Author's Note: Part two of chapter… uh, wait… eight for my fantastic readers! Actually, in reality it is chapter twelve, but… never mind. First things first- reviews! To Vagrant Candy: Yes, garden gnomes can be terrifying at some times. But then again, so can mechanical puppets at Disneyland who sing repetitious and frightening songs over and over and over and over… twitch…. To shadowglove: Yes… I believe I will make another wardrobe change in this chapter. Yay for tunics! To Redberry Greenleaf: Golly, I don't know… I hope not. Ketchup, like corn, is a nice food that goes with almost any meal. But now whenever I eat fries with it I will think of my deranged scientist character wishing to make love with my favorite Baudelaire orphan and it won't be the same. (shudder) To Captain Arianna Trouble: COMMANDER ROOT GETS BLOWN UP! Gasp! Now I'm even more confused. And on the experimental drugs- I actually might like to be green for a little bit. Now, all I need is a broom and a superb voice… To meowbooks: Yah, I don't like to use lol either. But thank you for the compliment. I am honored. To Arsinoe Selene: Ya think that's good? Wait till you read this chapter. Fwahaha… To Cheorl: There are many things for you to gain when you are proclaimed critically insane. I love to rhyme, don't you? To JohnnyDBabe: Right-o. Keep laughing. Laughter is good for the soul. (tries to poke in demon horns) To Frisky Muffin: Think about all the lovable yet insane characters there are in this world. Captain Jack Sparrow. Johnny Depp. Dustin Hoffman playing in Rain Man. Tim Burton. The Phantom of the Opera. Michael Jackson. Ew, scratch that, I don't like him. Keep up with your prescriptions. To whereartthou: The last few chapters are a mixture of both boat and islands and such. The story and plot is stuck on an island, but the climax and falling action is getting off and returning home. Which reminds me….
Readers, I know we're having fun, but as I will be starting school again in a week the next chapter will probably be the last. I will be very busy and will not be able to update as fast as I'd like to, and I'd feel really guilty all the time and you'd go as crazy as me from all the wait and I don't want to do that to you. Even though being insane is quite exciting at most times. I've been thinking about a sequel or something later, but I don't know. It's up to you all. If you have any suggestions, feel free to shoot. Not with guns, mind you! Anyway, just wanted to let ya know. Okay, part two!
Chapter Eight, Part Two
A crowd of people were gathering at the shore, staring and whispering. Van Helsing dropped anchor (a large rock). The fat man stepped aboard the ship, causing it to sink about two more feet into the beach.
"I am Tom-Ton Kilani, the chief of this island. I welcome you as not guests but friends to our island. Unless you are one of those obnoxious tourist-realtors that keep coming up to build resorts here-"
At that, the rowers grabbed their spears and held them at the ready, scowling.
"We are not tourists or realtors. We were shipwrecked on an island several days from here, and are on our way home. We wish to stop, rest, and re-supply, and we will be on our way." Jack said in a very calm voice. The fat man nodded to the armed men, who lowered their spears.
"Very well! Stay as long as you like. We are a friendly people, and do not get many visitors as mannered as you."
"Ah, but I see you speak very nice English," observed Dr. Gantus, who had recovered from his… problem.
"That is because we are half-English. Our ancestors come from the Falkland Islands."
"Really?" Artemis asked, "We are trying to get there. Please, how far is it from here?"
"Not a two-days journey. We are east of them. What is your dialect, it sounds similar to ours?"
"Irish. An island northwest to England. Way up in the northern part of the world." Artemis tried not to get too specific. He didn't know if this Tom-Ton Kilani was also civil in the field of geography.
"I know of Great Britain, but I am not as well acquainted with Ireland. No matter. You look plenty British to me," he gave the boy a good slap on the back. Despite Artemis' healthy color, his body frame was still a bit weak, causing him to tumble forward. Tom-Ton Kilani rumbled a deep laugh, holding his jiggling belly. "I like this boy. What did you say your name was?"
"Fowl. Artemis… Fowl." Artemis said, trying to compose himself. "The second," he added. He should get back in the habit of that now that he wasn't stuck on some floating asylum with people who had no idea of his- or his family's- importance and wealth.
Some of the islanders had ventured forward, and had gathered around Legolas. They started stroking his glorious sunshine-colored mane, and poking at his pointy ears.
"A great pardon, my fair lady. We do not get females of such wondrous beauty on our island." Tom-Ton Kilani bowed.
