out of bed before making her way downstairs.
Going down a second set of stairs, Olivia stood silently at the bottom of the steps in the basement and watched as Elliot, dressed only in his navy silk boxers, bench pressed weights, a sheen of sweat making his skin glisten even in the ambient lighting. The intense effort showed on his face and Olivia knew this had little to do with his fitness regime and everything to do with his youngest daughter and the surrounding events which had shattered him.
The barbell clunked back into its resting place before Elliot grabbed the towel and wiped his face. He was oblivious to Olivia's presence and she couldn't find the right words to let him know she was there for him, so she just watched. Groaning as he got up, Elliot moved to the punching bag and began inflicting short, sharp blows on the red sack. Each jab a little harder, each blow reflected in his face as he tried to work out the pain and frustration he was experiencing.
Although putting on a brave face when he was around his family and Olivia, he wasn't coping and he knew it. His stomach had been in a perpetual knot since Fin picked him up from the surveillance and it wasn't improving with time. He punched a little harder, trying to rid himself of his aggression and tension. He needed this release, he could feel his pain bubbling just below the surface and he knew that if he didn't work through it the only way he knew how – with physical aggression, then he ran the risk of losing it completely in front of the others and that was the last thing he needed.
With each blow, Elliot's breathing quickened and his head started to swirl.
He would do anything and everything for his children, anything to have them safe and sound … he had sacrificed so much of his life and himself to work Special Victims, all the while telling himself it was so his children could sleep safe in their beds.
And it turned out to be a lie.
His years of devotion to his job hadn't protected his own daughter, hadn't kept her safe in her own house, in her own bed.
Elliot had prided himself on being a good father, despite his job and the hours he kept. He loved his children more than life itself and thought they loved him in return. But when push came to shove, and at the scariest moment in the twins' fifteen years, they had run to someone else … and while it was Olivia they turned to, and he couldn't fault them for that, it killed him they never came to him …
Never came to him…
He pounded the bag harder.
The thought got stuck in Elliot's head and echoed loudly … never came to him.
He'd spent a huge part of his career dealing with special victims and the witnesses to such crimes and was well respected in the department for his dedication and closure rate. For all the kudos it afforded him with his colleagues, it obviously amounted to fuck all in the eyes of his kids because they never came to him.
And that pained him almost as much as the assault itself.
He started punching harder, each one accompanied by a guttural moan; a mixture of effort, fatigue and gut-wrenching pain.
What was his life worth if everything he had ever worked for was pointless? What sort of cop couldn't even help his own children? What sort of father was he when his own kids chose someone else? What sort of man was he when he amounted to nothing?
He was useless and worthless, just as his own father had told him all those years ago.
Olivia watched as Elliot's punching became more ragged and she knew he'd lost control, his face was contorted and tears were now mingling with the sweat on his face. Not able to let him go on any longer she quickly moved from the stairwell.
"El, Elliot?" she called as she crossed the room. "Elliot, Stop!" Lost in his own swirling world of misery, Elliot didn't respond. She moved around to the other side of the bag, wanting him to see her and not to startle to her touch.
"El, babe, please stop," she pleaded as she grabbed the swinging bag and pulled it from his reach.
It was this action which caught his attention and for the first time he realised he wasn't alone.
Standing in the middle of the room, Elliot dropped his bare, swollen hands to his side and stood there motionless trying to catch his breath and control his emotions before he spoke. Olivia dropped the bag and slowly edged towards him, trying to get a read on him, it wasn't easy.
By the time she was within touching distance, his hands were covering his face as he fell to his knees. Olivia knelt down in front of him, her fingers circling his wrists as best she could, and tugging gently.
"Baby," she whispered. "Hey!" When his arms became rigid and unmoveable, she drew herself to him and placed her hands on the side of his head, before kissing his forehead.
"I love you, Elliot," she soothed, before pressing her lips to his skin once more.
When this elicited no response, Olivia wounds her arms around his neck and pulled Elliot to her and just held him close, gently rocking as they knelt entwined among the gym equipment, washer and dryer and the still full storage boxes.
It was a long while before Elliot took his hands away from his face and wrapped them around Olivia, holding her and swaying with her.
"Love you, El," she whispered, now she knew he was back with her.
"Love you too, Livia," he mumbled as he kissed her neck.
"Love you, El," she repeated. Elliot pulled back slightly.
"You just said that, baby," he whispered.
"Just making sure you heard me," she replied, brushing her hand over his cheek.
A small smile played on his lips but didn't respond.
"You want to tell me about all this?" she asked, raking her fingers through his hair.
He shook his head … he wasn't ready to talk about this yet … wasn't ready to acknowledge his shortcomings as both a father and a cop and he really wasn't ready hear from anyone, especially Olivia, that he was right.
"Okay," she soothed, her hands resting behind his neck. "How about you come up and have a shower then come to bed?"
When Elliot nodded, she took his hand and led him back up to his bedroom in silence.
Olivia lay in bed alone listening to the steady drumming of the shower and contemplating what she could do to help Elliot get through this most recent trauma. She knew it was more than the actual assault; it was something about the way he looked, the way he sounded, that worried her.
She knew forcing the issue wouldn't get her anywhere, and although she loved him and had spent years dreaming of what it would be like to be under him or on top on him, she knew it wasn't going to help this situation either and, even if it would, she didn't feel she could do it, not yet, not after her own recent experiences.
Time dragged on and Olivia became aware of the fact that Elliot had no intention of joining her while she was awake. The water was off and she could hear bursts of activity in the bathroom which resembled cleaning, followed by periods of stillness, then footfalls heading towards the bedroom door before pausing and retreating, only to have the cycle repeat.
Closing her eyes, she focused on keeping her breaths shallow and regular, adding in a few breathless sighs for effect. Trying to convince Elliot she was sleeping almost induced Olivia's slumber but before sleep claimed her, she heard his footsteps approach the door once more, this time they moved into the room. She felt the bed dip as he climbed in and lay flat on his back. Without opening her eyes, Olivia repositioned herself so her head was on his chest and her arm rested across his body.
"Love you," she murmured, before kissing his chest.
"Love you too," he replied and she felt his lips press down on her head.
xoxoxinnocencexoxox
I realise this story is very emotional with little relief. When I wrote it, I actually stopped and completed two one shots, Ice (which is already up) and Daddy for some light relief. I was going to keep Daddy to post it after this story, however, if people are longing to read something fluffy that see El and Liv very 'HAPPY', let me know after you review.
love Nettie