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The tension is buiilding - what will Jack decide?

I couldn't bear to stay with the others. I got up and gathered the mugs and rubbish and went to wash up. After that I took myself up the Tourist Office but didn't unlock the outer door, I sat doing nothing and seeing nothing. I hadn't thought I would lose Jack, not since I'd found out he couldn't die. The certainty of his presence had been the prop around which I had built my life and my dreams. To think of him not being there was devastating. My life would be in ruins – again. I had no idea how I would cope.

Beyond my personal feelings, there was Torchwood. I couldn't visualise the organisation without him. He had re-built it in 2000 and made it so much more that it had been. His knowledge and experience had fashioned our ethos and our procedures. I couldn't see any of us filling his shoes. We had tried before and it hadn't worked. I realised that without Jack I would not want to stay. To be reminded of him would be too much to bear. But I would never accept Retcon; I was going to keep my memories of Jack for as long as I lived. I would have to disappear, go somewhere they'd never think of looking.

The thought of losing Jack, of losing Torchwood, was too much and I broke down. I put my head on my folded arms on the counter and wept. I stayed like this for a long time.

"Ianto?" A gentle hand was on my back. I looked up into Toshiko's anguished eyes. "He wants us back downstairs. He's made his decision."

I took a deep breath. "I'll just wash my face." She nodded understanding and waited while I went into the back room and made myself presentable. My eyes were a bit red but I didn't look any worse that Toshiko who was also upset.

-ooOoo-

We gathered in more or less the same positions as before. Jack stood just in front of his office door. We all looked shell shocked and apprehensive. The calmest was, of course, Jack. Even in a 10 year old body he could project assurance and confidence no matter what he was feeling inside.

"I've made my decision and it's not up for discussion. I've taken into account your views and I thank you for them. Tosh, Owen do whatever you have to do. I want a shot at returning to normal." He looked at us all, one by one. When he met my gaze I saw he was determined and I tried to be strong for him. I managed a weak smile. Beside me I heard Gwen weeping softly.

"I'll start setting up," said Owen, moving to the Medical Bay. Toshiko followed him, smiling briefly as she slipped past Jack.

"Ianto, I think we'll have time for lunch before we begin. Would you order something please?"

"Of course. What would you like?" My voice was steady but I was not. This could be his last meal. Oh God, this was not fair! Why was it always Jack who had to made these hard decisions, had to suffer?

"Chinese. We haven't had that for a while." He smiled up at me and I nodded. "Would you excuse me for a while, I'd like a private word with Gwen." I moved away, down to the lower level to a desk I sometimes used. I glanced back and saw Jack sitting beside Gwen. She was weeping into his shoulder. I made the call and ordered lunch for five.

I could not bear to watch Jack and Gwen, who now had their heads close together talking softly. The tray of filing was almost full on the desk so I took it down to the Archives. I'd have about an hour before lunch arrived. Down in the tunnels I sat at the desk I used for sorting papers and stared ahead. I didn't do any filing. I didn't do anything. I let my mind run over my memories of Jack, from meeting him in Bute Park to the morning's Weevil hunt. There were happy times and sad times. Times when we'd been close and times when we'd been at odds. Times we'd embraced and made love and others when I'd called him a monster and said I'd gladly watch him die. I couldn't believe that soon all I may have of him was these few memories.

I glanced at my watch and saw that it was about time to collect lunch. I made my way up to the main level and saw Toshiko busy at her desk and Jack in his office with Owen. They were talking and I saw Jack put his childish hand on Owen's shoulder in what I took to be comfort; I hastened my pace and went up to the Tourist Office. Ten minutes later the lunch arrived and I took it down. Gwen said she wanted to eat in the Conference Room. Jack saw what we were doing and waved, indicating he and Owen would follow. Gwen and Toshiko took the food down as I made drinks. I heard Jack and Owen go into the tunnels a few minutes later. I followed close on their heels.

As I entered the Conference Room, I heard Jack say, "This looks good." He was rubbing his hands together. "Which is mine?" He was trying to be upbeat for us and we were doing the same for him. I don't think any of us were fooled.

"This one," Gwen said, indicating the head of the table. He always took that seat. He could dominate proceedings even more when he had a clear view of our faces.

"Great. Let's tuck in." He knelt on the chair and started opening the containers. I put the tray of drinks down and walked round the table with Jack's. I put it in front of him and he laughed when he saw it.

"What's this, Ianto?" asked Gwen, genuinely smiling. "I didn't know you did milkshakes."

"I had a hankering for one last night and Ianto, master of the drinks, made me one." Jack slurped through the straws. "It's really good. Thanks."

The others started talking, reminiscing about drinks and meals they'd enjoyed when they were young and which didn't seem to be available any more. Owen regretted the loss of ice cream floats which had to be explained to Toshiko. The meal passed happily, on the surface, but there was an undercurrent of anxiety. We all knew that this could be the last time Jack was here to share a meal with us. I kept quiet, just adding a word every now and again, as I looked round and recorded every moment.

Finally, we had all eaten as much as we could – our appetites had not been affected by our anxiety – and I started clearing up. Owen went with Gwen back to the main area, she was fairly steady on her feet but the doctor was taking no chances. Toshiko helped me and we soon had all the cartons, bags and mugs loaded on the tray.

"Tosh, can I have a word?" Jack was sitting properly in his chair now and Toshiko took the one next to him. He smiled at me as I left. I knew what he was doing. He was giving us all a chance to speak privately with him. It might be for the last time. I wasn't sure how I would feel when my turn came.

Next time, Jack and Ianto talk ..