I enjoyed writing this chapter even though the phone call was heartbreaking. Please tell me what you like and what you don't like, especially. Tell me what I'm doing right and specifically what I am doing wrong. I must know because I want this to be as authentic and as real as I can. Thank you all so much to those who have already reviewed, they mean the world. And thank you to those of you who have alerted yourselves to this story and to those of you who have made this story a favourite. This chapter is dedicated to all the reviewers so far. Thank you. (Next chapter will be a letter.)
I was woken up by a bouncing Ellie on Christmas morning. She leapt onto the bed and jumped over Renata's peaceful sleeping form and straight onto my chest, locking me and shaking me until I grumbled,
"Ells, what time is it?"
"It doesn't matter, Mommy, its Christmas!" She squeaked, falling on top of Renata again.
"Is Will awake?" I asked, knowing he'd fallen asleep in the little girl's room with her.
"Of course, Mommy," Ellie replied, "Now can we please go and see if Santa Clause left any presents for us under the tree?"
I laughed, turning to face Renata and shaking her little. She stirred and looked at me wondrously.
"Hey, sweetie. Are you coming downstairs to find Santa's gifts?" I asked, smiling at her.
Her eyes sparkled for the first time in ages and before I could say in anything, she took Ellie's little hand and raced downstairs with her, Will following slowly afterwards, grumbling incoherently. I laughed under my breath at him as I followed them all downstairs.
When I reached the living room, Ellie was already on all fours underneath the Christmas tree, pulling out all the presents she could find. Will was squatting behind her, taking each present as she pulled them out and standing by the unlit fire, an expression of distress written all over her beautiful features, was Renata, the sparkle in her eyes completely vanished, leaving but the embers of a fire that had never been lit in the first place.
I walked towards her, frowning as I touched her shoulder. She turned sharply at me, horrified she'd let me see her feelings and immediately plastered on a false smile and darted across to the armchair to watch her siblings.
I felt the most enormous wave of guilt.
"Mommy!" Ellie suddenly cried, leaping over to me and pulling me onto the floor with her. The Christmas tree above us was glistening with white lights and a rainbow of decorations my family had collected over the years. Some from when Santana and I were little, others from when the two of us and our children had gone to the local Christmas market in the city and discovered tiny little gems of all different shapes and sizes.
The twinkling stars of a glittered 'S' caught my eye and I couldn't help the smile that overtook my features.
S is for So many things, Brittany...
x*x*x
"Santana, what are you making?" I asked, watching my little best friend scrape a glue stick across a piece of paper, her tongue sticking out of her mouth in concentration. I thought she looked cute.
"Something."
"What's a something?"
"A something special, Brittany." She answered, as if it was the most obvious answer in the world.
"What are you going to do with it?" I asked, curious.
"I'm going to give it to my most special person."
I frowned. "Your Mama?"
Santana laughed, picking up the glittered 'S' she'd made and holding it under the light so all the glitter and sequins made pretty diamonds all along the playroom wall at her house. She looked at me and smiled, her little brown eyes sparkling.
"Silly." Was all she said, making her shoulders shake from giggling.
"Who then?"
She climbed off her chair and walked over to me, holding the 'S' out.
"It's for you, Britt Britt."
I gasped, a huge smile overtaking my features. "S is for Santana." I said, holding it to my chest.
"Silly," Santana repeated, poking my nose. "S is for So many things, Brittany."
"Like what?"
"S is for special; S is for safety; S is for soft; S is for sugar; S is for sweets; S is for smiles and S is for the Sun." She said, counting on her fingers.
I frowned, looking at her with my finger on my chin.
"Silly!" Santana said again, taking my hand and pulling me close to her own body. "All those things beginning with 'S' means You!"
I smiled brightly. "And 'S' means Santana. Because you're all those things too."
"S is also for Santa Clause." Santana pointed out, our smiles inches away from one another.
"S is for summer."
"S is for Sunday."
"And Saturday!"
Santana giggled, kissing the top of my nose. "S is also for snow, so come on, let's go play in it!"
