14
Home Again?

Kaoru smiled as Ataru poured her tea. It was a bright, sunny summer afternoon, and they were picnicking in the shade of a tall tree beside a sleepy stream.

Since her arrival in Seiyo, she had spent most of her time with Ataru, letting him squire her about town. He showed her the sights, took her to dinner each night, entertained her with tales of outlaws he had captured. He was good company, easy to talk to, an interested listener.

Kaoru welcomed his presence. He helped fill the days and take her mind from Kenshin. She cried whenever she thought of her precious Wild Boy lying dead in the valley. What good was living when he was gone? What difference did it make if the sun was warm and the days bright and beautiful? Kenshin was gone.

When she was with Ataru, she forced herself to smile, to laugh, to pretend all was well. Alone in her room in the inn, she sat on the edge of her bed, staring blankly at the wall. All that filled her mind were her days with Kenshin. Her stolen happiness.

Ataru paused in his tale of arresting a particularly nasty character, aware that Kaoru was no longer listening. He had taken a long-overdue vacation in order to spend time with her, daily falling more and more in love, even though he knew she didn't feel the same about him. Looking at her now, he saw that her eyes were soft and dreamy and she thinking about that Wild Boy again. How long did she intend to grieve for that damned little savage, he wondered irritably. How could she have fallen in love with that man in the first place? She was a sweet young woman. How could she have given her heart to a dragoner?

Ataru frowned. It was easy to recall what the Wild Boy had been like. Long red hair, small-built. Had been impassive, even to the point of being considered catatonic the whole ride to Seiyo after his capture--or surrender, as it were. Even so, Ataru hadn't detected any softness in him, no trace of warmth. Why had Kaoru been so drawn to him? Why couldn't she forget him now that he was dead?

Smiling, he reached out to tug at her sleeve. "Hey?" he called softly. "Remember me?"

"I'm sorry, Ataru," she said quietly. "I guess I was daydreaming."

"About him?" He couldn't help the faint note of bitterness in his voice.

"Yes."

"He's dead," Ataru stated flatly. "Dead and gone. You've got to get on with your own life, Kaoru. You can't grieve forever."

"I'm not grieving, not really. I'm…remembering."

"Damn it, I--" Ataru broke off at the expression of dismay in her eyes. Clenching his hands at his sides, he stood up and walked downstream, his mouth set in a hard line. Sometimes he wanted to strangle her, to shake her so hard that it would knock all thoughts of that damned Wild Boy out of her mind. He'd spent his whole life looking for a woman like Kaoru, and now that he'd found her, she was in love with a ghost! He almost wished the dragoner was still alive. A man of flesh could be faced and defeated, but a memory? How did a man go about fighting a memory?

Kaoru let out a long sigh. She hadn't meant to hurt Ataru, but she couldn't help how she felt. She loved Kenshin with all her heart. She would never love anyone that way again, perhaps never anyone at all, as she had already told Ataru. Their time together had been short, so terribly short, and yet he had touched every fiber of her being, infiltrated her senses, completely captured her heart, so that there was no room for anyone else, not even a man as decent as Ataru. For a time, Kenshin had been her whole life. He had been father, mother, friend, and lover. Ataru seemed to think that, because Kenshin had been a Wild Boy, Kaoru's love for him could not have been real. But she has never known anymore more real. Even right here and right now wasn't as real as the intangible joy of being loved by him.

She smoothed her clothes, then folded her hands in her lap as she heard Ataru's returning footsteps.

"I'm sorry," he said. He sat beside her, hands gripping his knees.

"Perhaps we shouldn't see each other anymore," Kaoru suggested.

"Is that what you want?"

"No. I enjoy the time we spend together. It's just that we always seem to end up talking about the same thing, and then you get angry. I can't help how I feel. I loved Kenshin. I always will."

Ataru nodded, his eyes studying her. "He must have been quite a guy," he muttered enviously.

"He was. He was strong and gentle and reliable, and he loved me. I felt safe with him."

"And how do you feel about me?"

"I'd love you if I could," Kaoru said fervently. "I think you're a wonderful man. Perhaps, if I had met you first…" She shrugged. "Who knows?"

"I'm a patient man. I still think you'll fall in love again, and I want to be there when the time comes."

Kaoru smiled wistfully, but said nothing. Maybe Ataru was right. But she doubted it the same way she doubted she could hold a snowflake in the palm of her hand all summer long.

"My vacation's over the day after tomorrow, and I probably won't see you for a while."

"Oh?"

