Author's Note: 'Ello 'ello! How are my wonderful readers? Good? Bored? Insane? Well, that makes three of us. You, me, and my friend Cornelius. What? You don't see him? Heh. Thank you for your reviews. To whereartthou: ohhh, thank you! I've never had someone grovel at my feet before! I've groveled, but I'm not a… uh… groveled… person! To Cheorl: Van Helsing ROCKS! Who cares if he got bad ratings! I luv you, Hugh Jackson! Watch it, I advise you. To Frisky Muffin: You noticed! Now there's three of us who know I'm insane- me, you, and Cornelius… you don't see him either? Okay, this chapter's a little long… but I have good news! Three people make a wardrobe change, two quote poetry, and another two do an excerpt of a popular Broadway show! Are you excited? Good! LET'S GO!

Chapter Five, Part Two

Violet Baudelaire was in a bit of a mess. Well, she was used to it by now. Ever since her parents died and her siblings and she inherited their enormous fortune, block-headed villains had been out to kill/marry/adopt her since she was fourteen. But three years of quit-witted escape plans had kept her on her toes. Yet now she found herself in an extremely difficult position. She had been walking on the beach, carrying her water-purification device, when all of a sudden she heard a bunch of yelling, and saw a crowd of native-looking people charging up on her. Her instinct was to drop the device and run, however, one person carrying a slingshot hurled a stone at her head with admirable accuracy like her Elvin friend Legolas, and everything went black. When she woke up, she found herself dressed in strange native clothes with some sort of smelly paint smeared under her eyes, forehead, and lips. It tasted like cherry. She was never fond of cherry. There was a guard standing post under what looked like a tent she and he were in. Her hands and feet were tied to the posts of the platform she was laying on. If there were no guard, she could probably find a way to get her self out of this. The guard was clutching a spear. That could easily cut the ropes. But how to get the guard unconscious? Violet pondered. If she could only reach into her pocket and tie up her hair with a ribbon so she could think, but alas, she didn't even know where her ragged old dress was. Wait! An idea popped into her head. She remembered how she and her younger sibling Klaus would always have trouble sleeping when a storm rolled by in their childhood, and their mother always would have a remedy that never failed.

"At midnight, in the month of June,
I stand beneath the mystic moon.
An opiate vapor, dewy, dim,
Exhales from out her golden rim,
And, softly dripping, drop by drop,
Upon the quiet mountain top,
Steals drowsily and musically
Into the universal valley." She said, in a slow, soothing voice. The guards eyelids drooped. His head began to nod. Violet continued:
"The rosemary nods upon the grave;
The lily lolls upon the wave;
Wrapping the fog about its breast,
The ruin molders into rest;
Looking like Lethe, see! the lake
A conscious slumber seems to take-"

The guard fell forward onto the platform, burying his head in Violet's stomach. He started to snore. Violet arched her back to dodge the spear that was leaning against the platform now. She craned her neck and used her teeth to use the spear to untie her right hand, and then she untied her left and her feet.

"The Sleeper by Edgar Allen Poe," she yawned. "Never, ever fails."

"I cannot believe I'm doing this," Artemis grumbled behind Dr. Gantus' closet.

"Just come out, you sissy." Jack called. Artemis slowly stepped out, dressed in a woman's tunic. They had tied some coconuts to his chest under the dress to make him look more, well, you know. His face was downcast.

"Do you know how degrading this is." He said to the floor.

"Oh please. You obviously have never been to San Francisco." Legolas said, flipping his hair. He had tribal paint slapped on to his pretty face, making him look more like a Revlon model than ever.

Dr. Gantus wrapped a scarf around Artemis' head, putting some squashed berry paint on his lips and red powder on his cheeks. "You both look great," he said. There was an awkward silence before all three men who were not in drag burst out in hysterical laughter. Legolas held his chin up, but Artemis chose to bury his head in his hands.

"Don't do that, you'll smear your makeup," Jack said, holding back tears of laughter.

"Let's just go out there, rescue Violet, and get this over with," Artemis gritted his teeth. He was going to be scarred for the rest of his life.