She dragged my little hands towards our coats and out into the awaiting snow, my preschool heart beating faster and faster and faster and faster.
x*x*x
"Look at this one!" Ellie squealed, ripping open the bright pink wrapping paper. "It's pink!"
"It is," I echoed, pulling her close and kissing the top of her head, taking one last glance at the sparkling 'S'. God, I wished Santana was here right now. Because 'S' is also for sadness and only she could change that.
"What is it?" I asked.
Little Ellie's face widened so much I thought she was going to pop. "IT'S A PARTY PRINCESS HOUSE!" She shrieked, charging away from me so she could get a better look. I laughed at her.
"What about you, Will?"
He winked at me from where he was perched on the side of the armchair Renata was sitting on. "Cheers," He whispered discreetly, checking out the back of the new XBOX game.
I looked to Renata who hadn't even found her present. I looked under the tree and instantly knew which one it was. I padded over to her and curled up next to her, asking her to open it. She didn't look impressed. But at the same time, she looked so, so sorry. It kind of made my heart break.
She peeled back the gold paper and gently slid it out from the present and onto the floor beside her. Inside was a gold necklace in the shape of a heart, which had a big 'R' engraved on it. She smiled and asked me to put it on. I did so and she kissed my cheek delicately before sitting back down looking the same as she did a minute ago. Half unimpressed, half sorry.
The phone rang then, and Renata has never moved so fast in her life. I giggled at her knowing exactly who was on the other end of the line.
...
"Mama?"
I knew exactly whose voice it was before they'd even breathed.
"Hey my gorgeous girl," I smiled down the phone, feeling at ease hearing my daughter's voice.
"Mama!" I heard her breathe, "Merry Christmas!"
"Merry Christmas, Tee!" I replied, not being able to contain my smile. I glanced at Lolly who was sat beside me, waiting for the order to leave for duty. "How is everyone?"
"We're all fine, Mama, stop worrying." Tee answered. "Ellie's going crazy over her presents and it's very possible Will is still asleep even though he's looking very hard into the back of that new XBOX game he's got."
I laughed, picturing the domestic scene in my head. A wave of sadness washed over me and it was all I could do not to cry.
"Hey, Mama," Tee whispered on the other end of the line. "Be brave. Don't be sad today, it's our job to miss you not your job to miss us. It's your job to go and save your ass and kick everyone else's."
"Oh, Tee," I sighed, clutching the print out of the email she had sent me not long ago. "I miss you guys so much."
"We miss you too, Mama." She paused, breathing deeply. "I miss you so much."
"Hey, baby girl, come on now. You're meant to be the strong one out of us two!" I joked, finding Lolly's ears and stroking them. "Tell me what's happening today."
"Well," Tee replied, composing herself. "Ellie's gonna finish ripping open her presents, Will and Mom are cooking the turkey for lunch and I'm probably gonna go back to bed for a little while before Uncle Kurt and Uncle Blaine come round."
"Are you tired then?"
"A little."
I didn't want her to miss out. I wanted her to enjoy the whole day. "Could you do me a favour, baby girl?"
"Anything, Mama."
"Help your Mom out as much as you can." I paused, closing my eyes. "I can't tell you how much I miss her. I need her to be happy today and if that means you crawling at her feet, I am demanding you do it, okay?"
Tee laughed through the line. "Of course, Mama. I'll help her lay the table for lunch."
"Thank you, Tee." I said. "Could you pass me over to the next free person? And I hope you like my surprise when Blaine and Kurt come over."
"Sure. Oh, Mama, you didn't have to do that. I already like the necklace." Tee said.
"Oh, sweetheart, your Mama loves you more than that. Your Mama loves you enough to bring you surprises and a whole lotta other shit." I teased, raking my fingers through my hair. I spotted my helmet ready to slide on once I'd finished speaking with my family.
"Mama," Tee scolded, "Language."
"I'm sorry." I apologised. "Listen, Tee, I love you so much and I miss you more than I can say."
I could hear Tee snuffle.
"I love you too, Mama and I can't wait to see you. Merry Christmas." She replied. "Here's Will."
There was a slight shuffle on the other end before I heard my son's deep voice.
"Mama!" He yelled, making the line crack.
