The night they rapt up the Ed Jerse case, the night proceeding Scully's appointment at Holy Cross turned into the first night they spent together. Mulder drove her home, returning to the Bureau by taxi to collect his car. Scully had a meal prepared on his return. Picking at the simple food covering her plate, Mulder watched with concern. He saw the worry and apprehension in her every movement. They spoke very little but every look, each insignificant touch communicated the depth of their feelings. This thing, from Mulder's side at least, too new to complicate with words. So he chose silence which seemed to console Scully.
For Scully, her need to have Mulder hold and support her became overwhelming. The thought of tomorrow, of what waited in her future haunted her mind, body and soul. Scully moved on autopilot, cleaning up the kitchen with Mulder comfortably at her side, as though they'd done this domesticity together for years. Sitting on her couch, watching some absurd program on TV while in Mulder's arms fulfilled the longing of a week ago. That she didn't need to ask for his the warmth of his embrace, frankly astonished her and lulled her into a sense of security the likes of which she never felt before. Scully needed him and she never wanted to let go.
'Time for bed I think,' Scully yawned, pulling out of the strong, warm arms encasing her.
'I guess that's my que to leave,' Mulder looked disappointed but hadn't expected more.
'Stay,' the simple word escaped before Scully could think better. 'I…I don't want to be alone tonight.'
'I'll take the couch,' Mulder responded, pulling Scully with him into a standing position and kissing her lightly on the forehead before resting his head against hers.
'That's what he said,' she looked anywhere but at her partner.
'Jerse?' Mulder asked softly, wondering why Scully decided to suddenly open up now.
'Yes,' then Scully found the courage to tell Mulder exactly what happen in the last week, standing with his arms loosely holding her, their foreheads touching.
'Scully,' he ached for her, for the secret fear terrorising Scully, for the fact she'd kept it to herself and the fact he'd been closed to her emotional distress.
'He wasn't you, Mulder, he wasn't you,' she cried, 'and you were all I wanted. I thought I could fool myself for a while, but I couldn't even do that.'
'We need to be up early tomorrow to make it to your appointment. I won't leave you, Scully. You don't need to do this alone. What ever happens tomorrow, I'm going to be right by your side,' Mulder whispered, hoping Scully had lowered her barriers enough to let him accompany her.
Taking his hand in hers, Scully led Mulder to her bedroom. In her quiet, assertive manner, she undressed. Shrugging into an oversized t-shirt, she climbed into bed. Embarrassed, Mulder striped to boxers and under shirt before joining her.
'Hold me,' Scully murmured at the same time Mulder reached for her, whispering, 'I'm just going to hold you tonight.' The absurdity broke the mounting tension and they both smiled. Snuggling together, Scully soon slipped into a dreamless if restless sleep.
Mulder wouldn't do anything, this being about more than sexual love. Scully needed comfort and he could provide it. Yet this went beyond platonic love, so far beyond Mulder didn't know how to classify it. He just knew, in this moment, he'd do anything Scully asked of him, be anything she wanted him to be, say whatever she needed to hear and mean it from the bottom of his heart and the depths of his sole. For the first time in his life, his thoughts concentrated on the wants and need of another. His devotion to her undeniable, this tiny, red haired woman became the focus of his life, his only truth, his sole mate.
How he could have thought Melissa his eternal destiny, Mulder didn't know. Or maybe he did. In all his past lives, at least the ones he'd explored, Scully had been his protector, keeping him from harm as his father, his superior, but always male. Homosexual relationships only recently acknowledged widely, no wonder he hadn't made the connection until now. He'd always loved Scully, the bond beyond that of physical. What lay between them, love in its purest form, an attachment so great it transcended the physical world and entered the spiritual. In this life, Scully still protected him but in a feminie form for the first time.
Mulder came to the sudden and blinding recognition that he found and lost Melissa for a reason. She might have filled a gap in his past, but his one true love would always be Scully. This time, in this life, they had the opportunity to finally complete their souls, to add yet another dimension to their relationship which had been developing since the beginning of time. When Scully felt ready, when she felt the need, Mulder would be at her side to take their bond into the physical, allowing them to find completion.
'I'll drive you, Scully,' Mulder stated the next morning. He'd snuck away in the early hours to retrieve his emergency bag from his car. Now showered and dressed, he waited patiently for her.
'You don't need to do this, Mulder,' she returned, the softness and vulnerability of yesterday a forgotten memory.
'It's already done,' Mulder stated. He wouldn't allow Scully to rebuild the walls of independence and self-reliance which had tumbled at his feet the day before. Scully needed him to force her to remain open and Mulder intended to do everything in his power to ensure their fledgling bond grew. 'I called Skinner to say you needed to go to the hospital and we'd come in later,' he shrugged his shoulders easily, holding Scully front door open for her.
Dropping Scully at the entrance to the hospital, Mulder parked the car. By unspoken arrangement, they both knew Scully needed to hear this verdict alone. Respecting her wishes, Mulder took his time. Finding the hospital florist, he purchased a bouquet of flowers before making his way to the oncology department. In true Scully form, she stood in her working attire, her diagnosis and treatment options finally laid exposed. Now he had to stand tall at her side and hear the medical verdict, supporting her choice of treatment.
'I have cancer,' she stated stoically, pointing out the tumour on her x-ray. Turning to Mulder, Scully explained, 'it's a mass on the wall between my sinus and cerebrum. If it pushes into my brain statistically there is about zero chance of survival.'
Scully had heard the words, understood there meaning and comprehended the consequences, intellectually. This academic knowledge hadn't yet translated to feeling. Right now, her heart remained in a state of stunned emotionlessness. Scully's soul cried at the unfairness while she wrapped her very best ridged professionalism around her like at cloak on a cold winter's night to protect her from a freezing environment.
'I don't accept that,' Mulder's tone denied her conclusion. His mind worked furiously to integrate the information Scully had imparted. He'd suspected the worst, how could he not with her behaviour yesterday. Comparing herself to a petrified rose petal gave Mulder some insight into Scully fears for her health. The scans added to his list of clues. Today had brought his worst fears to light. 'There must be some people who have received treatment for this, we…we can...can…' he faltered, not sure what to say or where to turn.
He felt, rather than saw Scully's blue orbs glisten with unshed tears as her heart finally began to process the truth of her condition. She attempted to remain strong but Mulder, through his years of close association, felt her need. Pulling her into his embrace, he rested his chin on the top of her head. At first Scully remained stiff, rejecting his hold. Mulder persisted, forcing his warmth and emotion to flow over her.
'I won't let you go through this alone, Scully,' Mulder finally spoke, 'I care to much about you.'
'I don't want your pity,' she returned, struggling to escape his arms.
'Good,' Mulder told her sternly, tightening his grip, 'because you don't have it. What I'm offering is my strength and support and love.'
Like a balloon filled with air suddenly let go, Scully deflated. The stoic individual of a moment ago dissolved into a puddle of tears. Her arms found their way around Mulder's waist, crushing him with her need to feel wanted and needed and vital.
'I don't know if I can do this alone,' the words were torn from the deepest recesses of her soul once she expunged the worst of her fear. 'I don't want to do this alone,' she confessed.
'While my body holds breath, Scully, I promise you, you'll never be alone,' Mulder pledged.