Heya! So, there are 2 more chapters to go and a prologue. I'd just like to say, to the reviewer who said I must be British, you would happen to be correct. I'm sorry if my wording is wrong for you American readers but there are far too many differences in our way of speaking that I can't incorporate everything. It's hard enough to remember to write 'Mom' instead of 'Mum' and to say Cell Phone instead of Mobile. But I apologise if it's confusing for you at all. Thank you for all your marvellous reviews, I enjoy every single one of them. I fell in love with Lea's Fuckin' Assholes clip on Tumblr, so I added it to this. Enjoy!
I always forget this but this is my disclaimer just to tell you all what you already know – I don't own Glee.
It had been four hours and my baby girl still had not woken up. I could hear the screaming inside my stomach as well as feel it and the guilt was creeping so tauntingly through the veins under my skin. I couldn't lose my daughter. Not now. Not ever.
I leant closer to Renata and gripped her hand tighter as she laid pearly white on the hospital sheets. I'd never seen her so pale and so fragile. She looked like an awkwardly proportioned ghost. Her long beautiful hair was falling ragged down her shoulders, thin and worn out. Her collarbone was sticking out like there were invisible people bushing beneath it and the area around her eyes were so deep with shadows that it looked like someone had knocked her flat out. Twice.
How had I not noticed?
"Mrs Peirce-Lopez?" I heard the doctor say, as he walked into the room. "A moment, please."
I kissed Renata's forehead and followed the doctor out.
He looked at me with narrow grey eyes and said, "Your daughter has suffered a collapse due to a lack of energy."
I felt my brow twitch slightly.
"We have put her on a drip which will hopefully strengthen her system and replace all the nutrients and fluid she was missing and she should wake up soon." He frowned at me. "Renata is very low on iron, calcium, protein – all the things she should be getting from a regular balanced diet."
I sighed and closed my eyes, feeling the guilt creep up again.
"Has Renata shown any signs of refusal of food or little eating?" He asked, scribbling something down on his clipboard.
I bit my lip. "She isn't bothered about eating." I managed, knowing he would be judging me.
The doctor nodded as if I'd just confirmed something huge. "I'm going to ask my colleague who is specialised in eating disorders to come and talk to you and maybe Renata as well once she is fit enough to speak."
I frowned at him. It sounded so real when he said eating disorders.
How had I not noticed?
He seemed to be waiting for my reply so I just nodded gently at him and waited for this colleague of his. When she arrived, I nearly leaped back. She was exactly the kind of woman Santana would make fun of.
Her hair was a muddy brown and it looked liked it hadn't been washed in years. It was cut in a sharp bob, but the hair was flailing all over the place. The woman looked like a chipmunk.
"Hey, chippy, don't fucking tell me my daughter's got an eating disorder." I heard Santana's voice waft through my mind. It didn't cheer me up.
In fact, it made me feel even guiltier.
She sat me down on the chairs outside Renata's hospital room.
"Mrs Peirce-Lopez," She began, looking me in the eye almost like she was blaming me. I guess she had a right to. "Renata is showing all the signs of an anorexic."
I winced, knowing it was my fault. "But she never does any exercise."
"Mrs Peirce-Lopez, exercise isn't just jogging. Renata could be doing sit ups whilst you sleep or climbing the stairs repeatedly whilst you've been out."
I knotted my brow together, thinking of all the times I'd left Renata at home and all the times Renata had been sleeping.
Had she really been doing exercise then?
"Mrs Peirce-Lopez," The woman said again, "Whilst a typical anorexic will eat basic foods like raw vegetables or fruit, I see that Renata has not been eating at all."
I frowned once again. How could she not have? Will had cooked every night whilst I'd been working, how could he have failed to tell me that Renata didn't eat?
Because Renata was always asleep.
Because Renata was always asleep.
"Mrs Peirce-Lopez, if-"
"If you fucking say that one more time, I swear I will hit your face so hard, you'll be the one in the hospital bed and not my daughter."
I brought my fingers to my lips, taken aback by my outburst. I had never spoken to somebody like that in my whole life. I went to apologise but the woman carried on.
"I'm sorry; I understand that you are stressed at this diff-"
"Please, lady, I don't even know your name but I really cannot deal with you saying things like that right now." I said, calmly. "You don't understand nor will you ever understand so please, just tell me what's wrong with my daughter and what I need to do to help her get better. Don't try and sympathise with me."
