Heya! So I decided to do one chapter as a letter/phone call and the next chapter as text/emails etc. I know there isn't much Brittana interaction in this chapter but I need it to be that way so you can all understand the circumstances families are under when loved ones/other halves are away at war. I have to be quick posting this. Thank you all so much for your kind words! Ah! I'm so excited! Enjoy!
I placed Santana's letter back in its envelope, resealed it and put it in the box with all her other letters. I breathed deeply, inhaling the scent of roasting pumpkin seeds. It made me want to cry some more.
"Mommy?" Came the softest of voices behind me. I turned around and was faced with my eight-year-old daughter, Elzette. I smiled at her, thankfully, and held out my arms for her to climb onto my lap. I was sat in front of the fire, just as Santana had pictured, and was watching Pervy sweep his small tail backwards and forwards as he sat watching the flames intently.
"Yes, Ellie?"
The small blonde girl wrapped her arms around me tightly, and whispered, "You look sad."
I sighed. "I'm okay, honey. I just wish your Mama was here."
"Do you miss her, Mommy?"
"Of course, Ellie." I replied, stroking her hair. "I miss her every day."
Ellie snuggled her face into the crook of my neck. "I miss Mama too."
I squeezed her tighter, kissing her ear. "Mama loves you lots and lots and she's going to ring you tomorrow. I promise."
"Really?" Ellie squeaked, pulling back, her face red. "Really, truly, honestly?"
I laughed. "Really, truly, honestly."
She squeaked once more before snuggling herself into me. We stayed there for a while, finding some comfort in each other's relaxed breathing. The smell of roasting pumpkin seeds wafted through to the living room again and I hummed contently. Will was doing a great job of them.
At the thought of him, my sixteen-year-old son walked softly through the door, his dark brown hair glistening with hair gel.
"Dinner's ready, Mom." He smiled before returning to the kitchen to dish up.
"Come on, Ellie." I said, lifting her into my arms and padding towards the dining room. Christmas Eve was always a favourite in my family. Ever since the twins were born, Santana and I would bang on the good old carols and decorate the table in a different theme each year. The first year, we had gone all out, buying Christmas balloons, Christmas candles, fake snow, real Ivy and real Holly, mistletoe and a singing Santa that sat in the centre of the table. Last year, Santana had decorated the table with Will's twin sister, Renata, or as my wife liked to call her, Tee. They had brought Mexican piñatas and hung them above every chair and Christmas candy dominated the table in every single corner. Not a section of wood was revealed, putting Will, Ellie and my red and green attempt the year before to absolute shame.
This year, Will and Ellie had found an old silver sheet which they had draped over the wood and had several holes around the edges. Ellie had made cut out paper people of everyone in her family and had placed them in front of everyone's places. As I sat down in my seat, giggling at the overly tall paper person meant to be me, I glanced to my right and realised my little girl had made one for Santana.
Just as I was about to ask if she forgot, Will came in with a steaming bowl of pumpkin soup and said, "Mama's here in spirit."
I glanced at him appreciatively and asked Ellie if she'd go and get Renata. She smiled and hopped off her seat, and the sound of her racing up the stairs brought a tender smile to my face. I remembered Santana and I doing that when we were kids.
Will returned with a plate of pumpkin seeds and placed them next to the soup. He sat down and said, "When Renata's down, we can start."
"This looks beautiful, Will." I said, leaning over to kiss his cheek. "Thank you."
"I thought I'd make Mama's favourite so it felt like she was with us." He grinned sheepishly when I smiled warmly at him. Never had my son been so thoughtful.
"Mom, you look upset. Did you get a letter today?" He asked, placing spoons in the bowls.
"Yeah," I breathed, rubbing my eyes with my hands. "Yeah, it was tough."
I bit my lip so I wouldn't cry. I hated crying in front of my children.
"We'll be okay, Mom." Will said, attempting to cheer me up. "Uncle Kurt and Uncle Blaine are coming over tomorrow with baby Alice. They'll make you feel better."
I smiled at him, taking his hand. "You guys make me feel better."
Will was about to speak when Ellie came charging into the dining room declaring Renata was asleep. I sighed, excusing myself from my son and wondered up the stairs.
This was happening a lot, since Santana left. Renata used to spend a lot of her time cooped up in her bedroom, editing the photos she had had taken that day because that was what she loved doing. It never bothered either me or Santana. But since my wife had gone, my beautiful Spanish daughter never even came down to say hello. She would only come down if we asked her to come and eat and even then, we'd often find her wrapped in her duvet, sound asleep.
