Author's Note: Thank you for reviewing, my wonderful audience! I'm glad you think my story is so funny. Truly, it's even more fun to write than to read it because you get to twist and torture the characters anyway you like. I especially like to write about my favorite elfin fop and the adorable captain getting drunk. Bwahaha… that's why they wake up today with a hangover. Note to children- never drink with an elf. Well anyway, today I introduce a new character to the story- Van Helsing the infamous vampire slayer. To the disclaimers: no. I don't own him either.

Legolas Greenleaf and Captain Jack Sparrow weren't having a very fun time. Jack stumbled into the cave tiredly, swearing something. He looked around. "Where're the youngsters?" he said.

Legolas sat up. "Who knows…hic…who cares…"

Jack rolled his eyes, and turned away. "Maybe they got up to look for breakfast."

Legolas stood up, swerved, and then feel back down again, shouting, "cookie!"

Jack shook his head. "You know, mate, you shouldn't take in that much alcohol. We scalawags are used to it, but you…" he picked up the weapons he had received with the cats on them. "You're like some horrible rendition of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde starring Elton John and Michael Jackson." He strode toward the exit.

"Where're you going?" Legolas slurred.

"To look for sober company. Getting drunk isn't any fun with you."

Violet and Artemis sat under a palm tree, devouring their breakfast. It was a bright and sunny morning, and now that there was light Artemis could clearly see his surroundings. The pond was surrounded by various trees with juicy fruit hanging just above arm's reach. There were mangos, bananas, papayas, oranges, passion fruit, and coconuts. Artemis suspected the wizards put some of the trees here, because it was highly coincidental that there would be one of each tree standing neatly by each other, or at least out of their biome.

Violet swallowed a mouthful of mango thoughtfully. "Do you suppose we should go up and look for the others? They're probably better by now."

"I doubt it. The amount of alcohol Greenleaf drank last night was unbelievable." He shrugged his shoulders, tossed the peel of the banana he was eating casually on the ground, and started for the other side. Suddenly, the bush rustled. Artemis' head snapped sideways. He leaned in. No, it wasn't the tropic breeze. He knew something was in there- he could just make out the shape of a cross bow…

ZING! An arrow whizzed right by Artemis' missing his ear. Artemis yelped, and jumped back, Violet at his side. A tall, dark, and incredibly handsome man stepped out of the bush, bearing a strange resemblance to Hugh Jackman. "Avast, vampire prince! I've come to finish you and your relatives!"

Artemis stood in confused surprise, before ducking another arrow. Violet screamed like a lady perched on top of a large New York building with a giant ape swatting at planes. In the blink of an eye, the handsome executioner grabbed Violet, and swung off on a vine. Artemis, now pulled together, was quick to follow. Violet continued to scream.

"It's alright," the stranger said, "That vampire prince is far away now. I should've known at least one of Dracula's spawn would've survived. You don't need to be afraid when you're with me."

Violet looked at him with confusion. "Who are you?"

"The name's Van Helsing, Monster Hunter." The man stated his name proudly like it was the title of a movie or something. He let go of the vine, and landed promptly on his feet. He let Violet down with the gentlest of care, yet she still looked terribly frazzled. Violet turned to get a good look at him. He had a strong, tall body, shrouded in a black trench coat. His long hair fell across his shoulders. Violet could see dark gleaming eyes under a floppy yet manly hat. Beneath his coat were various gruesome weapons strapped safely around his waist. He smiled a dashing smile. Violet blushed, and smiled back.

"I say," heaved Artemis, who had now caught up with the two, "there was really no need for that crass behavior back there. If you're one of my father's enemies, you really shouldn't have picked this place to come and hold me for ransom-"

Van Helsing casually pulled out two spinney-circular-knife things, and aimed. Artemis ran behind a tree just as the blades were about to hit. "Stop trying to hit me!" he cried, as Van Helsing reloaded.

"I know your tricks, Prince Dracula. You try to deceive me into thinking that you're an incredibly pale teenage boy who was but sitting with this innocent-" he smiled at Violet, "-and may I say impeccably beautiful young lady; but really your intentions are to suck the blood out of her neck, or worse, make her into one of your pale, melodramatic brides!"

