Ryan Hale

The night passed… Slowly, at best.

Guilt plagued me continuously as I waited for the sun to rise. Rosalie and Emmett refused to leave me alone after what had happened, which both irritated and comforted me. They offered me the chance to return to Alaska and live with Tanya's family for a time, or perhaps to visit the other Cullens in their various homes, but I declined each time the offer was made. The guilt derived not only from the fact that a human had almost died at my own hand's yesterday, but equally because I had made her feel such sadness, and isolation could not cure that.

Another thought also recurred constantly. Lily's sadness actually interested me. The fact that another person's discomfort intrigued me caused even more guilt, but that was beside the point. Although it shouldn't have caught my attention so easily—I shouldn't have found it so easy to ignore mental pain—but it might prove useful in the future. The thirst had been uncontrollable at the time, but it hadn't mattered anymore. My thirst had been diverted by the look on the face of a human. Emotions had saved her life.

Feelings were not alien to me, but I cared little for them now. I saw them all around me, all the time. I saw the love between Rosalie and Emmett, and the happiness that the two had when they were given the pleasure of seeing the rest of the Cullens. I felt the calm mood that Jasper sent out at me, and the rare burst of pleasure that I received myself when I saw that my family was happy, the triumph at evading my unbearable thirst once again. But emotions like Lily felt? I never felt anything like them.

When the guilt of almost killing her gave me a break, my mind was occupied with the confusion over her misery causing me to stop. When the question without an answer was finally forgotten and I tried to concentrate on something else, the guilt would resurface. It was and always would be a mystery to me how I made it into the next day, not to mention how Rosalie and Emmett got me out of the house when I knew that I'd soon be seeing Lily.

The ride to school passed too quickly, and then we were there.

Of course, Lily was already there. Her scent was familiar to me now that I had been so close to her, but there were many other pointers. She was surrounded by a crowd of interested people, and those who weren't crowded around her were staring at her intently. Very few people weren't interested in Lily. In fact, I could only spot one: Alexis Cheney.

Part of me had hoped that I would be able to catch Lily's attention, to apologize to her. If I could make her understand what my true intentions had been, she might have forgiven me. But now that I could actually see her, now that I was so close, I couldn't bring myself to do it. There was just no way I could go over and talk to her. After a few minutes had passed, I became convinced that she had spotted me. She just didn't care.

The first class I was forced to attend was English, which Rosalie would accompany me to. Although I was playing the role of a sixteen year old this year, Rosalie had decided to accompany me in a great deal of my classes to make sure I was always supervised, therefore selecting the same age. Emmett found it impossible to assume the role of someone so young, and therefore he shared none of our classes.

English was a bore, as usual. The teacher spoke in her dull voice as she always did, which made it nearly impossible to concentrate. Having literally all the time in the world, I had been trying out different subjects so that I could study things in university, but nothing had interested me, English least of all. This test had been useless, and it seemed as if, once again, I would assume a new identity without getting a proper education beyond high school.

Another few classes passed slowly, and the only thing that still interested me was eavesdropping on the other students. Several of them spoke of Lily, as I had hoped, and I listened to them intently as they gossiped, although very little was revealed. Edward was more skilled in this aspect of life, spying on humans. His special ability would never allow a lie to be told, making my technique a bit riskier.

As I walked from class to class, where gossip was spoken more freely, I listened carefully. One girl, who I identified as Alexis Cheney, as I had noticed her earlier, was whispering to Matthew Crowley. According to her Lily, was quite irritable today. I knew little about Alexis, but Rosalie and Emmett had apparently been acquainted with her parents, Angela and Ben Cheney. Bella had also known them, one of Angela's friends in her human days. Based on all I knew from these sources, Alexis was unlikely to lie, but I couldn't trust that her words were truthful.

Peter passed me as well, fortunately not seeming to notice me. He was telling one of his friends about the previous night, and was quite animated in his description of Lily's 'apparent' crush on him. The details had seemed to change quite a bit since I had been there. According to his version of events, Peter spent quite a bit of time with Lily after school. He seemed like he was going to say much more, probably more outrageous details, when I lost interest in his tale and moved on.

When lunch finally arrived, giving me a brief break from the boring classes, I looked out for Lily. She was sitting with the same group as before, obviously displeased with the day. Lily's expression was careful, revealing nothing, but there were small things that gave away her true mood. Lily's eyes were focused on her plate of food, meaning that she wasn't very fond of the people she was sitting with. Her arms were held close to her body, portraying a lack of openness towards not only those sitting around her, but the world in general.

I was tempted to go over to her several times, to try to talk to her. It might have been nice, to finally have it off of my chest that I was sorry, and perhaps have her accept it. But there was something that kept me from walking across the cafeteria, and whisking her away from the world of her newfound friends. Even if I would soon be sitting at her side, there was a barrier between us now. Yesterday, we were strangers. There were no prior experiences to complicate things. But now we would have this one little event between us, and it would make it difficult to even speak with her.

Rosalie and Emmett left me then. Neither of them shared this class with me, although I wished that they had to suffer through the bore of Math with me. The class was the only thing that I had to brave alone, and god seemed to be tempting fate by placing me beside Lily in the one class that I couldn't be stopped in. Skipping class was quite tempting, but I couldn't skip Math every day. I'd never graduate.

Lily was already sitting in her seat, not looking up as I approached. Her eyes were focused intently on her schedule, although I doubted that she had forgotten already what classes she had today. Instead of trying to make peace, I slipped into my seat silently. The bell rang then, and the teacher stood up at the front of the class and began speaking in his droning voice. This would be quite a long hour.

Once again, I was surprised by the fact that my thirst had all but disappeared. It had been only a few days since my last hunting trip, which accounted for some, but not all of these results. Many scents usually tempted me in this classroom, so small and enclosed without another vampire to keep me in check, but none of the usual temptation was present.

Lily was becoming more and more interesting. Even after everything that had happened, the difficulties that had caused me in the previous night, I was still filled with a longing to please her, to make her happier. The same thing had tempted me earlier, but now it felt much, much stronger. It felt like my purpose in life, although there really was no life left in me.

There didn't seem to be a choice anymore. I was going to have to get to know Lily Dwyer.