I turned right and down into my daughter's bedroom, the lights switched off except for the pink fairy lights she had draped across the head of her bed. I tip toed up to her and bent down, sliding my thumb across her cheek gently. This whole situation was so hard. And I hated that I could never tell what Renata was feeling or thinking like I could with Will and Ellie. Even when I ask her to come on my dog walks with me, or when I ask her to tag along to one of my dance classes, I can never tell if she's enjoying it or if she's just there because she's told to be. It hurts that I can't get through to her and it hurts even more that I know Santana can. If my wife was here, Renata wouldn't be acting like this. She would be back to her normal, bubbly, adorable self.
I miss the way she used to come out with something really random she had learnt that day and smile afterwards – oh, that irresistible smile she gives when she's really proud of herself – and then never be able to rid that smile for the rest of the day. I miss the way she used to giggle at things we all said, especially Will. I miss the way she would edit her photos and then come downstairs to show us all on the TV. All she does now is mope in her room and sleep. I don't even know if she drinks or eats unless I come upstairs with something for her.
I closed my eyes, letting her breath fall onto my face. When I opened them, I kissed my daughter's forehead and softly whispered to her.
"Renata? Renata, sweetie, Will's made us dinner. Please come downstairs?"
She opened her eyes tiredly and sighed. "Coming."
I was so delighted, I kissed her forehead again. But she didn't seem to mind. She just slid out of her bed, reached for the nearest hoodie and followed me downstairs.
We ate in silence and it hurt because I knew it was because Santana wasn't here. There was no one to tell Ellie she could drink from the can instead of getting a glass. There was no one to tease Will that they would all get food poisoning from his cooking. There was no one to sling their arm around Renata's frail shoulders and make her giggle with their whispered jokes. There was no one to place their hand on my thigh and tell me they love me and tell my children they love them too.
Who knew Santana could be so sappy?
"I like this, Will." Ellie commented, dipping her finger into her bowl of pumpkin soup. "It tastes like Mama."
"That's because she's here with us, El." Will replied, ruffling her blonde hair.
"Don't mess up my hair, stupid!" She cried, slapping his hand away. "I just brushed it because Mama was always telling me to brush it."
Will removed his hand, smirking, whilst I tried hard not to cry at the fact my daughter had just used the past tense on my wife. It was almost like Santana had died. I bit my tongue and deep breathed for several seconds before taking another mouthful and, like Ellie, tasting every bit of Santana. The tears threatened again.
"I love you, Mommy." Ellie said, placing her little hand on top of mine. I loved that she'd sensed my discomfort but at the same time, I wished she wasn't so aware of everything. It might help in other circumstances.
"Yeah, me too, Mom." Will agreed, smiling my way. I smiled back, squeezing Ellie's hand and taking another mouthful.
"I love you both too," I replied, looking at Renata. "All of you."
She didn't make any acknowledgement to the fact I'd just spoken to her. She merely placed another timid spoonful of soup into her mouth and stared into the candle that was flickering silently in the middle of the table. I pretended it didn't hurt and carried on eating.
Why did it have to be so hard without Santana? I thought, scraping the last bit of soup into my mouth. Oh, San, I miss you so much. Please just come home.
"Ellie, do not touch anything until you have wiped off all that grease from your hands." I scolded, watching her lick them carelessly. If Santana were here, she would be laughing at my parenting.
"Oh, Britt," She would say, tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear, "You're so funny when you do that."
"Do what San?" I would say, knowing full well what she meant.
"You know what, babe." Santana would answer, looking at me with those eyes that could never fail to relax me.
And I would know what.
I hadn't realised I was smiling until I caught Renata looking at me funny. I giggled bashfully but instead of laughing with me, she turned back to her food and shoved in another mouthful of soup.
"Do you not want your bread, Tee?" I asked her, trying to ignore the pain I felt.
She looked up at me like I was stupid and said, "I'm not really that hungry."
I sighed, taking it from her and eating it myself. "You sure? 'Cause it's really good."
She nodded, swirling her soup around the bowl. I watched as she took another timid mouthful before she placed her spoon down delicately and declared she was full. I gave her a sensitive look but she shrugged and pushed her bowl a little further forward.
Once again, I sighed, and with the help of Will, we cleared the table into the kitchen, little Ellie chatting away about how pumpkin soup was her new favourite food and that Will needed to open a cafe called 'Pumpkin Soup Cafe' and only make and sell pumpkin soup so that it would become world famous and he would get lots and lots of money which he could then spend on her for the rest of his life.
When I got back to the dining room, I asked Renata if she wanted to join us downstairs to play Twister before she hurried back upstairs. You'd have thought I'd asked her if she wanted to die by hanging or by shooting, she looked so terrified and torn. After a while, I said she could stay upstairs if she liked but was welcome to join us.
