Look ma! I updated!

"Sometimes, all you can do is laugh to keep yourself from crying."

~Unknown

Barricade POV

Please, Primus, let it all be a dream. A stupid, fantasy dream. Let Nicole be by my side when I wake up. Let her be living, breathing, alive. Let her tease me about it later, saying something that's too stupidly confident and arrogant about how she's never leaving. Please let it all be a dream and nothing more.

But as I booted up and opened my optics to see Taylor's red-rimmed, blue eyes, and not Nicole's beautiful hazel, I knew it wasn't a dream.

I had seen Nicole. I had held her, kissed her, spoke to her…

But she was still dead. She had just been part of a dream.

I shut my optics as the pain in my spark returned full force. Primus, it hurt…

"'Cade?" Taylor asked hesitantly.

Forcing my optics open, I looked up at the blonde sitting on my chestplates looking down at me. "How long was I out?"

She sniffed, wiping at her face. "About seven hours. Ratchet said to let you sleep as long as you needed."

At the mention of the medic's name, memories of just what I had been doing in recharge surfaced. And so did my plan to bring my Nicole back.

"Taylor, where is Ratchet?"

Nicole POV

Have you ever felt just…numb? No happiness, sadness, pain, feeling, anything. Just…numb.

That's about how I felt right now.

I stared blankly at the table, frozen. I had just been given what was possibly the best news I could get right now, and I felt nothing. My heart wasn't beating, but I should have at least felt something, for Primus' sake, but all I felt was the blank numbness. I guess even in the afterlife you can feel shock.

Ever since the AllSpark had showed me my death, I had prepared myself for the end. Hope was something I had given up on a long time ago. I had forgotten all about it, considering it impossible. I had been resigned to my fate. I had prepared to die, did actually die, and woken up in the Matrix, only to be told that there was a way I could be alive again and I had hope.

"So…I really could…live again?" I asked, my voice so small it scared me.

Primus smiled softly, nodding. "Yes, Nicole, you could."

I am many things. Impulsive, negative, a smartass at times, really fragging stupid sometimes, and a bunch of other things.

But I am not rational.

Before my brain could catch up with what I was doing, I had jumped across the table and bashed my fist against Primus' helm. "What the hell, mech? That- You said- I- Arghh!". Unable to put my jumbled thoughts into words, I slammed my fist on the table. "Dammit!"

The tri-colored deity just looked stunned. "You hit me."

"No slagging duh, Captain Obvious!" I snapped. "Fraggit! What's with not telling me I'd be revived?"

"I can't do everything," Primus said, sounding almost miffed.

"You? Do everything?" I stared at him disbelievingly, "Dude, you aren't the one that died."

The AllSpark made a sound that sounded like a sigh. Nicole, I couldn't tell you because if you knew, things wouldn't have gone as they did.

I squeezed my eyes shut, suddenly having a bad taste in my mouth. "Oh, sorry, I forgot. There's a schedule to everything." Sighing heavily, I opened my eyes and held my hands up. "Look, I just….need a moment. Or two." Almost desperately, I pushed my way out of the booth. I just needed to be alone.

As I weaved through the crowd, I bumped into various dancing couples. One time I hit a particularly hard shoulder. And when I say hard, I mean rock hard. "Sorry-"

The apology died in my throat.

"Sunny?"

There, slowly dancing to the music, was the so-vain-it-was-OCD Sunstreaker with Taylor.

Taylor was smiling, with her eyes closed, and laying her head on Sunny's chestplates as they danced to the music. Even Sunny was smiling a little. And they were the same size, like Barricade had been my size when he was here.

My first reaction was panic. If they were here, didn't that mean they were dead?

I stepped up to the both of them and snapped my fingers in Taylor's face. "Uh, hello? Taylor? Sunny? Are you alright?"

I might as well not have said anything. They just kept right on dancing, not even acknowledging me.

Panic rising, I went as far as to smack Sunstreaker on the back of the helm, knowing that he'd have to react to that.

My hand went right through his helm.

I made a noise that was somewhere between a choke and a scream. Because that was not supposed to happen.

Then I felt the hand on my shoulder. I turned to see Primus smiling at me. "It's not the real thing, Nicole. Merely an illusion from your soul. This is your version of the Matrix."

I released a shaky breath. "Oh. Good."

Looking around, I realized I recognized more of the couples in the room. Sides and Willow, Jazz and Prowl, Bumblebee and Arcee, Optimus and Elita-One… I started counting off the number of bots and people I knew. Lennox, Epps, Leo, Simmons, Darla from the hospital…

As I counted, tears came to my eyes. Everyone I knew, everyone that I had given a damn about, was here. All of them. (At the back of my mind, I noted that there were a lot more bots and humans than I thought I had cared about.)

