When I finished getting ready, everyone was already outside in the backyard. Demyx and Xigbar were in the pool swimming, Sora and Riku were sitting side by side, Riku with a beer and Sora with a soda, and Marluxia was talking to Saix and Xemnas about his garden, or something stupid like that. Axel was manning the BBQ and I walked over to him to try to prove to his friends that we belonged together. It didn't work. His friends, all of them, eyed me like I was the devil himself. I remember Xigbar saying to Axel that he should break up with me, right in front of me! It was awkward but Axel ignored him. That was about a month ago, and I hoped he wouldn't try the same thing again.

"You're guna burn them." I said, looking at the steaks.

"No I wont."

"Yeah, you burn everything." I rolled my eyes.

"If you don't like it, don't eat it." Axel didn't look at me.

"Don't be an ass."

"They're at it already." Xigbar announced, getting out of the pool.

"Shut up!" I scoffed at him.

"Where's his leash Axe?" Demyx smiled at me and if he weren't so sexy I'd probably snap at him too.

"Don't talk about him that way." Sora said, the youngest of all of us there, by thirteen minutes. Riku put a hand on his shoulder to both calm him and support him, and it worked.

"Who wants another?" Marluxia asked, trying to fix the tension by holding up some beers. I took one and Sora frowned at me. My twenty first birthday was only months away, although I usually didn't need an excuse to drink without feeling bad for it. Getting hammered was the only thing that relaxed me, because I could wake up hours later without remembering why I was guilty, which, as sad as it sounds, was the only way I could survive. But Sora hated seeing me drink, almost as much as Axel. Axel always got the worst of my drunken state, because I went through three phases when I drank, and he suffered each of them to the end. First I was the annoying wana-be funny drunk who does something stupid to try to make people laugh. When they laugh at me, I get all emotional and cry and panic about being all alone. After my dramatic stage, I move to the third and final stage: anger. I blow up and yell and throw shit and scream till I lose my voice or pass out, or both.

"Rox, lay off, two's enough since you haven't eaten yet." Axel advised.

"Nah, I'm just getting started." I slurred after I chugged half of my beer in one giant sip.

"Shit man, he's guna puke before the nights over." Xigbar laughed, finding my inevitable misery amusing.

"Roxas, chill." Axel put his hands on my shoulders and I put mine on his.

"No, you chill!" I laughed, pushing him in the pool. A couple people laughed quietly, but when Axel resurfaced, they went silent.

"Roxas? What the fuck?" He yelled, splashing water out at me as I giggled, drunk but not enough to do that without knowing better.

"You think this is funny?" He asked, climbing out of the pool and I nodded.

"Axel," Sora sent out a warning that if he tried any method of revenge, he'd sick Riku on him. Sora was pretty helpless against someone as tall and strong as my boyfriend, but Riku was muscular and tough. Axel looked as Sora and then at me.

"My phone was in my pocket, asshole!" He pulled out his phone and my eyes widened at the broken phone. I giggled again, hoping to hold onto the tiny bit of buzz that was escaping me fast. Axel didn't find the water damaged image so funny, and without hesitation he slapped me HARD across the face. His wet hand stung as I held onto my cheek, as red as his hair. I panted, in more pain that I was willing to admit.

"Axel!" Sora yelled and Riku ran up to Axel and put a hand on his shoulder.

"That's enough." The silver haired boy said and I stayed in my frozen position of fear and pain.

"Yeah, I've had enough of him." Axel said and I looked up at him, his eyes tired and drained. "We're through." He said, staring me down until I broke out crying. I wailed loudly as I ran to his room, hoping it was all a nightmare. No matter how badly I treated him and how often he threatened, I never thought he'd break up with me. And now, I couldn't take it. If I had known he was serious….oh god what did I do?

I threw myself on his bed and sobbed into his bedding, asking myself why over and over again. Why did I treat him so badly? Why didn't I see this coming? Why didn't I try to stop things from getting this bad? For the life of me, why?

I felt a hand comb through my hair as I wept and I knew it was Sora's. I continued to cry as he silently fingered my hair for about five more minutes before I got angry again. I sat up quickly and before Sora could calm me down, I started throwing anything I could get my hands on. I threw all the bedding off the bed, I threw pictures off the walls and across others. I threw his belongings onto the floor, I threw his clothes out of the closet and I wasn't surprised when I saw him in the doorway, probably trying to discover the origin of the sound of his possessions smashing on the floor.

"You done?" He asked me and I could tell he had been crying, or at least trying to hide it.

"NO!" I yelled back, still crying and now fisting my eyes, ready to die at any moment since I lost the only one I ever had or loved.

"Roxas, stop!" Sora tried to control me but I've always been stronger than him. Riku jumped in but I began throwing shit again and he backed up. Axel marched up to me and I slapped him. He halted, immobilized by my action, looking at me in bewilderment. I started hitting him wildly and as he tried to control me, I became more violent. Riku went to his aid and next thing I knew, I was being dragged out of his house and was thrown into Riku's backseat.

"He'll stay with us. I'll get his things tomorrow." Sora assured Axel as Riku child locked the doors from the inside and I flailed about the backseat like a wild animal taken hostage, screaming and swearing.

