"I've had enough of this Roxas."
"Don't say that. Please, don't say that."
"I've…" Axel sighed heavily, as if he were debating his next words. "I've had enough of you." He shook me off his leg and shut the bedroom door after he left. I curled up on the floor, and cried the entire night.
I must have gotten two hours of sleep at best through my tears, and I woke up from the noise of Axel changing and getting ready for the day. I sat up, my eyes beyond sore, my heart so heavy it hurt. I felt like I lost my voice; like I had nothing to say, even if I could.
"Sora and Riku will be here in a few hours." Axel said when he noticed I was awake.
I wanted to scream, wanted to start crying all over again, wanted to refuse that option.
"Kay." Was all I said.
"Need help packing?" He didn't turn to look at me.
"No thank you." I don't know how I was being so polite, but I think that being thrown over the edge like I had the night before drove me to a whole new state of being.
"You sure?" I could tell my behavior was surprising Axel.
"Yes." I said quietly.
"Ok. Well, I'll be in the living room." He left and I stood up to shower and wash off the remnants of the desert I had made the day before.
When I finished showering, I changed, took out all of my clothes from Axel's closet and dresser, and piled them up. I went to the kitchen to get some bags to put all my shit in when I found Axel eating at the table.
"You ok?" He asked. I caught a glimpse of my face in the mirror and I looked like shit. My eyes were so swollen, as were my lips from all the tears. My cheeks were stained red from all the anger and swelling of emotions, and my hair was beyond a mess.
"Yeah," I said so quietly, I didn't even care if he heard me or not.
"Roxas, look, I don't want,"
"Please, stop." I quietly cut him off. I didn't want to hear it. Whatever it is he had to say, he could shove it up his ass. As of last night, I stopped caring.
"Would you just listen?" Axel stood up from the table, but I just turned around and headed for the bedroom, bags in hand. I could hear him chasing after me.
"Roxas," He grabbed my shoulder and forced me to turn around. I didn't look at him. I stared at my shoes, waiting for him to finish already so I could go back to packing.
"Look at me dammit!" He was getting angry that I wasn't angry, and I almost smiled, knowing that I wasn't the one to blame here. If he wanted to break up with me when he first did and never get back together, I couldn't blame him. But now, now that I had worked so hard to try to change, now it made no sense.
I looked up, giving him what he asked for.
"I, I don't want you to hate me." He said, as if he didn't expect to get what he wanted.
"I don't hate you." I said. I was being honest. In the end, it was my fault for breaking his heart over and over again.
"I do love you Roxas. Maybe, maybe I just need some time on my own before we can try again?" He sounded like he was just trying to be optimistic because he's just perfect that way.
"Just make up your mind." I said, turning around to finish packing. He didn't follow me and I got a lot done before he popped in the room again.
"I wanted us to work Roxas. I wanted to believe you each and every time you promised you wouldn't cheat on me again."
"I'm sorry I ruined the chances of that ever happening." I said, not looking at him, still packing.
"Just give me some time, ok?" Axel stooped down next to me and I nodded.
"Ok."
"You're, you're not mad at me, are you?"
"It's what I deserve Axel." I still had yet to look at him.
"Don't talk like that."
"Why else would you be kicking me out?" I finally looked him in the eye and he froze.
"I just need time,"
"Don't try to blame yourself. I never took our relationship seriously. Not until it was too late." I stood up. "Text me when Sora's here. I'm going for a walk." I didn't give him a chance to respond as I shot for the door.
I spent two hours, wandering around, thinking about everything, and about nothing. When I got tired of thinking, I started to head back to Axel's, wondering what would happen next in my life, and in his.
"Hey," Axel said when I walked inside; he was sitting on the couch watching TV.
"Hey," I said, sitting down as well, but not near him.
"You were gone for a while," Axel looked at me.
"Yeah," I put my hands to my chin, resting my elbows on my knees, pretending to be entertained by the TV.
"It, it got really quiet, and lonely."
"What are you trying to say?" I asked, so tired of this emotional roller coaster, I just wanted off.
"I…I missed you," Axel scooted towards me.
"I missed you too Axe," I wanted to give in, wanted to kiss him, wanted to have another chance.
He leaned in close, he wanted the same things I did, I could see it in his eyes, hear it in his breath, feel it in his pounding heartbeat. I moved to close in the gap, but the sound of the doorbell ruined everything, and when I turned around in surprise of its ring, Axel straightened up to answer it.
"Come in," He welcomed Sora and Riku. Sora helped me move all my shit to Riku's car while Axel talked to Riku.
"Thanks," Axel said to Riku as Sora and I went back for our last trip. I stood there, awkwardly, facing Axel, wondering what I could possibly say at a time like that.