Frag. It made me want to cry.

Moving slower through the crowd now, my mind turned back to what Primus had said. I could live again…and see all of these bots and humans again. I could see my family. My Barricade. If it was possible to have headaches in the afterlife, I'd probably have the migraine of the century right now. It was just so slagging hard to wrap my mind around it all.

I should have been happy. No, scratch that. I was happy, I just was finding it hard to believe. Very hard.

I wondered if Jazz had felt this was when I was about to resurrect him.

By now I had broken free of the crowd and made my way over to the bar on the other side of the room. With a small sigh, I plopped down on a bar stool and put my head in my hands. Sometimes, my life was really messed up.

…Okay, so scratch that, too. It was messed up all the time.

Suddenly there was an arm around my shoulders. "Hey, babygirl." Came the soft whisper.

If I had been breathing, my breath would have caught in my throat. Startled and more than a little afraid, I looked up. "Dad?"

Sam Witwicky put a small kiss to my forehead. "The one and only."

I felt a hand caress my cheek. My gaze shifted to land Mikaela Witwicky, or better known to me as Mom. "How are you, sweetheart?"

I just sat there staring at them with my mouth open, at a loss for words. So I said the first thing that came to mind. "Umm… I'm dead, if that says anything."

Both of them laughed, and like a spell had just been broken, I was suddenly that little eight year old girl again, one that had a mom and dad and needed them very much. Sobbing, I latched onto both of them like my existence depended on it. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I told myself that I shouldn't be crying like a little girl, but a greater part of my mind didn't care, because that's just what I felt like right now.

A little girl that missed her parents.

Somehow, we ended up sitting in a booth in the corner that was designed for eight people, so it curved. I got sandwiched between them, but I didn't care. I finally got my emotions under control and managed to tone down the waterfall of tears to just one or two. And I just stared at them.

They didn't look a day older than the day they died.

Wiping away my tears, I looked into each of their eyes. "Are you….real? Or just something I'm imagining as my version of the Matrix?"

Mom smiled. "No, we're very much real."

Dad reached up and pushed a strand of my hair behind my ear. "Our babygirl," he said with a smile, "This is our babygirl, all grown up and beautiful. She looks just like you, 'Kaela."

"But she has your eyes."

I opened my mouth, then shut it, then opened it again, before shutting it. What do you say to your dead parents that you haven't seen in over a decade?

So my brain settled for something. "I'm dead," I said flatly.

Both of them frowned and glanced at each other before looking back to me. "Yeah, we know," Dad said, looking down, "we saw it happen."

"All of it," Mom added, with tears in her eyes. "We've been watching over you ever since we died, Nicole. You weren't ever alone."

I nodded slowly. "So you know about…me being the Host and-"

"Barricade?" My dad finished with a small snort. "Yeah, we know. I don't like him."

"Sam!" Mom snapped, reaching across to smack him on the side of his head. "Don't even start!"

"But, Mikaela, he kicked me onto a car under that overpass! And he's who-knows-how-many-years older than her!"

"That was when he was still a Decepticon, before we were even together! Stop holding a grudge! And in Earth years he's only a year or two older than Nicole!"

"You'd hold a grudge if he kicked you, too! It hurts like hell!"

Mom rolled her eyes before looking at me with a smile. "Your father's just mad that Barricade didn't ask before bonding to you."

"I am not!"

"Umm," I muttered, blushing, "It was sorta accidental and my fault anyways."

Mom shot a smug look at Dad.

A new question came up and I looked at Dad. "Since you had the AllSpark's memories, did you know that I was the Host?"

He looked away, shrugging a little. "I knew something about you was different after we put the AllSpark necklace on you, but I didn't know what. If we had known that all of this would happen because of that, we would've taken our chances with chemo."

I shook my head. "I'm glad you didn't. This was the way things were supposed to happen. If you hadn't, I never would have met Barricade." I smiled a little. "I always wondered what it would feel like to have someone love me the way you two love each other. Now I know."

Dad wrapped his arms around me, hugging me tightly. "We're just glad you're happy, babygirl. You turned out just the way we would have wanted you to."

I pulled Mom into the hug and squeezed them both. "I did?"

"Yes," Mom said into my ear. "We're so proud of you."

"Though we could do without the cuss words." Dad muttered.

Mom's arm, the one that was around Dad, smacked him on the back of head again.

I laughed, enjoying what I had been missing ever since the day Megatron took my parents from me.

"Hey," I asked suddenly, pulling back so I could look at both of them, "If I can be brought back, can the both of you?"

Both of them glanced at each other again before looking at me sadly. Mom shook her head. "No, Nicole, we can't. This was our destiny. Yours is to become the new AllSpark."

