Author's Note: Hello there, curious readers! I'm sure you're probably all wondering what on earth is this fanfic doing in a POTC section, and I can probably explain. This really isn't a POTC fic, it's a mixture of all sorts of thigns crammed together in one parody/humor/whatever story. It has Lord of the Rings, Pirates of the Caribbean, A Series of Unfortunate Events, Artemis Fowl, Harry Potter, and even Van Helsing later on in the story. Really, it's just a bunch of characters from books and movies that I like whom I've decided to put on one big desertedisland as mentioned from Pirates of the Caribbean. Since the setting is from Pirates of the Carribbean, you can see why I chose to put it under the POTC category. And even though this is supposed to be a POTC fic, I started off with introducing Legolas Greenleaf into the tale. Captain Jack Sparrow comes later. Well, that's enough expaining. Let us begin!

Stuck on an Island

Legolas Greenleaf sat with his hands on his chin, back to his loyal companion Gimli the Dwarf. Being an Elvin pretty-boy had its ups and downs, but this had to be the worst thing he had ever gotten himself into. After the War of the Ring, the Fellowship sworn to fight against evil had gone its separate ways. Aragorn, Legolas' best friend, had become King of Gondor. Boromir had gotten shot, (Legolas never liked him anyway—he cramped his style) while his brother had gotten the dame. Frodo Baggins, the wimpy whelp that complained the whole way about just carrying the ring, and Samwise Gamgee, Frodo's security guard, had gone back to their land called the Shire, followed by their idiot accomplices Pippin and Merry. Sam, Pippin, and Merry had gotten married, and had lots of kids. (Hobbits multiply like bunnies.) Frodo, however, still complained about the ring, even when he destroyed it, and finally got the hint and decided to sail off to nowhere. Good riddance. Legolas and Gimli, however, had grown close through the war, and decided to go adventuring. They hopped on a boat, which almost sunk because of Gimli's weight, and bid goodbye to Middle-Earth. However, Legolas was beginning to regret his decision.

"Legolas, I am hungry. Let's have lunch," Gimli boomed.

"We just had lunch not but 5 minutes ago. You ate everything, remember?" Legolas said quietly.

"Oh… yes… now I recall. So, let's have a snack." Gimli looked in the basket. It was empty. "Why, there's nothing in here!" he exclaimed.

"No kidding."

"Did we go through it that fast?"

Legolas turned and gave Gimli a very dry look. "We've been sailing off course for hours. I tried to read the map, but you spilled wine on it. I tried to get the compass. But you thought it was a biscuit and ate it. We're lost, Gimli."

"Oh…" Gimli mumbled. They sailed for another few hours, until a great growling sound was heard.

"Ggggggrggglllllllllrrrrrrrrr rnnnggggggrgggg…" said Gimli's stomach, shaking the boat.

"I'm sooooooo hungry!" Gimli whined, clutching his belly.

"Well deal with it," Legolas said, eyes narrowing. "I think there's a spot of land over there…"

Gimli stared at Legolas.

"Yes," Legolas continued, "I see mountains!"

"I wonder how elf meat tastes," Gimli said to himself.

"Land ho!" Legolas shouted gaily, standing up. He turned toward Gimli, who was advancing toward him with a fork and knife.

"Just a bite…"

Legolas screamed girlishly, and jumped off the boat, leaving Gimli sitting by himself. Gimli looked at his arm, and started to salivate. "I wonder what dwarf meat tastes like…"

Artemis Fowl was a very smart boy.

Ever since he was eleven, he had been involved in the most genius of crimes. He had always been very smart from the beginning, of course, but when he turned twelve he discovered the fairy world: a technologically advanced people living under humans' noses all along. He captured one of the people's captains, and blackmailed the LEP (Lower Elements Police) in order to get several thousand pounds in gold. He donated some of it to help his mother who had gone mad, and later on rescued his missing father from the Russian Mafia. He had previous adventures involving the Fairy People after that, at one time they tried to erase his memory of them, but of course it was in vain. Now he spent his time taking advantage of several big-time industries, and hacking into the most protected files on the web—the usual hobbies for the average 19-year-old genius. But now, he found himself in a rather sticky situation, as he woke up on an unknown beach with none of his adopted fairy technology.

