Chapter 20:

Nicole POV

"Okay…..So you now have the ability to turn invisible?"

"No, I'm just a ghost that sounds like the real Nicole. What do you think, Prowl?"

It was an hour after the little fiasco in the Rec room during the party. After Mirage's obvious-but-correct observation, everyone had calmed down to some extent and the party had resumed…..sort of. I was still invisible, and couldn't figure out how to change back to visible(much to the twins' amusement). Prowl had woken up because of the ruckus in the Rec room, and, after he had regained some sense of the real world (in other words, he had sobered some), . Apparently he had to fill out a report about what had happened. Barricade was sitting quietly in one of the chairs behind me, Hound was standing off to the side, Mirage was…somewhere, in the room. And I was sitting as best as I could in a dress on Prowl's desk. Still invisible. Wearing roller skates.

Did I mention how strange it is to be in a dress, invisible, and wearing roller skates at the same time?

Prowl rubbed his helm tiredly, optics dim. "Honestly? I'm thinking about just letting Wheeljack and Perceptor poke at you while I get a good recharge and rest. My fragging helm hurts because of a certain saboteur." That last part was said rather loudly, so that said saboteur leaning against the door outside could hear it.

A low whine was the response from Jazz. Prowl, it seemed, was the only bot in existence that could lock a door against the infamous Jazz.

Prowl scowled at the datapad in front of him, like it would disappear if he glared hard enough. "Primus, can't this wait till the morning?"

Barricade growled lowly behind me. "I'd like it if I could actually see my sparkmate first." Then he glanced at Hound. "How the frag do you deal with it?"

Hound shrugged. "You'll get used to it? ….Sooner or later?" He said uncertainly.

"Uhh, hello?" I asked, waving my arms, before I realized they couldn't see me. "As much as I agree to a good night's sleep, I'd like to be able to see myself, too, you know. How the frag am I supposed to eat like this?"

"We could always dump paint on ya." Jazz said ever helpfully from behind the door.

"Shut up, Jazz." Barricade and I snapped simultaneously.

I heard a sigh, and then Mirage appeared standing right behind Barricade, which made my poor sparkmate jump a foot in the air. "Since you don't have a cloaking device installed in you, the best advice I can give you is just imagine you can see yourself."

"Oh, that's helpful. Look, I'm imagining I can see my arm. Oh, wait, I still can't see my arm, and neither can you."

"At least try it, Nicole." Prowl sighed tiredly.

"Fine." I grumbled. I held my invisible arm out and stared at where I thought it was, imagining my arm visible again. After a few moments of suspenseful waiting, I almost gave up until I felt a tingle go through me. Then my arm faded back into sight. "Thank God." I muttered.

"Nicole, your left foot is still invisible."

"Oh. Thanks, 'Cade." Then I looked up to Mirage, only to see that he was invisible again. "Thanks, Mirage…Wherever you are." That last part was muttered, looking around the room.

The door swished open, and Jazz fell inside, looking surprised before grinning sheepish. "I'm glad to have been a service," Mirage's voice trailed down the hall.

Hound waved goodbye to us and stepped over Jazz, who was trying to stealthily creep into the room on his servos and knees. Prowl gave him a pointed glare and the saboteur smiled sheepishly again before backing out slowly…..still on his servos and knees.

Once the door had slid shut again, Prowl looked at me with a piercing gaze that made it hard to believe that just an hour before he had been over energized. "Any other things that need to be brought to attention that might concern the AllSpark? Development of any new abilities or signs of any?"

I wondered if Prowl could read minds.

"Um….."

"Oh, Primus…..," Prowl muttered dropped his helm into his servos. "How long, how many, and why haven't you told us?"

"How long? Well, I started feeling real weird this morning when Mirage found me in the cafeteria-"

"Weird, as in how?" Barricade asked.

"Like I had a fever. And the fact that I was the only one who could feel it was pretty strange, too. Then when we were on the way back to the Med Bay, I listened in on Mirage's comm link while he was talking to Jazz."

Prowl was scribbling furiously on the datapad. "And how did you do that?"

I shrugged. "I just wished I was able to listen in, and then I could hear every word they were saying."

"Have you tried reading processors?"

"No."

Prowl stopped writing and stared at me. "Okay, what am I thinking right now?"

I hesitated for a second, then jokingly said, "You're thinking that I can be an idiot and really immature sometimes and that you wish I would leave already."