"Hey dude!" I replied, gripping the phone tighter as if it was him I was holding. "Getting ready to cook the lunch of your lifetime?"
He laughed. "Of course. Who else would ever be up for this challenge?"
"True, honey, true." I hummed, smiling to myself. "Like the gift?"
"Man, Mama, you guys could not have got it more perfect!" He answered, excitedly.
"Oh, please, it was all your Mom's doing. She's a superstar."
"She sure is."
"Is little Ellie there?"
"Sure, I'll just go drag her away from her princess party or something or other." He said. I could hear him walking, probably to the living room. "I slept in her bed last night because she was so excited, she couldn't let go of my pyjama shirt."
"Couldn't or wouldn't?" I wondered, amused.
"Both!"
I laughed, as I heard him say good bye and pass me over to my little girl.
"Mamaaaaaaaa!" I heard being screamed down the phone. I had to take it away from my ear for a little while.
"I want to thank Santa soooooo much for my amaaaazing party princess house, its soooo beautiful!" Ellie gushed, her words tumbling into one big jumble.
"Well I'm very glad Santa got it right," I giggled.
"Anyway, Mama, my princess party is very, very busy so I must pass you over to Mom." Ellie said a quick good bye and my heart fluttered at the thought of hearing my beautiful woman's voice.
I heard my blonde tell little Ellie to put me on the table whilst she cleaned her hands. I tapped my foot impatiently and nervously.
"Hey, soldier."
Her voice was like the slightest ray of hope that crashed through my sadness, destroying it. I felt like I could breathe again.
"Baby," I breathed, feeling the tears come and not even bothering to stop them
"Oh, San, don't cry. You're going to set me off."
We were both silent for a while, whilst we tried to stop crying, giggling at our stupidity. I wiped a few tears from the corners of my eyes, wishing I could do the same for her.
"I miss you so much."
"I miss you more than anything, San."
"Oh, God, it's not even like we've got ages left. Only one month." I exhaled loudly, closing my eyes.
"Merry Christmas, soldier." Brittany greeted.
"Merry Christmas to you, too, Britt." I smiled gently into the phone. "How's everything going? I heard the kids love their presents."
"Of course they do, San." Brittany assured. "They'd love anything. They're good kids."
"Yeah," I agreed, "They are."
"I promise you everything is okay here, sweetie." Brittany said down the phone. "Will is preparing the turkey in the kitchen for Kurt and Blaine, Ellie is having an absolute rave in the living room with her presents, I'm trying to find the Adele album that's your favourite, whilst trying not to think about you doing what you're doing and Tee..." Brittany wavered off and went silent. I heard her heavy breathing.
"Tee what, baby?" I pushed. I didn't like Brittany's sadness.
"I don't know, it's stupid, San."
"Nothing's stupidwith you, Britt."
Brittany sighed on the other end of the line. "She's so sad, San."
That was the last thing I wanted to hear.
"She sleeps all day, I mean all day and she only comes down when I ask her to. And I hate asking her to because it upsets her. And..." Brittany paused. "And I just don't know what to do."
I could hear her choke back a sob and then I heard her cough, mumble something to someone and breathe a sigh into the phone.
"San," Brittany continued. "I'm not going to pretend I'm okay because I'm not. I would be lying if I told you I'm fine and I don't need you because I do. I need you so bad and there isn't anything more that I wish right now than to have you come home, wrap your arms round me and then wrap your arms around Renata. Because she's taking this separation harder than any of us. She really is."
I sobbed down the phone and gripped it hard like it was a lifeline. I missed my daughter more than I could possibly say. I miss the way we were always on the same wavelength, always knowing what would make the other laugh and what the other meant when they said something no one else understood. She always brought my mood up when it was down and when Britt wasn't there, Tee would always understand and come and sleep in the bed with me. She never, ever questioned the fact she had two Moms and if her friends said a bad word about Britts and I, she'd instantly disown them and never speak to them again. She's my daughter in every single way possible and being away from her for nearly eight months has killed me.
More than anything, though, it's the fact it scares Brittany that she doesn't know what to do and I'm not there to help her. I'm not there to wrap them up in my soldier arms and hold them tightly until all the pain and worry goes away.