"Thanks, for trying," I said. It sounded harsh, and I didn't mean it to, but it was all I could think of saying.
"No, thank you for trying." Axel said and I nodded. I turned around with Sora and I could hear Riku telling Axel to keep in touch. As I got in the backseat, I couldn't help but stare at Axel's house. I saw him in a window, staring back, crying.
We were all silent on the car ride from Axel's house to Riku's, and even as we entered inside his apartment, all the way through dinner.
"Thank you," I said to him and Sora before I offered to clean up the kitchen.
"Anytime," Riku said and I hugged Sora goodnight as the couple went into their room. Even though Riku offered me his spare room, I ended up falling asleep on the couch. Since I couldn't fall asleep in Axel's arms, I had to at least fall asleep to the same boring news channel he always fell asleep to. I clutched the pillow Riku gave me like it was Axel; holding onto it as if letting go, would mean losing him, and even though I had already lost him, the idea of losing 'pillow Axel' seemed unbearable. I silently cried into the pillow, holding it with all that I had, promising that I wouldn't let go of the only thing I had left. And what's worse? The pillow had a red pillow-case. I tugged at it, clawed at it, punched it, nearly came close to kissing it, just wishing I had my red love back.
I woke up to the sight of Sora kissing Riku goodbye as Riku left for work, and I rolled over, not able to stand the sight of a love I never had, even though I tried so hard to get it.
"You didn't want to sleep in the bed?" Sora asked, sitting on the coffee table to massage my shoulder as I lay on my side, back towards him.
"I need to fall asleep to TV." I said simply.
"Oh. Well, are you hungry?" Sora stood up and went into the kitchen. Thus began the next three weeks of my life. Every night I fell asleep with that fucking red pillow, every morning I woke up to witness the most true and beautiful love there is, and every day I ran errands with Sora while Riku was at work.
By the third week, I had grown tired of the mundane routine.
"I'm going to miss dinner, but I'll be back by eight." I told Sora, taking charge of my life for the first time in so long.
"Where are you going?" Sora asked, since the only places I ever went were to the market or stores with him, and therapy, because even though I had nothing left to prove to Axel, I needed to prove to myself that I could change. It wasn't until I realized that I deserved a second chance that I was willing to carry on with my new self. That first night here with Sora, I debated going back to my old ways, going back to the night clubs, back to the bars, back to the sweat and cum filled beds and back to the slut I always had been. But I couldn't do that to Sora, who is the only one who never got tired of giving me second chances. And I couldn't do that to Riku, who's allowing me to take up his extra room. And…I couldn't do that to myself. That month and a half I spent changing for Axel was the best month and a half of my life; Sora loved the new me, Riku wasn't nearly as intimidating, and Axel smiled more than I'd ever seen him smile. Maybe, I deserved it more than all of them? For that, I deserved to continue to change into who I was meant to be.
"I'm going to a job interview. I don't feel comfortable mooching off of you and Riku, so I'm going to try to get a job." I opened the door. "Wish me luck," I waved and Sora did just that.
It was a local family restaurant looking for a friendly seating hostess. I may not have been the most friendly of people, but I was Sora's twin, so when I smiled, I could get nearly anything I wanted. The only downside to that, was that I hardly smiled, not till Axel made me prove I loved him. But all that aside, I did my very best to be who I wanted to be, to be who I knew I could be. I nailed the interview, and not even two full days later, I got the job.
"Congrats!" Sora hugged me tightly, borderline strangling me.
"Sora, let him breathe!" Riku broke us up and I thanked both of them.
"Good job Roxas, we're proud of you." Riku patted my back.
"Let's celebrate!" Sora exclaimed, running to grab his sweater as we loaded up in the car to go out to eat.
"Your choice," Riku said and I shrugged.
"Anywhere, I really don't care."
"Roxas!" Sora whined, clearly not content with my answer.
"You pick for me Sora, you're my twin, so you should know what I'm craving."
Sora put a finger to his bottom lip. "Hmm, Thai food!"
I shrugged with a smile, "Sounds good."
"To a Thai restaurant!" Sora pointed to the sky as Riku started the car.
"Alright." Riku smiled and teased Sora's hair with his fingers.
We got to the restaurant, got our seats, and ordered our food as we discussed upcoming plans, Riku's days off, and Sora's never ending errand list. After a few bites of my super spicy food, I downed two glasses of water, and with watering eyes, excused myself to the bathroom.
The food was spicier than any I had ever eaten, and I was unintentionally crying, my mouth not as numb now that it was slowly fading, but my eyes looked really irritated.
"You ok?" It sounded like Axel's voice, but when I perked my head up from the sink I had been washing my mouth in, I saw a different red head.
