A Kingdom with no King

Gotcha

O

His eyes opened again with the little rest he got and it somewhat comforted him. It reminded him he wasn't dreaming.

Ptolemy had checked on him a couple of times during the night just to make sure that the king was still in his tent. Alexander had a habit for sleep walking when distressed and only his generals knew of it.

The spazzy king was quiet and alone with his thoughts and to himself. He frowned slightly. He was still going through the after affects of heavy drinking and the only useful thing he had done that night was force himself to drink tons of water.

He leaned up in his bed rubbing his aching temples trying to massage the headache away. The nightmares. The memories. Just everything. But he knew it wasn't that easy to just open his eyes and everything would be back to the way it was. To suddenly feel his lover back in his arms. How unlikely that was. He didn't know why he was acting so pathetically and couldn't just move on without him…How unlikely that was after those words. The only one who seemed to move on from it was Hephaistion. He could blame everything that happened between Hephaistion and himself on the wine but that wouldn't be true. However he hadn't found a more sensible way of dealing with it yet.

He had regretted the words before they had even came from his tongue. The reason he had kept getting up besides peeing from to much liquid consumed in a short amount of time, not just because he missed his Hephaistion but also it heaved his heart how his friend turned his back to him with a unbroken smile on his face. In other words unforgiving. The general seemed unbothered, actually happy to be away for once. Away from his king, away from his job, away from everyone, but Alexander didn't want his friend to be happy without him, as selfish as it sounded. But everyone was selfish for something. It's okay to be selfish for love. Overall his father was and his mother was though they had provided different kinds of love and not the one Alexander actually sought. He couldn't imagine another life without he and Hephaistion at each others side.

He once again looked out the crack of his tent flaps thinking maybe Hephaistion would return any minute now. But he knew that wasn't going to be the case. He also couldn't sleep worrying about him. It was cold and murky very much like in his dreams. Very much like in his heart.

He knew he didn't have to worry though. Hephaistion was very capable of handling himself. He was trained a soldier. He was trained how to survive. Even without Alexander.

The king breathed. He is maybe king but unlike the rest he wasn't trained to survive without Hephaistion. He didn't want this to be another dream. He seemed never quite awake to begin with but watching the sage moon in the sky he knew what he had to do.

He stepped to the ground and reached for his Persian night robe and put it on over his naked body. He slipped on his boots, blew out the flickering candles killing his tent in darkness. He then fled the tent and towards the dark and foggy path just ahead of him. He stared thinking he was either mad or dreaming.

But he's chased dreams all his life… that is what made him great, so this couldn't have been any different.

Then he started to run and already he wasn't missing the wine. He wasn't missing his home. His gold. His lands. His people. He was missing him. He left the palace walls and into the path leading further into the darker world where he last saw his lover.

oOo

Hephaistion!

I know I will never be perfect for you, and I know my pride has been insupportable and I have witnessed it through my own stupidity. Maybe I am stupid because even now I am hoping maybe we can talk again. Maybe I can actually listen to what you have to say this time.

I am calling out your name because of just that. It's been so long. Almost a whole day. I laugh at that because I realize that's not long at all. Please don't ever fade away, even if the reason you might want to is because of me.

Can you believe it, I haven't stopped running, not one bit while chasing you. But I realized I have been racing alone all this time. There was never the king and only me. I lost him somewhere along the way. I pray. Why do you think I am running to the ends of the world just to reach you? The weight is off me and so I am free.

My men would tell me that I am stupid, love sick. That it is pointless now and that fate has planned my life without you. My eternity without you beside me. They tell me that you are not worthy enough for me. But I feel that I am stronger than any fate and I say if I do reach you, it would be my greatest victory yet.

It might be foolish and senseless because I really, really thought we would last forever. I'm out of breath and you are way ahead of me. Now I know I don't deserve you because I can't seem to catch up. You told me if I ever wanted you back I would have to reach you first…but no matter how hard I run or how fast, I just… can't.

My legs are taking me far away and I have no direction as to where. For once I have no idea where my body is taking me. For the first time I am scared in an unknown territory. For the first time I am dead because I know you can live without me. Me and you? Phai and Alex? Forever. The bond should have never existed. How is it possible that we can carry on with out each other? You are all I see. And I understand why you can't see me. And I understand why we can't stay like this forever. Like Achilles and Patroclus. Because it should have ended when we were told it should.

