Disclaimer: Still not mine... though one day Mr Wolf and I may come to some arrangement.
xoxoxinnocencexoxox
Walking into the restaurant, Olivia and the twins were guided to the far corner, it was dark but comfortable and they spread out around the booth they were offered.
"Hi, my name's Jesse," the waiter said. "I'll be serving you tonight." He winked at Lizzie and Olivia watched as she shifted uncomfortably. "Our specials are …" he continued, paying way too much attention to Liz and she wasn't coping well with it at all.
"We can read the board," Olivia interrupted, taking the menus from him. "Come back in five minutes and we'll order."
"That's not really how we do things, ma'am, we…" he began but seeing the death glare she was giving him decided against finishing the sentence.
"That was so cool, Liv, you really stopped him," Dickie laughed as the waiter disappeared into the darkness.
"Well, we're here to have a lovely dinner and don't need him, or anyone, spoiling things, do we?" she grinned at Liz and was relieved when she smiled back.
"No, we don't," she replied.
The conversation was kept light and easy. No serious questions, no deep and meaningful issues. Until dessert, when Dickie changed everything.
"Liv, can I ask you a question?" he started guardedly.
"Sure," she replied.
"Why did you join SVU? Was it because your mom was a victim?" he asked, toying with his spoon.
"Well, I guess, yeah," Olivia answered slowly.
"And you too?" he continued, and her eyes widened as she prayed Lizzie hadn't told him about Sealview. "I mean … not a victim like her but more of the circumstances, you know…"
"Yeah," she nodded, sipping her water with relief.
"Is everyone in the squad victims, like you and dad, or do they join for other reasons?" he asked, oblivious to the discomfort these questions were causing.
"Like your dad?" Olivia asked, her eyes darting between the pair.
"Yeah, well, he was a victim too… he doesn't talk about…" he began but stopped as his sister kicked him under the table. "What?"
"I don't know if we should be talking about this," she whispered, well aware Olivia could hear her.
"Liv would already know," he replied, turning back to Olivia. "Liv, you know that dad was abused by his dad, don't you? That he used to belt him and call him all sorts of things?"
Olivia nodded. Not because she already knew but because she didn't want the twins to think she didn't.
After a few moments of silence, Olivia got her thoughts together. "Yeah, he'd said something, I just wasn't aware you knew."
"Dad told me a bit about it when I asked him about that scar on the back of his head. He said it was from a bottle Pop had thrown at him and called him a waste of space when he was about eight and had forgotten to collect the mail. I asked him if Pop did things like that all the time and he said yes, and usually worse. I asked him how a father could do that to his son and he just said Pop was a hard man who found it difficult to show his love."
Olivia just nodded, the pieces falling into place.
Elliot wasn't the tough, angry cop just because he was trying to make the world safer for his children. He was a victim himself; his anger was the result of not being able to stand up for himself when he was younger, now he standing up for all those who couldn't do it for themselves and nothing was going to stop him.
Then it dawned on Olivia that the whole episode the morning before they left; Elliot feeling worthless and useless, it wasn't just because of Lizzie's assault he felt that way but because he'd been told often enough by his dad he was and, despite everything else he had achieved in his life since, he still believed him.
Walking back to the hotel, Olivia was grateful for the cool air and its refreshing qualities. Her head was swirling with this new information and she was struggling to deal with it. In all the years of their partnership, she'd had no real indication Elliot's father had abused him, that his dad was anything other than a hard cop and a tough father. There were enough opportunities for him to disclose such information, especially given the number of times they'd discussed her parentage. She was upset he hadn't confided in her, but then, she wasn't confiding in him so they were even – sort of.
As they walked into the foyer, Olivia's cell rang.
"Bet that's dad wondering where we are," Lizzie said, pressing the elevator button.
Olivia glanced down at the screen. "No, it's Captain Cragen. You guys head up, I'll be right behind you," she said, handing Dickie the room swipe card.
She flicked open the cell. "Hey, Don," she began as the twins stepped into the elevator. The conversation was brief but serious and when it was over, she made her way back up to the room.
"Bad news," she said as Dickie opened the door for her. "I'm needed in New York, have to head back tomorrow morning."
"Um, there's been more bad news, Liv," said Elliot, drawing Olivia's attention to the expressions on the faces of the twins. "Kathy's dad died about an hour ago."