Legolas sighed. He hoped this wasn't another gruesome-obese-gender-confused-mentally-scarring moment. "I'm a man," he said, somewhat regretfully. Tom-Ton Kilani stepped back, choosing to turn to Violet.
"Are you a man too?" he asked, looking her up and down. Violet blushed.
"Why, er… no." she said. Tom-Ton Kilani grinned, and made a low bow to her. "I'm Violet Baudelaire. It's a pleasure to meet you, Chief Kilani." She extended her hand, unsure of if she should curtsy or bow back. The chief took her hand, and kissed it. Violet smiled. It was nice to see people who exercised manners regularly. Strange it would be native islanders.
"I'm Gabriel Van Helsing. We thank you once again for your hospitality." Van Helsing said, bowing. Artemis couldn't help but smirk. Always trying to show off his manliness, in every situation. Quite predictable. The chief bowed back.
"And I am Prince Legolas Greenleaf, son of King Thranduil, heir to the throne of Mirkwood." Said Legolas grandly, and added, "who has bloody good fashion sense too," at this, the crowd of girls around him giggled, leading him off into the island.
"And I'm Captain Jack Sparrow, the captain of our… er… ship." It occurred to Jack that they hadn't named the ship. Must think on that.
"I am greatly impressed with your sailing skills. Many that sail here undergo furious storms and horrid weather. It must have been a large bother to get here."
"Um, not rea-"
"Quite a bother," Dr. Gantus smiled, pushing Jack out of the way. "I am Doctor Ophilius Gantus. I've been recently trying to find a cure for a certain fever that has plagued many lands. Tell me, does the shmokydoky berry grow on this paradise?"
The chief turned to an old woman, murmuring some words. "Eele neka fahili shmokydoky?"
The old woman's knobby features slowly twisted into a crooked smile. Jack watched, fascinated. It was like watching one of those kaleidoscopes, only with skin. She said some more words in that other language. The chief threw back his head and laughed, his belly jiggling once more. "Sure enough, we do! It is the berry that we put in our drinks at festivities with alcohol! Sends us quite giddy."
"Really? Do tell!" said Jack and Gantus simultaneously. The chief chuckled, continuing on with the tour. The island was beautiful, much like the island they had been forced on before, only everything seemed brighter, safer. Occasionally people passed by; a woman with a basket on her head, two children chasing a frog. Jack stooped to ruffle the little boy's hair, whilst the girl stopped in her chase to hand Violet a flower. The people of the island had a freshwater canal system, irrigating their crops. Van Helsing suspected British settlers had imported them from their own blessed island. (God Save the Queen!)
"Now, we are preparing a great feast in your honor. The whole village has come to see you. There will be eating, drinking, dancing, and the Great Game of Mystery."
"Ooh! I love games! What's the Great Game of Mystery?" Gantus asked, clapping his hands. Violet stepped a couple feet away, fearing he was having another diverse-reality moment.
"It is an ancient game played by our ancestors. It calls forth the most wise, quick-witted, and clever of our people in a story filled with passion, greed, and murder."
"Sounds awfully thrilling," said Violet, eyes aglow.
"Indeed. It is one of our most prized possessions. But we cannot talk! Already it is half-past noon. Come, you will wash and we will supply you with new clothes. Let our men worry about stocking your boat. It is time for you to relax,"
When Tom-Ton Kilani said relax, he meant it. If relaxing came in coffee cups sold at Starbucks (all rights reserved), indeed- the chief would have chosen Venti (if you don't drink Starbucks, firstly what is wrong with you, and secondly Venti is the very big cup size). Anyway, the men were led by several giggling girls in tunics to separate huts, where they were given clean, clear water to bathe in. Artemis was very eager to get clean from all the sweat, makeup, green "medicine", and who knows what else on him, and wanted immediately to be left to his privacy. The others, however, were slower to leave the ladies, taking time to show them their nice, manly chests The girls in Jacks hut were fascinated by the wiggling tattoos all over Jack's tanned body, whereas Gantus' was just kind of hairy, so the girls in his tent left, a little disgusted, and went into Van Helsing's hut.
Violet was shown to a little secluded pond where most women came to bathe. The pond was left empty for Violet's use. Violet smiled, shedding her clothes and stepping into the cool, clean water. She liked being treated like royalty, as opposed to a loaded orphan or the only hot breathing female on the premises. On that thought, she checked to see if any peeping Toms were about.