"Stop!" Violet cried, stepping between them. "Both of you are acting like children! Sir, this young man happens to be my friend, and is in fact incredibly pale, and there is no way I would let him near my neck be him vampire or not!"

One could detect a hint of disappointment on Artemis' usually unemotional face. Wow, he thought, that was a fast write-off,

"Now Artemis," Violet continued, "This man may be able to help us get off this island. So please treat him with at least a bit of respect." Violet smiled. "Now, that wasn't too hard."

Suddenly, the three heard a joyous whoop from around the top of the mountain.

Jack rubbed his eyes. Was he seeing straight? Standing before him were three bombshell ladies dressed in thin, wispy clothing with long billowing hair and sumptuous smiles. Jack stepped forward. "Why, hello ladies…"

"Hey, handsome," the brunette stepped forward. "My name is Morguiana. This here," the red-head stepped forward, "is Elizibat, and this," a perky, pale blonde skipped forward, "is Merideath." She paused. "But you can call us Morgue, Batty, and Death."

The blonde giggled. "Usually a comedy drum roll comes after that."

"Mmmm," Batty licked her lips, "He looks so good. Lots of alcohol runs through his veins. I love a man who drinks."

"He's so cute I could just suck on his neck!" Death squealed. Morgue pushed her out of the way.

"I want some!"

Jack looked joyous. "Now ladies, let's not get greedy,"

The girls all stopped. They were staring wide-eyed at a boy behind Jack.

Artemis stood uncomfortably, with his arms crossed. "Jack, come on. Let's leave these nice ladies alone. We found a new place to make camp, and-"

"Hail Prince Dracula, Heir to the Throne of the Dead!" Morgue cried, and fell to her knees. The others did as well. They crawled up to Artemis and began worshipping him, clinging to his legs. Jack turned around.

"Hey! What about me?" he cried.

"Quiet, mortal," Morgue hissed. She turned her pale face up to the rigid Artemis. He wasn't used to having women fawn over him like this. "Master," she cooed, "I heard there was a female around here somewhere. If you want we can go make a quickie sacrifice to you. It won't take any time at all, we practiced once in McDonalds on the manager; it'll only take 5 minutes to suck the blood out."

Artemis looked sick. "That won't be necessary, uh… ladies. I'm sure-" He paused, and grinned evilly at Jack. "-I'm sure that human over there will be just fine."

Jack looked terrified. His eye liner made his eyes look like they were bulging out of their sockets and his normally sexy moustache curved around his mouth in a sad, open frown. The vampiresses circled in on him, growing giant fangs.

"Not fair," Jack whimpered, and braced himself.

Luckily, Van Helsing and Violet emerged just in time to distract them. "Play time's over, girls. It's time to die!" Van Helsing added, "Again."

The vampiresses shrieked, and turned into horrible vampire-demons. (Yes, everyone, if you've seen Shallow Hal, you will now realize it works on vampires too.) They swooped in on him, but Van Helsing ducked just in time to throw a cross at her. Morgue screeched, and crumpled to the floor. Jack crawled beside her, muttering, "Alas, Morguiana, I never knew her,"

Death turned on Violet, and opened her mouth to bite, but Violet was quicker. She shoved a clove of garlic into her mouth. Death clawed at her face, and spat it out. "Eeeew! Bad breath!" She disappeared into a pile of dust. Batty squealed, and flew swiftly off the island over the ocean. Van Helsing took aim, and fired a silver stake. There was a brief silence as everyone watched Batty's body fly, get hit, linger for a moment, and then drop in to the ocean with a satisfying plunk.

There was a joyous cheer among the four. Van Helsing grabbed Violet, dipped her back, and gave her a big long smooch. Violet's eyes widened in surprise. When he was finished, he said, "Oh, I'm terribly sorry. It's just I have this compelled feeling to kiss a beautiful woman whenever I have a victory."