Maybe this is how you planned it all along. Maybe you want to be lost from me. Maybe you never wanted me to catch up with you, did you? You finally moved on? I congratulate you Hephaistion, you've out done yourself and myself-the once greatest man that has ever lived. I never realized someone held the title before me. I am just self possessed, ruthless and a cruel bastard to treat you in this way. Why did you promise to be my Patroclus when I can't even be your Achilles?

…But…you are quite the silly one aren't you. You have always been that way. I'll tell you what, when I snatch you up I will hold you in my arms for your eternity. I love you and that is what you are forgetting. This is why I am chasing you, through the mist of the night down a path I don't even recognize now that the moon is up. I am only heading in the direction I saw you leave in, killing my own breath, ripping out my own air in my lungs, while I am leaving everything else behind. My men, my soldiers, my people, my kingdom, my pride…and I who did this to us.

They can look for me all they want, but I will not stop, not when I am this far. Not when I hear your heart beating this loud, not when I can smell your precious scent…oh and definitely not when I can see you.

"Phai!"

Hephaistion frowned thinking he had heard his name but just shrugged it off as he impassively walked down the dirt road to nowhere it seemed. He was rolling an apple in his hand and took a huge chunk from it. "Phai?"

The brunettes ears perked up again and he halted his footsteps and discontinued his munching when he heard his name being called again from a distance.

Thinking it was a threat he equipped his sword, then he heard it again, this time sounding closer and slightly recognizable and he slowly turned towards the direction. He squinted trying to see down the night path and recognized the little figure coming at him. "Alex?" he murmured the name, not believing it. The man came more into view, dressed only in his long swaying robe, chest completely exposed and Persian slacks and boots but how he forwarded from the fog and the way the moons vibrant light edged his face he looked like a god. A god he once knew.

"There you are. Now I have you." Alexander grinned.

The general smiled unthinkingly, and without a care in the world dropped his things for less weight, took another bite of the fruit, tossed the core Alexander's way and sprinted away.

Alexander frowned before ditching his robe to the ground picking up his pace and running by the dirty apple rolling opposite his way.

The two ran, playing cat and mouse, until they both wounded up into the dark woods nearby. Hephaistion looked both ways before he hid behind a tree to catch his breath and stop his childish giggles. He was covering his mouth and just when he peeked out seeing no sign of Alexander, he was tackled from behind onto the surface of the wet forest ground. "Gotcha."

The general was shocked, not seeing it coming when they both hit the ground, "Alex, what the…" the two rolled around the muck ground getting leaves and twigs trapped and strangled in their hair. "Alex, what are you doing…?"

Alexander straddling the older man and bringing his abandoned mouth roughly to Hephaistion's cool ones interrupting him, warmed them both up in a desperate kiss.

Hephaistion took the king by the back of his head and returned the desperation of their lips pressing and tongues gliding. The two friends seemed to be struggling in making love, still confused with their own personal feelings towards each other. Alexander held him tight, afraid Hephaistion was going to just disappear again. Like he always did.

"Where in Hades did you come from?" Hephaistion asked laughing while trying to shove his king off of him, pretending that the kiss meant nothing.

"Are you real?" The king asked touching all over his lovers face.

"Yes!" Hephaistion answered still amused.

"This isn't funny!" Alexander punched him in the shoulder, breathing heavily from fury and lack of air.

Hephaistion hit him clearly back in the face knocking him away from him. "Alexander? Why are you here?" the general asked before feeling the smaller frame jump him again.

"I came after you. What does it look like? And why did you hit me for?"

"Because you hit me first. Obviously, you stupid man, look at you, you're hardly dressed, it's cold out, it's dark and no one is here to protect you if something were to happen. Your timing is horrid."

"Because that's what you wanted!" Alexander angrily voiced restricting the taller frame from moving.

"Alexander I meant when you were ready too." Hephaistion said.

"You knew I would come for you. That's what you wanted right."

The general giggled. "Not like this. I was thinking it was going to be more romantic, like you pulling up in a chariot fully dressed, not smelling like wine and your hair crazy like you just woke up."

"Nothing ever pleases you. Well excuse me but I have been suffering since you've left and that's all you have to tell me!"

"Whose problem is that?" Hephaistion waited for the answer finding it amusing to see Alexander struggling to admit his wrong doing. But he eventually let it through.

"Mine." Alexander growled more to himself and less to his friend and finally released his lover.