I felt twinge of disappointment, but I had been expecting such an answer. Switching subjects, I asked, "How is that going to work anyways?"

Dad smiled. "Well, he could explain it better than we could." And then he nodded to the dance floor, where Primus was standing with a small smile on his faceplates, servos clasped behind him like he was waiting for me.

A small sliver of dread worked it's way into my heart at the thought of leaving my parents again. I looked back to the both of them. "Do you have to leave now?"

Both of them nodded. "But remember," Dad said, cupping my face in his hands and brushing his thumb over a tear that I didn't even know was there, "we'll always be there, watching over you, 'kay, Nicki?"

I smiled, sniffling. "You've been listening to Jazz too much."

Mom laughed, her own tears in her eyes. "Tell Prowl he has our thanks for watching over you."

"I will."

"Now close your eyes, sweetheart," she whispered as they both hugged me.

I did as she said, tears falling freely now. I felt two kisses pressed against my forehead.

"Barricade's a good mech, Nicole," Dad whispered. His voice was fainter than before. "Hold him close."

"I knew you liked him." Mom teased playfully.

"Never said that."

I laughed a little, eyes still closed and wrapped up in their arms still. "I love you."

"We love you, too, babygirl," They said together, voices barely a whisper. "Goodbye."

The feeling of theirs arms around me faded, along with their presence. I squeezed my eyes shut, biting my lip hard enough to make it bleed, but I felt no pain or blood. After a few moments of recollecting myself, I wiped my face and looked up into the faceplates of Primus. "I'm ready."

"So, are you going to tell me how this works?" I asked Primus as we sat back down in the booth.

"Yes. As Barricade said, a new body will be built for you-"

"So I'll be Cybertronian?"

Primus shrugged, the gold, silver, and white paint job shimmering in the dim light. "Not exactly. You will be made like a Cybertronian femme, but since you are not originating from Cybertron, you will not be Cybertronian. Second, your frame will be small."

I put my elbows on the table, trying to focus on what he saying and not on my encounter with my parents. "How small?"

"As small as you were when you died."

I frowned. "Why that small?"

"Because Barricade's spark doesn't contain enough AllSpark energy to make a normal-sized spark and because Ratchet will think that he is building a sparkling body."

"Sparkling-"

Primus gave me a look that pretty much said 'I know more than you, so shut up and listen'. "I am not talking to Ratchet, Nicole. I am talking to you."

I squirmed, mostly because the more I knew about this the more nervous I got. "Well, what about Barricade?"

"Barricade just knows that you're going to have a new body. He doesn't know that it's not going to need a second or third frame."

"This…is getting more confusing by the second."

"Personally, I think it's all really simple."

"Yeah, well, you're you. I'm me. Big difference." I sighed, knowing that if I was alive, I'd have a headache. "So how exactly is Barricade going to form the- I mean, my, new spark? Is it going to be some miracle of you and a new spark just randomly appear in his spark chamber?"

Primus leaned forward, clasping his servos on the table. "Do you remember the ring Barricade gave you?"

"Of course. Why?"

"It contains a small amount of AllSpark energy."

"What? How?"

"Ever since you put it on, it has contained excess AllSpark energy. It did the same thing that your necklace did. Think of it as a reserve for emergencies. You put your necklace in Barricade's spark chamber, and it channeled the AllSpark energy into his spark. The ring with be put in your spark chamber, and when Barricade connects his spark to your spark chamber, it will form into a spark. Your spark, Nicole."

With a small groan, I put my face in my hands, trying to absorb it all. That wasn't really working out for me. Finally, I lifted my head up and stared at Primus. "Okay, let's see if I understand this. Ratchet will build me a new body, thinking it's going to be a sparkling. Barricade is going to put the ring in my spark chamber and connect to it. It will form a new spark, which will be me."

Primus nodded as I finished each sentence.

"Okay… So what will I transform into? An X-box? Please don't say X-box."

The white-opticed mech smiled. "Nothing."

"Nothin-" I stopped short. "Wait, what?"

"You will not transform into anything."

"How is that even possible?"

"Alice didn't transform."

"Yeah, but she changed forms. Are you saying I'm going to be a Pretender?"

Primus hesitated, as if he was looking for a way to explain it. "Not exactly. See, your holoform, which will look like you when you were alive, will cover your frame. For other Transformers, the default setting is no holoform. For you, the default will be your holoform. So you will look like a human on the outside, but under your holoform will be your frame. If you want to turn off the holoform, you will have to forcefully keep it off, like a regular Transformer would have to keep a holoform on."

I stared at him for a moment, before saying, "So it'll be like wearing a skin?"

"Yes."

