Lily Dwyer

Staring up into Ryan's soft golden eyes, I suddenly knew that I was all right. Even if moments ago my heart had been frozen with fear, I was now perfectly happy, perhaps even numb. The concern in his eyes made my heart sing, and I couldn't help but wonder if I wouldn't always be prone to reactions like this when in his presence. It seemed like an unlikely scenario, but I couldn't imagine feeling any differently about Ryan in that moment. My heart seemed like it would always skip a beat when I saw him walking towards me.

Lost in my own thoughts, I had forgotten Ryan's questions. Embarrassed beyond words, I chose not to speak, and only nodded. Nearly a minute had passed since the question had been asked, and Ryan seemed clearly relieved that I was able to respond to it. But there was also something else in his eyes… Could it be caution? It didn't make sense to me, but then again, I didn't understand a lot about Ryan Hale.

"Do you need a ride home?" Ryan asked, coming closer to me. The caution was more defined in his expression now, the relief disappearing in an instant. But the concern was still there, almost as obvious the caution. I must look like a mess, I thought miserably. Later I would be puzzled by why I cared so much, but at that moment it seemed like the worst thing that could have happened to me in that instant.

"Sure," I agreed quickly, not eager to have Ryan leave me alone just yet. Although his presence was beyond calming, I could feel the stress bubbling just below the surface, ready to overtake me. Ryan made me feel all right, as if it were a calmer and happier moment. Even if he looked none too cheerful at that moment, the fact that he was even there made it true for me.

Once outside, Ryan seemed quite eager to rush me to his car. He was also careful to shield my eyes from the south side of the parking lot, and I had no intention of defying his wishes of shielding my eyes from whatever may have been there. Instead I allowed my eyes to drift back to cars still remaining. Most students seemed to have left, and only a few cars were still there. Ryan led her to one that was quite unexpected.

The car was red sports car, newer and fast looking than any other car in the lot. In fact, I'd been looking forward to owning a car in Forks. The students didn't seem to have quite as much money around here as they had had in Phoenix, and many of the cars were second hand and old. Ryan's was the newest, but even it was not that impressive. Although new, it didn't look very special or expensive.

Ryan helped me carefully into the passenger's seat, treating me as if I should be very easy to harm. I will admit that my appearance often gave the wrong impression. Although I enjoyed sports and gym was my favourite class, I looked quite fragile with my pale skin and slim figure. It was a surprise to many when I had been able to hold my own in the gym earlier.

"Where do you live?" Ryan asked, turning the key and bringing the car to life. He looked incredibly comfortable in front of the wheel.

I quickly gave him the address, glad that I had bothered to memorize it. Kyra and David lived in a fairly large house near the centre of Forks, but I could never tell the difference in such a small place. But Ryan seemed to know where he was going, and began driving in silence. After a few moments, I decided to try to get him engaged in a conversation. "So, where's the rest of your family today?"

Very briefly, I saw Ryan's muscles tense, and his eyes froze on the road. Only a fraction of a second later he relaxed again, and his eyes darted back to look at my face. He continued on as if nothing had happened, and perhaps he thoughts I hadn't seen it. "Oh, they're on a camping trip. Emm—Edmond is very fond of them, and Rachel decided that it might be nice to see what he liked so much about them. They're going to be back tonight."

"Oh," I said quietly, not quite sure how to respond to that. It had seemed like such a natural response, but there was something off about it. Before he had begun speaking, he had been acting like this was the most person question possible. And then, when he had told her, he had begun saying another name instead of Edmond. I would have accepted that, too, if it had not been the beginning of a very familiar name. Emmett.

"My parents live down in New York," Ryan continued, having caught my silence. "Rachel got engaged to Edmond last year, and since she's over eighteen, she and Edmond decided to buy a little house in Forks and get married next year. I ended up going with them, because they knew my parents wouldn't have much time for me and I'd be all but alone. So I moved in here."

"I wish that my parents not having time for me was the reason thatI moved here," I said quietly, partly to myself. I dropped my eyes to the ground, wishing I hadn't said anything, for now my eyes were watering up. The thought of even having a mother or father, even if they were too busy to appreciate the time you spent with them, seemed very appealing to me then.

"I'm sorry," Ryan said quickly. "I didn't mean to bring that up, I just… I forgot, I guess." His voice was deeply apologetic, and I wouldn't have been surprised if he had put his arm around me in that moment. But he didn't.

I didn't say anything more, not trusting myself to speak. It wasn't that I was angry at Ryan, far from it. I was just… The sorrow of Renee's death was just starting to really catch up with me. All day, I'd somehow managed to ignore the fact that that was why I was there, that if not for it, I'd be happily at home. But now I was thinking about it. I was thinking about how I would have never been caught between Ethan and Peter, and that I would have never been stuck in this stupid rainy little town. I'd be at home in Phoenix.

Ryan dropped me off before either of us said anything more to one another, and came over to my side of the car to open the door for me. He was smiling weakly, as if trying to coax me out of my suddenly depressed mood. Instead, the show of happiness only made me feel worse. "I'm so sorry," Ryan murmured just before he let me go. I wanted to go back to him, to hold him, to tell him that it was all right, that it wasn't his fault.

But I didn't.

--

My night passed slowly, ever so slowly.

Kyra tried to make me feel welcome again, even going as far as to trying to make me hot chocolate and asking me what my favourite meal was for supper. But I was unresponsive to her cheerful behaviour, instead remaining just as sad as I had been before. Eventually Kyra stopped trying, asking me if I wanted to go to my room to complete my homework. I agreed, and we didn't speak again until the next morning.

Just after eight, my cell phone started ringing. I was tempted to ignore it, to let whoever was bothering to call me to think that I was busy. But I didn't. Instead I quickly checked who was calling, and then opened the phone eagerly.

"Jackie?"

"Lily, hi!" responded my friend Jackie. I'd left Jackie behind in Phoenix, of course, but she had been one of my closest friends. A familiar voice like this was something I'd been craving. Kyra and David couldn't cheer me up, I had only ever met them because Renee was dead. Ryan was better, but he was still only in my presence because Renee's death had put me there. But Jackie… Jackie could still remind me of a time before everything had changed so much.

"How are you doing, Jackie?" I asked her, hoping that the conversation would soothe me.

"Oh, great," Jackie assured me. "Schools been totally boring without you, though. Are you sure that you can't come home soon?"

"Nah," I told me, keeping the sadness in on the inside. "Things are weird in Forks."

"So, how did your first day go?"