17
Haunting Dreams

It was a country of ravines, bluffs, canyons, and valleys, a wild, untamed land that few New People had ever seen. White-throated swifts, rock wrens, and cliff swallows nested on the face of high white cliffs. So much undisturbed wildlife roamed the wooded canyons.

Kaoru had never felt so alone. The loneliness had nothing to do with the absense people in the area, but was born of the deep gulf that had once against stretched between herself and Kenshin. He had withdrawn into himself completely, and once again shut her out. He rarely spoke, and she almost never saw his eyes. And in the few times she did, there was a haunting bitterness and sadness. His guilt was overwhelming, that he hadn't been there with his people when the camp had been attacked.

He spent long hours away from her. Hunting, he said, and he always came back with game. But she knew he was avoiding her. Several times she tried to speak to him, tried to persuade him to tell her what he was feeling, to tell her what she could do to help, but he never had an answer for her.

A few weeks slid by this way. Kaoru was sick at heart over the breach between then, but she was too busy to dwell on it. Kenshin had salvaged one of the hide tents and it took her several days to repair it and make it livable. There was food to prepare, wood and water to gather, herbs and vegetables to dig. She tanned the hides Kenshin brought her and spent long hours fashioning warm garments for the two of them. It seemed to Kaoru that they had spent most of their life together setting up housekeeping only to have their efforts destroyed by one calamity or another.

Life soon settled into a routine of sorts. They had a snug home, clothes to last through the coming winter, a good supply of fresh meat and jerky.

And now, with the hardest portion of setting up a new camp behind them, the rift between them loomed larger than ever. Kenshin had not touched her since the camp was destroyed, and she longed to be held in his arms, to feel the security of his strength, to hear his voice whispering that he loved her. But he didn't seek her bed, and she had no idea of how to cross the distance between them.

Kenshin stirred restlessly, unable to sleep for the conflicting emotions that warred within him. He glanced at Kaoru, sleeping peacefully across the fire, then got up quietly and left the tent.

Outside, the night was cool and quiet. The ever-countless stars twinkled above, a quarter moon hung low in the sky. Slowly, he began to walk the narrow, winding stream that watered the valley. He was treating Kaoru unfairly, and he knew it. It wasn't her fault that she was a New Person, nor would he wish her to be anything but what she was. And yet…yet some of his ever-growing hatred for the New People had spilled over onto her. He had walked through the camp after he had killed the soldiers, saw the mutilated bodies of men he had fought alongside, women he had spoken with, children whose laughter he had shared, and it had been as though his heart had turned to stone.

It is enough, his soul had cried in anguish. It is enough.

He had covered the bodies with blankets and hides, placing family members together. He should have been there when it happened. Then most of these people might still live. He lingered by Sumi's body, remembering both the kindness she had shown and the times she kept offering herself to him.

Love hurt so much… He thought of his precious sister, an orphan taking in another orphan so that they might love each other in place of their lost parents. He wondered about those parents. He thought of his own mother and father, one of which must have bequeathed him with his bright red hair and life of distinction, wondered how he had come to be crawling alone out in the forest before a little dragon girl had come out and found him? Did the New People kill them too? Would they destroy everything, in the end? Would they continue to take away pieces of his soul until there was nothing left? He thought of Kaoru, growing big with his child…if he lost her, it would be more than he could bear. He had known that for a long time. And so he had shut her out of his heart, refusing to touch her, not speaking to her unless it was absolutely necessary.

But his body betrayed him. He might lie to himself. He might tell himself that he no longer loved her, he might pretend to scorn her because she was born of the Enemy, but his body cried out for her touch, for the taste of her kiss, for the comfort of her arms.

So he walked, hour after hour, tormented by the needless deaths of his people, by his inability to stop it, but the loss of all he held dear. Walked until his body was weary and cried out for rest. Only then did he return to the tent and the blessed forgetfulness of sleep.

Kaoru woke early. The night had been troubled, pride warring with need. Time and again she had started to each out for Kenshin, to beg him to tell her what was wrong between them, to plead for his love again. If only he would talk to her, perhaps she could help. If he spoke of his pain, it would be easier to bear.

She looked at Kenshin and saw that he was in his usual place, sitting up with the sword on his shoulder, still asleep.