"That's exactly what I'm thinking."

There was silence for a moment. Then, "Prowl, I was kidding."

"…Oh."

Jazz snickered outside the door. "Someone's predictable."

Prowl glared at the door, but looked back to me. "Okay, well, you can't try to read Barricade, as he's your bondmate, and apparently I'm too predictable," another glare at the door, "so what is Jazz thinking?"

I sighed tiredly. "I don't know, Prowl, okay?"

"Try."

"Prowl, maybe your pushing her too hard." Barricade said.

I sighed again. "It's okay, 'Cade. Jazz, whatever you're thinking, well, think it." Skating over to the edge of Prowl's desk that was closest to Barricade, I sat down with my legs hanging over the side. I closed my eyes to help my concentration. First, I blocked out all the sounds of the mechs systems, then focused on the presence outside the door that was Jazz. Gently, I pushed my way in.

There were layers, the AllSpark told me. Four of them. The first was emotions and feelings, the most open part of a bot or human, even. Jazz was feeling love for Prowl right now, excitement, energetic, care for me and several others, and happiness. But, there was also sadness, grief, anger. With a pang of sorrow, I realized something then. No matter what was going on at the moment, or how happy someone was, this war left scars that never went away. The feelings of grief over losing friends, anger at the unfairness of so many innocent lives lost, sadness of losing something precious never left. They never would, and that fact by itself was enough to make me feel remorse.

Swallowing, I pushed in further. The second layer was the personality. What made the bot or person who they were, what dictated their decisions, what aspects affected their thoughts. Jazz's personality was a big fast whirlwind full of color. His likes, his dislikes, fears, and memories. Flashes of loose, open, meaningless memories flitted around me, and I didn't dwell on what they showed. I wasn't here to pry into one of my closest friend's memories.

I pushed ahead, and met a solid firewall of resistance. I poked it with my mind, gently at first, then added a little pressure behind it.

A pang of hot pain washed over me as I was pushed out brutally and quickly. I gasped, holding my head in my hands. That hurt.

Through the haze of pain, I vaguely heard Barricade get mad, and Prowl telling Jazz that he was pushing me out. I sucked in a breath and opened my eyes. The light in the room seemed a lot brighter now. Jazz had come in and was standing beside the desk now, watching me worriedly. "Frag, Nicki, I'm sorry."

I waved the apology away, wincing. "It's nothing, Jazz. I was going too fast."

Barricade turned his holoform on and knelt next to me, brushing some bangs back from my face. "Nicole, it's been fifteen minutes since you started."

"What?" I asked, surprised. "It's only felt like two minutes!"

Prowl was frowning, looking almost guilty. "We can finish this tomorrow if you want-"

"No, I want to finish this now." I said. Then I looked at Jazz. "If you'll let me."

Jazz nodded. "Yeah, ya can. I reacted on instinct. Felt almost like Sou-". He abruptly stopped.

'Soundwave.' I finished in my head.

An awkward silence hung in the room.

I sighed shakily. "Okay, this time, no matter what happens, don't interrupt me or touch me." I looked at Jazz. "Just relax, and focus on one thought. Ready?"

He nodded.

"Okay." I took another deep breath and closed my eyes. This time I tried to rush through the process, but at the same time I was careful not to do anything that might cause Jazz to push me out again.

When I reached the wall that blocked the third layer, I brushed against it. 'Relax, Jazz. Just let me in. I promise I won't do anything.'

Jazz's presence shifted in surprise at hearing my voice, and after a moment, he thought, 'I know ya won't, Nicki.'

Then the firewalls slowly fell down.

I went into the third layer of Jazz's processor.

And was almost knocked out just by the blunt force of open thoughts.

This layer was crazier than the second. It was entirely made of thoughts. They knocked together, pushed me and pulled me, like a wild river. It was almost like being back in the room I had first met Jazz in, the one with the moving symbols all over the walls. Except these weren't symbols; they were thoughts. Jazz's thoughts. The best way to describe it was a channel. Jazz's train of thought would be going one way, then another way. One never ending string of thoughts.

At the moment, there was thought that kept repeating itself.

',babygirl.'

Unconsciously, I smiled. 'Thanks, Jazz.'

'Anytime.'

I pulled out, not even bothering to go further towards the fourth and final layer. That layer was the spark, the one that included the bond with your bondmate, creators, or siblings. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't have gone into that layer. Some things are even beyond the AllSpark. Breaking into a bond is one of those things.