"Oh god, I am sorry," she said, hugging Dickie who was still standing beside her. "How are you guys?" she asked. Lizzie and Dickie both nodded but neither said anything. "How's Kathy?" she asked, leading Dickie to the bed and sitting beside him, facing Elliot and Lizzie.
"Not great," he replied. "I offered to go over, take the kids, but she said no, not til tomorrow."
"I'm sorry I have to go back," she sighed. "Cragen insisted."
"Timing sucks, hey?" he said. As Lizzie snuggled into him, Elliot couldn't help but grin. At least this was something positive.
EOEOEO
Monday night found Olivia lying in the cribs. Working flat out since her return she'd had little chance to go home and sleep, and now, with only the paperwork to finalise, she was ready to admit her exhaustion and succumb to unconsciousness.
Elliot and the twins would still be in Florida for another few days and she wanted to sleep and be refreshed for them.
She lay there wondering how the funeral, held that day, had gone, how they were all coping, how Lizzie was doing. She thought about how it would be to be wrapped in Elliot's arms once more, to feel his lips on hers, to be in his bed. Just as she was drifting off, her cell vibrated and she grinned when she saw the name.
"Hey Lizzie," she smiled. "How are you doing, sweetie?"
"I'm okay," came her tired voice down the line. "Glad the funeral's over."
"Did everything go okay?" she asked.
"Yeah, pretty much," Lizzie yawned.
"You sound tired, baby," she commented, stifling her own yawn.
"Yeah, haven't slept much since you went home," she admitted quietly.
"Why?" she asked, rolling onto her side.
"'Cause … I don't know … I guess I just feel better when you're there," she replied. "What about you, Liv," Lizzie continued. "Do you sleep? I mean after Sealview?"
Olivia sighed deeply, her relationship with Lizzie had to be based on the truth, but sometimes that was too difficult to contemplate.
"I have trouble sleeping," she admitted.
"I talk to you about these things, Livvy, who do you talk to?" she asked.
"No one," she sighed. There were times when she spent hours longing for someone to speak to, someone to hold her and comfort her, just like she had done for Lizzie.
"Why don't you talk to dad about it?" Lizzie whispered. "He's pretty cool, Liv …"
"I know he is, Liz," Olivia yawned.
"You need to sleep, Livvy," she announced. "So, I'm going to go, sleep well."
"You too, baby," she replied.
"And think about talking to dad … " her voice trailed.
"Don't tell him…" Olivia began before she realised the line was dead.
Tuesday afternoon Olivia and Munch returned from taking a witness statement to find Fin sitting at his desk, nursing a split lip.
"Who was she?" Munch grinned, peering over his glasses.
"Olivia," Fin muttered, a bloodied tissue in his hand.
"Me? I didn't do anything," she protested confused.
"Yeah, but it was because of you," he replied, dabbing at the blood which still trickled down his chin.
"Huh?" She was sure she couldn't be more confused if she tried.
"I was here, minding my own business, when your partner rocked up and asked me, 'What the fuck happened in Sealview?'" Fin began, rubbing his jaw. "I told him nothing happened and he decked me saying, 'like hell it hadn't'. He stormed off when the Cap came out."
The colour drained from Olivia's face, he knew … he knew … how the hell did he …Lizzie!
"You okay, Liv?" Munch asked, grabbing her arm, as she stumbled backwards.
"Yeah," she croaked, steadying herself against the desk.
"Olivia," Fin said firmly, standing up from his chair. "What exactly happened in Sealview?"
Her eyes widened, her heart raced. "No…thing."
"Not what it looks like, Liv," Munch said, still holding onto her. "What did the prick do to you?"
She shook her head; this wasn't the conversation she wanted to be having, not here, not now, not with them.
"You got there in time," she managed, looking at Fin. "You got there in time."
"What did he do to you?" Fin counted, moving to stand in front of her.
"Nothing ... it didn't go anywhere ... you came in..." she stammered.
"Olivia," Fin said firmly, "What didn't go anywhere? What did he try and do?"
She closed her eyes and willed the memories away. "Please don't …" she begged in barely a whisper.
"Okay, I won't," Fin replied sympathetically. "But you do need to talk about it … and you need to talk to Stabler, 'cause if he comes near me again I'll shoot him."