I nodded. "Good, because I don't think I'd be able to handle looking in a mirror and not seeing me."

The deity smiled. "That is all. Questions?"

"One. Will I have everything that the other bots have? Like, guns and a comm. link?"

"Yes."

This time I smiled. "Finally I can shoot someone!"

Primus chuckled a little, but got serious once again. "Now, I have one question for you, Nicole."

"What's that?"

"Do you know how long it takes to build a protoform?"

I frowned, knowing that if I had had the AllSpark knowledge, I would've been able to answer immediately. But I didn't. So I simply said, "No."

"In Earth time, three months."

A little stunned, I blinked. "That's a long time."

"It may seem long to you, but that's only because you want it to happen faster. Now, this is my question: Do you wish to stay here, or return to the living world?"

"What? I thought you said I already was-"

"I said you were going to live again. But if you want, you can return to the living world until the time for you to live again comes. No one will see you or hear you. When the protoform is finished, you will return here to be born again."

"So I'll be a ghost."

It was more of a statement than a question, but Primus nodded anyways. "Exactly."

Without even needing to think it over, I nodded. "I want to return."

Primus looked me straight in the eye, like he was searching for something. "Are you sure? It will be a lonely three months without being able to talk to any one."

I sighed a little. "Look, no offense or anything, but that's pretty much how it is here. The only beings I can talk to here is you and the AllSpark, and I just wouldn't know what to talk to you about. At least I can see how my family is. How Barricade is. I'm sure I want to return."

The tri-colored mech nodded, smiling a little. "Somehow I knew you would choose that." He scooted out of the booth, holding a servo out to me. I took it, feeling butterflies in my stomach as he walked me to the door that we had first came through to get to the club atmosphere. Such a simple wooden door, and yet through it I was going to be launched back in the living world.

As I stared up at the door, my hand unconsciously clenched around Primus' servo. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the deity smile. "Nervous?"

"Yes. Yes I am." I said bluntly. "Will it hurt?"

"That," he said as he leaned forward to grasp the doorknob, "depends on where you land. Goodbye for now, Nicole. This will be the last time I see you."

Where I- Nevermind. I smiled a little at his faceplates, feeling almost…sad. "Thank you, for- well, everything."

"I aim to please." Primus said with a wide grin. "I wish you the best in your new life, child. Goodbye."

And with a final squeeze to my hand, Primus opened the door.

Immediately, I felt a tugging sensation on my whole body. The room around me vanished, along with Primus and every other being in it. Replacing it was a bright white light. I shut my eyes, feeling light as the tugging sensation pulled me…somewhere.

Suddenly I grew heavier, and before I realized it, I was dropping.

My eyes flew open as I dropped, a scream never making it out of my throat. Things were blurring into colors, objects going by too fast to identify.

And then it stopped.

Just…stopped.

I sucked in a breath of air. Living world air, I reminded myself. Sitting up, I looked around. Primus must've been yanking my chain when he said it would hurt depending on where I landed, because I had landed on one of Ratchet's medical berths, which were made of steel.

My next thought was, Why the frag did I land Ratchet's Med Bay?

Then I saw exactly who was in the Med Bay.

"….please, Ratchet! You have to believe me! I saw Nicole, I swear, and I know how to bring her back!"

There my beautiful Barricade was, all but on his knees and begging Ratchet. The sight did more than make me sad; it tore a hole the size of Cybertron in my heart. The other occupants of the room were Jazz and Prowl. Prowl's frame was upright, doorwings in a tight V-shape. Jazz was the exact opposite, shoulders sagging and paint dull.

All of them had the same thing in common: that hollow, grieving look on their faceplates. The very one I had seen every time I looked in a mirror after my parents' deaths.

My jaw clenched as I held back angry tears. This was all my fault. The sadness and grief hanging in the air was my fault, because I was dead.

That was going to change soon, a voice in my head reminded me.

Ratchet looked torn, not knowing what to say to the Mustang in front of him. "Barricade, I-"

"Ratchet," Barricade interrupted, optics bright, "you have to believe me. I saw Nicole in my dreams, and I know how to bring her back!"

"Barricade," Prowl said coldly, voice devoid of emotion, "Nicole is dead. You cannot bring her back, as much as we- You, want to."

My mate flinched at 'dead', but seemingly ignored the SIC. "Please, I can't just let this go! Not when there's a chance, no matter how slim it fragging is!"

I could see plain and clear that no one in the room believed him. A small seed of panic planted itself in my soul. They weren't going to believe Barricade. The protoform wouldn't be built. I would stay dead-

"Ratch," a scratchy voice spoke up. All optics turned to Jazz, whose visor was flaring brightly. "We gotta at least try."