I opened my eyes. Prowl and Barricade were staring at me intently, the tactician having around the desk to kneel in front of me. Behind them was Jazz, smiling gently. I smiled at the Solstice, and he flashed one side of his visor, the equivalent of a wink.

Looking back to Barricade and Prowl, I grinned. "Well, good news, Jazz does have a processor."

They both smiled, and Prowl stood up. "I could have told you that."

"So how long was it that time?" I asked.

"Seven minutes." Barricade said. His holoform appeared next to me again. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. More than okay."

While Barricade's holoform helped me stand up in the skates, Prowl asked, "So did it work?"

"Yeah," Jazz answered for me. "It worked alright. Heard Nicki talkin' in my head."

"Okay, now that that is settled….." Prowl moved back behind his desk and picked the datapad back up. "That was the only new ability?"

"No. There's one more." I said, fiddling with the shard hanging around my throat.

"Well, what is it?"

I held my hands out, willing the same force field I had conjured up during the last battle to protect Prowl to appear again. This time, instead of being a wall of blue light, it was a full dome that surrounded me. I looked up at Prowl, feeling a little smug. "That."

"A force field." Barricade muttered to himself.

Jazz leaned forward and poked my little blue dome, much to my annoyance. "The term 'personal bubble' has a whole new meanin', now."

"When did you gain the ability to make force fields?" Prowl asked, again writing something on the datapad.

"During the last battle." I fought to keep down a shudder. The last battle was not something pleasant to think about. "After that Decepticon shot you through the doorwing, he was about to-" I hesitated, not wanting to say the words 'kill you' , "-to shoot you again, but I saw and on instinct transwarped in front of you. I didn't even have to think about, really. It just appeared. The force field wasn't very strong and the blast burned my hands, but it worked, as you can see."

Prowl had stopped his writing to stare at me. "That was you?"

"Yeah, why?"

Prowl looked shaken up. "I thought that someone else had shot him. It hurt so much I wasn't really paying attention to anything else. I had no idea that-that you-" Prowl stopped and shuddered. He leaned forward until he was looking in my eyes. "As much as I am thankful to you for saving my life, please don't ever do that again. If you had died-"

I gave him a hard glare. "You would die for me, and I would do the same. Just because I am smaller and weaker doesn't mean I'm afraid to protect my family."

"I never said you were weak-"

"I know, but you don't have to say it. I know I am and I'm perfectly fine with it."

The tactician studied me for a second, almost like searching for something, before shaking his helm and smiling. "Such bravery is foolish."

"But effective." I countered. Clearing my throat, I said, "That was the last one. I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm ready to sleep. There's been enough excitement today to last for a life time."

And I have a feeling it's not over. I added as an afterthought.

Barricade watched me carefully as I skated ahead of him. "So you have to wear those for a week straight?"

"Yep." I looked down at my pink skates. "The only time I don't have to wear them is when I go to sleep or take a shower. But I think I'm getting the hang of 'em."

Karma decided to have a laugh and as soon as I said that, I nearly fell backwards.

My spark mate's holoform caught my arm just in time and shook his head. "What would you do without me?"

"Hmmm." I pretended to give it some thought. "Probably do something stupid and end up getting myself killed."

"Probably."

"Aft, you weren't supposed to agree."

"Even though it's right?"

"Yes."

As soon as he was sure I would fall over again, Barricade turned off his holoform and stopped next to me. I started skating circles around him. He watched me for a few moments before asking, "Sure you don't want me to carry you?"

"Perfectly sure." I paused as I started another circle around him. "Did I mention how breezy this feels?"

Barricade snorted and shook his helm. "I swear you have ADD."

"I can at least carry a two minute conversation, unlike Jazz or Willow."

The Mustang hmmed, seemingly lost in thought. After another few minutes of walking towards our quarters, he said quietly, "Did you see the look on Jazz's faceplates when we left?"

I looked up at him curiously, skating so that I matched his pace. "No, but he was real quiet. Why?"

Barricade's cerulean optics dimmed briefly, before blazing brightly. "He looked…..I don't know what the word is, but the closest thing I can say is disturbed."

"Disturbed?"

"Yeah. Do you think it was because of the last battle? Because of what happened?"

I turned so that I was skating backwards so I could face him. "You mean Prowl almost getting slagged for good? Yeah, that was definitely why. The last battle isn't exactly a good memory for Jazz."