Once Van Helsing was finished with his pleasurable wash, he grabbed some pants and a lightweight shirt sitting folded by the bath. The shirt showed off his admirable muscles. He exited the hut, finding Jack dressed in a similar outfit. His tattoos showed through his shirt as well. There was one tattoo showing through his unbuttoned collar.
"Winona Forever?" Van Helsing asked, reading it.
"I'd rather not talk about it," Jack said, glancing at his chest. Van Helsing shrugged, and the both of them walked on to meet a downcast-looking Gantus. He was wearing an orange tunic-robe over his pants and shirt.
"I heard shrieks of girlish laughter all the way from my hut. You could've kept them a little quieter." He said.
"The girls in my hut left after a while. They didn't shriek." Van Helsing said.
"Neither did mine. They just kind of sighed and poked around at my chest." Jack was grinning evilly.
"Then who-"
Another shriek of girly laughter was coming from a hut nearby. The three men ran to see what the commotion was. They looked inside to see a crowd of girls rubbing oil over a blissful-looking Legolas. Other girls settled to stroking, combing, weaving flowers into and/or braiding his blonde hair. Every now and then Legolas would giggle, saying, "Ooh, that tickles."
"You?" Gantus asked incredulously. Jack grabbed Legolas out of the water, threw a towel at him, and pushed him his tunic and pants.
"All right, Mr. Mojo, get out before you get all pruny," Jack grunted, exiting. Legolas shrugged, and donned his tunic. The girls looked rather disappointed.
They met Tom-Ton Kilani a little later. He led them to a big clearing, where a roaring bonfire was starting. Some men were playing various instruments, while women danced and sang. Artemis joined them, changed from his old, ragged Armani remains into a nice lightweight tunic shirt and pants. They passed around a drink from the shmokydoky berry, and Dr. Gantus started to explain all of his research on it, when Violet appeared. She was looking fresh and radiant; with a light tunic top with sleeves that came off her shoulders and a billowing, long lilac skirt. Her hair was no longer tied up in a damp ribbon, but now it came streaming down her shoulders in a raven wave, framing her smiling face. Artemis looked up at her and felt his stomach tie into knots, then flutter upward until he felt he had a big lump in his throat.
"Why Violet, don't you look like an island plumeria!" Jack smiled. There were no sleazy comments or attempts to get close. Everyone was surprised at this break though in Jack.
"Thank you," Violet said, fiddling with her sleeves.
"And now that you all are here, you must play the Great Game of Mystery!" Tom-Ton Kilani said. The villagers cheered, gathering as something that looked like the Arc of the Covenant was being carried to them. Carefully, two elders opened the arc, and pulled out a rectangular box. Everyone held their breath in anticipation. Not a sound was heard. Legolas craned his neck to take a gander upon the mysterious box, which had painted upon it….
I think this is a perfectly convenient time to tell you about the brown-throated three-toed sloth. Formally known as Bradypus variegates, this amazing species of sloth can take on a teal color with its brown, coarse hair in the rainier seasons when algae forms on its skin. Bradypus variegatus likes to dwell in the middle layers and the tops of trees where it hangs upside down from or sits on branches. They have uncommonly poor eyesight, and have a reputation of being shy, lazy, but nonetheless fascinating creatures. The brown-throated three-toed sloth's diet consists of… oh, all right, I get it. Back to the story….
Legolas sat back, not amused. "Are you kidding me?" he asked dryly.
Van Helsing looked up. "Clue? That's the Great Game of Mystery? Clue? That's incorrect on so many levels-"
"Hey, who doesn't like to play Clue?" Tom-Ton Kilani shrugged.
"He's got a point, you know."
"Alright, fine. Let's play. But I call Miss Scarlet!" Legolas said, grabbing the red piece.
"No. Violet has to be Miss Scarlet. It just works," Jack said, grabbing the piece and handing it to Violet.
"Ugh. She gets everything. Well, fine. Then I'm Mrs. Peacock." Legolas said, grabbing the blue piece.
"Fine. Then I'm Colonel Mustard." Van Helsing took the yellow and green pieces. "And I think Elphaba should be Mr. Green. It's befitting."
Artemis snatched the green piece from Van Helsing. Dr. Gantus picked up the purple piece. "I think I deserve Professor Plum."