Hephaistion just smiled at Alexander who was now looking away in disgrace. "Alexander look at me and tell me what you want to say."

"I have rethought over a lot; I became the man that I never wanted to be and I miss our old memories. I have responsibilities Hephaistion. Do you understand slightly what I'm telling you? I relive every aching moment I have shared with him. But it makes him happy to see me be devoured in this pain. The king hates me for loving you. Can't you see that? I am supposed to be conquering the world and you're getting in the way."

"Yes and you need me to get in the way Alexander, because I save you from yourself. I have responsibilities too and one of them is too take care of the things that you can't take care of and for me to be there. I am here for you. Everything I do has always been for you." the general replied seriously.

"Why are you acting like you don't care?" Alexander seemed hurt.

"Is this your way of getting fuel, or the strength to carry on with your everlasting dreams by blaming other people for everything that goes wrong? I'll be honest love. Sometimes I wonder if you have learned anything from me. Sometimes I have doubts about our love or if you even care."

"And I will be honest with you. Sometimes I wonder if you really even loved me and just used me for what you have now."

Hephaistion chuckled shyly. Hiding away behind shame not because he was in any sort of guilt but because he never used him for anything. "The words of the generals have really got to your head. Maybe all of this is my fault. After all it was I who told you, you would be the greatest in the world, that you were great at everything and when in time you would make it through anything. All of your dreams would come alive and you would make it further than even the best. I always thought of you as my future. And so here you here, bringing your vision to life just like I had told you."

Alexander came up to him, took the general by the throat snarling at him. "I just want to strangle you sometimes."

"Because I speak the truth Alexander but if you want to then do it." Hephaistion didn't seem to mind. "But I know you won't because you can't. And you wouldn't come all this way for me just to kill me in the end. What do you really want?"

Alexander quickly loosened his hand and took apologetically his lovers hand which felt like it remained in an angry ball since his fist met Craterus' face but hearing the king not reply Hephaistion snatched his hand away saying nothing, nothing that the king deserved to hear from his mouth. Hephaistion got up from the ground turned his back and walked away to nowhere, leaving the same way he did after the words said.

Alexander watched him for seconds before coming right behind him just following like a boy would a girl with a crush.

"Go away Alexander. Stop following me."

"No." the king replied stubbornly.

"Yes. Go away!"

"First I want to know one thing." The brunette was then wrapped in his lover's arms so large to fit the world, arms that used to protect him from anything. "Who am I to you Hephaistion? I know what you are to me but who am I too you."

The question hit him. The blue eyes stared at the vibrant moon ahead of them peeking down in the woods. "I once had regret." Hephaistion blinked feeling the regret running in his blood, in his grieving heart and now felt it seeping from his eyes. Hephaistion thought he didn't feel anything at all when his king said those words. But he did feel something, something worse than even the king had felt. "I don't really know who you are. You were a traitor today and my soul murderer and even after all of that mess I still wish to be apart of your life? I wish to be that same person that you can come to and trust? Who? Is it Alexander who promised he still loved me, the one who claimed I was everything to him? Pity the world has beaten me to him leaving me in inhibition. He still shines as my guardian angel that stays right beside me through all my sadness, all my pain, and he tells me he will always linger forever with me. This is the man that said those words, the traitor of my heart now pleads for what's best for me."

Alexander smiled regretfully knowing the general was going to say something like that but all Alexander wanted to do was get him to really admit it, his feelings towards him. The general shuttered as the strong arms and hands held him in another tight embrace. "I know I've hurt you and in doing so I've hurt myself but your Alexander is back Phai. So I want you to tell me how you really feel."

Hephaistion shoved him away suddenly growing furious. "I don't want him just back. I want him forever. You are nothing without me! This time it is my turn to tell you." He tried to hold in his own tears. "You want me to trust you as my guardian, lover, and king, the ruler of not only the world but my heart, something so personal and vulnerable to me? To protect and love me away from this world of dangers, jealousy and betrayal?" He stomped up to Alexander snatching his hands in his. "All you have done ever is abandon me, thinking you can own this entire world on your own. Well you lose again. And here I am again being the one to shake you awake once more. Do I ever get a thank you?"

Alexander vaguely smiled watching his lover getting enraged at him. It wasn't often Hephaistion would yell at him. Actually he couldn't remember the day he ever did. Accept he would remember this day forever.

