~Before him, everything is cloudy~

With your eyes closed

You grow old. You are not the same anymore, your body is new but you don't really remember how and why it happened. You know who you can do things like that, changing your face and becoming someone else. You know he can do it as well. That makes him closer to you.

You're not afraid anymore. You're not alone anymore. You've found your place next to her, and become her friend. You know she is someone important to you, your mother, but she's got your age and doesn't even know who you are. You don't care, you're not here to like her. You're here to be liked by her. You're here to be trusted by her. You're here to use her, to get to him, to do what you have to do.

However, sometimes you dofeel tenderness for her. You spend too much time with her to remain unfeeling. But each time you're going too far, each time you like her so much that you want to stop that everything, each time you do, something happens in you. It's like someone erases all your emotions. And each time it happens you lose some memories, and each time it happens you lose another part of your humanity.

She always talks about him, and he becomes somehow more present in your life. You already know everything about him, and she can't even realize you teach her things about him. He is in all of your conversations, all of your games. It's like he is here, with you, invisible, but present. In a way he is, he has left many traces everywhere in her house. You can see them, even though she can't, millions of time traveling glimmers on every objects he touched, every footprint he made.

She often says that, someday, you're going to marry him, and that way her best friends would be together. You don't try to argue with her, but you know it will never happen. Life is not a game, and you don't think that someday you will be able to love someone deep enough to be linked with him for the rest of your life. Even if, in a way, he is already linked to you. His fate and yours are tightly tied together. Much more than you can understand.

You don't know love, you can't remember love, love has been erased of your soul, and so was the single moment when you've met him before. But they can't erase it completely. Sometimes you dream of it, you see his light, you remember his voice. And your life is full of those contradictions, day and night, love and hatred; you are losing yourself waiting for him, focusing on him, and what you should or should not feel about him, about her, about that everything.

You are exhausted when that day finally comes when he comes back to her and you're here, you've waited for him for so long that you can't miss him.

You do what you have to do.

You kill him.

As you are doing, a part of yourself is dying too. The light he has put into you turns off and you fall into the dark. You discover hell. You discover guiltiness. But you also discover peace, and forgiveness. You are so down that the only thing you can do is jumping and you fly higher than ever.

He does not care about his own end, he can only think about you and your safety. And before he breathes for the last time he tells you the very truth of your life. He shows you who you are and what you are really made for. He explains you the feelings you don't understand. He gives you hope, he gives you strength. He trusts you. He frees you. He saves you.

His light is dying and he is giving all of it to you, it burns in you and takes the shadow out of your mind. All your memories suddenly come back to you and you understand everything. You know what's right and what's not. You see what you have missed, and what's all front of you, waiting for you to be, waiting for you to make them true.

For the first time you feel like you are at the right place, at the right moment. So you do what you really have to do, not because someone told you, not because he asked you, but because you want to, you, the true and free you. You choose your path and it leads to him.

You give him everything you have and more. You give his light back to him and you give him your own. You give him energy. You give him your whole life.

This is the day when you are born for the second time.

x.

Open your eyes

You come back to the world around you, the real world, and what is happening in it. Nothing has changed. You are still lying on the ground. You are still senseless. You are still dying. You are still staring at the same grey wall covered up with lights flashing on.

You are about to go back to your mind when you see something different. It's another flash, bigger and brighter than the others. It's a green light that fills up the air around you and covers everything. For one second you can't see anything and you think that you've reached the end. You must be dead and that's the light of your life leaving the world. You think it's beautiful.

When it turns off everything stands still for a moment. There are no flashes anymore, no sounds, no cries. It's all quiet and you're glad that finally it's over. You will be able to go peacefully.

You half close your eyes, but something strikes your sight, and you can't believe it. It's him, coming to you. He is surrounded by light, as you always see him, but this time the light is shining brighter than you've ever seen, reflecting on his white suit. You find it weird, because you realize he never wears white suits. You think he looks like some divine apparition, looks like an angel. You never believed in God, Heaven, or Angels, so you can't believe that what you see is true. He must be nothing but a dream.

He walks up and knees next to you. He is so close you can see fear in his eyes. You try to move, to speak to him, you try to touch him but then you remember you can't. At that moment you feel his hands on you, you feel his warmth and you know he is real, he is here, and you're not dreaming anymore. You can't hear what he is saying, but he is sending you soft thoughts, from his mind to yours, telling you everything is right and he won't leave you.

Hold on.

Stay with me.

Come on, I know you can do it.

He puts his arms around you and takes you off the ground. You're in his light and you think that you don't want anything more than that: your last breath living for ever around him. And you feel right, you feel happy, you feel safe and you feel thankful. He has always given you the best life and now he is giving you the perfect end.

You feel a deep searing pain as your heart stops, and then come the void and the delightful emptiness.

You think you succeed to smile before darkness falls on you.

...