Violet was red. Artemis had a hideous snarl on his face that was in truth worse than the vampiress' demon form. "You just made an excuse for kissing her because you think you're all manly and Hugh-Jackman-like!" He pulled Violet away from Van Helsing with strange force.

"Yeah! What he said!" agreed Jack. "And keep your hands off my woman!" He pulled Violet toward him.

The three men began to argue, pushing and pulling Violet. Violet sighed wearily. Although she did admit she sort of liked the attention.

Jack, Violet, Artemis, and now Van Helsing were making it back to the cave. Jack slashed at branches, with Van Helsing armed and ready at the back. Artemis kept a close eye on both of the as he walked beside Violet. There had been some argument over who should protect Violet from danger. Van Helsing insisted on doing it in case there where any other vampires around, and Jack said he should do it because he's more familiar with the island. Artemis argued that Violet was a perfectly smart girl and could take care of herself, and that the only thing she needed protecting from was the two men's giant ego.

"So… how did you crash here?" Artemis asked as the four walked on.

"I was looking for a scientist named Dr. Ophilius Gantus to help me destroy a monster I was hunting. He was sailing off to find some sort of antidote for a jungle fever, and never returned. Some say he was shipwrecked… right around this part of the world. I was sailing, and I remember seeing this… force field. And then I blacked out."

Artemis smirked. "Well, you should know this entire area is protected by freak wizards. They're watching us as we speak. They find our pain entertaining… kind of like reality television."

Van Helsing shuddered. "Wow. I didn't know you had it that bad. But I need to get off this island. There isn't much time before the monster I'm hunting destroys everyone."

"No, he won't. The force field you saw traps us from the outside world and time." Artemis said matter-of-factly.

Van Helsing stared at Artemis. "My, you certainly are a smart young man, aren't you?"

Artemis turned around. "Do you know who I am?" he turned to Violet. "Do you know who she is?" he looked toward Jack, paused, and said, "Never mind him. We are very well-read people. We've been trying to find a way off this island for three days, and nothing has come up. We need the work of a science miracle to get us out of here."

Van Helsing walked on. Artemis rolled his eyes, and followed. Violet stayed behind, and looked out to the sea. "A science miracle," she said softly, and walked on.

They found Legolas outside of the cave, screaming words in another language. He was running around, grabbing things out of his back and shooting trees with his imaginary bow.

"Elephants!" he cried. "Gimli, get down! We need back-up!"

"Greenleaf?" Artemis ventured forward. Legolas looked toward him with a wild look on his face, shot another bow at him, and ran away. "Ringraith, Pippin, get away!" he hopped on Jack's back, stabbing at him with imaginary bows, shouting, "take that, elephant!" until Jack threw him off.

Legolas rolled, and swiftly hopped to his feet. "I sure hope that whiny hobbit has destroyed that cheap ring by now," he said to himself, then tried to strangle a tree.

"He's gone mad-"Artemis paused, and added, "-der."

"What should we do?" Jack stared at Legolas, trying to strangle the tree.

"This," Violet took Jack's gun and hurled it at Legolas' head with force. Legolas stopped, giggled, and dropped to the ground.

"Nice shot." Artemis grinned wolfishly. Van Helsing and Jack proceeded to pick the unconscious elf up and carry him inside the cave. Violet followed, smiling to herself.

The five sat around a measly fire Jack had managed to make with the rest of the burnt wood/bones and the alcohol.

"For people surviving on an island, you sure have it easy. It looks like everything was prepared for you." Van Helsing observed the pile of presents lying in the corner.

"That's the thing," Artemis said, exasperated, "Everything is prepared for us. The wizards want to make sure we don't die or anything, so they give us everything but a kitchen sink."

"How do you get water?"

Violet thought. "Come to think of it, we don't have any real water. We've been surviving on rainwater and rum."

"The rum will be gone in a few days," Jack said, looking over at the sleeping Legolas, "Sir Fancy Pants will make sure of that."

"And if it doesn't rain for another week," Violet drifted off, troubled.

"Then we'll be dead by Thursday." Artemis finished. The cave was silent for a while, with the exception of the soft snoring of Legolas.