If I was home, especially now on Christmas Day, I know that my family wouldn't have to pretend to be happy all the time. Because it doesn't fit with my family. My family is the happiest most beautiful family in the whole world and I could not be more proud.
"Tell her, B..." I began, breathing deeply. "Tell her that I love her and I'll be home soon. Keep telling her that and please, God, keep telling yourself that."
"I always tell myself that, San." Brittany promised.
I heard my fellow soldiers call my name. I knew it was time.
"B, I have to go." I said, patting Lolly and reaching to grab my helmet. "It's time."
"Okay, San." Brittany replied, sighing down the phone. "I love you. Be safe."
"Always, B." I promised, smiling at the guys up ahead. "I love you too. I promise I'll see you soon."
"Forever, San."
I paused, my breath hitching slightly. I smiled, ready to brace myself for the battle ahead.
"Forever, B."
...
"Uncle Kurt!" Ellie screamed when she saw him walk through the door. "Please come with me and look at my princess party house with baby Alice!" She grabbed his hand and practically dragged him and the sleeping form of baby Alice in his arms towards the living room.
"Nice to see you, Britt!" He called from down the hallway.
"You too!" I called back.
"Hey, Brittany." Blaine greeted, kissing my cheek. "Merry Christmas."
I could see the sensitivity in his eyes and I tried my hardest to ignore it.
"Please," I said, motioning towards the sofa beside the dining table. "Come and relax, I'll get you a glass of bubbly."
I scuttled out of the room before he had a chance to say anything else. Busying myself pouring several flutes of champagne, I tried hard not to think about Santana, dressed in her sandy all-in-one, a bulletproof vest secured tightly round her body – there for a reason.
I looked down at my own attire, internally snorting at how different I looked to Santana right now. I had my long sleeved blue jumper dress on with my sparkly slippers. My Latina would be wearing army boots right now. Army boots that were thumping courageously through the dusty sand towards an inconceivable danger nobody could ever predict.
God, I just want her to be safe.
I shook my head, knowing this had to stop. Santana was so desperate to come home, she would fight anything – anything - to stay alive and see us again. I know she would. It was just a matter of hoping the force against her wasn't somewhat stronger.
"Mom?" Came that beautiful timid voice.
I turned around sharply, nearly running over to my daughter before enveloping her into a bone crushing hug. I squeezed her tightly, scared she would suddenly disappear and we would be left another member down on Christmas day.
Renata didn't speak; she simply hugged me back, burying her face into my neck. I could feel her tears before I even felt my own. We remained embraced for a while, listening to each other choke out sobs and sighs and endless tears. All that was going through my mind was the image of Santana running – running through the dust and the sand and the hot thick air, her beautiful long black hair flowing beneath her heavy helmet, a fucking great gun glued to both of her hands.
That fucking gun.
The only thing comforting about this image was the sight of a midsized black dog running beside her; a little piece of heaven, love and hope from home, sent to keep the Latina safe from any harm. Any harm at all. I don't know why this stray dog selected my wife as its chosen companion out there but for whatever reason, I thank the heavens every single day. Because that dog – Santana's little Lolly – has saved her more times than I can remember. In more ways than one. Physically and emotionally. It was always there. Always there when I couldn't be.
Renata squeezed me tighter, as if knowing what was running through my mind and exhaled loudly against my skin. I sighed as well, parting us gently to grab the tissue box beside us.
"Here, sweetie." I said, handing her one.
"Thanks."
We both stood there, blowing our noses and wiping our eyes before checking what the other looked like.
"I'm sure Uncle Blaine's waiting for his bubbly." I joked, going to pick it up from the side.
"Here," Renata offered, holding out her hands. "Let me help you."
"You look beautiful, Renata." I complimented, admiring her sequined black dress. "I wish I looked like that."
"Oh, Mommy, you do." She disagreed, walking ahead of me into the dining room. My heart skipped a beat because she hadn't called me 'Mommy' since she was ten.
"Could you go and give this one to Uncle Kurt, honey?"
"Of course."
Will came in then, declaring the lunch was ready. When Renata returned, I told her and she went upstairs to grab something.
