I know this is an early update, even for me, but I really wanted to pay respect to one of my amazing friends, Pippa. She was a gleek, just like all of us. Obsessed with Lea, Dianna, Achele, Faberry and need I say it, Brittana! Sadly, Pippa passed away last night at the age of fifteen. I'm still in shock but I would love to dedicate this chapter to her. She'll be sorely missed by all of us. It's such a shame she never got to see for herself that It Gets Better.

Mama, I need you. I don't know what to do without you. I feel like I'm holding my family up with just my little finger and one wrong movement, and they'll all come falling down on top of me. I can only do so much protecting, Mama. I can only do so much...

I feel so guilty writing to you because you can't do anything about this. And even if you wanted to, you can't because you need to stay out there and fight and save this country. I can't email you because I know you won't have internet at all for this last month and you can only phone us, so there's no way I can speak to you right now. Right now, like I need to.

I just need to tell you that I need you, Mama. I'm not the same without you here. I hate not waking up in the morning and seeing your face downstairs. A face that I know will never judge me for anything. Anything at all.

I can always tell you everything, Mama. You're my best friend and my escape. You always give me the space I need, the time I need and the place I need to sort myself out. I can't do that now because I don't have you.

I'm so sorry, Mama. I am such a failure of a daughter.

I wake up sometimes in the night and the only thing I can hear is Mom. She dreams about you every night and I can't tell you the amount of times I've woken up to her sobs and broken words.

"I just need to hear your voice, San." Is all I hear every time the sun goes down. What do I do, Mama? How do I help her when I can't even help myself?

There's so much I want to tell you every day, Mama. So much. Ellie will come out with some crazy Spanish and it's all I can do not to break down and cry. All three of us went out to play in the snow the other day and Will decided he could take on both Ellie and I in a snowball fight. Will managed to crash one right into my face and Ellie charged at him and yelled, "No, me gusta!"

I just wished you would have been there to see it. I couldn't stop giggling. Do you remember when Will and I were younger and we were all sat in the kitchen and you tried to get us to eat shrimp? And Will loved it and I spat it out into your hand, shook my head and almost like I was telling them off, went, "Cosas malas."

I'd never seen you laugh so hard. Your eyes were wider than the sea. Mom always agrees with me, though. Shrimp suck balls.

This is never going to work. I don't even know if I should send this to you. I don't even know where to send it to you anyway. Mom never tells us; she doesn't want us finding anything about what you're doing because she doesn't want it to scare us.

But I know what you're doing, Mama. I know that every day is a risk for you. But remember what you said to me the day the day I told you I didn't know if I ever wanted to fall in love; you told me, "Risk everything. Regret nothing."

I've never forgotten that, Mama. And you can't forget it either.

Please just come home alive. Because I don't think I can walk through life knowing I did nothing to save the one person who gets me.

Please.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm so sorry, Mama. I'm so, so sorry.

If you'd like to pay your own respects to Pippa, people are reblogging her Tumblr (ganglyfox) and her tweeting her twitter (allthisdevotion). She was also called ganglyfox on here, too. Many thanks for reading. An update will be longer next time. Poppy x