After ten minutes of driving, I gave up and traded my anger for sorrow. Riku walked me to his apartment, where Sora lived too, and they offered me to stay there as long as I needed since they had a spare room. I thanked them quietly and went to the spare room to lie down. I could hear Sora and Riku in their room watching a movie. They were the perfect couple in every way; true love at its finest. I was jealous of them and what they had. If only Axel and I could have had that. Axel. Fuck. I missed him. I started crying again, wishing I could have another chance. No more broken promises, no more lies, no more bullshit. Just love.

When I made sure they had fallen asleep by sneaking in for a peak, I ran away. I didn't know where I was going or who would take me, but I didn't care. I never cared. I'd take anyone who'd take a slut as dirty as me, so why should I start caring now?

The only one who popped into my mind was Zexion so I went to his house and knocked and his door.

"Roxas?"

"Can I stay the night?" I got straight to the point.

"I don't know, I don't think it's a good idea."

"What?"

"Roxas, we had fun in the past, but that's where I want to keep it."

"Please, I'll sleep on the couch, I have nowhere else to go!"

Zexion shook his head. "Goodnight Roxas."

I watched him shut the door in my face and I started tearing up again. For Zexion to reject me was a new low. The emo style usually wasn't my type, but at the same time, they are the easiest ones to get. Zexion's cute and smart, but has no self-esteem when it comes to his love life, so it wasn't much work for me to get him, which is my type.

But now, I felt like I hit rock bottom, not able to keep the one guy who hated life more than I did. Shit. How pathetic does one have to be to lose a guy who didn't love you to begin with? I cried at the curbside for about five minutes before I cursed at myself for being such an unwanted loser. I tried to think of anyone else who would let me stay the night at their place, even if I couldn't get them to fuck me. Namine wouldn't let me in because she was too quiet and shy unless she was drunk; that's the only way I was able to nail her last time. Xion had too much attitude to let me take advantage of her couch or bed like that, and I wouldn't want to sleep with her again anyway. I couldn't ask any of my friends that knew Axel, because they all liked Axel better than me and I didn't want my ….ex…to know how desperate I was now. Before tonight, I would never have called myself desperate, because I could easily find what I wanted and where without much trouble. But going from a last minute one-night-stand to a roommate for the night were two totally different things, and none of my 'friends' liked me enough to let me sleep over.

I dug into my pocket and found a piece of paper that had a name and number on it and I remembered that I got it from a cute body guard at a night club the other night, when I last wore these pants. I tried to sneak in, but when he caught me, he charged me a deep tongued kiss to let me go in anyway. I agreed and when he got off his shift soon after, he bought me a drink. We made out and he gave me his name, number, address and told me I was welcomed any night I wanted to go over.

Tonight was that night. I knew the neighborhood he lived in and quickly found the house itself, knocking on the door a little before midnight.

"Hey blondie," Luxord let me in and I asked if I could stay the night.

"I'd rather we skip the formalities. Just start stripping." Luxord was tall and big framed, not at all like the guys I preferred and not nearly as narrow wasted as my…as Axel. His hair was bleach blonde, his ears were pierced, and he worked at a casino. He was a catch, but even I was weary of what could happen. Afraid of what he could do to me, I obeyed and stripped right there in his living room.

"Ready?" he asked, grabbing my arm and leading me to a wall, shoving me up against it and without warning or stretching me, he intruded inside me. Immediately, I started sobbing like a baby. I hadn't been fucked standing up since….my dad. He was truly sick and disgusting and the reason I am why I am. A slut.

"Shut up!" Luxord slapped my ass hard and I whimpered. Flashbacks hit me hard and I started freaking out, which made Luxord livid.

"Shut the fuck up!" He spanked me roughly and I could feel my experienced ass reaching its limit. Usually I could take it rough and long, but Luxord's size was beyond anything that I'd ever hosted inside myself. I shouted and when he started fingering himself just to come faster. I let out a scream and he came out of me, twisted my body in a 180 spin, and shoved me without mercy onto the hard cold floor. I shivered and cried and he pulled me by the hair and dragged my legs across the floor into his room.

He picked me up and tossed me on his bed, taking me once again in an uncomfortable position. He spread my legs and I was so close to doing the splits as he rammed into me in the most painful sex I've had since my dad used to rape me.

When he came inside me, he shoved my face into the pillow and I could hardly breathe. He rolled over and sighed as he closed his eyes, ready to sleep. I sniffled, not knowing how I was going to tell him about my needs to be held, especially now that I was having flashbacks of my past.

"Lux, Luxy?" I sniffled, trying to be adorable and cute like he kept saying I was when we met in the bar.

"What do you want?" He asked, his native British accept really started to sound annoyed with me.

"Can you hold me?"

"Hold you? God I thought I was fucking a pussy, and now you want me to hold one?" I started getting angry. Now he was insulting me and treating me like shit and making me feel like my sex wasn't good enough. Making me feel like….like I make Axel feel. Fuck. He would never make me feel this way. If he were here right now, he'd hold me and tell me that everything was going to be ok and caress my back gently as I wept in his arms. If he were here right now, I wouldn't be in this situation because he never took it this far. He knew me so well and treated me so wonderfully that he'd never hurt me, not even accidentally. He knew when I started feeling scared or getting flashbacks just by the way my eyes would squint and my fingers would shake. He knew to stop what he was doing and hold me. Kiss me gently on my temples. Tell me he loved me.

