D-San: The second letter! This time, it's from Xanxus. D'aaaaawww!
Prompt: "I'm motherfucking Xanxus."
Inspired By: My friend Andy and I had a talk about Xanxus and how pissed he'd be if he were real and actually reading all of this fanfiction about him. xD
Central Characters: Xanxus, D-San
Small Summary: Xanxus decides that enough is enough. He's pissed and weilds a pen and a phone. He's deciding to write to an author that will hopefully sympathize with him...
Disclaimer/Warning: D-San doesn not own any KHR! characters, only the letters. This has a lot of cursing in it, but it's Xanxus, so you should expect that...
You know what, trash? Fuck you. Fuck your stories, fuck your plots, just fuck you. I ain't about to be made into a laughingstock just because you want some goddamn kicks. You don't know who I am, do you? Well, I'm Xanxus, motherfucker. I have two Xs in my name for a reason—no, they're not variables! They let you know I'm the Tenth two times over, and you'd best remember that.
Can I cross out the Xs in your name, Xanxus-kun? Because you're being a real anus in this letter…
If you cross out the Xs in my name, I'll personally come to your trashy hut and blow your face off and stick your dick in your eye sockets.
How the hell did he-?
You don't have one? Doesn't matter; I'm Xanxus and I'll do whatever I want to you, scum.
Hey! I'm not scum, thank you very much!
Now, I'm going to take a moment to set some things straight right now, starting with the Varia.
I don't care about these pieces of shit. I'm not fucking the shark, I'm not fucking the prince, I'm not fucking Levi, and there's no way in hellI'm fucking the flamboyant fag Lussuria. Being with Mammon is pedophilia on the outside, and being with Fran is impossible; Bel kissed the frog a long time ago. I don't take sloppy seconds.
I'm a powerhouse, damn it. I swear the only reason Sawada won is because my guys kept bitching at me, and I just decided 'Hell, I'll give them some charity'. That's the only reason. If I was focused on Sawada only, his ass would be grass. Turkey neck*. I swear.
What does turkey neck mean?
Doesn't matter what the hell turkey neck means; just get that Sawada would be six feet under, sleeping with the fishes, doing the dusty graveyard tango, all that shit.
Let me calm down for a minute. Ugh. My blood pressure. I actually have a lot of health problems, if you need the truth in this damn letter. High blood pressure, low tolerance threshold, hypertension, anger issues. I've had them since I was a kid; a young guy. You see, I first noticed my Flames when I was six—this is gay. But I'll keep going anyway.
So, okay, I found my Flames and then my whore of a mother started spouting off nonsense that I was really this guy Timeteo's son, and I was getting pissed off because I'm like 'I know that he ain't my dad, you delusional whore', but she wouldn't listen and then I was sent off to live with the asshole. And then you know what happens next; I live a lie for years and then finally gather up the shark and the rest of the misfits and start fucking shit up. Then I get frozen.
Do you know how much that pissed me off? I mean, who the fuck wants to get frozen in a block of ice! I really think that there should be a rule during hot, unbridled combat that you can't just go and freeze someone. It's anticlimactic, really.
What do you know about anticlimactic, Xanxus-kun..?
I need to tell you something. Right now. If you ever make a story where I fall in love with someone, I'll kill you. Blow you to pieces. Turkey neck. I swear.
What the hell does that even mean; I want to know!
I don't 'fall in love'. I fuck, sure, but that's it. Love is for punks like Sawada and his motley rainbow crew which I don't like to be associated with period. It pisses me off when people say "Oh, hey, it's the Varia, who works for Tsu-kun kyaaaaah"—cut the shit. I ain't working for Sawada, ever. Oh, the thing I hate more than being smitten by some Mary-Sue bitch and being told that I work for Sawada is when I'm paired with Sawada. I guess everyone forgot how I tried to blow his fucking face off during the fight at his middle school. I swear, you have no idea how much that pisses me off!
Xanxus.
What?
Why are you writing me a letter while you're dictating it to me over the phone?
Screw conformity; I don't have to please you, you piece of shit!
…
Hmph. I guess I like stories that keep me in character. I like stories that make me look like a badass. That's why I write my own. Don't you dare laugh. I'm tired of being written out of character just to satiate these fangirls' dripping pussies. I'm tired of it, damn it! You haven't had a chance to write me into any on your stories, but you had better take this as a damn good warning, okay? I have two guns and I'm not afraid to use these bitches!
Such an angry letter…
This is the end, I guess. Wait, no, it's not.
Fuck.
I need to tell you about when I got Bester. It was the bestmoment ever. I mean, he's just like me. If I was a lion and he was a lion, we would be twins.
…Bester is a lion.
He's regal and cool, like yours truly. He doesn't take shit, and he's powerful. When you see him glare at you, you'd best start to pissing in your white undies or he'll make you…with his fangs. When Bester gets too angry, his stripes start to show. That's right; he's a fucking liger and I'm the only person competent enough to get him to respect me. That's an honor. Yes, it's possible for me to feel honored. Honestly, this letter is too short for my tastes, but what can I say?
Wax poetic for a little while; try to at least say something without putting an obscenity in it.
The Varia…it's like having a dysfunctional family that you don't even like that way. Imagine all of the members of your family that you don't like. That's the Varia. Even though we'd all be fine—maybe even better off—without each other, we make it fucking work anyway. Because that's how we roll. I throw things at the shark, I shoot at the prince, and I abuse Levi whenever I can because that's just how we roll. We don't show those flowery feelings like concern and shit. We are who we are…and I guess this is going to sound really soft, but if they changed, I'd just kill 'em.
You call that soft?
In closing, I'm Xanxus. I have two Xs in my name; I'm the Tenth two times over. I don't have Vongola blood running through my veins, but the game'd change if I ever did become Vongola Decimo. I like steak and any good liquor I can get my hands on; I hate the new watered-down flowery shit. I abuse and insult my squad because even through all of that, they would still follow me because I'm the fucking boss. I don't like fucking Mary-Sues and I damn well don't like Sawada or his flowery squad of pussies. Like I said at the beginning, fuck your plots, fuck your jokes, because I'm not gonna' change just to make you happy.
~ ( Such an angry letter... ) ~
An amused chuckle escaped the lips of the recipient of the letter. She had already heard it over the phone, but reading it now, she could hear the changes in Xanxus' perpetually irate tone. A shift from angry to reflective to livid to amused. The last paragraph had an air of finality in it. 'I'm Xanxus,' it said, 'and I ain't changing for you or for anyone, so shove it far up your ass'.
"I wouldn't have it any other way, Xanxus-kun." Then the letter was thrown nonchalantly in the fire the recipient was sitting in front of, the smell of burning paper filling the cozy space.
* Turkey neck is an expression that everyone in my school uses more or less when they're dead serious. It's hilarious to hear coming from two guys about to get into a fistfight. "Man, I'mma 'bout t'sock you; turkey neck, nikkuh!" It's so funny.
So, Owari, and look out for more letters. I'll take some suggestions, if anyone has them...