"Blast," he swore under his breath, and surveyed the area. He appeared to be on a very small island. Luckily there were a fair number of trees about, so he shouldn't have any problem making a distress signal if rash actions were demanded.

Artemis began to walk around the edge of the island. He wasn't five minutes into his walk when he heard a noise. He narrowed his eyes and listened closely. It sounded like a girl crying. He looked around. Sitting on top of a hill was a young girl, who looked to be around 18. He approached the girl carefully. Normally it was not like him to walk up to complete strangers and ask for directions, but in this case, he would make an exception.

"Madam," he said, reaching the top of the hill, "are you all right?"

The girl looked up. She had a fair face, even though it was tearstained, with dark wet hair damply holding a ribbon.

"Are you all right, miss?" he repeated in his thick Irish brogue.

"Excuse me," she said, standing up. "You wouldn't have happened to see a boy and a little girl would you? The boy is about this height, and is about 16, and the girl looks to be about 4 and has abnormally sharp teeth."

"I'm afraid not," said Artemis. "Until now you're the only person I've seen. Do you know where we are?"

"No, I was about to ask you," said the girl, tears forming in her eyes. "But I need to find my brother and sister immediately. They could be in great peril. Excuse me," she said, and turned to go.

"Wait," Artemis stopped her, "if we're both lost, then we should really try to look for help together rather than splitting up."

The girl paused, and nodded her head. They walked alongside each other on the shore.

"May I inquire your name?" Artemis asked, arms behind his back.

"Uh… Violet Baudelaire."

"Violet Baudelaire? Of the Baudelaire Fortune?" Inquired Artemis, interested.

"Um… yes."

"I read about you and your siblings in some crackpot newspaper. They said you'd been committing some crimes in the past few years having to do with arson, jailbreak, and murder. Rather interesting, actually."

"It's not true—" Violet started nervously.

"I didn't think so," Artemis continued casually. "Very few adolescents are capable of committing major crimes." He smiled inwardly, thinking of his wonderful accomplishments with the fairy gold.

"It's not a matter of capability; it's a matter of morale. Some prefer not to look to the wrong decision, because they've seen so many evil things and what the consequences are… Mr.…?"

"Fowl," Artemis said, extending his hand. "Artemis Fowl. Of the Fowl Fortune. You probably haven't heard of my father's dealings with the Russian Mafia, I take it," Artemis said, once again proud of his family name.

"I'm afraid not," Violet said quietly, beginning to regret revealing her identity to someone who may have ties with the Mafia.

"Oh?" said Artemis, surprised and a little bit embarrassed.

"No. My siblings and I don't have a lot of time to keep up with the news, as we are constantly… on the move." Violet sadly remembered about her siblings, and what sort of danger they could be in right now.

"I see," said Artemis, taking a good look at Violet. She was undoubtedly pretty, but had a sad sort of air about her like she had been down every dead-end road. It wasn't in Artemis to be interested in girls (or they him, possibly because of his scary vampire-like looks or his monster pride), but this girl seemed to be very well-read. He looked ahead, and stopped. "Do you hear that?"

Violet stopped too. "Yes."

It was a strange sort of screaming sound, coming from over the hill. Suddenly, a man appeared, kicking and stomping around, screaming all sorts of curses and swears.

"Come on," Artemis said, grabbing Violet by the wrist. "Maybe he can tell us where we are."

Captain Jack Sparrow woke up with a blistering headache. He had been out pillaging all night with his crew, set a ship afire, mixed and mingled with a pair of French twins, and had gotten terribly drunk. He remembered dropping on the deck of his beloved ship, the Black Pearl, after dancing to a karaoke version of "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun." After that, it was pretty much blurry: but he remembered his crew dragging him somewhere, and being dumped on a boat lead by some freaks wearing robes and carrying sticks, and after that—black. His eyelashes fluttered, he groaned, and rolled over.