"Since when is any battle good for anybody?" Barricade asked darkly.

"Well, we won, and no one died-"

"You almost did." The Mustang said sharply, looking at me with a harsh glare. "You almost died. Prowl almost did. Bumblebee got himself royally slagged. And others did, too."

"Barricade, dying is part of life. I'm going to die one day." It was out of my mouth before I even thought of saying it, and it shocked me.

Before I could even think, my sparkmate had turned on his holoform and appeared in front of me, grabbing my shoulders. His blue eyes blazed brighter with distress and he looked almost desperate. "Nicole, please, please, please, don't ever say that!"

I stared at him in shock. "But-"

Barricade shook me gently. "Stop. Just please stop."

I saw how desperate my beloved mech was. I saw the fear. I saw the pain. I saw it all in his eyes. So I shoved what I had been going to say back down my throat and sighed. "Fine, I'll drop it."

Barricade looked so relieved that it scared me.

The next morning - noon, actually; I had slept in late - I woke up to an empty room. After an awkward silence on the way back, Barricade had told me that Prowl had actually included him in the duty roster. And he had first shift on monitor duty. So it wasn't a surprise that I woke up by myself. A small part of me was sort of glad. It gave me time to think over what had happened. My sparkmate was apparently more afraid of losing me than I thought. Half of me was glad, the other…not so much.

If it scared Barricade that much with me just mentioning, I couldn't help but cringe at how he would react when I really was dead.

It made me angry. Why, why, why was everything so difficult? Why couldn't things be easy? Why couldn't something go right? The question of 'why' kept echoing through my head.

In the end, I tore the necklace off my neck and threw it at the wall with as much force as I had. I shouted several obscenities at the AllSpark in my mind. I even punched the wall. (Which, by the way, didn't hurt the wall, but bruised my knuckles! Oh, joy.)

I kept the necklace off until I began to feel sick. When it was resting on my neck again, I still felt sick. It no longer offered comfort. Now it only was a reminder to the death sentence that had been given to me.

Since when had life gotten so dark?

Just as I walked out of our quarters, I felt the tell-tale slight shaking of the ground that meant a Transformer was nearby. I stopped and waited until I saw Prowl walk around the corner, reading a datapad.

I watched Prowl walk by, not so much as even glancing at me. I cleared my throat. "Uh, Prowl?"

The tactician stopped in mid-step, surprised, and looked around. Then he looked down at me with surprise. "My apologies, Nicole. I didn't even realize I was here already."

Already? "Yeah, well, you looked pretty caught up in whatever you were reading."

He glanced at the datapad with disdain. "Mudflap and Skids had too much high grade last night and decided it would be amusing to do rig the energon dispenser after we left the party. It…..short circuited and caused a mini explosion, covering several bots in Energon. Mainly Tracks, Ironhide, and Red Alert. It ended in a scuffle and the twins taking a trip to Ratchet's Med Bay. And Red Alert fritzed."

I tried very hard not to laugh, and instead said, "Were you coming to see me?"

Prowl nodded. "Yes. I'm guessing Barricade is already on shift?"

"Yep."

He nodded again. "Good. I came here to tell you that Ratchet has cleared you, so, in his words, 'Stop jumping in front of cannon fire and almost getting yourself fragging killed'. I agree."

I crossed my arms, scowling. "I don't 'jump in front of cannon fire', it's just that I have really bad luck and the 'Cons always decide to have target practice when I'm nearby."

The Charger snorted. "Maybe." Then he paused, looking back at the datapad. Not looking up, he said, "By the way, Wheeljack and Perceptor still need to try out that anti-gravity generator."

I perked up. "Really? Where are they?"

"Outside in the back of the base. I'm headed there now, if you want to go with me."

"Sure." I saved Prowl the trouble of bending down and just transwarped to his shoulder. "Did I show you my ring last night?"

Prowl frowned a little, but said, "If you did, I don't remember, because I was…over energized."

Drunk, in other words. I added in my head. "Look, isn't it beautiful?" I held my left hand out for him to see, and the tactician did look, sighing a little. I frowned. "What's wrong?"

Prowl shook his helm. "Nothing. It is beautiful, Nicole. I'm happy for you."

"But?"

"But…. Well, it seems as though you've grown up too fast. It's easier to forget that you're bonded when it is without the ring, but now there is a constant reminder on your hand that you're not… a child anymore."

