A Kingdom with no King
He loves me…Not
O
"He loves me, he loves me not." He caressed a soft part of nature in his battle worn hand.
Outside the world was bright and cheerful while inside his own little box, was drained with discoloration. Unhappiness flowed through his heart as he sat staring his royal life away. None dared to approach him after the parting of the general and he retreated immediately back to his tent whether he did it to hide his shame or just out of pure anger. Either way he refused to show himself. He didn't know what to do with such things on his mind. He had let him walk away and that was it. If he already felt bad he felt even worse now. Never had he felt such a mysterious pain before. He was known to survive many pains in battle, whether it was an arrow to the knee, a gash in the head or even just a sword in the heart.
He thought about at least a hundred of ways to keep his mind on the present, on his men, on his next march, but he couldn't do that with something as big as his other half removing himself from his life. Maybe it was the other way around. Maybe in reality the king actually left him.
He repeated oftenly in his head how stupid he was. Too let something as thick as gravel and as shiny as gold walk away was so stupid he growled. It was like giving up his own world to another King who couldn't earn it himself.
Was he too go for a walk, something Hephaistion had encouraged him to do when he got frustrated about something and just a little fresh air was the perfect medicine to ease his mind? How would that work without Hephaistion's support? It wouldn't he mused.
Was he supposed to put his mind on some sort of pleasure? The Persian boy was always available; the king bounced his eyes from his desk as he stared at nothing in particular then straight to the fragile blacked haired boy standing at the foot of his bed awaiting another order. He sighed and figured he wasn't out to get revenge on Hephaistion. That would only hurt him more.
The king dropped his head and dismissed the eunuch deciding maybe he needed to be alone with his thoughts, because as far as he knew they weren't going anywhere profound.
"He loves me…he loves me not." He rubbed his eyes that were becoming wet with out his permission and began to feel a sense of loneliness. But he fought them back. He couldn't let his men see him this weak, this fragile over a man they thought was not important in the army. He was a ruler, a king, the greatest of his time, not a crier. He had to be strong. He had to be that man his father always wanted him to be. The king his mother always thought he was since he was born from her womb.
The first thing he had noticed was that he did already fail at being strong. He failed at everything unless that one familiar smile inspired him to succeed.
Alexander had been sitting with tears falling until dusk while the burning sun was finally setting from the orange majestic sky.
"He loves me."
We all know sorry doesn't cut it. It was late and the kingdom was close to falling in deep slumber until the morning said otherwise. And still no sign of Hephaistion.
Empty. Is what he felt. Silence is what he heard. At around this time he would have left Roxanna's bed feeling no better than when he had entered it.
"He loves me not…" He watched a tiny tear fall upon the petal as it hit the ground.
Alexander watched from his bed through a peek of his unclosed tent. He watched some of his soldiers chatting happily with other fighters and soldiers around a camp fire, while he tore soft petals from a delicate flower one by one frivolously. How pathetic he felt in his own land. How small he felt. Everyone was having a better time than he was but it was something he found understandable. They have followed him through the core of the earth longing for their love ones and families while he had his loved one always side by side with him. They knew how to move on, where he was never given the opportunity until now. But he couldn't move on for the life of him. He had just told Hephaistion that he was nothing without him and now look at him crying like a love sick sensitive little girl.
Regret. He was feeling angry with himself and less so for Hephaistion who would have again ended up sleeping alone that night in his cold tent because he couldn't be there to keep it warm. He began to realize every mistake he had made with Hephaistion and then he came to realize as the sun leaked away slowly from the inside of his tent finally leaving him in the pure darkness that Hephaistion didn't love him anymore. He wasn't going to come back. To come back would mean to face him and prove that he was indeed worthless in the army but everyone knew, no matter how much they assumed it, that Hephaistion wasn't an ounce worthless…that's why he wasn't anywhere in reach of him.
"He loves me not...and never will again." He dropped the remaining flower he had torn apart to the ground finding it useless. The flower was as dead as Hephaistion's love for him.