Violet stood up. "Then we'll have to make our own water filter," she said, confident.

"How?" Jack asked with stupid intones.

"Please," Violet said, with a smile, "I'm an inventor."

She sauntered outside. Van Helsing stared after her. "One brave girl stuck on an island with three men," he said, "Even I'm afraid of that."

Artemis snapped to attention. "Hang on," he turned to Van Helsing, "You said the scientist you were looking for crashed around this part of the world." Van Helsing nodded. "Then you would know what part of the world this is, would you not?"

"Of course!" Van Helsing said, "we're somewhere in the South Atlantic, around Argentina."

"I could have told you that," Jack said smugly. "Back when I was captain of the Pearl before that thieving Barbosa took my ship, we used to sail all around the America's. We have a rum cash here and somewhere up around the Caribbean."

Artemis stared at Jack. "You could have told me that any time?"

"Yup."

Artemis' expression turned fierce. He said nothing, but looked like he wanted to strangle Jack. Jack backed away.

Violet suddenly dashed in with a large leaf, smiling wildly. "I did it!' she said.

"Did what?" Jack said, the intones of stupidity still in his voice. Violet took an empty rum bottle, and poured the leaf's contents in it. She gave it to Jack.

"I found some left on the tops of the trees. It's rain water left over from the other night's storm. The leaves filtered out everything. I think if we have enough of them, we might be able to filter out some sea water."

"Violet! You're a genius!" Jack exclaimed.

Artemis stared at him. "Wow. You really are stupid if it took you that long to figure that out."

Violet grinned. Legolas rolled over. "Ohhhhh… I have a headache. Hey mortals, you wouldn't believe the unnatural dream I had. I was back in the war, trying to save the ring, only Fowl was a Ring Wraith, Sparrow was an elephant, and you-" he stared at Van Helsing. "Who are you?"

"I'm Gabriel Van Helsing, monster hunter." Van Helsing bowed. Legolas looked to Violet and smiled. "He's a gentleman, isn't he?"

Artemis rolled his eyes. "We know where we are now Violet." He stood up, and walked over to the new atlas Draco Malfoy had given to Violet who gave it to him, opened it, and pointed. "Somewhere around here."

"South American coast," Violet pondered, "That makes sense."

Artemis nodded. "Unfortunately, if my theory is correct, we're way out in the middle, so we won't be able to swim to another civilized island."

"And if we did, there's still that force field." Van Helsing put in.

"Right."

"Well then," Legolas cheerily said, "I guess we'll have to stay and sleep on it. And speaking of sleeping, I didn't see Violet and Artemis last night in the cave."

"You couldn't see anything," said Artemis, examining the bottle with water in it, "you and Jack were in rum up to your eyeballs."

Legolas sneered. "Well at least I can drink alcohol. What's the legal drinking age for you humans? 21? Are you still a minor at 19?"

Van Helsing looked shocked. "Is Violet a minor?" he paused. "That's going to come up on my record."

Artemis looked up. "I am not a minor," he said with his usual unfeeling tone, "I have the intelligence of 10 college professors. I could rule minors if I wanted to."

"But you aren't allowed to drink until you're 21?" Jack stopped. "I started about 9 years early then. Oops."

Artemis raised his eyebrow. "You know, I could drink alcohol if I wanted to. It's not like I haven't broken 20 laws for each country already. I happen to be the smartest generation of a very long line of crime. I just choose not to drink it because I don't want to have a scary hangover episode like you or Mr. Abstemious over there."

Jack was cradling a bottle of rum. "No, I do not have a drinking problem!" he cried.

Artemis rolled his eyes. "And the answer to your other question is that Violet and I were exploring the other side of the mountain. There's a lagoon with food growing there."

"Mmmm," Legolas had a thin smile across his lips, "I bet it was absolutely yummy."

Artemis' eyes widened. The bridge of his nose and the tops of his cheeks grew very red, so he sort of resembled a candy cane.