I stared at my feet as Prowl walked, thinking over his words. "So, in other words, you're saying that you're sad because I'm all grown up?"

"Yes. I mean, I'm happy that you're experiencing the same love that I have for Jazz, but it shows that you've grown up, and you can take care of yourself now. I watched your progress as you grew up, Nicole, even after Sam and Mikaela died. I cannot help but feel as though you are my daughter and be sad that you've grown up. Is that bad?"

I shook my head, smiling a little. "No, Prowl. It's not. It's just what any good creator would do." He nodded, smiling, and we continued to walk towards the back of the base where Wheeljack and Perceptor would be with their doohickey.

But, like every time I allowed myself one moment to relax, something had to ruin it. And this time it was a question. One that I hated to ask, but just had to ask.

"Prowl, do you wish the war had never happened?"

The SIC halted in mid step. "…What?"

I swallowed, a bit shocked my own question. "Do you wish that the war had never happened?"

For a long time he didn't answer. When we arrived at the door that lead outside to where Wheeljack and Perceptor were, I thought he just wouldn't answer at all. Prowl set me on the ground, and I started to go out the door, but he stopped me.

I turned to look at him. Prowl hesitated, for the first time since I had met him looking uncertain, but said, "No."

"Nicole, did you hear me?"

I jumped, pulled from my brooding over Prowl's answer by Perceptor. "No, I'm sorry. What were you saying?"

The two scientists had already showed me their anti-gravity generator. It was made of what looked like solar panels put together and connected by wiring and circuitry. Running from it were three cables-red, black, and yellow-hooked up to what looked like a really, really big generator. And that had an extension cord running in the base, to an outlet. (Who knew an anti gravity invention designed by alien robots would be powered by an outlet that I used to charge my phone?)

The panel was ten by ten feet. I could why they had need something small to test it on.

"I was saying that if you have any metal objects on you, you might want to remove them. We don't know what the reverse affect of the gravity will do to metal, such as jewelry."

"What about the AllSpark shard?"

"I don't think it should affect it."

I knew better than to open my mouth and ask another question that would lead to a long lecture, so I just did as he said and took off my silver bead earrings and ring that Barricade had given me. The sun was shining, and there was only a gentle breeze today, so I took off my jacket off and put the jewelry in the pocket before setting it on the ground.

" 'Kay, so now what?"

Wheeljack piped up from where he was tinkering with the giant generator, earfins flashing merrily. "Just step up on the panel."

"Just…step on it."

"Yep."

"Just...walk on it. That's all I do?"

"Uh-huh."

"…Okay." I stepped on the panel, and looked down at the reflective surface only to wince and look away as the sun shined back in my eyes. My converses looked really strange on the panels. "Now what?"

"Just wait." Both Wheeljack and Perceptor went and crouched down behind a blockade. I eyed said blockade warily. "This thing isn't going to blow up, is it?"

Wheeljack looked as offended as he could with a face mask. "Of course not." I heard Perceptor whisper quietly, "That's what you said last time, and it blew up."

"Well, don't tell her that!" Wheeljack whispered back.

I glared at both of them. "I can hear you. Wheeljack, if this blows up with me on it, I'm going to-"

"O-kay, Nicole! You ready?" The engineer cut me off hastily, earfins flashing.

"I guess." I muttered, again staring down at my converses.

"Right… 3...2...1!"

He pressed a button on a hand held remote. For a moment nothing happened; then the generator started shaking, and spit out a black cloud of exhaust with a loud bang. I flinched, and Perceptor and Wheeljack ducked down behind the blockade.

It let out another bang, before the rhythm of the machine settled out to a steady hum. Suddenly the air around me felt charged, and the hairs on my arms stood up as an electric current passed through the air.

I grumbled, trying to keep my hair from turning into a staticky mess. "This better not give me an afro- Eeep!"

I squeaked as I suddenly felt weightless. My shoes lifted off the panels and it took a full ten seconds to realize, Holy crap, I'm floating.

My balance decided to take a hike, and I slowly leaned until I was floating horizontally. My arms waved around wildly, trying to regain some, if not all control of gravity.

Behind the blockade, Wheeljack and Perceptor were happily rejoicing in the fact that it actually worked and hadn't exploded. Yet. I waved at them, now upside down five feet in the air. "Uh, hello? Just the guinea pig your using to test this thing out wanting to know how the hell to get down!"