X
Ptolemy strolled towards the king's tent before taking off to his own so that he can get his own rest, just to see how things were. Phillip their physician had gave him news that the king was dehydrating himself from crying all night and the curled haired general couldn't help but laugh at how dramatic that sounded. It was awkwardly quiet he thought especially for Alexander who was usually flaunted a firestorm of a personality.
The two guards standing by let him through and Ptolemy entered formally. "Alexander." The general bowed slightly as he watched his king pace back and forth like a mad man. It was clear that the man hadn't slept yet. He knew when there was something major on his mind. He was just glad that the king hadn't turned the kingdom mad yet with his own anger and despair that he liked to put on others to have everybody else suffer as much as he.
"Your highness, I understand that it is hard but you must stop thinking about it and get some well worth rest. It isn't healthy for your state of mind to be on your friend all night."
"What if he's hurt?" Alexander said worried biting his nails.
Ptolemy exhaled quietly. Alexander was silly to think Hephaistion would just walk away like that and not know how to take care of himself. "If you like we can send a search team."
"No!" Alexander answered abruptly while stopping his nervous strides. "I have to allow him to be free from me. Just for right now." It was earnest enough and Ptolemy accepted it. Besides he couldn't imagine the look on the men's faces if Alexander had followed through with that suggestion.
"Alexander?" Ptolemy spoke quietly. "Rest please. You need it for tomorrow." It was the most advice a friend could ask for at this time of night. There was no doubt the morning would come quick.
The king just nodded positively. They turned to see Bagoas standing before the tent and Alexander nodded to him to come in but saying nothing by mouth.
"Things will get better." Ptolemy smiled only getting a weaker one in reply and before the general opened the flaps to step out; Alexander picked up the abandoned flower stem on the ground and viewed it sharply like he was trying to figure out an enemy's next move. "Wait Ptolemy." He said with a gravelly throat and looked secretly over to Bagoas and then him again.
"Yes Alexander. What can I do for you?" The curled haired man gratified.
The king was quiet at first and non responsive only looking at the palms of his hands and Ptolemy knew what was coming next seeing the slight nod and flicker in the kings distorted eyes. "Yes, your majesty." He answered. He was hesitant at first but bowed and left. There wasn't anything he could do against the king's orders so he followed through with it.
He was ordered to bring back the strongest of wine.
Alexander was feeling bad, his stomach ached and he didn't even feel like drinking but some things couldn't be helped. His throat was in a knot, it was dry and his head was spinning out of control and he couldn't for his own sake get the image out of his head when he saw him walk away. By now he thought he lost him forever and he knew, somewhere deep within him, he knew he would have deserved it anyway for all the terrible things he had put Hephaistion through most of the time giving him little choice. Why they ever happened was beyond his understanding. One point in time he thought they were meant to be. Now... he wasn't so sure.
Letting disappointment overshadow him, he drank the wine after it was brought to his quarters. He drank it all…even if his body couldn't handle it. Bagoas watched the king drown himself in the evergrowing despair. It only meant a bad night for him. The only one used to the king's drunken behavior wasn't present at the moment.
The night shifted eerily and the eyes of the king had fluttered closed, possessed under the deep spell of Hypnos, the god of sleep and dreams.
xxxxxxXxxxxxx
For him,
I am running down what feels like a never ending path. The fog is the only thing visible to me. I am running because I had just done something terrible. The most terrible thing I have ever done. Never before would I have ever thought the grace to say something ever like that to him. They say I am brave because everyone else says I am brave, that I have a heart like a shield and the mind of a Titan, but who can believe that now. Believe it or not I had just encountered one of the scariest and most terrifying minutes of my life. I haven't been afraid of anything until now, not even of my mothers foul slithering snakes she let me sleep with when I was young and naive, not even my dads angry voice when he condemned me for doing something wrong or ill towards him had. I was never frightened…but now I find myself running away from the one thing, the only thing, I always wished I never had and chasing the one thing I've always needed and wanted.
Maybe you know who it involves or maybe you don't but I will tell you anyway. I want you to follow me down this path of the only proof of my love towards the one I just hurt.