Nearly everyone looked at him in surprise, but most of all was Prowl.

The silence seemed loud to me, but maybe that was because I was only focused on what happened next. Ratchet looked thoroughly disturbed, but said in a gruff voice, "And just how would we even start? We don't have another AllSpark shard, or empty frame-"

"That's what I've been trying to tell you!" Barricade snapped. "Ratchet, you would build a protoform. I have AllSpark energy in my spark from when Nicole drained the AllSpark energy to save me. And with my memories of Nicole, it should be enough to generate her own spark."

"But you are not carrying, Barricade. You cannot generate a spark out of nothing," Prowl said in voice devoid of emotion, purposely ignoring the look Jazz shot him.

"I-" For the first time since I had dropped in, the Mustang faltered. Shutting his optics off briefly, he said with a shaky voice, "I've thought about that. Nicole used her shard of the AllSpark to channel energy into my spark. At the party, I gave her a silver ring. If the ring contains even a little bit of AllSpark energy, it should be enough to light a spark. I could strengthen that with my own energy."

The only noise in the room was the whirring of systems and blow of intakes. "It… It could work," Ratchet admitted reluctantly. I heard a small whine of a new program powering up. The medic's optics turned towards where my body lay, running scans.

I didn't have the ability to transwarp here, but I could apparently will myself to be anywhere I wanted. In the blink of an eye, I was kneeling by my own corpse.

If I told you it wasn't disturbing to look at my own body, I'd be lying.

My lips were blue, my skin pale, and…well, over all, I just looked dead. Taylor or Willow or maybe both, had cleaned my wounds and redressed me in a white dress that looked very much like the one I had been wearing in the Matrix. And on my left ring finger, the little silver ring sparkled with AllSpark energy that only I could see.

Ratchet's ventilations hitched, pulling me from my own world. "Un-fragging-believable. The ring contains more than enough to make a spark." He turned to look at Barricade. "It…would be possible to revive Nicole, but the chances are nearly one in a billion."

The Mustang looked up to the ceiling, smiling. "I don't care. It's a chance, and I'll take it."

I followed Prowl and Jazz to their quarters. Neither of them said anything, but the tension was there, hanging in the air.

As soon as the doors to their quarters slid shut, they started arguing. Jazz said that they had a chance to bring me back, so they should take it. Prowl argued that it was nearly impossible, the chances were close to nil, and that it was just a waste of time and resources.

But I knew what the SIC was really thinking. He didn't want to take a chance so small, didn't want to build up his hopes, only to have them squashed at the last minute. He didn't want to feel worse than he was now. He didn't want to have to feel the disappointment and pain of just another thing that wasn't true.

Jazz knew this, but with tensions so high, he wasn't in an understanding mood and neither was Prowl. The argument ended with the saboteur storming out, leaving Prowl with his own dark thoughts and doubts and me with my head in my hands, feeling a thousand times worse.

When I returned to the Med Bay, Ratchet was gone, probably to tell Optimus and Bumblebee about the most recent development. Barricade had returned to the private operating room, no doubt trying to get away from the rest of the world. For a long time he just sat on the medical berth, optics closed and saying nothing.

Around noon, he finally moved. I followed him to the main part of the Med Bay and to the berth that my body lay. It still unnerved me to look at my body, so lifeless and pale, but I pushed that to the back of my mind.

Barricade's holoform appeared next to my dead body, kneeling. Sighing, he gently picked up my limp hand and started rubbing circles on the back of it, something he had done before I knew he was a Transformer. "Nicole…"

"Barricade," I nearly whispered, watching the face that I loved more than life.

The Mustang's holoform sighed deeper, looking depressed. "Never did I think I'd be in this situation."

"That makes two of us," I muttered.

Barricade's eyes closed, a brief flash of pain crossing his handsome features. "I never thought I'd have to see your funeral." Suddenly he laughed, making me jump. "Then again, I never thought I'd get this close to you. I never thought I'd fall in love."

I bit my lip, wishing so badly that my mate could see me. "I didn't either."

He opened his eyes, and the bright cerulean eyes were filled with tears. Wordlessly, he lifted my hand to his mouth, placing a small kiss to it. "I'm so sorry all of this happened, Nicole. But I swear, I'm going to fix it all, even if you're brought back as a sparkling. I'm going to fix this all." Barricade leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss on my cold blue lips.

And for the briefest of seconds, I thought I felt it for real.

Barricade was leaving.

Plain and simple, he was leaving the base until the protoform was finished. I had been there when he told Optimus, Ratchet, and Bumblebee in the Autobot leader's office. After a brief argument with Ratchet and Bumblebee about it, Optimus officially put the Mustang on leave, therefore giving him permission to leave base.