"We haven't taken notes yet, so you'll just have to stay up there for a little longer, Nicole." As Perceptor said this, I felt a tingling sensation go through me as he scanned me.

"Notes? You've got to be kidding! Look, I'm five-no, ten now-feet in the air! What else do you want to know?"

"Your blood pressure, heart rate, body temperature. How do you feel?"

"How do I feel- 'Jack, Percy, you've got to be joking. You want to know how I feel? I thought this was science, not one of Ratchet's check ups!"

"Ratchet's check ups include cursing, flying wrenches, sustaining damage from the medic himself to the helm, verbal abuse, and threats. There is none of that here, so this is not like one of Ratchet's check ups." Wheeljack said, looking at some small screen that held the measurements of the settings of the generator.

I glared at him, now upright again, with my arms crossed, but the wind blew harder and my hair whipped in front of me. I quickly spit it out and tied it back in loose ponytail. I was about to snap something back…when I looked down.

I was now 20 feet in the air, and still rising. Sure, I had been sitting higher on the Autobots shoulders before, but there wasn't anything holding me up or nothing beneath me. Which can be…disconcerting. Or freaky, for use of a better word.

"Uhh, Wheeljack? What happens if I float off the panel?"

"What do you mean?"

"Like, if I float out of the panel edges, where there's only ground beneath me?"

"You plunge to your death. Why?"

"Because I'm about to float off! Hurry up and get me down!"

Both scientists jumped into action, trying to figure out how they could get me to float down slowly. I watched as the edge of the panel got closer. Acting on instinct, I trying to claw at the air, only to be reminded of the fact that air was in fact a gas, not a solid.

"I got it!" Perceptor exclaimed.

And suddenly…..I wasn't weightless anymore.

I was fairly sure I was too shocked to scream as I fell. I closed my eyes and thought, If this kills me, I'm going to haunt Perceptor's and Wheeljack's afts for life.

But instead I landed on hard metal with a loud bang. Someone had caught me. (Damn, my back was going to hurt in the morning…..)

I opened one of my eyes to see Wheeljack's relieved faceplates. Opening the other eye, I glared at him. "You so owe me."

I plopped down on the couch in the Rec room with my bag of Cheeto Puffs, sighing. "God, doing stuff like that is so not good for my health."

"What stuff?"

I jumped at Bumblebee's voice. As tired as I was, I hadn't even noticed the yellow and black scout sitting at one of the Transformer tables. "Ummm…. Nothing?"

He snorted, then pointed at the huge flat screen TV mounted on the wall. Playing on it was a video of what had happened with the anti gravity generator. At one part it zoomed in on my face. To put it simple, I looked scared out of my wits.

I glowed darkly at the screen. "Twins?"

"Yep."

"There will be murder." My gaze slid back to my Cheetos. "Later."

Bumblebee laughed and sipped some of his Energon. "May I see the ring?"

I nodded with my mouth full and pulled the silver band off gently and held it out to him as he turned on his holoform. He examined it carefully, moving my outstretched legs and sitting down at the end of the couch. I just put my legs back in his lap.

Bumblebee shot me an irritated glance, but looked back to the ring. After another few moments, he said softly, "It's beautiful."

I nodded, feeling a little proud of it. "Everyone says so."

"It was nice of him." He handed me back the ring and watched as I put it back on my left ring finger. The Camaro paused, then asked, "Do you know what happened to Sam and Mikaela's wedding rings?"

I froze, nearly choking at the unexpected question. Slowly, I shook my head and said quietly, "No."

Bumblebee smiled sadly. "They were melted in the fire."

A lump formed in my throat, and suddenly the Cheetos didn't seem so appealing. "Oh."

/Nicole?/

Barricade. I cleared my throat aloud, then said through the bond, /Yeah?/

/Is something wrong? You feel…..sad./

/No, babe. I'm alright./

/You don't feel like it./

I hesitated, unsure what to say. Then, /When do you get off your shift?/

/45 minutes. Why?/

/How about you meet me in our quarters after that? I'd like to spend some time besides sleep with you./

/I agree. Now that I'm working shifts I won't be able to see you as much./

/So meet me in 45 minutes?/

/Sure. I love you./

/Love you, too, 'Cade./

When my attention returned back to Bumblebee, he was watching me with a knowing look. "Talking over the bond?" When I nodded, he asked, "What's it like? Having the bond?"