As they made their way up the mountain, Van Helsing said, "You know, I think you've gotten a little bit tan. That sage looks great with your complexion." He let out a deep, throaty laugh. Artemis wondered about what might happen if he shoved a stone down his big, manly throat.

"Well, I think this baby blue looks wonderful on me. And it matches my eyes." Legolas picked up his skirts and leaped over a puddle.

"Let's go over the plan, shall we?" Artemis snapped.

"Let's. The object is that you two go in and distract the Tiki-tikis with your freakishness. While they're trying to figure out what in the name of God is your sex or rather species, we'll go in and search for Violet."

"How do we know where to look for her?"

"She'll probably be in some sort of tent. Be prepared to fight off some guards. The Tikis like to protect and prepare their sacrifice to perfection."

"If they've laid one finger on her, I'll-" Artemis started bravely.

"You'll what? Throw some lipstick at him?" Jack cackled. Thus comment started an eruption of more hysterical laughter. Artemis looked away.

"What's so important about this Violet girl, anyway?" Gantus asked.

"She has impeccable beauty to match her impeccable wisdom." Van Helsing said.

"That, and she's the only other intelligent, sane being living on this island." Artemis said.

"She's the friendliest, most understanding person I've ever met." Legolas said.

"She has really nice br…" Jack glanced at the raised eyebrows of the group, "uh, brains."

"Sounds like some sort of Greek goddess. Perhaps a combination of Athena and Hestia." Gantus stopped, and turned to Artemis. "You do know that Artemis was a goddess, right?"

Artemis sighed. "This day can't get much worse."

Violet was taking a peek outside to find the best way into the forest without being seen. The natives were building up a big fire now, and some of them had started chanting. The guard was still asleep. She hoped the four other men were not in harm. They had a way of getting themselves in trouble or just being thickheaded. The guard started to stir.

"And would not, for the world, awake.
All Beauty sleeps!–and lo! where lies
Irene, with her Destinies!" Violet soothed, and the guard rolled over, sucking his thumb. Violet sighed. This was going to be a tedious escape.

Legolas and Artemis approached the chanting crowd casually. "What do we do?" Legolas hissed.

"Act normal for now." Artemis hissed back. They started to chant the weird sayings with the dancing people. Legolas noticed it sounded similar to angst-y elfin rock songs he had listened to in his earlier youth.

"Eema ooga chaka winga eye lyke chiken newdels wit gravy." They sang.

"Anna banana fee fi fo fanna mannah slamma go 'Bama Get 'Er Done-" Legolas chanted. This was getting fun. However, people were starting to stare at him. Was it because he was acting ridiculous or was it because he was so pretty? He thought it was the latter, because a large hairy man with bones woven into his hair walked up to him and gave him a slap on his tight, gym-worked butt. The slap was so hard Legolas had to clutch his coconuts to keep them from bouncing out. Artemis snickered.

"Eeda neeka leeka bisceets awr gewd wit jam." He grunted, giving Legolas a toothless smile. Legolas whimpered.

"Fama?" the fat man demanded. The crowd pushed closer, echoing the strange word.

"Uh, shnooble laka… saka… bing bong." Legolas said. The fat man paused, and let out a big, rumbling laugh. He picked up Legolas, tossed him over his shoulder, and started carrying him to a tent. The crowd erupted in laughter. Legolas was terribly pale behind his makeup. "Save… me…" he whimpered. Artemis was deciding whether or not to laugh evilly or go over there and save him. Suddenly, Van Helsing appeared, took one of the torches igniting the fire, and set fire to a line of tents and huts. The crowd quickly transistioned from laughter to screams of fear. Like a mass of ants when you pour water on their hill, huge chaos being to ensue. People ran around, shouting, and Artemis followed the fat man, still holding on to Legolas. He grabbed a spear poking out from one of the tents, and turned around, checking to see if anyone was following him, backing into someone. He yelped, and wheeled around, clutching the spear, to see an equally frightened Violet.

"V- Violet?" he asked incredulously. "I thought you were-"

Violet stared at him for a moment, before cracking a huge grin. "Artemis? Is that you underneath all that makeup?"

Artemis looked down. "Oh, no…"

Violet began to laugh. It was strange, but nice. Normally Violet didn't laugh to much. At least he lifted her spirits. "Why on earth are you dressed like a girl?" she asked.