The woman smiled tightly. "My name is Doctor Lennox but please, call me June, and my job here is not to tell you what's wrong with Renata. Only she can tell you that. I am merely here to tell you what Renata is doing to tell us something is wrong."
I nodded firmly. "So my daughter has an eating disorder."
The words sounded foreign in my mouth.
June looked at me carefully. "Yes," She said. I watched her study my face. "But when she wakes up we can talk to her and try and understand what the problem is."
It hurt me to admit to myself that I couldn't understand Renata. That however hard I tried to, the girl just didn't let me. Didn't want me to understand her. I looked behind me into the hospital room and silently apologised to her even though I knew it wasn't enough.
It would never be enough.
Santana was going to hate me.
My marriage was going to fall apart like Rachel and Finn's.
My life was going to fall apart without Santana and the kids.
My whole being was going to fall apart if I didn't get in that fucking room and force myself to focus on my goddamn beautiful daughter and tell her... just tell that I love her and that whatever she does, I'll always love her.
No matter what.
"Excuse me," I pardoned myself, getting up and walking back into Renata's room. I saw from the corner of my eye that June Chipmunk Lennox had left and was walking back towards the doctor. I sighed in relief.
I shifted my gaze to Renata and took in her ill complexion. I fucking hated myself.
I walked over to her bedside and ignored the chair. I just fell to the floor, crashing onto my knees and gripped Renata's hand so tight because I was so afraid she wouldn't feel me. That she would never feel me because I'd unintentionally pushed her away.
"Baby Tee," I said, bringing her hand to my lips and kissing it desperately. "I'm so sorry I failed you. I'm just so sorry."
I stayed like that for a while. Almost like I was praying to my daughter. Praying to her to wake herself up and see how sorry I was. I am.
Because I don't think I've ever been this sorry. Not even when I told Santana "no" the first time. Not even when I couldn't reach her hands when we'd been children climbing the tree house and she'd fallen and broken her arm. Not even when I'd nearly missed Will and Tee's birth because my boss at work had made me work the late shift and the traffic on the roads had been beyond horrific.
Not ever.
...
"Hey, beautiful." I greeted, as I watched my daughter's eyelids flutter open. It was like watching her being born again. Only this time, I had been here the whole time. I felt the tears sting my eyes and I had to blink rapidly so the image of Renata's awoken face remained my focus the entire time.
"Mom?"
"Sweetie, I'm here. I've always been here." I leant in to kiss her forehead and couldn't help but think my words had a double meaning. I wished Renata could see that.
"Mom," She breathed, bursting into tears in an exhausted way.
"Tee, don't cry, honey." I comforted, pulling her closer. "It's gonna be okay now. I promise it's gonna be okay."
"I'm so sorry," She continued to cry, burying her face further into my shoulder.
"Tee, lay back down again. Please." I gently coaxed her back into the bed, and stroked the hair out of her face. "None of this is your fault."
Renata's face crumpled and I wiped away the tears that fell. I just felt so guilty.
"I'm so happy to see you," She whispered, leaning into my touch.
I felt my lips quiver. "I'm so happy to see you too." I replied, closing my eyes and shaking my head. "You have no idea how happy."
I was relieved when Will had brought Ellie in and told me he'd rung Santana just before the ambulance had arrived yesterday afternoon. She wouldn't be surprised then when she video-called us and we were in a hospital bed rather than at home.
I looked back up and wiped Renata's cheeks dry.
"Mom, it's New Year's Day, right?"
I smiled. "Yeah,"
"Can we go watch the ball drop tonight?"
I sighed. "I don't think so, honey. I want you to rest and be warm."
She looked so upset.
"There's a TV in here, we can watch it there."
"You know it's not the same, Mom."
I could see how upset she was. How frustrated with herself she was that she couldn't watch the ball drop tonight. Something she had obviously been so excited about and I hadn't noticed.
I couldn't watch her be angry at herself any longer. It had been too long and I had to do something about it.
I found our doctor outside and gently asked him if Renata could be discharged tonight so we could go to Times Square. He looked at me like I was crazy and said that even if Renata was discharged, she was far too weak to even think about going out.
I couldn't help but think if Renata hadn't fainted she would be going anyway.