"I'll be down in a minute." She whispered, offering a tiny smile. I smiled lightly and went and found Will and Ellie already setting it out.
It had been Santana's idea to play Twister every Christmas Eve when the twins were eight. It had been a family tradition since then; for eight years. Nobody ever went out on Christmas Eve because they couldn't bear to miss this family showdown. Even if they got invited to the most extravagant of parties, or Brittany had a dance class gathering, they would never ever go because they could not miss the family game of Twister.
It was the first year someone had not been here.
It was the first year Santana had been away.
It was the first year not all of them had been jumping up and down with excitement to play.
It hurt Brittany so much.
...
To: tee_pierce_lopez
From: Lopez08
Message: Hey gorgeous girl I just managed to get into the office at base to send you a quick message. I hope you're okay and that your photos are looking magnificent! I saw that you put some on Facebook of the snow New York just had. It looks beautiful, Tee. I'm so jealous. It's very hot here, today, so I've been spraying myself and Lolly with water. She didn't like it; she kept barking at me. If your Mom's getting at you for not doing your homework, tell her you Mama knows you're gonna do it eventually. I miss you a lot, Tee. I really wish I could come and sit on your bed with you and gossip about all the kids at school and help you edit all your beautiful photos. Make sure Will is looking after your Mom and give both him and my baby girl Ellie a big smooch from me! And please, Tee... please look after your Mom. I miss her so much and she needs you guys this year. She and I have never had a Christmas apart. Not even when we were kids. It's so hard being away from the one you love – harder than I ever imagined. Always remind her how incredible she is for me and I'll call you tomorrow. Merry Christmas, baby girl. Lots of love, Mama. x
...
I spun the wheel for the kids, watching them giggle at each other from across the multicoloured mat. Will was such a joker.
"Right hand red!" I exclaimed, looking up to see the two of them stretch. I giggled when I saw that Will had to reach further than little Ellie.
"Great one, Mom."
I spun the wheel again. "Left foot blue."
I laughed again as Will towered himself over Ellie's tiny body.
"Don't squish me, William!" She squawked from beneath him.
I smiled as I spun the wheel once more. I really wished Renata would-
"Mom?" Came her soft voice from behind me. I looked up and before I could say anything, she leant down and planted a kiss on my forehead. She then came and sat beside me, cuddling into my side and told me she'd join in on the next game.
I could not contain my smile.
I wrapped my arms around her and together we spun the wheel for Will and Ellie.
"Imagine if Mama could see me now!" Ellie squealed, shaking as she tried to remain in the crab position. "She'd be so annoyed that she'd be the first one out because this year I can do it better!"
I laughed, tensing a little at the mention of Santana. I didn't want Renata to freeze up again. I glanced a little to my right and noticed the slim Spanish girl look down and twist her thumbs together. I snuggled in closer to her and she responded by resting her head on my shoulder. I smiled again.
"I love you, Tee." I whispered, pressing my lips to the side of her head.
"Love you too, Mom."
After we finished playing our game of Twister, and Will and I had officially drawn, we pulled out a tray from under the kitchen cabinet and loaded it with two mince pies, a small glass of sherry, a big glass of milk and a carrot for Rudolph. We then got out a glass mixing bowl and filled it with some oats and a tub of glitter Ellie had fetched from her room. We mixed it together and went out onto the balcony from Santana and my room. We each took a handful and scattered it into the pots of flowers and over the small table and chairs we had out there. Renata scattered her handful out into the night air so it fell delicately to the street below.
"For Mama," She whispered, clasping my hand and snuggling into my side. I hugged her back and brought my other arm around Ellie whose hand was clutched around Will's. I sighed and brought them all closer.
The sound of the city whirred beneath us, little yellow taxis zipping here and there getting people to Christmas Eve occasions all over the place. The occasional honk could be heard over the upper city whirl. If only Santana could be here to share this with them all.
"Now the reindeer will be able to see where we are!" Ellie exclaimed, gripping my hand tighter. "And Mama."
And Mama. I smiled at the sweetness of my youngest.
Standing there, all four of us looking out into the depths of the city, I tried my absolute hardest to send my soul mate nearly all of my heart so I could leave just a little bit for the rest of us. I knew she could feel it. I knew because I came up in goose bumps and my heart started beating faster than it had beat in a long, long while.
I'm going to end it there for now. I promise that next chapter will involve a lot more Brittana and I am promising now that Faberry will be introduced at some point. But not as a couple... Yet ;) Please review if you have a moment! It means the world, it really does. And please tell me what you'd like to see... any interactions between any couples/kids that'd you'd like me to incorporate or moments between anyone that's suitable to families going through this, this year. Thank you!