"I was coming to rescue you, obviously." Artemis shot back. "But you clearly don't need my help, so-"

"You destroyed your manly dignity to rescue me?" Violet asked, still grinning. "That's so sweet. Nobody's ever done that for me before."

"Well, don't expect me to do it again-" Artemis said, before Violet kissed him quickly on the cheek. She blushed, and looked down. Artemis had a feeling he was rather red as well. "Come on," he said, grabbing her hand, "lets go rescue our elf from the perverted fat man."

"Yes, let's… wait… what?"

Legolas had seen some scary things in the War of the Ring. He had seen the Lair of the Dead, he had seen Sauron's wrath, he had seen wring wraiths, but this was the most terrifying thing of all. A fat, sweaty heathen man was carrying him into a tent to do who knows what kind of unspeakable horrors to him. Why, why did he let himself dress up like a woman? He was unnaturally attractive from the beginning, but when he dressed up like a woman his beauty was greater than Aphrodite's. It was only human to not resist him, but why, why this fat man?

"Please, let me go," Legolas pleaded.

"Ooga mega naka loogy." The man replied, entering the tent. He placed Legolas on a sweaty cot. Suddenly, two figures emerged from the outside.

"Take your hands off our fop!" one declared in a thick Irish accent.

"Yes, or we'll… wait… Legolas? Why am I not surprised…"

The fat man squinted. "Shaka naka meatballs?" he asked incredulously, looking at the two feminine figures holding spears. "Drana shneeko veela!"

Violet held the spear in front of Artemis and her. "Stay back, and just give us our elf." She said slowly. The fat man took hold of the spear, and broke it in two. Violet stared at her blunted weapon. "Right," she said, tossing it aside.

"Wooga ooga chic fihlehy!" the fat man roared, advancing towards Violet. Artemis quickly pulled out a coconut from his chest and hurled it at him with force. It bounced off the man's head. The man took it up, staring it with great confusion. Artemis hurled another at him. It did no damage.

"Drat, his skull us so thick it won't do any damage!" Artemis said, backing into a corner.

"And I doubt even Edgar Allen Poe won't be able to put him out."

"Wait…" Artemis pondered, and spoke in a drilling monotone:

"Inter their bodies as becomes their births:

Proclaim a pardon to the soldiers fled

That in submission will return to us:

And then, as we have ta'en the sacrament,

We will unite the white rose and the red:

Smile heaven upon this fair conjunction,

That long have frown'd upon their enmity!

What traitor hears me, and says not amen?

England hath long been mad, and scarr'd herself;

The brother blindly shed the brother's-"

The fat man wavered, and fell forward toward Violet, Artemis grabbing her out of the way. There was a great crash. "blood?" Artemis finished. Legolas leaped over the fat man, grabbing a spear lying by the exit.

"Last scene of King John by Shakespeare," Violet breathed, "I never would have guessed."

"Well, his comedies were all right, but his histories are in my opinion more tedious than watching a snail give birth." Artemis said, ushering them all out of the tent. People were running and screaming everywhere, rushing down the mountain to the beach to put the fire out. The would-be sacrifice, the elf clinging to his dress, and the quickly-becoming-courageous Irish boy ran towards the forest. Van Helsing caught up with them, putting away his scissor-hurling-spinney things, and pulling out his gun. Dr. Gantus came running up with a bag of what looked like food and herbs, and Jack came swinging from a vine, with a native girl tossed over his shoulder.

"Eeka neeka blasty fama shoola!" she screeched. Jack put her down, only to get a slap on the face that sent him whirling. The native girl walked briskly off.

"Fine, princess, just walk away! But just know that no girl has ever walked away from Captain Jack Sparrow the Savvy without crawling back for more!" he shouted, and stopped. "Well, there was always Elizabeth. And Fran. And Tina. And Tamir-Bashana-Haba'ah." He shrugged, and kept running.

"I think we've lost them," Dr. Gantus said, slowing down. "You've angered the Tikis. They don't like to have their sacrifices stolen, and they especially don't like having their homes damaged by women who aren't really women."