The doctor said he'd come and explain to Renata so I followed him back to the room. Once he had done so, Renata looked at me like I had to do something. Like, I needed to get her out of this. I felt so helpless. I knew that if Santana was here, we would be allowed because my Latina wouldn't have it any other way.
Why couldn't I be more like that?
"Look, seriously, what if she ate some big-ass meal to give her the strength of the world and we were just allowed out to the roof here to watch it briefly?" I reasoned, thinking that could work.
The doctor looked at me like I was crazy. "Even if the girl eats, she will not be strong enough to face the New York winter."
"She has been for the last two months." I argued, getting angry now. I never got angry. I gripped Renata's hand and she gripped back.
"That's because she hadn't collapsed. Her body has given in now, she must rest." The doctor nodded as if to say end of conversation but I was still angry.
"Please," I begged, "It'll make her happy."
The doctor seemed to consider this before nodding again and saying, "One meal. She eats one meal and then we'll re-evaluate."
I smiled thankfully and turned to Renata. She looked as scared as Bambi. I was concentrating so hard on her that I didn't hear the doctor say he was going to get the meal.
"Honey, what's wrong?"
She looked so scared. "Please just leave the room, Mom."
"I'm not leaving you." I pushed, taking her hand again. "I'm never going to leave you."
She remained silent whilst we waited for the food. When it arrived, a nurse placed it on a tray and handed it to Renata. She didn't take it so the nurse placed it on her lap. I watched as my daughter looked at like it was a ticking time bomb. Like the meal was going to kill her.
I frowned. I kept on frowning. How had I not noticed?
"Baby, it's not going to hurt you."
I didn't understand why she was so scared of food. She had absolutely no weight issues. She wasn't fat in the slightest and never had been.
She looked at me like I was stupid. Pleading with me to see what she could see. Feel what she could feel. I just couldn't get over how I hadn't noticed this before. Four months she'd been sleeping all day.
Four months.
I was going to make her better if it was the last thing I did.
"Renata, if you do not eat this meal we will have to conclude that you are not strong enough to leave this hospital." The doctor told her.
This was like blackmail. Santana would not stand for this.
"Do not blackmail my daughter." I warned, turning to him. "She'll eat when she wants to eat. And she'll watch that damn ball drop even if it means killing you first."
When had I become so violent?
I was turning into Santana. It was happening. I was becoming the two of us in one person. I'm not sure I could handle that.
The doctor looked a little flustered before he said to Renata, "You want to see the ball drop right?"
Renata nodded her head so lightly.
"Right, so to do that you have to be strong and you have to have a good meal in you to keep you warm. I'm going to make you eat and if that means forcing you to, so be it. Sometimes, we have to take these precautions with anorexics."
Renata's face froze at the mention of the disease.
"So just take a bite and it will be the first step towards your recovery." The doctor smiled and knelt down beside Renata. "We're going to help you see that eating is not scary."
Renata looked incredibly angry all of a sudden. She glared at the food in front of her almost as if she was trying to make it go away. Like the more she glared, the more it would disappear so she wouldn't have to it eat.
She was refusing so much.
"Renata, you must-"
"I don't want to fucking eat this!" She yelled, slamming her fists into her eyes to rid them of the awful sight in front of her.
The room turned silent.
A nurse waddled in because she heard Renata's yell and moved to my daughter.
"Now, are we going to kick a fuss or are we going to eat this lovely meal the hospital has kindly put together for you?"
Renata glared at the nurse this time, willing her to leave too.
This was all too serious. All too real. Yesterday, Renata was perfectly fine. Today, she's being forced to eat and being spoken to like she's a child.
I'd had enough.
"Please," I said, "Can you all just leave the room and leave Renata and me in peace?"
They hesitated but eventually they left.
I turned to my daughter. I was going to handle this the way I handled Santana's depression when she was younger.
By joining her.
"Tee," I began, looking into her eyes. "I love you, you know that right?"
She nodded, looking anywhere but me. I backed away, looking at the tray of food and hating it as much as she hated it. I wouldn't want to eat it either. It looked like vomit. All moist and oily.
I took it off her lap and for a moment she froze but relaxed when I threw it all in the bin. I took out my cell phone and sat back down next to her bed.
"We're going to call Will and put in an order." I told her. "He's the greatest chef around."
I caught her small smile and held onto it like it was worth all the gold in the world.