Twisted the ring around my finger, I tilted my head thoughtfully. "I don't know how to explain it, really. It's like…..having your mind connected with someone else. You can hear their thoughts, emotions, and share memories if they let you. You can talk through it, too. And you can entirely block them out, if you want. It's the same way with sibling and creator bonds." I looked up to meet the Camaro's gaze. "Why?"

Bumblebee's holoform turned slightly red (Blushing, I realized) and he stammered. "Er, umm….Nothing. Just curious."

"Uh-huh."

"No, really! I am!"

I just nodded, before leaning forward until I was in his personal space. "So, 'Bee, talk to Arcee lately?"

His expression was definitely worth it.

I stirred the coffee slowly, watching the creamer dissolve.

I know what you're thinking. Coffee at 3:15 in the afternoon? Well, past experiences told me that anytime is a good time for a good cup of coffee. It tends to be a major stress reliever, and it was free, so why not?

….Okay, so I did have to break the lock on the break room on the far side of the base that I had just recently discovered. Did it still count as free?

Apparently this coffee was for people from the government visiting the base. Why not let the soldiers have coffee, too? I mean, it get them all hyped up to shoot some 'Cons helms off and alert and-

Wait, caffeine in trigger happy soldiers? Okay, maybe that wasn't such a great idea.

The door to the break room opening brought me out of my coffee musing. I turned, ready to spit out an excuse for being someplace I shouldn't have-

Only to drop my coffee when I saw who it was.

Director Fenner with her I'm-better-than-you-and-you-know-it attitude.

She glared at me. I stared at her. I snapped out of it when she said, "Are you going to clean this mess up or not?"

I shot a heated glare at her but grabbed a paper towel anyways and started to clean it up. The whole time she watched me with icy blue eyes. It took me five paper towels, but when it was done my hands were covered in coffee. I shook my hands through the air, stepping closer to Director Fenner so that drops landed on her spotless dark blue dress suit.

She looked like she had a bad taste in her mouth as she wiped at the spots where the drops had landed. "You do not have authorization to be here."

I stuck my hands in the sink and started to get the coffee off my hands. "Do you see any file cabinets in here labeled 'Top Secret'? Any jars containing weird body parts floating in strange liquids? A big red button labeled 'Do not push'? I didn't think so. It's a break room - with coffee no less. I'm not doing any harm."

"That does not mean you can break into rooms that you are not authorized to be in."

I shut the sink off so I could turn and glare at her. "Look, what's your problem? I haven't done anything. Why do hate me and my sparkmate so much? It's not like I asked for the Decepticons to come and try to kill me or whatever."

Director Fenner's face was suddenly two inches away from mine and she had turned a little red. "But they're still coming, aren't they? They're still attacking the base, endangering American soldiers, the civilians around us, all because of you and their God-forsaken war!"

More than a little shocked, I stepped back until my back hit the counter. She followed me as I walked. "Look, you little immature brat, there are people fighting this war that have families, lives. They're fighting a war that was brought to our world without our permission, and they're dying for it. Since you came here, the Decepticons have only increased their attacks. And your too selfish to move to Diego Garcia, where you are away from civilization, where the Decepticons can't find you. People have made sacrifices bigger than you have. Eight good people died during that last battle. I lost my husband to this war. You think you've done nothing wrong?"

Director Fenner snorted. "You haven't. You've just been selfish."

She continued to glare at me coldly for a few more moments, before walking back the way she came, high heels clicking.

I suddenly felt very cold, and to an empty room, I said, "Eight people died?"

Eight people died, I thought again, and it wasn't a question.

Eight people died.

"Nicole?"

I jumped at Barricade's voice in the dark. Everything was a blur between now and what happened in the break room. When I had finally come to my senses, I was in the quarters Barricade and I shared, crying, with my knees pulled up to my chest in the dark. Director Fenner's words kept repeating in my head. Eight people died. Eight. Did they have families? Did they have spouses? Children? Parents? Siblings?

I don't think I had ever felt so guilty.

Right now, I was laying on the side of the berth closest to the wall, facing it. One of the pillows Bumblebee had given me was under my head and the other I was hugging to my chest. I turned a little so I could see Barricade. "Hey." My voice was hoarse.

His optics lit up the room as he laid down beside me, being careful not to actually squish me. "Your eyes are red. Have you been crying?"