"And I doubt that fat man won't be too happy with us for stealing his girlfriend." Artemis grinned evilly. It was more evil now than his usual werewolf/vampire smile. Legolas tossed his hair, and pulled up his dress.

"You can hide in my hut for now. Now that there are six of us, I think we should build a boat to get off this place," Gantus said, getting that wild look in his eye.

"How do you propose we do that?"

"With wood from the forest, natural supplies, and scrap metal."

"Metal? Where are you going to get-" Van Helsing stopped. "No. No way are you going to tear apart my Scaper."

"It's useless now. Like I said, the engine's shot and the wings are dented. If we tear it up and use it for parts of a boat, then it will be of much more use to all of us." Gantus said.

Van Helsing sighed, and nodded.

"Well, at least you're not in a dress," Artemis said, trying to sound sympathetic.

"Yes, at least you've got your dignity. Artemis doesn't look good as a boy or a girl. Maybe he's a hermaphrodite." Legolas said.

"You should talk," Jack said, grinning up and down at the feminine man clutching a dress and smoothing his lipstick.

"Artemis is not a hermaphrodite," Violet said sternly. "And I wish you would stop picking on him. And that goes for Legolas too-"

"I am PROUD of my godly beauty!"

"If we keep taunting each other like this, we'll all go clinically insane." Violet continued.

"Well, most of us are already there," Artemis said, glancing at Jack and Dr. Gantus, who was talking to himself about bunnies.

"Why, Violet," said Jack, sprouting a charming gold-toothed smile, "I didn't realize you had changed from that raggedy little dress. May I say you look stunning in those island clothes. Like a Tequila Sunrise-" he took her hand and twirled her around. Violet blushed.

"I think you've had too much to drink, old chap," Artemis snarled, jerking Violet away.

"Yes, let Artemis have some of the spirits, captain. You've had your fair share of fine wines." Legolas said, grinning wickedly.

"I thought Artemis was too young to drink." Van Helsing said.

"Well that depends if you're from America or England/Northern Ireland/Ireland, where you have to be 16-17." Dr. Gantus said.

"How did you know that?"

"I did quite a bit of drinking myself on the merry ol' island in my youth-"

"Are we talking about alcohol or women?"

"I can't remember…"

Violet groaned, and buried her head in her hands.

With the weapons they had stolen from the Tiki-tiki grounds, the six went on a little hunting spree. (Van Helsing used his own, of course.) It began to be a sort of contest on who would bring back the biggest animal. The group separated into three pairs: Violet with Artemis (upon Legolas' urging… well, what did ya expect?) Jack with Legolas, and Van Helsing with Dr. Gantus.

"Keep moving, pansy." Jack grunted, slashing through trees.

"Will you stop calling me that? You humans have such a lack of vocabulary. And you need to stop making so much noise- you're scaring away the animals."

"What animals? There isn't anything out here other than bird dung." Jack said, dodging a smelling pile.

"That's an awfully big bird," Legolas said, getting down on the ground. He examined the pile of poo. "I believe it's fresh." He looked up, and grabbed his spear, taking hold of a tree. Silently, swiftly, he climbed up the tree like a cat. Crouching on one of the branches, Legolas leaped to another branch, and another, and then a vine. Taking a firm hold of it with his hands and feet, he hurled the spear at something covered in leaves. The thing squawked, went rigid, and fell from the sky. It landed in front of Jack with a thunk. It was a large, brown bird. Quite fat. Legolas slid down the rope, falling several yards, and landing with almost no sound on his feet and hands in the crouching position. Jack stared at him with an open mouth. Legolas stood, and flipped his mane.

"Well you've just regained your manly respect!" Jack shouted, grinning.

"I'm an elf. You're a human," Legolas said, yawning. "What can I say."

But secretly he was loving the praise.

"So the lake monster's weakness is his armpit?" Van Helsing asked with interest.

"Indeed. The scales cover all of his body excepting the inseams coming down his shoulders, under his arms, and down his legs. The pit is a very vulnerable spot. I would suggest the sniper gun."

"You know, a funny thing happened with that gun of mine-" Van Helsing said, chuckling. "It was a rainy day, and I was battling the swamp monster, as usual…"

Dr. Gantus stopped. He felt something tighten around his ankle. He slowly looked down to the pattern of a thick diamond-printed snake, wrapping around him. "S-s-s…" he stuttered.