"So, what would you like?" I asked, gently, taking her hand in mine. "We could have strawberries? We could have olives? We could have... salad?"
I giggled with her as she squeezed my hand so delicately it was like a fairy had done it.
"Maybe you want something fresh, or something, I don't know, raw?"
She laughed again but this time she spoke afterwards.
"Cauliflower," She whispered, looking into my eyes this time. "Cauliflower with a Greek salad dressing."
"Perfect," I said, tapping in Will's number and calling him.
Renata looked at me the whole time I spoke to her twin brother. I wondered if she'd ever spoken to him about it.
When I got off the phone, she turned away and fiddled with the hospital bed sheets.
"I'm so sorry if I ever put pressure on you, Renata."
She looked at me, so sadly and almost guilty. "It's not your fault at all, mom."
"Oh, Renata, you don't have to pretend anymore." I said, feeling myself tear up again. "I'm useless without your Mama."
"No you're not," Renata argued. "Look how you just dominated the doctors here and look how well you've coped without her for the last eight months."
"But I've failed you, Tee."
"No, you haven't." She argued again. "I've failed you."
"Tee," I gasped, gripping her hand and climbing into the bed with her. "No,"
We stayed there, holding each other's hands whilst I kissed her forehead and told her over and over again that nothing was her fault and that I loved her more than anything, no matter what.
"You've been so brave, Tee, throughout all of this."
"Not as brave as you. Or Will. He's done everything and hasn't fallen at a single hurdle."
"Stop comparing yourself to him and to everyone else. Just because you are twins doesn't mean you are the same person." I told her.
"I sometimes feel like you expect us to be."
I think my heart broke. I think it broke into a billion pieces. "Oh, sweetie," I breathed, pulling her in for a hug and never wanting to let go.
"And," I heard her snuffle, "I just miss Mama so much that I hate getting up and not seeing her face. I hate seeing you so unhappy because she's not here and I hate not being able to do anything about it except help you. But I can't even do that because I can't even face getting up in the morning. I can't make Mama come home and I can't make you happy and it's the worst feeling ever."
I hugged her tighter, finally realising why she was the way she was.
She simply wanted control over a situation in which she had no control.
"You three make me happier than anything else in this world and when your Mama is home there is no one in the world who is happier than me." I whispered fiercely, releasing her from the hug and wiping the tears from her eyes. "I'm going to get you out of here because you and hospitals don't go together very well."
Renata managed to giggle just as the door opened and Will and Ellie walked in. Ellie skipped over to us and climbed on the bed.
"Hello, El," Renata greeted, kissing her little sister's nose. Ellie laughed.
"We bought you some food!" She squealed excitedly, taking the bag and handing it to Renata.
"Thank you, gorgeous." Renata said, smiling at her younger sister.
Will came over and kissed the top of his twin sister's head. "Love you," He gently whispered.
She looked appreciatively up at him and then he asked Ellie to come with him to look at the Times Square lights from the window across the hallway. I smiled thankfully at him and when they left the room I retrieved the bag of food and brought it to the bed.
Sitting cross legged across from Renata, I opened it up and brought the raw cauliflower and Greek salad dressing out.
"I've never tried this before, but I'm hoping my daughter has good taste in food and I'll actually love it."
"Oh, mom," Renata gasped, taking the dressing and opening it up. "It's the most amazing thing you could ever eat."
I smiled at her enthusiasm. "I hope you're right."
I handed her the cauliflower because she knew what to do with it. I watched as she expertly snapped little florets off separately and placed them on a napkin on the bed. She then placed the dressing carefully next to them and pinched a floret in between her index finger and her thumb and dipped it into the dressing. She waited for me to do the same and then looked at me, her eyes suddenly glazing over with fear and anxiety.
I frowned at her. "Baby, it's okay." I whispered, touching her arm with my spare hand. "We'll do it together."
I waited for her to move but she didn't. This would take longer than I thought.
"Would you like me to go first, see if I like it?" I grinned at her. She nodded.
It actually tasted really good. Almost like popcorn but healthy. Oh wow, they were actually really moreish.
"Tee, this is incredible." I said, going for another one. I hovered with it in the air and looked at her. "Do you want to eat this one together?"
She looked at me for a while, then at the cauliflower floret and then back up at me. I watched as she seemed to psyche herself up and when she looked up at me and nodded so small, my heart practically burst with joy.