Aware of the altogether frightening assumption Legolas made and looking a little red herself, Violet chose to change the subject. "It's almost sunset. Why don't we go back to the lagoon and try to eat something then camp there for the night? It's actually quite pleasant."

"Very pleasant indeed," Legolas shot back. "Wow! I'm on a roll!"

"Will you stop?"

The light was fading, but the five managed to make it down the mountain. This was the second time Violet had traveled down the mountain, so she was careful to step around the mud that lay drying innocently. When they reached the lagoon, it was dark, so they had a dinner of mixed fruit by a fire of sheathed coconut skins. Violet began to set up her filtering invention, while Jack tried to make what he called a "Temperate Pina Colada", or rum mixed with coconut. He had yet to find a way to make ice.

Artemis had chosen to watch Violet, so Legolas and Van Helsing were left alone to talk about their favorite creatures to defeat.

"My favorite monster to hunt was Big Foot. A bunch of villagers were complaining about seeing big foot prints all over the place, and seeing a hairy man walking around without any clothes on. I had yet to find out it was him, though. The villagers just wanted him arrested for being nude in public. They thought he was a local!"

Legolas burst into laughs. "Speaking of Big Foot, Hobbits are always confused with him. People see fat, unkempt little people with big hairy feet and all of a sudden think they're one of Big Foot's offspring!"

Van Helsing's laugh rang out through the lagoon. Artemis rolled his eyes.

"You know, for a couple of idiots, you two really aren't that funny. And would you mind keeping it down? Violet's trying to concentrate."

Van Helsing smiled. "I apologize. If it makes you feel better, Violet, you look angelic when you're inventing."

Artemis looked agitated. "You're not the only one who's seen Violet invent. We're stuck on a monotonous island, for Pete's sake. I've seen her too, you know, but I don't go around dripping flattery…" he paused, and added uncertainly, "even though I think she's quite attractive when she's at work as well."

Violet looked up from her work, and smiled shyly at Artemis. Artemis flushed, and said, "Well, um, I should go… er, check that mudslide, to see, um, if it's dried… uh, yeah." He dashed off. Legolas bounced up and down gleefully.

"Oh, I could just write these things!"

Jack had given up on trying to make his beverage iced, and chugged the whole thing down. Van Helsing said the he was going to get some shut eye while keeping watch (no pun intended). Legolas sat by Violet.

"Van Helsing is very handsome, no?"

"Mmm," was all Violet's reply.

"He's a gentleman, too." Legolas continued, "and very dashing."

"You have only just met him," Violet observed.

"He seems to have taken a liking to you, then again, almost every man on this island has taken a liking to you. We should name them: Van Helsing, Sparrow, those two wizard kids," he paused, "Fowl?"

Violet pulled the last two leaves together. "Artemis is a very intelligent young man. He knows that just because the situation is complicated, doesn't mean you should take drastic measures like flirting with the first girl you see." She paused, "I admire his aptitude."

Now it was Legolas' turn to say, "Mmm," he made a pile of sand to sleep on, and rolled over.

Violet sighed, and did the same.

Jack woke up in the middle of the night suddenly. It was strange that he didn't have a headache or nausea like he usually did. He looked around at the sleeping figures, Violet resting against a tree, Legolas curled up softly talking in his sleep about Maybelline and roast pork. Van Helsing was posed by him with one eye open, snoring quietly. Jack got up, and went for a walk. It was a cool night, and the night breeze rustled his dirty dread locks. A sound was coming from the bushes near the rocks. He stopped. Was it another vampiress? He grinned. Would it really be necessary to wake the others? He made his way through the bushes, to find instead of another sexy monster, Artemis sitting with a troubled expression on a rock with a bottle of rum. Jack stared at him in confusion.

"What?" he cried exasperated, and stomped off, or rather, stumbled off. Jack watched with amusement. When he got off this island, he promised himself, he would try to write a psychology book on boy geniuses and the weird things they do. He shrugged, and walked back to the lagoon, softly humming the pirate song.

Author's Note: WOW! I actually wrote a whole day's worth in here without being too long! I guess I'll just skip on to the next day then. Next time I update, that is. 