"And then the swamp monster said-"

"S-s-s…" the snake wrapped tightly around his legs.

"And then I shot at his-"

The snake was now wrapped around his arms.

"And then his voice was all high and he said-"

"SNAKE!" Dr. Gantus yelped, before the snake covered his mouth.

Van Helsing promptly turned around, chucked a whirly-star-thingy at it, barely missing Gantus' head. Gantus flinched, his body tight, and the snake loosened, uncoiled, and fell at his feet. Van Helsing walked over, tossed the thing over his should and continued, "So then he said, 'hey, that's personal,' and I said, 'your mother's personal!' and he said, 'my mother's dead'-"

"You know I've read a lot of books in my time, and I mean a lot, but I don't think I've ever read a 'How to Survive in the Wild or On a Deserted Island' book. And if I have, I've probably forgotten it." Artemis said. "I sure wish I could've read one recently."

"My brother, Klaus, is a beyond superb reader. He's read almost every book in our old library, and was going to finish off the last ones in a few weeks. That was before villainous pyromaniacs set our house aflame and then we were lurched into a series of unfortunate…" Violet paused.

"Events?" Artemis ventured.

"I was going to say 'and altogether depressing, tedious happenings leading down a curving road to nowhere on a deserted island,' but yours works too."

Artemis paused. Girls could be so fickle sometimes.

"Anyway, once I buy a house for my siblings, we'll purchase a whole ocean of books. So many that you can lock yourself up in a room and read till your old and grey and your teeth fall out." Violet said, getting a fiery look in her eye. She seemed determined to fight against the nonexistent thing that held her from achieving her well-deserved happiness. Artemis never really had experienced total and complete misery: after all, when one is a super-genius, one tends to eliminate useless emotion from the psyche to keep distractions away, and so block out sadness, jealousy, and… possibly affection? Artemis shook this thought from his head. "You know, once we do get off this island- er, when you find your siblings and buy that big house, I could… um… lend some of my books to you and your brother… if you want…"

Violet looked at him with raised eyebrows.

"Well, I mean, because I've read all of them at least twice now, so… um…" Artemis sighed. Once again he was stuttering like some sort of baboon. For a boy who knew 53 languages, why couldn't he speak his own at the moment? Violet smiled.

"That would be perfect. And if you want, you can come over some time and… uh… my little sister can cook for us."

"An inventor, a researcher, and a cook. What an interesting combination. How old is she, exactly?"

"She'll be four next month."

"Four?"

"Yes."

"Impressive. What are her favorite ingredients?"

"Boar."

"Well, it's an acquired taste. I myself prefer-"

"No really." Violet said, pointing. "Boar."

Artemis followed her finger. He clutched the spear in his hand, narrowing his gaze on the fat beast. It was nuzzling it's snout in some sort of fungi, gorging itself. Artemis looked closer. He looked like a boar under Sus scrofa species, possibly. Violet was already creeping up to it, keeping behind trees. Artemis followed her, but stepped on a twig. The pig looked up, staring straight at Artemis. Artemis and Violet both lunged, knocking into one another and nearly stabbing themselves in the process. The boar ran for his life, Artemis and Violet following. Artemis had a good head on the boar from behind, so Violet decided since she was the faster runner she would run ahead and get the boar from the side. She disappeared into the trees, keeping a firm eye on the prey and its pursuer. Artemis ran the boar to the left, and when the boar was coming her way she stopped suddenly and plunged the spear into its thick, hairy skin. The boar squealed in out rage, trying to attack her with his tusks. Artemis chose then to put the creature out of its misery at spear it in the neck, pushing the thing through till it came out bloody on the other side. With a retired bodyguard trained in the military forces, he had learned little tidbits of information on how to crudely kill a person by damaging a certain artery in the neck. He supposed stabbing the thing like a shish kabob would do the trick. However, if he had his technology here he could find some cleaner, quicker way to kill the beast. However, if he had his technology here he could've gotten off this island the minute he found himself washed upon it. Anyway, the beast slowed its movements, finally coming to a halt. A steady stream of blood had poured out and was now gathering in a puddle at their feet.