Once we'd all sat down, Ellie chatting away to Kurt about glitter and the colour pink, Blaine and Will making baby Alice laugh and me sat watching them all, Renata walked into the room, her camera slung around her neck. I smiled at her, patting the chair next to me which she willingly took.
"Oh!" Kurt suddenly exclaimed, leaning down to the side of the table. "Surprise presents!"
"Kurt, what is this?" I asked. "We exchanged gifts earlier."
"Ah," Blaine smirked. "But not surprise ones from a surprise person."
Kurt lifted out four different shaped silver wrapped presents and handed them out to us all separately. I read the label of my little silver box.
Merry Christmas, B.
Your Soldier
X
My heart swelled with bittersweet pain and I pulled back the silver paper as softly as I could. Inside was a black velvet box and when I opened it, I found a plain silver ring. I took it out of the soft padding it was encased in and twisted it in my fingers. It was beautiful.
I turned it around and caught a glimpse of some writing within the ring. I brought it closer to get a better look. Santana had engraved it.
Forever, B.
I felt myself tear up again and I had to quickly slide it on my finger, gasping at how it fit so perfectly. I looked around the table at everyone else. Will had received a new pair of boxing gloves and Ellie had been given a t-shirt that read, 'Party Princess' which she was speechlessly gushing over. To my right, Renata had opened a package of camera memory cards, a new safety cap with 'Tee' printed on it and a photo editing software DVD that allowed you to make online collages of your pictures. Renata's face could not be happier.
"Mama," She whispered, so quietly, it could barely be heard.
I kissed my daughter's temple, relishing in her happiness.
"Quick," She gasped, standing up and fiddling with her camera, pressing some buttons then setting it on top of the dresser. "Everyone smile at the camera!"
She trotted back to her seat and I leant my arms over her, kissing her ear lightly before smiling at the beeping camera, holding back a surprised blink when it flashed by itself.
Tee ran back to it to check the photo and whispered, "Perfect."
I watched her take it back to the table and place it next to her cracker.
"I'll send it to Mama." She told the table, picking up her cracker and offering it to me. I gladly took it, pulling hard and jumping at the loud snap that echoed around the dining room. We giggled, collecting the contents that had scattered all across the table.
After everyone else had snapped their crackers, Will began serving everyone their Christmas lunch.
I raised my glass of champagne to my family and friends. "To Santana." I said.
"To Santana." Everyone echoed.
The last thing that crossed my mind that Christmas lunch was that damn image of Santana running again.
...
Ellie and I were collapsed on the sofa, exhausted after a long afternoon of Pictionary and Charades. Kurt and Blaine had tried their hardest to distract my children and they did very well. Ellie completely forgot that her Mama wasn't with us and Will managed to get soaked into the well known family games long enough to relieve himself of Santana's emptiness. I knew Renata had disappeared upstairs to her bedroom the moment we finished lunch to edit the photos she had taken that morning. I still wasn't sure whether I was happy she was gone or upset she wasn't with us. I settled on both.
Pervy meowed demandingly and pounced onto the sofa next to Ellie and me. I stroked his head, smiling affectionately remembering where the cat's name had come from.
Santana and I had bought him home one Christmas from the cold New York streets as a stray kitten that we had found curled up under one of the Christmas trees. He was so small and I remember picking him up and gasping at how he easily fit into just my right palm.
We had originally planned on calling him Tinsel after the Christmas tree we'd found him under but when we got home, Santana took a shower and the whole while he sat above it, staring down at her. She had screamed at first but I'd quickly zipped in and brought him out. But no matter how many times Santana screamed and I saved him, little Tinsel was determined to watch my wife in the shower. So the innocent little kitten was dubbed 'Pervy' and the name stuck ever since. I don't blame him though; I'd love to watch Santana in the shower all day.
Ellie snuggled deeper into my chest and breathed heavily out. I knew she was falling quickly.
"Will?" I said, looking up to where he was clearing up the games. Kurt, Blaine and Alice had left about an hour ago and it was late. Nearly ten o clock. "Could you take Ells to bed for me?"