The general wiped away his tears and faced him now trying to keep his calm. "I will tell you who is in charge of this love Alexander." He glared strictly. "I am. I always have been and always will be. You are my leader, and you are my king, yes, but I am your general, your lover and you're equal. Without me you have no one to run to who will listen to you the way I do. Remember that always. My love I hold for you is greater than any conquest you ever had or will have. My love is the reason why you still own a soul. Without me you are nothing."

Without thinking the general came up to Alexander and hit the king as hard as he could but all Alexander could do is stare lovingly at him, not caring much because he knew he deserved it. He deserved it all; any ounce of hurtful words Hephaistion could spew at him he was willing to accept. This way they could be even.

Hephaistion seeing his king smiling fondly at him backed away eyeing him suspiciously. Alexander got to his knees before his friend. "See what you have done?" Alexander stared into his questioning lover. "You've brought the king to his knees in complete worship of his soul mate. Phai, you are right. I am nothing without you. I never was anything until I met you. A prince sure, but if I didn't meet you I would have never became what I am now. I thought I was doing everything right in the world doing everything to impress you but now I know you weren't impressed at all. I was so blind."

The anger lessened in the general as he felt his own soul dying watching his Alexander on his knees before him. His fists loosened as he was being pulled down by his own weakening legs and feet. He came to his knees also before his king and they just locked eyes.

Alexander's calloused fingers came softly down his lover's cheek. "Look at what you have done to me. You perished my soul Phai." Alexander whispered.

"You deserve it." Hephaistion replied quietly looking ashamed.

Alexander smiled. "I know."

"So what now?" Hephaistion asked flinching abit when Alexander wiped the wetness away from his eyes.

The two were still acting shyly towards each other getitng used to their new reformed relationship.

"Can the kingdom be on its own for a little. Is that alright with you Phai?"

"Wait you've left the kingdom with no king?" the general seemed shocked, he just remembered Alexander was the only king their was.

"Isn't that what you wanted?"

"Would it be selfish if I said yes?"

"Yea. Would it be wrong if I left everything behind for you?"

"Yea. But I would rather stay in the darkness with you anyway." Hephaistion scooted closer to him slowly reaching for his hand and holding it tight. "I hope you don't mind. What's the worst that can happen?"

Ptolemy tried once more to order the men to stay calm after realizing they couldn't find the king anywhere. His tent was abandoned of his presence whilst everything else he owned remained. "Men, settle yourselves. I am sure he will return." The general didn't sound to enthusiastic about it already knowing there was no hope when it came to Alexander, always putting them in unpredictable situations.

Of course they refused to listen to anyone but the king and gathered the camp preparing a search for him. They were scattering about like mad men and Ptolemy rolled his eyes shaking his head towards the path Alexander took down after Hephaistion. Leonnatus and Perdicas came on either side of the curled haired general and sighed.

"So you really think he went after Hephaistion? In this weather? He's mad." Leonnatus said.

"Apparently madder than we realized." Ptolemy smirked.

"He's coming back though right?" Leonnatus asked.

"I'm sure he is. He just needs time." Ptolemy answered.

"What if he doesn't find Hephaistion?" Leonnatus asked again.

"He will. I'm sure he will." Ptolemy sounded confident enough.

Perdicas frowned. "Uh...so he's not coming back?"

oOo

When I finish this hunt will you finally believe me? I think I deserve at least some of you if not all, for participating in this hide and go seek game you have going on…

Do you actually believe that I will fall dead, shattered lying pale in my own blood, sweat and tears before I get the chance to tell you those words I have wanted to say to you for so long. I promised it didn't I? I will say it as loud as I can because you deserve nothing more from me. So Phai, here it is.

I am nothing without you or maybe just nothing without. In this kingdom there is no king. There might be people waiting to hear my orders, a queen waiting for me to return, a boy slave crying because I have left him and now he knows where my heart stands, soldiers fighting because they can not rule themselves, but when I take you into my arms and squeeze you for the last time, you will have proof that I have stepped out of my kingdom and into the world. Just for you.

It's never been about those words, it's always been about the chance to escape. From myself, from the orders, from the responsibility. And while I did it all for you, you did it all for me.

"What made you come look for me?" The general laid his head on Alexander's chest as they stared up at the sky.

Alexander smirked. "Dreams."

"What kind of dreams?" His lover was curious sliding his soft lips up the king's stubble chin admiring him with a desiring fascination.

Alexander turned and looked into blue eyes of his angel, sorcerer and king. "Weird fucking dreams."

Fin

-Stranger