"Come on," Artemis said, putting his foot on the carcass and pulling the spear out. Violet took its hind legs and Artemis took the front, carrying the pork back to the camp.

"This is truly wonderful!" Dr. Gantus said, putting more wood onto the fire. "Just wonderful. I would've never caught this much food by myself. And it only took a couple of hours! We can eat some of it tonight, and start drying and salting the rest for the journey home." He tossed another stick in.

"Home?" Violet asked hopefully.

"Why yes, my dear. We are going to build a boat and sail out into the deep blue sea."

"Ah, the ocean. My first true love," Jack sighed dreamily.

"Well, do we know where we're going?" Van Helsing asked.

"Northwest. I remember from looking at that atlas. There are a cluster of islands around South America. And we're southeast from there, if our theory is correct. We just sail in a steady direction and something should come up."

"And if nothing does?"

"Then we will be forced to eat ourselves alive," Gantus said cheerily. Everyone sat in silence for a minute, eyeing whom to eat first.

Finally, Van Helsing spoke up. "Should we be building this fire? Won't the natives see the smoke?"

"Don't worry about the natives. If they come down here, we'll use the camouflage. Now, let's cook some meat," Gantus said hungrily. Jack and Legolas started to cut up bits of the snake, tossing them on a burning board of wood to sizzle. Jack dumped a hearty helping of the berry stuff "to marinate it." Violet talked with Dr. Gantus about inventing while cutting up a tropic mushroom to also throw in the fire. And Van Helsing and Artemis went outside to gather more firewood.

"We caught some big meat today," Van Helsing bragged.

"Well, not as big as our Sus scrofa," Artemis bragged back.

"I bet you tripped on your spear and it landed on the piglet," Van Helsing laughed.

"No. We planned an organized attack route on the enemy and expertly executed it." Artemis said. Van Helsing continued to scoff. "Well what'd you do to kill your garden snake, flex your muscles at it?"

Van Helsing glared at Artemis. "Maybe." Artemis glared back. Suddenly, a chord appeared. Artemis stepped forward into a magical limelight.

"WHAT IS THIS FEELING, SO SUDDEN, AND NEW?" he sang.

"I FELT THE MOMENT I LAID EYES ON YOU..." Van Helsing sang, stepping into another light.
"MY PULSE IS RUSHING..."
"MY HEAD IS REELING ... "
"MY FACE IS FLUSHING ..."
Then, they both began to sing in tenor-baritone harmony, "WHAT IS THIS FEELING? FERVED AS A FLAME
DOES IT HAVE A NAME?
YEEEEEEES:
LOATHING
UNADULTERATED LOATHING ..."
"FOR YOUR FACE-"

"YOUR VOICE."
"YOUR CLOTHING ..."
Again, they both sang, "LET'S JUST SAY -- I LOATHE IT ALL!
EV'RY LITTLE TRAIT, HOWEVER SMALL
MAKES MY VERY FLESH BEGIN TO CRAWL
WITH SIMPLE UTTER LOATHING-" suddenly, they broke into a jazz-hands kick-step- very Broadway. A nice accompaniment began to play. Who was playing it, don't ask me. "-THERE'S A STRANGE EXHILARATION
IN SUCH TOTAL DETESTATION
IT'S SO PURE! SO STRONG!
THOUGH I DO ADMIT IT CAME ON FAST
STILL I DO BELIEVE THAT IT CAN LAST
AND I WILL BE LOATHING
LOATHING YOU
MY WHOOOOOLE LIFE LONG!"

"What on earth are you two doing out there?" a voice yelled from the hut. Artemis and Van Helsing broke out of their jazz-routine, shoving their hands in their pockets.

"I love that musical," Van Helsing commented quietly.

"Me too." Artemis agreed. They walked back to the hut in silence after that.

Author's Note: Well? Well? What did you think? Once again, I'm sorry it was so long, but there was so much to write! Did you like my Wicked duet? To those of you out there who love the musical as much as me: heh. I couldn't resist. This is really sad- I'm writing all this made-up stuff about surviving in the wild. I'm going to die if I ever get forced to live in the wild. How does Aragorn do it:) Thanks again for your reviews! Day 6 coming up!