Wait. This wasn't his nice warm bed, gently tilting and creaking to the rhythm of the sea. Instead, it was the granular feel of warm sand against his cheek, heated by the tropic sun. His brown eyes snapped open. He jumped up.

"Oh no." Jack looked around. It was happening again. Twice he was dumped on some island, with nothing but a few bottles of rum and once an annoying aristocratic brat named Elizabeth Swann to look forward to, but now…

"NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he screamed to the sky. "Why?! Why must it always happen to me? It's not fair! Why can't you bloody people just leave me alone with my ship?!" He doubled over, and lay there in the fetal position.

"Human?" said an unnaturally high voice from behind him. "Human, are you ill?"

Jack sat up, and looked around. Standing before him was a tall, amazingly handsome young man with pointy ears and long blonde hair that flowed in the wind. "Do I bloody look all right?" he said, his words slurring. "I've lost my ship, I keep finding myself on abandoned islands, and I've got a hangover…" he jumped up, and ran over to a tree, throwing up the rest of last night's festivities.

The young man with beautiful hair flinched, and said, disgusted, "You humans are so uncivilized… ugh."

Jack glared from behind the tree. "Have you seen a ship with black sails and a wench holding a seashell-thing for a hood ornament with a crew full of traitors on it?"

The young man looked puzzled. Jack sighed, and started to walk away, when seeing two figures come up from the other side of the island. As they got closer, Jack could see their faces. There were two young people, a boy and a girl, who looked to be about 18. The girl had a pretty little face; however, the boy looked like something out of a cheesy old vampire movie. Jack shuddered.

"I say!" the boy called. "You! Can you tell me where we are?"

Jack looked around for some sort of cross or stake. "Me? Oh, you don't want me. I've got too much alcohol in me blood. Why don't you take that lovely girl beside you, hmm?" He turned to the young man with pointy ears. "Do you have any garlic on you?"

The boy and girl were now approaching them. The young girl spoke up. She had a soft, sweet voice—like a lark who'd been caged in a house for too long. "Please, can you tell us where we are? I have to get back to my family, and—"

"More humans! Fascinating!" the pointy-eared man cried, flouncing up to the girl. He touched her wet black hair, and examined her purple sailor-type uniform, slightly tattered and sopping. He then turned to the boy, but when getting a cold fierce glare out of two icy eyes, he shrieked, and jumped behind Jack, peeking out from behind his shoulder. Jack ignored it, as his attention was on the girl, who had now become very distressed.

"There now, lass, there's no need to be afraid. What's your name?"

The girl looked up. She seemed to pondering on whether or not she should give her real name, or an alias, like she had been wrongly accused of a crime and was being chased down by some evil maniac with a unibrow. "Violet Baudelaire," she said.

"Violet," Jack repeated. He grinned his most dashing and pirate-y grin. This was a heck of a lot better than Elizabeth. He turned to the vampire. "And who are you?"

"Artemis Fowl, of the Fowl Family. I'm one of the wealthiest heirs in the UK, as proclaimed by Scoop Weekly."

"Fowl, that sounds familiar. Have I raided you before?"

"No," Artemis said smugly, "I don't think you have, being as I have one of the most advanced technology systems in the world, with a high-tech security system that cannot even be cracked by the most genius of technicians."

"Artemis Fowl!" the blonde man cried, stepping forth. "I heard all about you and the LEP Recon. You stole a bunch of fairy gold back when you were 12, or 11, or something! I heard all about you and Captain Holly Short from my fairy friends."

Artemis looked stunned. "You… you know about the Lower Elements Police?" he said, regaining his cool expression.

"Yes."

"Then you must be an—"

"An elf," he said proudly. "We're not as advanced as fairies, but we're much prettier and we can kick butt when it comes to wars against power-obsessed villains tracking hairy-footed people carrying possessed jewelry…" He drifted off into his own world, murmuring things like, "The ring was mine…stupid little Frodo with his fat little boyfriend…stupid Gandalf… 'Don't buy the gold ring for Sauron for Christmas… buy something cheap at Claire's…' But nooooooooo…"

Everyone looked confused. When the elf snapped back to normal, he said, "Legolas Greenleaf, pleased to meet you."

