Author's Note: Hello again! Sorry for the bit of a wait- I had a very busy schedule, you understand. But I figured I should update today because today is my birthday! Huzzah! Well, that was sort of random, but I wanted to tell you because I wuv you all so much. I'm delighted to have new readers. My apologies to Yazuka Princess- I should just tell you all right now that I have no idea what I'm doing; I'm just blindly bounding through a twisted monster of a parody. Please bear with me. Thank you for correcting me on the eunuch thing. So that's how you spell it… and I should also say that I really have no idea of any laws in Ireland, but I would very much like to go there and find out because it sounds like a lovely country. To VioletAshkevron- yes, I know the characters aren't the same, but that's what makes it funny. Ha. Ha. Ha. I just had to write in something about Legolas being a… well, you know… because I think he's so adorable. Again, please bear with me, readers. I'm blonde, and have many blonde moments, if that's an excuse. Alright- here's part two of chapter four.

Chapter Four, Part Two

Upon reaching the cave, the five found to their dismay that the Atlas, the lingerie, and all the unopened presents were gone. The fire had gone out.

Violet sat troubled on the outside of the cave. Legolas came and sat down beside her.

"There's a whole half of the island that we haven't explored yet. Jack and Van Helsing are talking about going out to the other side. If we all go, we may find some fresh water and stuff." He paused. "Maybe we can find some sort of aloe or something and try to make cleanser." He sniffled. "I'm nothing without my skin care products…"

"You think you've got it bad?' Violet grumbled, elbows on knees and chin on fists, "I have two siblings that are alone and lost. It's my job to take care of them." She sighed. "I was going to buy a house. I'm finally of age to inherit my family's fortune. Now I'm stuck on an uncharted island and every second I worry about my brother and sister and if they're in danger."

"I was the youngest of nine elf children. We lived in a big pre-Sauron palace with my father in Mirkwood, so I have no idea what that feels like. I remember I had my first taste of caviar when I was 3200, 8 in elf years. That was before I was brought to the Warrior's Boarding School for Young Elves…" he turned. "What were we talking about again?"

Jack appeared with several empty rum bottles. "These were in the stash," he said, "If we're going to find water, we're going to bottle it and set up camp there."

"We might be able to eat something, too." Van Helsing said, coming out with more water.

"Look, it's Lenny and Butch, the ranger twins," Legolas grunted scathingly, "Maybe if we're lucky they'll teach us how to make a shopping mall out of a few branches, a canteen, and sun tan lotion."

"Come along, ladies," Jack shot back, "We don't want to spoil your mollycoddling, but we should be on our way. Take some bottles too while you're at it."

The group traveled down the mountain, out by the beach, where Artemis met Violet not three days before. They continued in the opposite direction, until the beach sand turned into rocky terrain. The group then moved inward into a rain-forest like area. To pass the time, Legolas had been singing an annoying nine-hour-car-ride-out-in-the-boonies-with-nothing-to-do song.

"Sixty-five bottles of rum on the wall, sixty-five bottles of rummm-"

"Will you shut up?" Jack yelled, a muscle in his jaw twitching.

"Come along, Captain," Legolas taunted, "It relieves the stress. You should try it. Everyone! You take one down, you pass it around…"

Jack reluctantly began singing along, and when finding that it did work, happily harmonized with Legolas' soprano. Van Helsing joined in as another baritone, and even Violet started to sing in a pretty alto voice. When asked, Artemis grunted, "I don't sing."

"Well, there goes our tenor. You take one down, pass it around-" Legolas rang out.

"Sixty-four bottles of rum on the wall!' everyone (excepting Artemis) replied.

"You just wait," Artemis grumbled, kicking beach sand with his hands shoved in his pockets, "When we get off this island, I'm either going to buy it and turn into an overpriced resort, or buy it and blow it up with some nuclear equipment."

Everyone stopped for a moment to stare at Artemis. Artemis, too consumed in his nuclear explosion thoughts, walked on.

Van Helsing peered at him. "It's still not too late to brand him a vampire and just kill him."

"You know, have you ever just considered that these creatures you hunt to be just misunderstood?" Jack asked nonchalantly.

"What?"

"Take Dr. Jekkyl/Mr. Hyde. This man was merely someone who longed to be something other than his dreary, science-loving self for once, and unfortunately came up with a concoction that made his personality alter. All he really needed was therapy."

Van Helsing looked shocked. "He killed people and livestock!"

"Well, I'm sure that the livestock wouldn't have been really missed if the farmers had bothered to read Farming for Dummies and used up-to-date farming methods, they would have ended up with a surplus population."