God. What the fuck was wrong with me? How could I let him slip away? How could I have made such broken promises?

Luxords words echoed in my mind and the more I thought about Axel, the more I missed him and the angrier I got. "Fuck you!" I yelled at Luxord.

"Well I'd rather fuck myself than a pussy like you!"

"Shut up!"

"Get out!" Luxord pointed to the door and I stood up to fumble with my clothes.

"Gladly, you British bitch!" and right then I felt his backhand smack my face, the opposite cheek that Axel had slapped. His ring imprinted on my cheek and I could feel stinging so hard, it made my eyes water and my nose twitch.

"Get the fuck outa my house you whore!" I hated being called a whore because I hated how true it was. I stuffed my feet in my shoes and headed out the door when Luxord yelled at me. "Aye Blonde!"

When I turned my face to answer, my cell phone met my cheek, the exact same one he had just slapped.

"Ow!" I rushed my hand to my face. My phone must have slipped out when I scrambled to get my clothes on.

"Bye!" Luxord waved then fell back on his bed while I slammed his front door behind me. I didn't know where I was headed, but decided to check my phone since it's sharp tingling still stained my face. I had three missed calls and four texts, all from either Sora or Riku. I didn't bother to check any of them, but I called Sora and he answered before the first ring even finished.

"Roxas? Roxas where are you?"

All I could do was sniffle into the phone.

"Roxas, are you ok?"

Again I sniffled.

"Roxas?"

"Hey," I said so he knew I was ok, or as ok as I could be.

"Where are you?"

"Near Twilight Town High," I said, just a quarter mile away from said landmark.

"Stay there, we'll be right there to get you." He hung up and I knew he and Riku were on their way to get me.

I walked slowly to the high school, sitting on the grassy field waiting for Riku's expensive car to pull up. My face still stung and I couldn't even feel my ass anymore. When I saw Sora leap out of Riku's car, I told him to be careful before he hugged me too tightly.

"You ok? What happened?" He asked me with concern.

"I was …raped. It wasn't wanted and I tried to get him to stop, but he didn't. He slapped me too and my face stings." I said quietly. I could always be honest with Sora, even if I knew it would make him worry, because I knew he deserved to know.

"Oh Roxas! It's ok, you're safe now." He lifted me up and carried half my weight. When we got close enough to the car I could see my reflection in Riku's dark tinted car windows. My face was so red I thought of Axel, and when Sora opened the door behind the passenger seat he rode in, I saw said redhead. I wanted to ask what he was doing there, I wanted to jump into his arms, I wanted to hold him and beg him to take me back. But instead, I just sat there silent.

"Everyone buckled in?" Riku asked, being the perfect human being that he was. Sora nodded after he clicked his seat belt in and turned around to make sure I was too, but I wasn't.

"Roxas, you need to put your seat belt on." He told me but I didn't move. I could see Riku's eyes move nervously in the rear view mirror.

"Just go," I whispered.

Sora turned back around, not happy but not willing to fight about it. When Riku slowly pushed on the gas pedal, Axel unbuckled his seat belt and scooted to the middle seat. He leaned over me, took my seat belt, and buckled me in before buckling his new seatbelt on. Part of me wanted to swat his hand away while he reached across me, but more than anything I wanted to grab his hand and hold onto it for dear life.

But instead, I kept quiet.

"Where do you want to go Roxas?" Riku asked me, clearly giving me a choice between Axel's and his place as he got on the freeway.

I shrugged and Axel spoke up for me. "We'll go home."

Sora turned around and looked at me as if to ask if I was ok with Axel's decision. I nodded and he smiled.

"To Axel's!" he fist pumped the air like a little kid and Riku smiled at him and ruffled his hair. Damn, they were perfect in every single way; he was cute, he was adorable, he was so sweet. He was always the good twin. No wonder mom liked him better.

I started to frown deeply into my reflection as I stared out the window and I could tell that everyone in the car noticed.

"You ok?" Riku asked, occasionally checking into his rear view mirror to look at me.

I didn't answer and Sora twisted around.

"You thinking about dad?" He knew that what I told him back at the school would remind me of our dad. I nodded, a silent tear escaping my eyes.

"What about your dad?" Riku asked Sora.

"Roxas…gets flash backs about some shit our dad used to do to him." Sora explained simply and Axel turned to me.

"Did someone rape you?" He asked me but I couldn't answer. I could only cry, which was pretty much a confession. Axel wrapped an arm around me and pulled me into his side, which I welcomed all too easily.

"Oh Roxas," Riku's mouth hung open and I chocked over a tear.

"It's ok Roxas, we're going home." Axel rubbed my arm, calming me down as we pulled into his driveway. Sora vowed to come over in the morning and Axel reassured him that he and I would be ok for the rest of the night, and I believed him because I knew I had no fight left in me.