It's time for Jack and Ianto to have a chat, maybe their last one ...
I got rid of all the rubbish and joined Gwen on the couch; Owen was fiddling with the equipment in the Medical Bay. I was startled when Gwen's cold fingers reached for mine and clung on tightly. She gave me a watery smile. I opened my mouth to say something but no words came. She knew how I felt and I knew how she did. What was there we could say? We could only mouth inane reassurances that neither of us believed. Instead we sat in silence, holding hands. A while later, Owen came up and sat at his desk. I assumed he'd set everything up. He swung back and forward in his chair, not looking at us, and said nothing. What was there to say?
Jack and Toshiko appeared and she went immediately to the ladies toilets, her face averted. Gwen looked after her and then up at Jack, her eyes asking if she should go after her. "Would you?" responded Jack, answering the unspoken question. I helped Gwen to stand and she followed Toshiko. "Ianto. Let's talk." Jack nodded towards his office and I slowly rose and preceded him in.
I heard the door close behind me and felt Jack's little hand on the small of my back. "Let's go downstairs, it's more private," he said. I led the way again, climbing down the ladder to Jack's quarters. We stood in silence for a minute or two, looking at one another. "I was surprised, earlier, when you said I should go ahead and do this. I was expecting you to be against it."
"You have to take the chance, Jack. I could get used you looking like that but I don't think you could. Not for the rest of your life." My eyes were watering but I blinked back the tears. I needed to be strong, to show him I could survive whatever happened.
He looked down at his boyish form. "It's not so bad. But you're right, how could I go without sex for the rest of my life?" he smirked up at me. "Come and sit down," he said, moving to the bed, "I'm getting a crick in my neck looking up at you."
I joined him on the bed and he put his arm round me. "Ianto, I have confidence in this process. And I fully expect to be back to normal very soon. But if I'm not, there are some things I need to explain. First, as I've told the others, I'm leaving Gwen in charge with Owen as her second in command. She'll need all the support you can give her, especially about those little projects of mine that only you know about, Flat Holm and the rest. I rely on you to bring these up tactfully and to help her avoid mistakes."
"I can't stay, Jack. If you're not here, I'm going to leave." I blurted this out, anxious to stop his confidences and requests. Tears were falling slowly down my cheeks and I couldn't look at him.
He was silent a moment, taken aback by my outburst. "I can see how you might feel like that now but don't make any hasty decisions. What would you do without Torchwood?"
"I'd survive. Don't ask me stay, Jack, please don't. I couldn't bear it." I broke down entirely then and I turned to bury my head in his shoulder. As he was so much smaller than normal it didn't quite work out as I'd planned and we fell back on the bed. He didn't seem to mind, he put his arms round me and held me as my body shook with renewed sobs.
"Could we compromise?" he asked after a few minutes, when I was quieter. "Could you stay for a little while? Three months? Just long enough for Gwen to find her feet. I'd be happier too, knowing you'd had time to think things through, to work out what would really be best for you."
"I want to get away, Jack. I want to forget everything about Torchwood," I protested.
"Including me?" he asked, his voice light.
"Never!" I eased myself up and looked down at him. "Never," I repeated. "I want to remember every minute we've ever spent together. I'm going to go far away, where they won't find me, and just remember you." I was keyed up now, wanting to convince him that I'd stay true to him.
He looked at me, put one hand against my cheek and cradled it. "I don't want you to do that, Yan." He spoke softly and I heard the concern in his voice. "I want you to live your life, not spend it grieving for me. I couldn't bear to think of you like that." I could see tears in his eyes and hear them in his voice. "I want you have a partner, children. I want you have love, Yan, real love. Remember me, yes, but don't exclude everyone else."
I was moved and couldn't say anything. I buried my head in his chest again and wept silently. I felt his tears too. I couldn't abandon my love for him as easily as he imagined. He didn't understand how strongly I felt for him, he never had. I hadn't shown him, never wanted him to know because I was scared it would frighten him away. He was my life. No one could replace him. But I was upsetting him, now, when he was taking the biggest gamble of his life. I should be comforting him and I was doing the opposite. I propped myself up on one elbow and looked down into his face. So different from the one I knew and loved but him nonetheless. He looked back at me, miserable and guilty.
"I can't promise that, Jack. I want to, for you, but I can't. But I will stay – for three months – as you ask. Then I'm leaving and I won't let them Retcon me. What happens then, well, that's up to fate to decide."
He regarded me solemnly. "Thank you. Remember what I've said and think about it. Promise me that?" he smiled tentatively.
"I promise." That I was happy to promise. I was going to remember every word he had ever said, every touch we had shared and every night we had spent together.
"Okay." He paused, his hand on my cheek again. "You have been so good for me. You have made me enjoy life again, when I thought I was through with all that. I know I haven't been the best of lovers … partners … whatever. But I do love you, as much as I can, Jones Ianto Jones."
We stayed motionless for long minutes, looking into one another's eyes, neither of us wishing to break the connection. I believe that for the first time we were honestly showing our feelings. His were in his eyes, still so familiar. I was sure mine were in my whole expression, my whole body. I leant down and kissed him. It was a soft, gentle kiss but he responded and it became a desperate seeking. I had closed my eyes and in my mind it was the adult I was embracing, not the child of the past 36 hours. Eventually we drew apart.
"I've missed that … and the rest," he said, smiling mischievously. It lightened the mood and I smiled at him.
"Me too." I moved back, sitting up again.
He followed suit and then stood. He went to the built in cupboards along the other side of the room. to one of the cupboards that he always kept locked. He'd told me once that it contained his most precious possessions, the things that he'd want to take with him wherever he was. It was a very small cupboard and it had saddened me at the time to think that he had such a small store of valuable items to show for such a long life. He opened it and took some papers out.
"Ianto, I really expect this process to work and that I'll be back to normal very soon. But if I'm not, and if you truly want to leave Torchwood, then you'll need funds. These papers," he handed them to me, "will allow you to access my personal bank account. Use the money to pay for this new life you seem determined on." He gave them to me. "Use it wisely," he smiled. He turned and locked the door. "And hold on to this for me," he handed me the key to the cupboard. "If I don't make it back, keep anything you want then destroy the rest."
He handed the key to me. I nodded, tears again threatening, and attached the key to my own key ring. "I'll keep it safe for you," I managed. "I'll give it back to you later." I was determined to be positive.
The process starts next time..
Many. many thanks for the reviews. I had no idea this story would attract so many.