"I'm going after a band that raided the next town over a couple of days ago. I've got a pretty good idea of where they'll go to ground, and I plan to be there when they do."

"That sounds dangerous."

He shrugged. "Could be, but I've got two dozen men to back me up."

"I'll…miss you."

She swallowed at the way his eyes alighted. "Will you, Kaoru?"

She nodded. It was true, she would miss him. He was the only friend she had.

"That's the best news I've had in days," he exclaimed jubilantly. Catching her hands in his, he stood and pulled her to her feet, then twirled her around until she was dizzy and breathless. "I love you, Kaoru," he said, his heart in his voice. "I love you very much."

Kaoru didn't resist when he kissed her. His mouth was cool and firm, gentle but insistent. It was a pleasant kiss, but it stirred no emotion, sparked no flame. Ataru didn't seem to notice.

He took her to dinner the following evening. He insisted she order the most expensive meal the restaurant had to offer, and ordered chilled sake with dinner. Kaoru had never tasted the drink before, and after the first few swallows, she found she rather liked the stuff. It relaxed her, making the present seem wonderful and past and future unimportant.

Ataru complimented her dressing, the color of her eyes, the beauty of her smile. He gazed into her face all during dinner, smiling at her as if she were the most fascinating and desirable woman he'd ever known. They talked of his family, and she felt a sense of envy. How wonderful, to belong to a close-knit family, to know there were people who loved you and cared for you, who were there when you needed them. He told her of how his bothers always teased him because he still hadn't found the "right" woman and settled down.

"Maybe I'll surprise them this year," he said, and Kaoru looked away, unable to face the hope shining in his eyes.

Later, walking home, he placed her hand on his arm, then covered her hand with his own. It was a beautiful, star-studded night, warm and clear, fragrant with the aroma of honeysuckle. There was no one else on the street and they strolled along as if they were the only two people in the world...just as once, she had Kenshin had walked through the canyon as the only two people in the world.

There was a narrow alley between the inn and the newspaper office, and when they reached it, Ataru drew Kaoru into the shadows and kissed her, his mouth coaxing, demanding a response. His arms were loose around her waist, gradually growing tighter as his kiss deepened, until her chest was flattened against his.

For just a moment, Kaoru let her battered soul enjoy the warmth of his arms. It felt good to be held, to know that someone cared. She felt so alone. Kenshin was dead, her aunt and uncle did not love her.

Ataru was murmuring in her ear, whispering that he adored her. His hands stroked her back, slid down her sides, his thumbs stroking her breasts.

His touch on such an intimate part of her body snapped her out of her dreamy state and she pulled away, her expression reflecting her indignation. No one but Kenshin had ever touched her like that.

"Kaoru, I'm sorry," he said hoarsely. "Forgive me. It's just that…I'm sorry."

"It's all right," she murmured. But it wasn't. It really wasn't.

"Come on," he said, reaching for her hand. "I'll walk you to your room."

Kaoru's thoughts were chaotic as they entered the inn and moved through the hall. Kenshin was dead. Ataru said he loved her, but he was leaving town tomorrow and might be gone for weeks, perhaps months. She was alone in a strange town, with no one to care for her. She had money, enough to get by on for quite some time, but no friends. There were very few decent women in town, and the ones Kaoru had seen did not appear friendly. Ataru would probably continue to court her, always hoping she would learn to care for him, when she knew it would never happen. She liked him, felt a warm affection for him, but she would never love him. Better to end it now than let it go on.

By the time they reached her room, she had made the decision. She was going home, back to her aunt and uncle.

He gave her hand a squeeze. "I'll miss you. Think of me a little while I'm gone."

"I will. Promise me you'll be careful."

"I promise. I'll be the most careful lawman this territory has ever seen."

Kaoru watched him walk down he hallway, her thoughts leaping forward to tomorrow. The thought of going home kept her awake all that night, and she was at the stage depot early the following morning, only to discover that the next stage going in her direction wouldn't arrive for three weeks.

She thought the days would never pass but finally the sunny morning arrived that she climbed aboard the coach that would take her back to her hometown.

Making herself as comfortable as possible on the hard leather seat, she leaned back and closed her eyes. It…would be good to see the ranch again, to swim in the lake, to work the land and see things grow again. She wondered if her aunt and uncle had missed her at all, if they would be pleased to have her back again. She had run off with a Wild Boy after all. They had never been fond of her. Perhaps now they would disown her completely.

It didn't make her journey any more bearable, and yet, in spite of it all, she was glad to be going home.