She needed him, needed his strength now more than ever. Why didn't he know that? She was carrying his child, and while the thought of having Kenshin's baby filled her with delight, she didn't know anything of childbirth, nothing of caring for an infant. She needed reassurance, needed to know that he still cared.

She left her bed and stepped out of their lodgings. Perhaps a long walk would help her feel better. Wrapping her arms around herself, she followed the path of the stream, lost in thought. Things couldn't go on like this indefinitely. She would have to confront him soon, force him to speak with her…

…and if he still refused, what then?

She was about to turn back for home when a low growl sounded from behind a tangled clump of brush. Kaoru took a step backward as a big black bear reared up on its hind legs, its pointed snout sniffing the air.

She felt herself go cold with fear as she began to back away. The movement excited the bear and it dropped down on all fours and pushed its way through the brush, lumbering toward her, its thick pink tongue lolling out the side of its mouth.

Kaoru continued to back away, unable to take her eyes from the animal. Though not nearly as impressive as a dragon, it was still so big, and had nothing of a dragon's reason. Its teeth were yellow, claws plenty long enough, sharp enough, to tear her to shreds.

She was about to turn and run when Kenshin's voice came from her left. "Don't move."

She obeyed without hesitation, though her heart was pounding like a runway locomotive.

The bear continued toward her, its rank breath carried to her by the faint breeze. She closed her eyes, but she wasn't truly afraid anymore. Kenshin was here.

There was a rush of wind and a deep thump, and when she opened her eyes, the bear lay dead and Kenshin stood between them, blood dripping from the length of his sword.

She felt the strength drain from her limbs as she stared at the bear, knew she would have fallen if Kenshin hadn't stepped forward and slipped his arm around her waist.

"Kaoru!" he scolded. "What were you doing so far from camp?" He shook her once, then drew her close. "Why did you leave without waking me?"

"I needed some time alone," she said. She began to shiver as she thought of what would have happened if Kenshin hadn't come looking for her when he did.

"Kenshin," she said softly. "Please don't hate me anymore."

The hard shell around Kenshin's heart cracked and he buried his face in her hair, then, jabbing the point of his sword into the ground, he placed his hands on either side of her face and looked into her eyes, felt the sweet pain of loving her mushroom in his heart.

"I don't hate you, my love," he said fervently. "I could never hate you."

"But you've never been so far away from me. Why did you shut me out now?"

"I've been punishing myself," he admitted.

"Kenshin…"

He placed a hand over her mouth, stifling her words. "I knew I wouldn't want to live if you were taken from me, so I…I tried to stop loving you." He smiled ruefully. "Only those you love can hurt you, and that is pain that I can't bear without breaking but so many times."

He glanced at the bear, and then his eyes moved to her face again. "You might have been killed," he said thickly, "and it would have been my fault for driving you away, and here is all this time I have wasted, trying not to love you when that's all I've wanted to do. Forgive me, Kaoru-dono. I've behaved badly. You should be very angry with me."

Kaoru laughed, a little giddily. Turning her head, she grasped one of her hands and kissed the palm. "There's nothing to forgive," she said. "Just don't shut me out again. I can bear anything but your indifference."

Kenshin smiled as he drew her body against his. "Oh, I was never indifferent toward you, my love."

Kaoru's arms slid around his neck as he kissed her, filling her with wonder and desire and a sense of coming home. Once again, she was back where she belonged.

The days grew shorter, the nights longer and colder. Great storms made war in the heavens, and Kaoru huddled in Kenshin's arms, hiding from the rolling crashes of thunder that shook the earth and the jagged bolts of lightning that slashed through the clouds.

Winter had come with a vengeance. It rained for days on end, making it virtually impossible to leave the tent. A great depression settled over Kaoru as one storm followed another. She tried to keep occupied by sewing clothes for the baby, but she was haunted by a recurring nightmare in which her child was born dead and she herself lay gasping for breath, calling for a doctor who wouldn't come. Morbid thoughts seemed to hover around her continually, and she couldn't shake them off.

Kenshin was troubled by her lethargy, by the dark shadows under her eyes. She rarely smiled now, and never laughed. When he asked her what was wrong, she couldn't tell him. Daily, she seemed to grow thinner, so that her rounding belly seemed even larger than it was.

