Inspired by the HP7.5 movie, and dedicated to my cool new owl tumbler. I know it's merchandise. Whatever. Hedwig is a cool owl. I dare you to say otherwise to her face.

Take 13

Hedwig bristled as Harry slouched into the Owlery, unconsciously cradling his arm protectively and glancing around in paranoia. As he lifted his arm to tie another letter around her leg, the sleeve of his too-large robes fell down, exposing thin red lines barely scabbed over.

It was the last feather that broke the owl's back.

How dare that woman touch her Harry?

… … … … … … …

Hedwig wanted revenge. Being the smart owl she was, she knew she could not accomplish the feat alone. To do that, she needed the help of a professional. And being the smart owl she was, she knew exactly who to ask.

At twelve midnight on the dot, Hedwig fluttered noiselessly into the Gryffindor Common Room. A pair of beady yellow eyes followed her path, its owner having received the message. Landing, the snowy owl proffered her gift for parlay – a single dead rat.

There was a swish of a ginger tail, and the rat disappeared down the gullet of a nimble Kneazle, who licked his paws contentedly. The gift was received and deemed adequate.

"Hoot," said Hedwig.

"Meow," replied Crookshanks.

"Hoot hoot hoot," offered Hedwig.

"Meow meow meow meow," Crookshanks made his views known.

"Hoot hoot, hoot hoot hoot, hoot hoot hoot, hoot," suggested Hedwig.

Crookshanks thought for a long while. "Meow," he agreed.

It was the start of a beautiful partnership.

… … … … … … …

The next morning, Hermione watched in abject confusion as Crookshanks stalked past her, heading directly to the Head Table, and proceeded to rub himself against Umbridge's leg.

About to kick the offending animal away, Umbridge stopped.

"Meow," Crookshanks whined, giving Umbridge his best puppy dog eyes. Or was it kitty cat eyes?

"Soooooo cute," Umbridge gushed, picking him up and setting him on her lap. "There, there, little kitty, how about some milk? Then later we could go pick out a nice fluffy pink bow for you. A pretty bow for a pretty girl. What do you think?"

To her right, McGonagall suppressed a wince.

Crookshanks mentally revised his opinion of the Toad-Woman a notch lower. Pretty girl, indeed. His eyes found a lone occupant on the rafters of the Great Hall and he nodded slightly, disguising the motion as a nuzzle against Umbridge's hand.

Time to start the fun.

… … … … … … …

Umbridge sat in utter silence, hoping to escape before the students noticed her plight.

Then somebody snickered.

Everyone looked up at the Head Table. Their mouths dropped open.

Umbridge was no longer a pink monstrosity. But it was not much better. She was now a pink monster. To be precise, she was now a sparkling, glittering, unicorn in a blinding shade of bright pink.

Several students sank to their knees at the sight of her, clutching their eyes. They might have looked as if they were praying to a goddess. That was, if the person making the comparison was suffering from a concussion.

No wonder people thought she was invisible at first, looking at that thing was impossible.

The visible pink unicorn tottered unsteadily to her legs, deciding to make a run for it while she still could. Crookshanks wound between her new legs, causing Umbridge to stumble, and he neatly leapt out of the way as she faceplanted into a suspicious puddle in the middle of the floor. How that puddle got there, no one knew, but everyone could have sworn it was not there a moment ago.

Crookshanks waved his tail innocently.

… … … … … … …

"Where is she?" boomed Hagrid, a maniacal grin on his face and a large net in his hand. "Where is this mythical pengoad the students are talking about?"

"What's a pengoad?" Harry asked his friends softly.

"A pengoad is said to be the mother of a basilisk, where instead of a chicken and toad there is a penguin and toad" It is said to be twenty times as dangerous as a basilisk, and no one has ever seen it before," Hermione whispered extremely quickly. "It's not even listed in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them." She sniffed as though horrified by the omission.

"Well," Ron began, "If no one has seen one before, it doesn't really fit the 'where to find them' criteria for the book."

Hermione glared.

Hagrid stomped on, wondering where the mysterious pengoad was. He was so glad some Hufflepuff – such a kind boy, really – had come running to show him photographs of a creature that morphed between a penguin and a toad. And had a little pink bow on top of its head. So scary. Brr.

… … … … … … …

"What is it, Crookshanks?" Hermione asked, bending down to pick the part-Kneazle up. Crookshanks nuzzled her hand for a while, before swiping his tail and carelessly dislodging the pile of woolly hats she had knitted for the house elves. He let out a loud meow, blinking pointedly at her.

Hermione stared at the pile of clothing, and then at Crookshanks. Then she stood up.

"I'll be right back."

… … … … … … …

Severus Snape scowled as a knock came at his door, getting to his feet slowly. If it was that blasted toad again…

He opened the door to find… nobody.

Frowning, he glanced around, spotting a note on the ground. With a wave of his wand, the note flew into his hand. He scowled again. It had better not been some student's idea of a joke, or he would skin them alive and use their blood for potions ingredients.

The scowl morphed into a puzzled look, and then a delighted grin that would have frightened young children to tears. Maybe that was why Dumbledore didn't dare to let Snape see baby Harry.

Ah, he had a volunteer for his experimental potions. Lovely.

… … … … … … …

They never did find Umbridge, until one day some hungry students sneaked into the kitchens for a snack and spotted a familiar pink bow sitting atop a house elf's head. Said house elf was slumped over a tiny table with another, empty Butterbeer bottles strewn about, snoring loudly. The other house elves sniffed and gave them a wide berth.

Requests

FairyQueenOfSparks: "get snape to slip her a potion that turns her into a house elf, get hermione's help. she must be wearing the invisibility cloak when she goes to see snape."

Princess Schatje Dreamer: "unicorn"

Tsubasa no Ryu: "Animals of Hogwarts"

skyflyte12: "Umbridge the penguin-toad hybrid"

bookworm19065: "Hagrid, a hufelpuff, and an evil first year"

Special note to Deviate's Fish: I'm sorry, I've seen neither South Park nor Stand and Deliver before and no idea where to find either, so I'm not quite sure how to fill your request. Can you – or anyone, really – explain the context of the following to me?

Prompt: I hope you've watched South Park episode 1205, which parodied Stand and Deliver (film), where there was a line I hoped Umbridge would use: "How do I reach these keeds?"