"Good. So that's Ms. Scarlet, Prof. Plum, Col. Mustard, Mr. Green, Mrs. Peacock, which leaves…" Jack paused. "Wait… I'm Mrs. White! Why do I have to be the old maid? She's not sexy at all! That's not fair!"
"Life isn't fair, Captain. Get used to it," Artemis grinned his vampire grin. Jack's smooth brown eyes began to fill with tears and he started to sniff.
"Oh, don't be such a baby," Legolas said, glancing at his nails. "Oh, I hate having a broken nail. Life seems so empty without a clean, polished nail for my wittle pinky."
"If you like, captain, I'll be Mrs. White and you can be Miss Scarlet." Violet offered gently.
Jack sniffed. "But I w-wanted to b-be Mr. Green,"
"Oh, fine. Here, have it, you toddler." Artemis thrust the green piece at Jack and snatched the white piece away. Jack grinned, and clapped his hands.
"Hey! If he gets to switch his piece, I wanna switch too!" Legolas protested. Violet sighed, and handed over her red piece. "Oh, goody! I get Ms. Scarlet! Hooray!" Legolas bounced up and down, stroking the plastic child-hazard.
"Good. Now that you all have your pieces, let the mystery begin!" Tom-Ton Kilani boomed, clapping his hands.
After a while, everyone warmed up to each other and started to enjoy the classic whodunit board game. Jack played his way easily around the board, rolling sixes every time. Artemis suspected he had a hidden pair of loaded dice. After all, he was a pirate. Dr. Gantus had forgotten the rules of the game, and kept on shouting out possible suggestions having to do with the cards he didn't have in his deck. Legolas was a very careful player- he marked things down very subtly when it wasn't his turn. Van Helsing was having the time of his life.
"Six, seven, eight, and ha! Enter the Conservatory and go down to the secret passageway, into the kitchen! Woo-hoo!"
"That doesn't mean anything, Einstein. It's so obvious which cards are in the file. Based on the ratio of my deck, as compared to Gantus' ravings and the number of cards in the pack, the three cards are clearly-"
"For the last time, shut up! Just because you're a super-genius doesn't mean you have to ruin the game for everyone else!" Jack snapped, moving his piece to the Billiard Room. "Roll, Violet."
"Right. That's five. I think I'll go to the Ballroom. Dr. Gantus, your turn."
"Dum dee dum, ah yes! One, two, three, four… and now I'm going to go off on a limb and guess: was it Miss Scarlet, with the candlestick, in the Ballroom?"
Chief Kilani checked the file. "Mmm… no, I'm sorry. That is not correct. You are out."
The crowd groaned in disappointment. Legolas marked off something, and picked up the dice.
"C'mon, sixes. Sixes… sixes… yes! Into the basement I go… and now I'm going to make a guess too: was it Mr. Green, with the revolver, in the Conservatory?"
Tom-Ton Kilani checked again. A wide smile spread across his face. "Why, yes it is! You have correctly guessed all the cards! You are the Champion of Mystery!"
The villagers cheered, picking up Legolas and carrying him over to the bonfire. Kilani laughed at the crowd-surfing elf. "And now, we feast!"
It was a filling meal. Fresh oranges, mangos, bananas, melons, peaches, and other fruits were served along with corn, squash, cucumbers, and other vegetables. They had a lovely entre of some sort of sloth- Artemis identified it as a Bradypus variegatus.Quite milk mixed with the shmokydoky juice was given to the guests. While Artemis, Violet, and Van Helsing sipped theirs casually, the others were quick to chug theirs down. Soon, Jack and Legolas were back doing their old rendition of "Yo Ho, Yo Ho- A Pirate's Life For Me," again. They twirled around in a dosie-do, before doing a Hobbit-inspired drinking jig. The islanders seemed very amused by this. They laughed and sang along, clapping their hands, and some getting up to dance with them. Dr. Gantus stumbled up, doing a very nice impression of the moonwalk (all rights reserved to that albino pixie with the freaky nose).
"Come on, Violet, let's join in on the fun," Van Helsing grabbed Violet. "You come too, Elphie."
"Thanks, but no thanks," Artemis mumbled.
Van Helsing shrugged. "Suit yourself. But I personally think you're missing out, runt." And with that, he ran into the dancing circle, taking Violet with him. Violet kept looking back, giving a shy smile to Artemis.
"Maybe I am," Artemis said softly, taking a long drink.