It was on a cold, snowy night that she woke in tears, her nightmares so real that she was certain her child had been born right into his death.

Kenshin woke at her first cry, his eyes dark with concern as he gathered Kaoru, sobbing, into his arms. "Kaoru, please tell me what's troubling you," he begged. "Please? I can't help you if I don't know what's wrong."

Kaoru shook her head. She couldn't tell him she was a coward, that she was afraid of something as simple and ordinary as childbirth. And how could she tell him about the nightmares? Surely he would think she was just being silly. But they were so real, so terrifyingly real.

"Don't you trust me, Kaoru?" he queried softly.

"Of course I trust you."

"Then you must trust me to help you. I can't stand seeing you this way."

With a sigh, Kaoru buried her face in his shoulder. "I'm afraid," she whispered. "I dream of the baby. It's a boy, and he's so beautiful, so perfect. But he doesn't breath, Kenshin, he doesn't breathe!"

A cold chill slithered down Kenshin's spine. His people believed in dreams, in visions, in spiritual manifestations. Were Kaoru's nightmares simply a normal part of her pregnancy, part of the fear that all women had when their time drew near, or was it a warning?

He cradled her, rocking gently, while his mind worked. They could…go back to Himura, he supposed. He had been avoiding that because he didn't want to find out if the hill villages were barring out New People the way the colonies in the mountains were now. Hiko wouldn't keep them out of his own village, of course, but in a moment of weakness, Kenshin simply did not want to know if the hate had finally infected his people so deeply, did not want to linger on the thought that perhaps one day the dragons would begin rejecting even their own humans if things continued down this path.

But even as he thought of it, Himura wouldn't really be any better than just staying here alone. One thing the New People definitely had over the drake people was medicine. Those who lived with fur drakes had little to fear with normal things, and their knowledge with herbs was good, but difficult childbirth was a concern for everyone. The blood of fur drakes could do nothing for this any more than it could give breath to a stillborn pup.

But there were doctors in the New People towns who had great knowledge, would know what to do about all sorts of impediments…if it would save both Kaoru and the child…

He set his jaw. "It's all right. We have time before the child is born. I'll take you home when the snow melts."

Kaoru frowned up at him. "Home?"

"Back to your hometown."

"What? No! I won't leave you!"

"It's for the best. The doctors there have a better chance of seeing the pup born safely than my people would."

Kaoru shook her head stubbornly. "I won't go unless you stay with me."

"You know I can't. Remember the Enemies are hunting me?"

"Then I'm not going. I want to be with you when the baby comes."

"I have to take you, Kaoru."

"Please don't leave me."

Kenshin smiled, placing a hand over her belly. "I will never leave you. Never. I'll always be close by, and after the pup is born, I'll come and take you away."

Kaoru remained thoughtful for a long while. She didn't want to be separated from Kenshin even for a day, but the thought of going back to Iyo, where there were real doctors and clinics, to have her baby eased her troubled mind. There would be so much less to fear.

"I don't mean to be trouble."

"You're no trouble," Kenshin said, tracing patterns on her cheek with his thumb. "You give me nothing but happiness."

"I think I would like to have that son," she said dreamily. "But strong and healthy and breathing and wailing…"

He chuckled. "I would like that, but a daughter would be welcome too." He kissed her tenderly, and then pressed his lips to her forehead. "Sleep now. Dream only happy dreams."

She did then, and he could see the peace in her that had been absent these many nights past. But for Kenshin, there was to be no sleep that night. He spent the long hours until dawn studying the face of the woman he loved. He didn't blame her for being afraid. She was still young for her years. Still unaccustomed to living off the land, still trying to overcome a childhood that had been discouraging and throughly unsocialized.

He rose with the dawn and left the shelter. Outside, the world was covered with a fresh white blanket of white. Overhead, the sky was a clear, vibrant blue.

He stood quietly for a moment, then lifted his face, his soul seeking his sister's. He let the sun's glow bathe his face for a time, then he returned to his shelter, his heart filled with peace as always when he sought her love for guidance.

And for Kaoru, there were no more bad dreams.