Artemis edged away.

"Right," Jack said, breaking the silence. "Violet, Lego-lass, Arty-miss, and I'm Captain Jack Sparrow: best pirate captain on the seven seas, pillaged 300 ships, loved 500 women," he grinned at Violet, "so we all know each other. Now, does anyone know how to get off this island?" Silence. "Nope. So… what do we do now?"

"Dobby will be the judge of that," a voice from above said. Everyone looked up. A weird elf-looking think wearing a sock on its head was sitting in a tree. Legolas groaned.

"What is that thing? And who's Dobby?" Jack hissed.

"It's a house elf. Apparently its name is Dobby. Their purpose in life is to serve wizards. Wizards are very tiresome folk; they always think they're better than everyone else because they have magical powers." He went off into another trance-like thing, talking to himself. "Stupid… Dumbledore… I wanted to get in… but noooooo, you're no better than a Muggle… grumble…"

Everyone, including the house elf, stared at him. The house elf cleared his throat. "If you are referring to Master Dumbledore, Dobby will have to protest. Master Dumbledore is a very noble wizard, who is both wise and honorable. He takes good care of his students, and makes sure that other Muggles do not harm them."

Legolas gave the house elf named Dobby a death stare.

"Excuse me," Jack interrupted, "but I'll have to ask what the heck's going on."

"I agree," Artemis agreed, "even I don't have the faintest idea what's happening."

"Dobby will tell you," Dobby said, breaking the tension between him and Legolas. "We wizards have decided to make a reality show with all you Muggles. You've all been put on this island together to try to work out a way to survive."

"Survive?!" Jack shouted. "The only things on this island to survive off of are coconuts and rum!" he stopped, and looked at Violet. "Do you know how to make Pina Coladas?"

"But what about our present lives?" said Violet, ignoring Jack. "I have to get back to my family!"

"Don't worry, miss," Dobby said, "We have created a time warp so as you will never be gone. Once you get off this island, you will return as if nothing has happened. And for survival, Muggle Sparrow—"

"It's CAPTAIN Sparrow. CAPTAIN," said Jack, annoyed.

"Yes. Dobby will provide you with supplies for survival, like meat." He snapped his fingers, and a chicken appeared. "See?"

Artemis stared at the chicken. "Do you mean to tell me," he said in a low voice, "that you expect us to survive on a desolate island for some delinquent's entertainment?"

"Precisely, Muggle Vampire." Dobby smiled.

"I'M GONNA BLOODY KILL YOU!" roared Jack, lunging at Dobby. Dobby grinned, and disappeared. Jack fell on his face with a thud.

Everyone was silent. Violet bit her lip. Artemis stared disgustedly at the chicken. Legolas pulled out a file and buffed his fingernails.

"So… we're stuck here... and we're not gonna get off any time soon…" Jack said, lying on his stomach. He seemed to still be processing this information. Artemis rolled his eyes.

"Right. I think we should try to make camp; it's getting dark." He turned to Legolas. "You. Do you know how to pitch tents?"

"Puh-leeze," Legolas said, waving a delicately manicured hand. "It's a piece of cake. When I was working in the Fellowship in the War of the Ring, our co-leader Gandalf always made me pitch the tents because on account of he liked looking at me bend over all the time," he tried to stare admiringly at his butt, but when failing, continued, "so I made a way that I could pitch a tent in under five seconds without so much as bending over." He looked to the sky, and shouted, "How do you like THAT, GANDALF?! You and your stupid wizards can all just—"

"And you," Artemis interrupted, breaking Legolas' maniacal phase. He turned to Violet. "Do you know how to make a fire?"

Violet nodded meekly. "I can help with something else—"

"Great!" Jack said, grabbing her. "You can help me gather firewood! Come on!"