Ratchet was still mad about it as he, Barricade, and Bumblebee walked across base to a closet full of different things, from spare blasters to small, easy-to-carry first aid kits. The medic pretty much shoved a portable Energon converter in Barricade's servos and told him to keep his aft out of trouble.

Part of me was shocked that Barricade was leaving, but another part of me had been expecting it. I know that if the positions had been switched, I would have done the same thing.

Bumblebee said nothing as he and Barricade made their way to the front of the base. The hangar door was open, and the afternoon sun stretched across the barren land surrounding the base. They stopped right in the open hangar doorway. My mate stared out at the landscape blankly, sighing a little.

Bumblebee's optics darted from the outside to Barricade's faceplates a few times before asking quietly, "Why are you leaving?"

The black and white mech looked at the yellow and black scout before looking out again. "Why did you leave after Sam and Mikaela died?"

Bumblebee openly flinched, but answered, "Because…everything here reminded me of them."

Barricade nodded. "Exactly."

"When will you come back?"

"Whenever you comm. me and tell me the protoform is finished."

"And where will you go?"

For the first time since he had announced that he was leaving, Barricade's look faltered to be replaced by uncertainty. "Honestly, I don't have a clue."

Bumblebee smiled, but it was small. "In the years that I was gone, I met a girl, and it's been a while since I talked to her…"

Later, as we drove away from the base, I materialized in Barricade's passenger seat since his holoform was in the driver's seat and turned around to watch the base grow smaller and smaller. Finally, my home, the one I had been missing all these years, disappeared from sight. I didn't realize I was crying until I turned face forward and felt the wetness on my cheeks.

I don't know if it was because I was a ghost, or just because I was so caught up in my own thoughts, but by the time I looked outside and managed to register something about the landscape, I realized that we were on an interstate and it was dark. Apparently I wasn't the only one who realized it was dark as Barricade pulled off the interstate onto a service road. After a few minutes of driving on the service road, we came to a dirt road that reminded me too much of my first date with Barricade. The Mustang turned onto the deserted dirt road.

After an all too short fifteen minutes of driving on the dusty road, it stopped at a river that had at one time been a frequented campsite. Now, weeds stretched to nearly my height and covered the once-used fire pit. Trees had moss and vines hanging from them. I was so caught up in the look of the abandoned campsite that I nearly didn't hear Barricade trigger his transformation sequence.

Acting on instinct, I literally pushed my way through the door. With a small grunt, I landed in the grass, but the grass went through me.

…Which was really disturbing on so many levels, but I ignored that.

Instead, I was more focused on what had just happened. Which would be me going through Barricade's door. Like a ghost going through a fragging wall.

How stereotypical, I thought.

And there went the last bit of my sanity as I burst into laughter on the ground.

This wasn't the little quiet laugh that a normal person might use at a funny joke. This was full-blown, no-restraint, beyond-hilarious laughter. I was nearly sure that Barricade could hear me because it was so loud. Big, shrieking laughter that I hadn't had in a very long time.

I don't know why I was laughing so hard. Really, the fact that I could walk through solid objects shouldn't have been that funny and not at all surprising, but for some reason I was laughing. Maybe because I just wanted something to laugh at since there was all the reason in the world to break down and start crying.

I finally calmed down and laid on the ground, staring at the pieces of grass sticking up through where my stomach would be with a slightly-insane grin on my face. That stopped when I noticed that Barricade was no where to be seen.

A small inkling of panic wormed it's way in my soul. If I didn't know where he was, I couldn't be with him. And without him, I'd be all alone. Loneliness meant further insanity and dark thoughts.

I got up and looked around for a moment before smiling in relief. Of course a giant robot would leave tracks in the grass. So just follow the path of crushed plants.

I didn't have to go far. Soon, the path came to a pebbled part of the riverbank. Barricade had already made himself a cube of Energon from the Energon converter during my laughing fit. Said cube sat untouched on the ground, the soft blue glow giving the appearance of a lantern.

And Barricade was just staring at it.

If there was ever a time to smack my bondmate on the helm, now would be it.

As if sensing my thoughts, the Mustang picked up the cube and brought it to his mouth slowly, as if he wasn't sure whether or not to drink it. Then, cautiously, he took the smallest of sips.

And as I watched Barricade finish his cube, I knew that we'd get through the next few months, no matter how hard they'd be.

The stars here were amazing.

I'd never taken the opportunity to really study them after my parents died. Dad had taught me the basic constellations. Now, as I leaned against Barricade's recharging form on the riverbank, time seemed to stop. I had the chance to sit back and just look.

The writer of the Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star song wasn't kidding when they wrote the stars twinkled. The tiny dots of light almost seemed as if they were winking at me. This would have been one of those moments that I would have remembered forever if it was under different circumstances.