Sighing, I turned back around so I facing the wall. "Yeah."

There was a small rush of air behind me, and Barricade's holoforms arms encircled my waist. "Why?"

My hand wrapped around his own in the dark. "Why didn't anyone tell me?"

"Tell you what?"

"That eight people died during that last battle."

My words must have sounded accusing, because I felt guilt flow from his side of the bond. "We didn't know how you would handle it."

"How I would handle it." I repeated softly, tracing circles on Barricade's hand.

My sparkmate pulled me closer to his holoform's chest and I felt his face press into my hair. "Nicole, we weren't trying to deceive you. We just thought it would be best if you didn't know. We were afraid you'd….."

"Go over the deep end? Go looney? Fall off the edge?" I laughed bitterly. "That happened a long time ago, babe."

"I'm sorry."

I shook my head. "No, don't be. You were just worried about me. It's just….." I trailed off, feeling tears spring up. "I never even thought… I mean, the thought never crossed my mind that…..people died. I'm sorry."

Barricade sighed. "You don't have to be, Nicole. You just entered the war. We've been in it for thousands of years. We're used to bots around us, friends, family dying. We've learned to expect it and deal with it. It's not your fault-"

"Yes, it is!" I snapped. "If I hadn't been here, then, those people wouldn't have died. It's…." I shook my head, closing my eyes and a few tears rolling down my cheeks. "It's all my fault, Barricade."

His holoform hugged me tighter. "Don't say anything else, Nicole. You're just upsetting yourself. Please. I don't like it when you're sad."

I did as he said and didn't say anything else. After a few more minutes of me crying, I turned my whole body around so I could hug Barricade back. I buried my face in his chest, smelling the smell that I associated with the mech I loved.

"Did you know that Director Fenner's husband died fighting the Decepticons?" I asked softly.

Barricade started in surprise, but seemed to think it over before saying, "Then I feel sorry for her. No matter how much she irks me, no one deserves to loose the person or bot they love."

"Yeah, I know." I mumbled into his shirt. "I love you."

"I love you, too." He tilted my face up so he could press a kiss to my lips. "Feel better?"

"I guess."

In the dark, I could see him smile. "Good." He hugged me to his chest, sighing.

I pondered whether to ask the question I had in mind and ruin the moment or not. In the end, my curiosity won out. "Barricade, do you wish the war had never happened?"

"No." He said instantly. "Because of this war, I have you. So, no, I don't wish it had never happened. I'm very glad. Sometime I'll have to thank Megatron for starting the war. I'm not proud of the…..things I've done to get here, but I don't regret meeting you." He paused. "I don't regret running over you."

I laughed. Again Barricade smiled. "There's the smile I missed."

I did smile, and ran my hands over his chest, feeling the muscle of his holoform beneath his shirt. "I wish everyone else knew this side of you."

"What side?"

"The loving, caring, gentle side. The side I fell in love with."

"Oh. That side." His forehead rested against mine. "That side is for your eyes only."

I reached up and brushed some of his hair out of his eyes. "I promised you something. You promise me something."

"Anything."

I took a deep breath and said, "Promise to love me forever, no matter what I do. No matter how many times I push you away, get mad at you, piss you off, cuss you out, promise you'll keep loving me."

Barricade reached up and brushed his hand across my cheek. "Always, Nicole. Today, tomorrow, forever, I will love you."

I couldn't help but wonder if he would still love me after I died.

Director Fenner was right. I was selfish. I was selfish for making him promise that.

But at the moment, I couldn't bring myself to care.

Okay, so the Me's took a hike for today. So it's just me.

Sorry it took so long to get this out. But the end of school is hectic, I've been really tired the whole time, and people have been dragging me everywhere.

But school's out! So updates should be quicker, but that's only if I have the time.

Attention: I have come up with the idea of having a drawing contest for Nicole. I can't draw worth a flip, but I've really wanted a photo of my OC because I love her so much. So all you talented readers out there can give it a shot, and I'll pick the one I think is the closest to what Nicole looks like. The deadline is July 1. Send it to me via email, or on Deviant Art .com. I'll put my email on my profile.

Remember, Nicole has long black hair and hazel eyes.

Reviews make me type faster! Tell me in a review if you want to participate. Reviews are fuel!

NEXT CHAPTER: After doing what she thinks is necessary, Nicole is forced to set into motion what the AllSpark showed her during that last battle, knowing there's no turning back.