Spencer had first pondered dreams when studying Poe, way back when.
But she never had them. Her dreams were as black as her coffee in the mornings, numbing and foggy.
And for the first time in what felt like forever, Spencer dreamed. While curled up against Toby, all bruised and bandaged, she dreamed. She dreamed of every regret she ever had, and a few good things she had experienced. It was almost as if the ghost of Christmas – or, in this case, boyfriend's – past was leading her down memory lane.
As she slowly drifted into slumber against Toby's warmth, she saw everything she had done. How crazy it had all been. It was as if she were sitting in front of a tremendous TV screen, watching. Seeing. Remembering.
She saw all of the horrible things she had said, the painful words that had tumbled past her lips.
"The devil has a name, and it's Toby." The words echoed in her head, and she was almost sure that she flinched at the memory of their harshness.
Then, the picture melted into a lighter memory, in that one afternoon before the fateful night of the bell tower. She had attempted to throw herself into her studies, but Toby had known her better. He had known what was good for her. He always had her best interest in mind. He had led her over by the window and gently pulled her down next to him, folding her in his warm embrace. She had sighed and curled against him, falling into a peaceful sleep, not unlike the one she was in now. Whenever she was around Toby, she always felt like there was a sphere of sunlight encasing them, guarding them from the outside world. Pulling them deep into something real. Something beautiful. Something outside the realms of reality.
Something that Spencer later realized was called love.
She wished that she had realized that sooner. If she would have known how bad things were going to get, she would have clung to every moment that much tighter, breathed him in deeper, memorized him with acute accuracy, engraving him into her memory so that no matter how many miles she put between them, he would always be there.
That safe world she had once known ripped itself away from her as the scene shifted once more, and it was as if she had been hit with a bucket of ice water. She saw Toby, his adoring face beaming with pride as he pulled the sheet off of the beautiful rocking chair he had made for her, just for her. And what she had said…the memory burned as it coursed through her mind.
"What I want you to do is forget about me!" She had spat at him, along with a few other heinous things she wished she could take back but knew it was impossible.
The look on his face as he walked away, slammed his truck bed shut and drove off, leaving Spencer with nothing to do but drown herself in her own sadness, it was almost too much for Spencer. To swallow her bitterness and be exposed to the truth of what had just happened; what she had said.
Spencer could feel the soft warmth of her safe haven returning as the picture changed for the final time. She was in Toby's truck, in the driver's seat, driving it along the dirt road to Jason's house. She had been so extremely happy, and when she had gotten out of the car, she heard the sound of his voice and she knew that she must have been beaming like an idiot. Of course, at that moment, she hadn't minded.
"I love you so much." He had said, the words meant just for her. And it was perfect; in it's own beautiful way.
There was something purely glorious of first love. It's something that is always held close to the heart, regardless of how many years go by or how far apart they are; it's there. Shining like sunlight, even through the arid winter, the icy chill that takes over everything. When the outside forces push in, it has the strength to push back, to maintain its ground.
And that's when Spencer realized: wasn't it enough? Even through her peaceful sleep, she could feel it, burning within her. This recognition shed light on all the confusion of the past few weeks.
I love him. She thought, her dream fading away until there was nothing but her thoughts clouding her head. He's all I've ever wanted.
I love him not. There was no way she could be with him and still keep him safe from A.
I love him. She needed his warmth in her life. He keeps her balanced. Screw A. Isn't love all about taking risks? Not having a choice, but choosing them anyway?
I love him.
I love him, I love him, I love him.
I need him. He is mine and I am his.
I love him.
Spencer woke with a slight jerk, the sound of the heart monitor bringing her back to reality. She sighed and stretched cautiously, careful not to hurt him. She wondered absentmindedly how long she had been out. No doctors had come in. None at all. It was just she and Toby, warm beneath the sheets. She sighed and tucked her head against his neck again, wanting to hold on tighter but afraid to cause more damage.
Her dream flooded her mind. All of it – it had all been so true. It was as if she were being led into the light, as if all of the shadowed, gray areas of her life were suddenly illuminated, in full Technicolor, and everything was so brilliantly clear. She was going to stick through this, if not for herself them for him. Toby, the guy she was crazy in love with. It was what had taken her so long to realize why she never felt like she belonged anymore.
It was because she didn't belong. Not to herself, anyway.
She belonged to him. She was all his, without a doubt. She was tethered to him, and even if she tried even harder to tear herself away, she knew it wouldn't be possible.
Suddenly, she felt the soft, even pace of Toby's breathing speed up. She pulled away, suddenly overcome with worry. She sat up on her elbow and –
His eyelashes softly fluttered, and his eyes opened, revealing their sapphire blue to her.
Spencer did her best to not burst into tears. She bit her lip, and her breathing ceased. A slow smile creased her face as a tear fell over her eyelashes and down her cheek. She was shocked, but yet somehow still fully aware of what was all happening.
Toby looked around, groaning gently at his aches and breaks. He looked toward her and blinked a few times.
"Spencer?"
"Shh, shh. I'm here. I'm here." She said calmingly, her voice barely audible. She softly touched his lips and smiled, allowing more tears to fall down her face.
He reached up with a gentle hand – his undamaged one, and softly wiped her tears away. He smiled, and it lit up her whole world. "I knew you would come."
"I always will. I promise." She whispered, and sunk into his warmth, desperately seeking their safe haven once more.
This time, Spencer planned to stay in that light for a long time.
"At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet." - Plato
Hey guys! So I actually turned this into a two-shot, but it's a strictly two-shot! I'll prob be making more one-shots and Spoby fluff and such for other stories, but I want the PLL writers to be in charge of playing this out ;)
Thanks so much for the comments! They mean a lot!
True Love Conquers All,
AJ