After everyone had gotten tired of dancing, they settled down to hear a melodramatic tale of the War of the Ring, involving an inflamed eye in need of Visene, a possessed accessory, wussy short people in desperate need of a pedicure, and a lot of manly warriors off on a bloody, dramatic adventure. Everyone, including the people who had heard it before, listened with interest. Artemis watched Legolas describe some swanky wizard. It seemed that every time Legolas told the story, it seemed different than the one before. Sometimes it was a history, sometimes it was a comedy, sometimes it was a soppy romance, and sometimes it was just random slur. Funny how life worked out like that. He was so involved with the story that he almost didn't notice Violet creep up and sit beside him.
"It gets more and more off base every time he tells it, I'm beginning to wonder how it really happened," she whispered. Artemis cracked a grin.
"Maybe elves are just of that nature. All oral tradition. Way too proud to write it down."
Violet giggled. "By the way," she said slowly, "I never thanked you for standing up for me this morning when Gantus was having a loony moment."
Artemis did not take his eyes off the elf. "You didn't need it. You said it your self. I'll try to keep off next time, if that's what you mean."
"No, no, that's not what I mean at all!" Violet said, leaning more in his direction. Artemis turned his head to look at her. "Well, what I mean is… I really don't mind it."
Artemis raised an eyebrow. A usual trait. "You like the attention, do you?"
"Don't be coy with me. When I say I don't mind it, I mean… well, I mean I don't mind you doing it."
Artemis raised both eyebrows.
"Actually," she smiled, looking down, "I kind of like it. When you do it, that is."
Their fingers touched; a jolt running up and down both of their spines. Artemis shivered. "Well, in that case, I'll be sure to do it…" he looked at her, trailing off. "More… often…."
"Do," Violet said, barely above a whisper, looking back at him. "Do…."
The firelight danced in Artemis' dark eyes, making them look like black opals. Violet's hair was still down, casting shadows across her wide, amethyst eyes. The jolt was still buzzing in Artemis' normally quick-calculating head, but now he felt he had no control over his body as he pushed away a strand of her hair and let his hand rest on her neck below her jaw. They both leaned in unconsciously, their lips pressing against each other's in one slow, electrifying contact. For a split second- Jack, Gantus, drunk Legolas, Van Helsing, Tom-Ton Kilani, the island people, and the rest of the world disappeared. All there was was Artemis, Violet, the fire, and the soft ocean song. But when that second passed, their lips came apart as everyone noticed them and began to whoop, cheer, and whistle. Jack and Van Helsing (having recently decided that Artemis really was the best for Violet, and even though she was a very nice lass, she probably would've been happier with someone around her own age and intellect; besides, they were two men who were certainly well-rounded in the ways of women, and there were plenty of other well-rounded fish in the sea) where whooping and hollering, while Legolas snapped back to his normal, not-intoxicated self. He danced a spirited Elfin jig, before clasping both of their hands.
"Oh, you two adorable humans! I knew this would happen. I knew it! Oh, wait till I tell my fairy friend up in Haven about this. He'll just die! You two are going to be so happy! This calls for more of those shmokydoky drinks! Huzzah!"
The two young people smiled embarrassedly at Legolas, then at each other. Chief Kilani roused the dancing again, while some men tended to the fire, making it grow bigger than ever. The night trailed on happily, even with Gantus sometimes making random references to Monica, ketchup, and peas; and if you looked closely, you could see a boy and a girl enveloped in the shadow of a tree, watching the scene as if from afar, hands intertwined, the girl's head resting on the boy' shoulder. It would never be apparent of the complicated and somewhat depressing pasts of the couple, because now they looked safer and happier than they had ever been. Life has its perks, trails, and failures, but at the same time it has accomplishments, triumphs, and blessings. Funny how it's the blessings that in the end stick out in your memory at the end of it all.
Disclaimer: I do not own Captain Jack Sparrow, Violet Baudelaire, Artemis Fowl, Legolas Greenleaf, Van Helsing,or any of the characters related to their stories. I do not own Starbucks, I do not own the moonwalk, I do not own the Falkland Islands,I do not own Wicked/Wizard of Ozor any of the lyrics or characters, and I do not own the game of Clue, even though I think it is a bloody cool game. All rights are reserved to their owners or companies. However, I do own Dr. Ophilius Gantus, Chief Tom-Ton Kilani, and the nonexistent shmokydoky berry.