Circumstances such as me not being dead. Family with me. And Barricade, happy, and us in each others arms.

But I learned a long time ago that you can't order life specifically like a slagging pizza. You get what you get and work with it.

Sitting in this little piece of limbo somewhere in Nevada with the other half of my spark recharging behind me and the stars winking at me, I came to a conclusion.

I was going to take my second chance at life and make something of it. I didn't know what, I just knew I would. There would be ups and downs – there always was – but I would have my family, friends, and Barricade.

And if I had those three things, then I'm pretty sure I could take what the universe threw at me.

That was how the next few weeks went.

Drive for who-knows-how-many hours, stop, refuel, recharge, wake up and drive for hours again. Repeat. Over and over, every day.

It was…hard.

For both me and Barricade. I had no one but the voices in my head to talk to, and I usually avoided that because the fact that I could even hear them while I was dead freaked me out. They had bothered me in real life, and they followed me to the grave. Pretty much the only thing I was doing was existing. I didn't eat, drink, or sleep, because I didn't need to, so I couldn't. Sometimes, though, when Barricade was recharging, I would lay on his chestplates, right above his spark, and close my eyes. A few times I actually convinced myself that I was asleep. When I couldn't trick myself into thinking it, I just sat there and listened to the beautiful music of Barricade's pulsing spark, healthy and bright.

Barricade spiraled deeper and deeper into a depression. Even though I couldn't feel his emotions through a bond or talk to him, I just knew. I had known this mech for four years, fallen in love with him, and had my fair share of ordeals with him. I could read his body language. He did the same things as a mech that he did during the time I knew him as a holoform. Subtle things clued me in on it. Subtle, but they were there. Barricade stopped refueling a few times, and those were the times that I screamed my head off at him, hoping that he might just hear how much he was scaring me and refuel. I tried throwing things at him, but that just reminded me that, 'Oh, wait, I'm dead, so I can't pick anything up'. Eventually, he would refuel again, but I was always watching and waiting for when he'd stop again.

Another thing was before he recharged. Barricade's cerulean optics would glow just a tad brighter than ever. And when he woke from recharge…he looked disappointed. It took me a few days, but I realized that he was hoping that he would see me in his recharge. I thought I had felt bad before. That hurt just as bad as when I cut the bond. The fact that I couldn't help my mate struck me hard. I couldn't give him what he wanted, what he expected, and it was killing me even in death.

Never in my life have I heard Barricade pray. Not until this little trip happened. He had never given any indication that he prayed, or that he even believed in Primus. The Mustang sure did now. He would pray, sometimes whispering out loud, to Primus and ask that everyone on base be safe, that the protoform would be finished without any hitches, and that my resurrection go smoothly.

And then he would pray to me.

Barricade would say anything and everything while he prayed to me. How I was, how he was, how he missed me, how he was going to bring me back, and most of all, how much he loved me.

These were the times that I heard things the clearest, clearer than I ever had. Even when he wasn't talking out loud I would hear the mech, and wish more than ever I could say something back.

Occasionally, I would check back in at base, just to make sure everyone was okay. There was a somber feel to the air. Everyone was working extra hard. Jazz and Prowl were still at odds with each other, and I doubted the two had slept in the same berth since Barricade left. The Decepticons had moved to a new base, from what I gathered. The twins weren't playing pranks. Taylor and Willow dealt with their grief through late night slumber parties and wine (well, for Taylor anyways; Willow had a strong dislike for any kind of alcohol).

They had kept the information of my resurrection between Jazz, Prowl, Optimus, Bumblebee, and Ratchet. I debated with myself whether or not this was a good idea, and eventually came to the conclusion it was for the best. No one questioned or objected to the fact that Barricade had left out of the blue with no reason. I think they were all wishing they could, too.

I watched my own funeral, too. A day and a half after Barricade had left, my body had been placed in a coffin made of oak. I looked almost exactly like I had in the Matrix, white dress and all.

Have you ever watched your own funeral? It's disturbing.

The government pulled some strings so that anyone on their way to the graveyard would be redirected before they could get there and see the few giant robots and people standing around a few tombstones. I'm guessing that Lennox and Optimus argued with the government pretty hard if they could get them to do that. Only a few select bots actually came to the graveyard. Everyone else had to stay at base and watch via live feed from a video camera.

I kept wanting to object as my coffin was lowered in the ground. I wanted to say, 'Hey! I'm here! I'm alive!'

I wanted to wake up from this nightmare and be alive.

But I wasn't.

I could hear people and bots alike crying. But I didn't look up to see who it was. I was too afraid. I didn't want to see people and bots who I had cared about so much hurting because I had died.