He dragged Violet into the little grove-like forest that covered the island. He pulled out his knife that he luckily still had (he kept it tucked away in a secret place that not even wizards could find), and started hacking down trees. "So, Violet, how old are you exactly?"

"I'm 19," Violet said, looking around.

Jack smiled a dastardly smile. He tried to think of how many young women he had philandered with that were 19 and younger. "Do you have any hobbies?"

"Well, I sort of haven't had the time for any of them, but I do enjoy inventing things in the mechanical field." Violet smiled.

Jack rolled up his sleeves and began to hack some more. "I'm not about any of that land-loving rot. I belong to the ocean…" He stopped, and got this dreamy poetic look in his eye. "Just on the sea, me and my ship, and there are no clouds in the sky… how about you?"

"Well, I have had a few experiences dealing with the ocean…" Violet looked out to the sea nearby, remembering the fateful day on the beach when she and her siblings were informed that their parents died and their house burned to the ground. The ocean was so beautiful here, it was calming. It wasn't anything like the ocean Violet remembered 4 years ago. She wondered about her siblings, and what they were doing right now. Her thoughts were interrupted by a high-pitched squeal.

Jack and Violet ran back to the clearing. Legolas was on his knees, sobbing.

"What happened?" Violet asked, approaching Legolas.

"Oh, it's so horrible," Legolas sobbed, "this place is so horrible. I wish I were back home with Grandma Galadriel, baking lembas cookies. Waaaaah…" he sobbed into Violet's shoulder, shoulders heaving. Violet, slightly uncomfortable herself, comforted Legolas stiffly.

"Get a hold of yourself, man," Artemis said. "What's the matter?"

"I was trying to pitch the tent, and… I broke a nail!" Legolas sobbed violently into Violet's shoulder. Everyone, including the chicken Artemis was trying to catch, rolled their eyes.

"Why don't I pitch the tent," Violet said, "and you can catch the chicken?"

"But… but what if I get hurt?" Legolas said, eyelashes quivering.

"I doubt you'll get hurt trying to catch something that clucks," murmured Jack, staring Legolas. He was trying to figure out if Legolas was a eunuch.

Violet took the pieces of wood Legolas was trying to pitch the tent with, and looked around at the palm trees around her. She took a ribbon out of her pocket, and tied up her hair (a habit she had when she was trying to think or invent something) so it wouldn't get in her eyes. She turned to Jack, still in thought, and said, "May I borrow your knife?"

Jack promptly handed it to her. Violet began cutting up the sticks, and started to shred the trees of their leaves, branches, and bark. Artemis walked over to watch her. Violet tore a long piece of string from her dress, and began to sew the palm leaves and bark together to make a canvas. Jack caught on to the idea, and started taking the branches and bending them to make a crude sort of base for the tent. Artemis helped Violet take the piece of canvas and drape it over the skeleton of the tent, and held it down with the cut up pieces of sticks hammered into the ground. When the tent was finished, Violet, Jack, and Artemis stepped back to admire the shelter they had made by working together. (Not realizing how cheesy that sounded, of course.)

Legolas gave an angry roar, and lunged at the chicken. He landed on top of it, and started struggling with it. The chicken gave an enraged cluck, and started pecking at Legolas' pretty hands. Legolas shrieked, and forced his weight onto the chicken. "I tackled 200 soldiers riding on an elephant at Minis Terith, I can tackle you!"

The chicken struggled a little longer, but finally slowed, and fell still. Legolas cautiously raised himself up, and when seeing he had won, raised its limp body over his head, striking the famous "Link found something!" pose from the popular video game, "Legend of Zelda." He gleefully danced around, waving the poultry about. Artemis, Violet, and Jack looked on at the morbid sight, rather disgusted.

"We need to make a fire and eat before it gets dark," Violet said, grabbing the firewood that lay abandoned in the brush.