"Sure, Mom," He nodded, prising Ellie off my chest.
"Thank you, sweetie." I said, standing myself up. "I'll clear this up."
When they had gone upstairs, the silence surrounded me and I had to pause and cover my face with my hands. I quickly tided the games away and lay back down on the sofa, pulling Pervy close. He nestled into my neck, his soft purring calming me somehow.
I couldn't help but think what it would be like if Santana was here. She would be lying behind me, spooning me with her arms delicately wrapped around my waist, pressing soft butterfly kisses all the way down my neck, telling me she'd had the best Christmas ever, even though we both knew she said that every year. She would have taken Ellie up to bed, carried her in her arms like a princess and told her not to worry about brushing her teeth because it was Christmas and she could just go straight to sleep. She would have put on Will's old pair of boxing gloves and had a match with him, yelling how he was useless and needed to try harder, just like the soldier she was, teasing Will until the kid backed down. She would have flung her arms around me, declaring she was the best and I would have kissed her and agreed. She'd have escaped to Renata's room for a while, both of them curled around each other, commenting on Tee's photos and editing them together. She would have told us all she loved us, as we lay by the fire, limbs and arms entangled everywhere.
But I had to realise that she wasn't here and she was still out there fighting. Fighting for something I don't even know is still worth it anymore.
Now the sun had gone down, it hurt just that little bit more. It makes me feel the weight of the love we have more than it does in the day. It's like the darkness reminds me of the gaping hole Santana leaves in this family when she's away from home. It never fails in reminding me that I'm lonely without her and even though I have the company of the best three kids I could ever have asked for, I am still so alone. It's not like Renata wants to sleep in Santana and my bed with me. That's something her and her Mama share. Ellie's too little to understand most of the time and Will wouldn't ever want to.
Sometimes I lie in our bed and just cry as silently as I can so I don't wake my beautiful sleeping babies. Because I can't let it out in front of them. I just can't. It wouldn't be right.
I heard Will fall down beside me and say, "Mom, you're tired. Let's clear lunch up tomorrow, okay?"
I mumbled a soft "okay" and followed him up the stairs. When we reached the top, he kissed my cheek and wished me a good night.
Before slipping into my lonely covers, I went to check on Renata, gently knocking on her closed door. When I didn't hear anything, I opened it and walked in to drop a kiss to her forehead. But before I reached the sleeping bundle, I realised that she was shaking and that sobs were racking from her frail body. I rushed over and knelt down beside her.
"Sweetie?" I breathed, my blue eyes searching her mocha ones in the darkness.
"Mommy?" She whispered through her tears. "I can't sleep."
I closed my eyes, frowning and climbed into her bed next to her. I didn't care that I was fully clothed. I just wanted to be close to my daughter. It felt like being close to Santana somehow.
I hugged Renata tightly whilst her sobs subsided, all the while telling her how I loved her and how her Mama loved her.
After a while, Renata's door creaked open and Ellie's little head peeped round, whispering, "Mommy? Is Renata sad? I'm sad too. Please can I get in the bed as well?"
It was all I could do not to burst into tears.
My little blonde girl tucked herself in between Renata and me, hugging my old duck close to her chest. We stayed there for several minutes, listening to the sound of each other's heavy breathing and occasional tear from Renata.
I felt so guilty that the only thing my beautiful Spanish daughter had wanted for Christmas was her Mama and that I couldn't do anything about it. I also felt guilty because my little baby girl was beginning to realise how sad it was that Santana wasn't with us. All this guilt was so overwhelming and I had to grip my children tighter.
A moment later, another body pressed into the bed, settling next to Renata and pulling her close. I realised it was Will and for some reason, I felt a little better and snuggling deeper into Renata's bed, I allowed myself to relax and fall into the only sleep I could without the other half of my heart lying next to us.
My broken family at Christmas time.
There we go! Please tell me what your favourite part was and what the worst part was. I'd also like to know whether you all like the OC I've created? I kind of have a soft spot for Renata because I really want to show people the kind of effect an absent parent can have on a kid. But I do have soft spots for all of the Brittana kids, so, yanooo. Please review and I wish you all the happiness in the world Poppy x