Van Helsing paused. "But he killed innocent maidens as well."

Jack quivered. "Good point."

Violet, who was carrying her almost-finished contraption, was continuing to sing with Legolas. Artemis slowed his pace to walk with them.

"You have a very pretty voice, you know," he said, trying to sound casual.

"Oh, thank you." Legolas smiled, flipping his long golden mane, "I was trained by one of the greatest elf pop singers of the time. Elfin John had lungs of brass. He could hit such notes it would make nightingales blush-"

"I wasn't talking to you, you ninny," Artemis snapped, "I was talking to Violet."

Legolas' lower lip began to quiver. His blue eyes flooded with tears. "Well," he sniffed, "Some of us cannot recognize true talent."

"You have a lovely voice, Legolas." Violet assured the weeping pansy, "Artemis, you really need to learn how to not be so cruel to people you don't like. Why don't you try toning down your insults, or better yet, just be polite and not say anything?"

"I don't mean to," Artemis retorted, "It just comes out. Normally the people who I am insulting don't give a care and would probably do the same to me." He remembered how once one of his enemies mocked him by reminding him that Artemis was a girl's name.

"The one place you don't want to be impolite is when you are stuck in a situation in which you cannot escape and you are trapped with very irritable people. They have a way with plotting against you and making you walk the plank or slapping you across the face even though you didn't deserve it." Jack called from his agricultural conversation. I might ask you, dear readers, to remember this fact in life. It isn't very wise when you are stuck in places like a broken-down elevator, a deserted island, or a dog pen; to irritate the people or animals in which you are stuck with- because they will more than likely try t eat you.

Artemis paused. He noticed Violet was having some trouble carrying her machine she had been building. "It that heavy?" he asked.

"A little," Violet replied.

"Well, I could carry it for you for a while… if you want me to," he said, looking down. Violet smiled, and handed over the cumbersome device.

"You see?" she smiled, "A little practice and you're getting better at being nice already."

"Hey! Why don't you ever offer to carry some of these rum bottles I've been hauling?" Jack cried. Legolas hushed him.

"Don't interrupt their moment." He said.

"You call that a moment?" Jack cried. "A moment is where you have a lass backed up to a wall and she's kissing you feverishly and you're starting to show her your tattoo on your-"

Legolas picked up a rock and threw it at Jack's shoulder with admirable accuracy. Jack stumbled back.

"Chest! I was going to say chest!" Jack said, picking up the same rock and hurdling it at Legolas. Legolas fell onto the sand, and threw a whole bunch of rocks at him at super speed, grinning. Jack picked up a large rock, and threw it at Artemis' head. Artemis cursed, and whirled around.

"I've been wanting to do that." Jack grinned. Artemis dropped Violet's invention, snatched Van Helsing's crossbow, and started loading it. Jack stopped grinning, and made a mad dash ahead. Artemis followed him, cocking the gun in his direction.

"Hey! He's got my crossbow!" Van Helsing cried. Legolas looked at him.

"You sure are robust, but you're not very quick in the head, are you?" he asked.

"That boy is dangerous with a weapon!" Van Helsing dashed after them. Legolas shrugged, and skipped after them as well. Violet sighed, picked up her invention, and walked behind them.

"Don't take it seriously, mate! It was only a joke!" Jack cried, racing through the jungle. He had swerved into the forest to try to lose his predator. Artemis was catching up to him, and shot the crossbow. A silver stake whizzed by Jacks ear. Jack yelped, and reached for his gun, but remembered how all his weapons had disappeared when those perverted wizards went away. He sweared, before dodging several little boomerang-like knives.

"Take it easy!" he wailed.

Artemis said nothing. His dark eyes were wild, his jet black hair mussed from waving in the wind, He wasn't thinking anymore- his mind had tapped into an assassin-like killing mode. He didn't hear Jack's pleas. He took aim, and shot another stake, missing. Jack suddenly stopped, catching Artemis by surprise and pulling him out of assassin mode. He slammed into him. "Wha-" he started, but stopped. Van Helsing caught up to them, his chest heaving, snatched the crossbow away, then stared as well as sight before him. It was a hut. And in the corner of one of the branch-paned windows peeked a frightened face- staring right back at them.

Author's Note: Okay readers, I need your help. I have a bad case of writer's block and have no idea where to go next. I'm stuck! –sniffle- If you could give me a few ideas, I'd be greatly obliged. WHY! Of all the plagues a writer can get, why writer's block sweet Lord?

Thanks,

anotherblastedromantic