I didn't stay to listen to any speeches. That would have been too much. Instead, I returned to Barricade's current pit stop where he was recharging and curled up next to him, feeling cold and numb and wishing selfishly that my mate could comfort me.

During the time that Barricade had left, he had not been driving aimlessly. Bumblebee had told him about a girl, Jackie McAlister, that he had met in Colorado. He didn't say it out loud, but you could tell that the Camaro wanted the black and white mech to visit her. The Mustang got the hint and set out for a small town somewhere in Colorado.

It took us longer than it should have because Barricade wasn't in any hurry to get there, but after a month and a half, we made it. It was around 3:30 in the afternoon when we pulled up in front of a two-story house that looked like it belonged to a normal family with a normal life.

I think Barricade was debating with himself on what to do; go up to the house as his holoform, or wait for Jackie to get home from her high school.

His decision was made for him as a dark-haired girl turned the corner, head bobbing to her iPod. She looked up, saw the Mustang parked in front of her house, and stopped. By this time, Barricade had turned on his holoform and was watching her in his rear view mirror.

Jackie cautiously took a few steps forward, eyeing Barricade's alt mode suspiciously. As she got closer, I was shocked at how familiar she looked.

It took me a moment, but I realized that she reminded me of, well, me. The younger, teenage me. The only big difference was her bright blue eyes, freckles across her pale cheeks, and slightly taller height.

Jackie stopped right beside the tinted passenger window, peering inside. She didn't see me sitting in the passenger seat, but I saw her, and it was creepy. Behind me, Barricade's holoform took a deep breath. I turned around to see his face clearly, and by the way he was clenching and unclenching his fists, apparently he noticed the similarity, too.

And not for the first time, I wondered if this was actually a good idea.

A sudden sharp knocking made me jump so bad I nearly went through the floor of 'Cade's alt mode. Jackie was still trying to see through the tinted glass, one ear bud hanging out of her ear now. "You in the car. What do you want?" she said loudly.

Barricade rolled down the window. Slowly. "Are you Jackie McAlister?"

Jackie squinted in the afternoon, suspicion barely concealed. "I don't know. Why are you asking?"

I laughed out loud at the expression on Barricade's face. "Um…"

What an intelligent and wonderful response there, bondmate o' mine.

"Bumblebee sent me."

Ah, there we go. Something better.

The reaction was instantaneous. Jackie visibly jerked, her eyes going wide. For a few seconds, she just stared at Barricade's holoform, opening and closing her mouth like a fish. Then, "Hold on a sec."

She took off towards her house. For a moment I thought she was going to get her parents, but after a few minutes she came running back out pulling on a jacket and nearly tripping over her own feet. I had barely scrambled into the back seat before Jackie opened the door and plopped in the passenger seat.

For a moment there was silence. Then Jackie gave Barricade an incredulous look. "Well, what are you waiting for? Drive!"

Five minutes later, we were cruising through the town that Jackie lived in. I couldn't help but feel a little ticked off that I'd been kicked out of my own seat, the one that I had sat in so much when I was alive that it should have had my name on it.

But there wasn't anything I could do about, so I stopped the feelings and listened to what was being said.

"So, you know Bumblebee?"

Barricade's holoform nodded, looking slightly uncomfortable.

"Why didn't he come instead? Oh, and do you have a name?"

My mate sighed, looking far away. "My name's Barricade. And I think I should start out at the beginning."

Jackie studied him, unconsciously picking at black-painted fingernails. "And where would that be?"

"On a different planet than this, one far away, called Cybertron…"

READ THIS!

Okay….So I have some explaining to do.

Let's do this in segments, because it's easier to explain that way:

1: I know it was a long update time. But school frankly hates me. A lot.

2: The computer I was using crashed literally two days after I published the last chap, so that meant NO writing, at all. But then I went to Best Buy and got a new one! So new PC, peoplz! Yay!

3: This story is not finished. There is still maybe ONE or TWO chaps left. Depends on how much I write for the next one…

4: Don't make me regret posting this chap now. I had planned on writing a little more and ending it different, but I wanted to badly post something since it's been so long, and I figured that I might as well go ahead 'cause the next chap will take me so long. So…don't make me regret it.

5: I have a new poll: How old do you think I am? I'm not going to tell you, but I'm curious about how old you think I am. (Silverfire, you do not count, seeing as I already told you. ;D)

6: I have a headache. Ow. Stupid fragging genes...

7: I now have a link to my LiveJournal journal on my profile. So if you want any updates on the Life series or just how my daily life is, just go there. There's also a link to my community, but there's nothing there yet.

There was something else to say…but I don't remember what…

REVIEW! You'd make me the happiest writer if you reviewed…