"I'll do that," Jack said gallantly, and grabbed the wood, rubbing it furiously together. He continued this process for quite a while, his chocolaty brown eyes narrowing and little beads of sweat running down his face. Finally, a little spark emerged, and a puff of smoke floated into the air. "Oh, this is no good," grumbled Jack, and looked around. "I wonder if that old rum cash is still around…" He jumped up, leaving the puny spark a-burning, and wandered off, murmuring things to himself. Violet and Artemis sat down, and wearily tried to make the fire larger.

"I didn't know you were so… utilitarian," mumbled Artemis, struggling for conversation. He didn't have his faithful bodyguard, Butler, to talk with him, and there were obviously no other people around worth talking to, so he figured he would have to try to make a friend while he was stuck on this crack-pot island, and Violet seemed to be the only person friendly—and sane—enough here.

"Thank you," Violet smiled, poking at the fire.

"Um… I'm… sorry about your family."

Violet looked down. "It has been hard for all of us, especially me. It's difficult trying to run a family all by yourself, let alone running a family while running from a terrible villain set on making your life miserable until the end of your days…" she drifted off.

(It's funny how complete strangers can reveal their deepest darkest secrets and feelings to each other over an open fire—or rather, a measly spark—on a cool tropical night. Violet never talked about her feelings, only with her two other siblings, but we'll get to that later.)

Artemis was trying to search for something comforting to say (which was very unlike him, but remember the deep-dark-secrets-over-the-fire theory we discussed) but he was interrupted by a gleeful shout.

Suddenly, Jack burst through with a merry grin on his face. "HaHA! I knew there had to be at least one bottle left!" And with that, he poured a bottle on the spark. The spark exploded into a roaring bonfire in a split second. Artemis and Violet jumped back, as Jack danced around it like some heathen. Legolas soon came back with a plucked chicken, ready for cooking.

"Hoorah!" Legolas called, joining Jack in the merry jig. He grabbed a stick nearby, and prodded the poultry into it, waving it over the majestic bonfire. "It's like Lentil day, only we're not wearing lingerie and we're in the tropics instead of the streets of Rivindell!"

Choosing to ignore the comment made by Legolas, Jack grabbed Violet by the waist and flung her into the festivities. Looking very scared, Violet was twirled from Legolas to Jack and back again. Artemis stood in the background with his hands jammed in his pockets, overviewing the situation like it was a reenactment of the mating habits of deer on the Discovery Channel.

After a filling dinner of roasted chicken and alcohol for Jack and Legolas, the four sat around the bonfire, talking.

"So—hiccup—Jack, how about another round of the pirate song? Hiccup?" Legolas asked, voice cracking. Artemis twitched. They had been singing that wretched song over and over again for the past hour, and most of the words they didn't know and slurred out.

"Please spare us," Artemis said in a low voice.

"Very well, old mate," Jack said, swaying to and fro. He took a deep breath, and started belting out 'Yo ho yo ho, a Pirate's Life for Me,' in a deep baritone voice. Legolas joined in a high soprano. They linked arms, and started spinning and singing around the bonfire. Violet watched them with interest. She had heard some very pretty harmonies when her parents were alive and took her to concerts, but it was strange that now was the best she had heard in her life—especially since the two singers were a pirate and a gender-confused elf and terribly drunk.

"Wepillageandplunderandlalala lala, drink up me hearties yo ho! Yo ho yo ho, a pirate's life for meeeee…" Legolas sang out. He wavered, and dropped to the ground, long golden hair spread out like a blanket beside him.

Jack stared at him, and said in slurred tones, "That man has a drinking problem."

Artemis sighed, and said quietly said to himself, "It's a wonder I haven't gone mad already. I don't know how I'll be able to survive another hour with these two here."

Violet stood up, and trudged to the tent, Artemis following. Jack pried the rum bottle from Legolas' hands, held it tight to him, and crawled into the tent. The three didn't have any blankets, so instead chose to snuggle close together for body warmth. Jack took special care to conveniently sleep on the outside, next to Violet, and away from Artemis, who he still was scared of. As the other two teenagers drifted off to sleep, Jack sat up, remembering Legolas still on the outside. He paused and shrugged, deciding it was better if Legolas was out there, and soon fell asleep.