Lily Dwyer

Ryan pulled away all too suddenly, and I was catapulted back into reality.

My mind was racing, thoughts of what had just happened coming to me faster than I could keep track of them. They centred on confusion. Should I have done that, had it been stupid? Was this all going to end in my favour, in happiness, or nothing more than horrible heartbreak that I didn't need? Was it right how much I wanted to lean over to the driver's seat and kiss Ryan once again?

So much of my time in Forks had been focused on ignoring Ryan, on trying to get him out of my mind once and for all. What if I couldn't, now that this had happened? It was probably wasn't a bad thing, but I couldn't help but feel that I was betraying myself. This had been my purpose for what felt like so longer, and now I was throwing it all away.

Lost in my own thoughts, I didn't notice when Ryan stopped the car. I had no idea where we had been before, but we stopped in front of my house. Ryan must have been speaking to me, because he was soon shaking my arm lightly, and a distressed expression occupied his face. "Lily, Lily? Are you all right?"

I nodded slightly, although I knew that, truly, I was lying to Ryan. I reached to open the door, and looked back at Ryan one last time. I was debating whether or not I could get away with kissing him once more. Not the same as before, but a light kiss, maybe on the cheek. I decided against it, and instead just smiled, making the smile as convincing as I possible could, and nodded again. "Thanks for the ride. I guess I'll see you tomorrow at school."

Ryan gave me a small nod, his face suddenly totally empty of expression. His eyes were vacant as well, but when I closed the door I could have sworn I saw a small flicker of doubt. Before I could be certain, though, the car was gone, having disappeared far faster than it had arrived. Now that Ryan was gone, I questioned whether or not the kiss had really happened. It seemed so possible that it had all been in my head. The racing of my heart and the blood rushing to my cheeks were the only things that convinced me.

I rushed up to my room, trying to decide what to do about this all the while. Nothing was making sense to me anymore. As hard as I fought all of this, Ryan hadn't given me much of a choice back there, not that I would have had the willpower to refuse. But now, after everything that had just happened… After feeling the exhilaration of actually having Ryan, could I really fight it much longer? It hurt so much to have to let him go so soon, even now.

I sunk down onto my bed, closing my eyes and pulling the pillow over my face. I wanted to scream, but I didn't. I could be a drama queen later. For the moment, all that mattered was making up my mind.

The night passed painfully slowly with indecision. The burst of energy still remained from this afternoon, even if I wanted nothing more than to go to sleep and forget it all. Facing Ryan the next day would be hard enough, but without a wink of sleep? It was stupid to think that I would have a chance of resisting him, even if I hadn't decided that that was what I wanted to do.

I even tried to give myself cough medicine to get myself to sleep, but of course, Kyra had stocked the house with only the non-drowsy kind. In my sleepy state of mind, I cursed her silently. Why did she have to be so safe all the time? Sometimes it was good to break the rules, if only to make sure that I could make it through the day. Bending the rules had been so much easier back in Phoenix…

When morning finally did arrive, I had received no more than ten minutes of sleep. Exhaustion threatened to overtake me, but there was no escaping the fact that I had to go to school. If I pretended to be sick, I'd never want to go back, and someday I'd have to face him. It was better now, when all of the information was still fresh in my mind, than to wait a few days and make the kiss seem more amazing than it already was.

I walked alone in the rain with my hood down, hoping that it would bring some crispness to my vision, but it only made me shiver. Maybe I'll get sick, I thought hopefully. If I did, then I could talk to Ryan today, and avoid him for a while afterward, let things sink in. Otherwise, I was afraid of what might happen, depending on what I told him after all this. Continue where we were going, or end things now? That was the burning question in my mind.

Because I spent so much time occupied with trying to figure out which direction my life would go in, I was running late when I made it to school. Before I stepped into my first class, I glanced at the parking lot. But the car I was looking for wasn't there, not in its regular spot, not anywhere. Ryan had failed to show up for school.