"One, two, three," I chanted, before both of us popped the florets in our mouth.
It looked like it was painful for Renata to chew but once she saw my smile she seemed to enjoy it more and actually chewed enthusiastically.
"Just like I remember," She barely whispered.
We sat and ate another one, smiling after each floret was popped into our mouth and swallowed. We ate another and another and another until they were all gone and we were just left with the clumpy cauliflower stalk and a little dressing.
"Would you like me to save the dressing or bin it, sweetie?" I asked, picking it up and putting the lid on.
She seemed to ponder it for a while. And then she looked at me with those beautiful brown eyes and silently thanked me.
"Keep it," She said, nodding her head in confirmation. "Will can use it in some magical recipe he spruces up."
I smiled, placing it in my bag and turning back to my daughter. I didn't ask her whether she felt full or satisfied or even happy because I knew that would ruin the moment.
Its like when Santana was depressed and I told her once, at the start when I didn't know much about it, "You seem happier," and immediately, she coiled in on herself because I'd gone and stupidly reminded her that she wasn't happy and that she was meant to be sad and I hated myself so much after that.
I looked up at the clock and it was late. Later than I thought.
How long had Tee and I been lying there?
We only had an hour until the ball dropped at Times Square. We were all meant to be there.
Renata sensed my disappointment and whispered, "I'm sorry,"
"Oh, baby, don't be sorry." I said, cupping her cheek in my hand. "It wouldn't have been the same without Mama anyway, would it?"
She seemed settled after I said that but as soon as I mentioned Santana, I remembered that the troops video-called you at 11pm and I had absolutely no way of getting hold of a laptop and a laptop with internet at that.
I panicked a little inside.
"What is it, Mom?" Tee asked gently.
"Mama's meant to be video-calling us all right now and we're not home to be there for it and I haven't seen her face in so long and do you think..." I trailed off and looked around for a nurse. Maybe they had a laptop here.
Will and Ellie walked through the door, cheering at how beautiful the lights were on the square. I let them speak to Renata whilst I went to find a nurse.
Absolutely nobody was about, so I scuttled back to Renata's room and waited for someone there. They would be coming to check on her soon and see if she'd eaten. Which she had. Which meant we should be allowed to watch the ball drop from the roof.
They wouldn't let us would they? They only said that to get Renata to eat.
Fuckin' assholes.
I paced the room until Will said, "Mom, stop worrying, Mama knows about Renata and I think she'll understand why we're not at home."
"But she knows we'll be here so she'll think we could have got hold of a laptop." I protested, knowing that was highly unlikely.
I pressed the nurse button agitatedly and Renata giggled. It was the first genuine giggle I'd heard in ages. I giggled with her.
"Stop giggling, Renata, this is serious." I laughed, tapping my foot. "I want to speak to your Mama so bad and I'd hate to think of her out there all alone and with no one on the other end of the video stream."
"She's not alone, Mom," Will reminded, placing his hand on my shoulder. Ellie was sat on Renata's bed with her asking what the nurses and doctors were like. She was totally oblivious to my panic.
"We're not gonna get out to the roof on time if the damn nurses don't come and check on Renata because when they come, I need to ask for a laptop and then we need to video-call your Mama and then we can go onto the roof." I exasperated, walking to Renata's bed and kissing the top of her head distractedly.
"Do you feel strong enough?" Will asked his twin sister, walking over to her as well.
"Dude," Renata reprimanded, "This is the New York Times Square ball. I freaking wanna see it drop!"
Will chuckled and turned back to me. "I'll go find a nurse."
Just as he went to turn around, the door opened and I closed my eyes and turned my face to the ceiling, and said, "Please, God, just let me see my wife's face one last time this year."
"Okay,"
My eyes shot open at the sound of that voice.
That voice.
I turned to the door only to be greeted with a sight I had been so desperate to see for eight months.
"Baby," That voice breathed, her voice making me ache for her touch everywhere.
I gulped.
"I'm home."
I have written the next chapter already and I will try and get it all up and complete by Christmas as my gift to you fantastic readers. I mention something in the next chapter that I am planning on writing a small one-shot about so keep your eyes wide o'en! I hope you liked this chapter; I appreciate all the constructive criticism A LOT. Pass this story/chapter on and review if you'd like to. I'd love to know what you think will happen. Sending all my luurrrvveee, Poppy x