Olivia nodded.
Leaving the 1-6, Olivia debated where she would go, she wanted to see Elliot and the kids, she wanted some time to herself, she wanted him to calm down and she wanted to check on Lizzie. In the end she settled on going home, reasoning that she needed to shower and change before she was fit to see anyone.
Stepping out of the shower, Olivia wrapped a white, fluffy towel around her body, before using a matching one to wrap around her head. Padding back to her bedroom she thought she heard movement within her apartment. Slipping on her robe, she grabbed her Glock and made her way to the bedroom door before easing it opened. Edging her way through the opening, she crept down the hallway before scanning the living room as it came into view.
There was definitely someone there.
One deep breath, two, three, and she moved in to the living room, her gun straight out ahead of her. Movement once more, this time coming from the kitchen, stealthily she approached.
"Freeze!" she yelled, aiming her gun at the form in front of her.
"Put it away," Elliot replied wearily, turning to face her.
"Elliot! You scared the shit out of me!" she yelled out of frustration.
"I scared you?" he retorted. "How the hell do you think I felt when my daughter told me about Sealview?"
Olivia shook her head, walking back to the bedroom and re-holstering her weapon.
"Don't walk away from me," he yelled after her.
"I'm not," she sighed, re-emerging rubbing her hair dry.
"I asked you that night," he started. "You said you were okay."
"I was," she replied, dropping her towel onto the counter.
"You were attacked, Olivia!" There was something about the way he said her full name which told her the depths of his anger.
"He didn't rape me," she replied, her eyes filling with tears when she saw the distress in his. "He didn't."
"I don't care whether he raped you or not!" he yelled. "Well, I do … but even if he didn't rape you he still attacked you, didn't he? It was still an assault, wasn't it? A sexual assault?"
As desperate as she felt, he looked more so. She wanted to protect him, didn't want him to have him deal with assaults on both her and his daughter. But there was already too much said so she nodded. "I'm okay," she whispered, hoping it would comfort him, comfort her.
"Like hell you are!" he hissed.
"I'm okay," she repeated, it had become her personal mantra.
He stormed towards her, grabbing her upper arms and pulling her to him. "Why didn't you tell me?" He all but begged, his voice was softer but the pain was clearly there.
"Why didn't you tell me?" she countered. "About your dad?"
Elliot let go and stepped back. "What about my dad?" he asked as his brow furrowed.
"Why didn't you tell me he used to abuse you? Used to hit you? Humiliate you? In all the years we've been partners, talking about my father, why didn't you ever tell me about yours?" The questions poured from her, her tone defensive and anxious at the same time.
"Liv, what the fuck does my father have to do with what happened at Sealview?" he spat. "It was over thirty years ago … Sealview was what? Two months …Big difference."
"Big difference in time, not in reasons …" she said softly. "The reasons you didn't tell me, the reasons I didn't tell you … it's what makes us us."
He studied her curiously; wondering how on earth she could compare an abusive parent with a near rape. Wondering what it would take for her to talk to him … like he had spoken to her the morning they left for Florida … for her to trust him with her secrets and her fears … for her to let him in; into her heart, into her life.
"Olivia, are you going to talk to me?" he asked calmly. She stayed silent for a long time. "Liv?" he prompted.
"I can't," she whispered. Not yet ready to relive the event, not ready for him to know just how desperate things had been and how much she had hated him at that moment, simply because he wasn't there. "Elliot!" she called as he grabbed his jacket and stalked to the door. "Don't go!"
"Doesn't seem much point in staying," he retorted.
"Please!" She hated that she was begging but she couldn't help herself.
"When you are ready to talk, you know where to find me."
Then he was gone.
xoxoxinnocencexoxox
There's one chapter left in this story. After the overwhelming support with the early chapters I embarked on writing an epilogue, which I have finished but no longer like the ending, so I will try and rewrite it. That may mean a longer than usual gap between the final chapter and epilogue but I'll try my best.
Thanks once again for your continued support and encouragement for this story, it means so much.
I would ask, if only for my own happiness, that if you've read any part of this, you leave me at least one review and let me know what you think. There are 90 people who have alerted this story, which amazes me, I'd like to hear from all of you :D I could try and bribe you...but I won't.
love Nettie
xoxoxox