Chapter 2: Feeling Lost

Ava drove for hours; her cell phone beeped constantly but she ignored it every time. She finally pulled over to a motel when it was getting dark, she sat in the car in the parking lot and reluctantly picked up her phone to read the messages and check the missed calls. She had 25 missed calls and 20 messages from her mother, texts from various friends asking how she was and where she was and finally 1 missed call from Steve, he'd left her a voice mail and she wanted to throw her phone out of the window, she thought for about doing it for a minute before placing it back in her bag and walking over to the motel office. She tapped on the door and waited, a middle aged woman with a kind face answered and smiled at Ava,

' Well hello dear, do you need a room?'

' Yes please, I'm sorry to bother you so late but I've been driving all day and I'm exhausted'

' No problem honey give me a minute and I'll get you a key to one of the nice room'

' Thank you' Ava stood outside waiting under the amber porch light, the night was colder here and she rubbed the tops of her arms to keep warm,

' Sorry to keep you honey' the woman said coming out with a key, Ava followed her as they walked over to the rooms, the motel was a two storey building with ten rooms in total, by the looks of things only three were currently occupied,

' This is our quiet time of year, most people stop over on their way to see family and friends for Christmas, but we get the occasional guest like yourself, how long did you need the room for?'

' Erm…I'm not really sure a few days maybe a week?'

' Oh so you'll be heading back to see your family after a week then it'll be Christmas eve by then?'

' No I don't think so, I need some time to myself'

' Been through a rough patch have you sweetie?'

' Rough doesn't begin to describe it'

' You did the right thing honey, last thing you need is everyone butting in acting like they know best when they have no idea how you feel, well here it is' she said indicating to room 9, they were on the top floor and Ava was looking out past the road, she could see a small town,

' How far away is that town?'

' About a ten minute drive, gonna treat yourself to some retail therapy?'

' Yeah maybe'

' Well I'll let you settle in it $38 a night, I'll let you get some sleep'

' Thank you…erm…'

' Janet Moon' she said smiling and walking away, Ava leant on the railing and looked up at the neon blue sign that said Moon Motel.

She barely slept that night, her phone beeped a few more times and once again she ignored it, she climbed out of bed and walked slowly to the bathroom. She began to run the hot water in the shower and looked at herself in the mirror, her bleached blonde hair was dry and coarse, her fake tan was wearing off, her bright pink nails were chipped and she looked exhausted. Ava had never realised how much being married to Steve had changed her, this wasn't her, she wasn't a Barbie and she needed to change that, she wanted to erase all traces of Steve in her life. She showered and began pulling clothes out of her bag, all the tracksuits were designer, the normal plain, everyday t-shirts were designer, everything in her bag was designer. She sighed and pulled on some jeans and a white t-shirt, Steve loved to show off about how much money he had, she'd been more of an accessory than a wife, a living Barbie for him to trot around with, she had to change.

She walked down the steps to the parking lot and saw Janet cleaning the office windows,

' Morning honey, you sleep well?'

' Not really but it's me not your motel'

' I'm sorry honey, if you ever need to talk I'm here for you'

' Thanks Janet I'll be back in a little while'.

Ava spent a few hours in town, she bought herself a new wardrobe, none of which were designer, and went to the local hair salon. She walked in a bottle blonde and left a chocolate brunette, she had the pink taken off her nails and left them natural, she had a skin scrub to remove the left over fake tan and purchased some new make up. She parked back outside the motel and Janet walked out to greet her,

' Well someone's had a makeover'

' Is it an improvement?'

' Well you look less like the Barbie I had as a kid, I like it honey it's more you'

' Thanks Janet'

' Oh by the way honey there was a bin bag full of designer clothes outside your room, are you really throwing them away?'

' Janet if you want them they're yours' Janet smiled and thanked her before returning to the office.

Ava sat in her room and pulled her new cell phone out of a bag, she typed in the numbers of people she wanted to speak to and ignored most of the others. She called her mother who was frantic, after an hour of insisting she was ok and she needed some time her mother finally calmed down and the two talked. Steven's voice mail message extinguished her good mood immediately, he simply said:

" Ava I've started divorce proceedings, I'll send the papers to your mother and she can forward them to you, I'm sorry for the way this has ended Ava "

Ava sighed and poured herself a drink to settle her nerves; she lit a cigarette and stood outside looking out at the desert in the distance. She liked it here, it was calm and no one looked at her in pity, she thought back to her time in the hospital and how every day had dealt her another crushing blow, being hit by a car, losing her baby, having a dislocated shoulder popped back in to it's joint, the constant haemorrhaging that almost killed her, the operation on her womb to stop the bleeding, the infection following surgery that went undetected for a week, being told the infection had caused more damage than suspected and that the chances of her ever conceiving a baby were now down to 10%, they may as well have said you've got a shot in hell but don't get your hopes up. She downed the rest of her drink and wiped her eyes as she took a long drag on her cigarette,

' Need to talk honey?' she jumped as Janet walked up next to her.

It turned out Janet was a good listener, she sat quietly while Ava poured her heart out and told her everything, when she was finished Janet leant forward and held Ava's hand as she let a few tears fall from her eyes,

' Don't let one stupid prick ruin your life and definitely don't let him make you lose your faith honey he's not worth it'

' I know you're right I really do but I just can't help…'

' Feeling lost?'

' Exactly'

' I know how you feel honey, I was never able to have children and it destroyed me, I was so angry I wrecked my marriage and ended up alone and then one day I woke up and realised I couldn't spend my life like that, that was the day I found god'

' I think god hates me'

' That's funny I said the same thing to the priest the first time I went to church but I came to realise that god doesn't hate us, we hate ourselves admit it honey on some level you think it was all your fault?'

' I…I do think that'

' Then stop right now, you didn't choose for your husband to cheat on you, you didn't choose for that car to hit you and you didn't choose to lose your child, none of it is your fault honey' Ava smiled for the first time in weeks and Janet squeezed her hand.

She walked Janet out of her room and stood at the railings looking out into the dark sky, the Moon Motel sign gave off a luminous blue light to everything around it. She was looking around when she saw a man standing at the edge of the walkway outside the rooms; he was down the other end of it to her and was looking straight at her. Ava felt unnerved, he didn't move he just stood and watched her and she finally moved quickly back into her room, locking the door behind her.