"Yeah," I said slowly, surprised at how much this guy looked and talked like Axel.
"Too spicy?" He laughed and I nodded. "Well, I thought you were crying; just wanted to make sure you were alright."
"Thanks," I smiled and he nodded. I couldn't take my eyes off him. His hair was just as lively a red as Axel's, and although his eyes weren't as vibrant a green, they were close. His skin was pale, and his body just as lean and tall.
"You sure you're ok?" He asked after I had been staring at him for longer than I intended to.
"Hm? Oh, yeah, sorry." I blushed.
"What are you thinking?" The redhead leaned against the next sink closest to mine and I shrugged.
"You look, like someone I know," I didn't know what else to say.
"You look like someone I've heard about," He sounded so much like Axel, I wondered if I closed my eyes, who I would see.
"Really?" I asked, not sure what he meant by that.
"Yeah. Let me guess, you think I look like Axel. Axel Lea?"
"Yeah! How did you know?" I was surprised, excited, and confused all at once.
"He's my baby brother. We didn't talk much growing up, since I'm five years older, but we hung out just the other day."
"You did?"
"Yep. And since you thought I was Axel, that must make you Roxas, his blonde adorable little ex."
"Yeah," I hung my head low, all my enthusiasm gone with that painful reminder.
"Reno," the redhead stuck his hand out and I shook it. I was quiet. I didn't know what to say now that all my hope was gone.
"He misses you, you know?" Reno said and that small sliver of hope returned.
"He does?"
"Mhm. He called me cause he was feeling really down, and so I took him out to lunch. All he talked about was you."
I stayed silent; that could have been good or bad.
"Said he'd rather let you go than lose you." Reno shrugged and I nodded. Axel would rather dump me than risk me cheating on him again and breaking his heart all over again; made sense.
"I'd rather try than give up." I said, my tongue starting to feel existent again.
"Don't give up. He still cares for you, I can tell. Anyway, I better get going before my boyfriend, Rude, gets suspicious as to why I've been pissing for so long. Nice meeting you Roxas. And by the way," He leaned in close and I started to panic. "Don't break my baby brothers heart again, or you'll answer to me. Got it memorized?" he pointed to his temple and I nodded faster than I ever had before. He chuckled and smiled. "Good. Glad thats settled. Hope to see you 'round." He left and I sighed, wondering what twist of fate could have brought me to meet Axel's brother.
I remember Axel saying he had an older brother, but he never went into detail or anything.
When I finally went back to the table, Sora and Riku were almost done eating.
"What took you so long?" Sora asked, noodles slurping into his mouth.
"I ran into someone. But now I know, don't eat the red ones," I forked the red peppers and separated them from the rest of my food as we finished.
"Sora says you'd rather sleep out here?" Riku asked me when we made it back to his apartment that night and I nodded; I'd been sleeping on the couch for three weeks, not that I was complaining, but I guess Riku is more of an 'up-front' kind of guy, rather than one who just makes assumptions.
"Here are some extra blankets," He handed me a stack of folded blankets and I thanked him. "Don't mention it."
"Hey Riku?" I asked, knowing that Sora was in the shower and hoping to get advice from his silver haired boyfriend.
"What is it?" Riku was always so serious.
"What makes it so easy for you to be so good to Sora?" I wanted tips for myself, in case I ever got lucky enough to have another shot with Axel.
Riku shrugged, "I just treat him the way I want him to treat me. I know his strengths, I know his weaknesses, and I know what he wants. He loves being encouraged, loves being told that he did something right, and loves being reminded that he's important to me. It's easy for me to tell him all of those things, because they're true, and when I see his reaction to them, it makes me feel like I'm the one benefiting, not him."
I nodded. "Thanks, for the advice, and for being so good to him. I appreciate knowing that he's in good hands." I smiled and Riku smiled too.
"You really have changed Roxas. I can see it; I can tell it's real. Don't worry, soon enough, Axel will realize it too." Riku turned around but I couldn't resist.
"Thank you." I said, my face in his back as I ambushed him for a hug. I had NO intentions of taking him from Sora, but I needed a hug, a real one, not one with a pillow. I could tell my action startled him, because he was silent at first, before he turned around and put his arms casually around me.
"Hey, it's going to be alright, ok?" Riku ran his hand up and down my back and I sniffled into his chest. He wasn't as tall as Axel, but he had just as much, if not more, brute strength.
"kay," I tried to believe him; I wanted so desperately to believe him, but I could feel my faith wavering.
"Roxas, it will all work out the way it's supposed to. Don't worry." Riku messed with my hair and when I looked up at him, he was smiling. Riku's smile was as rare as mine used to be, so I smiled back. "This new you, it's who Axel really deserves. And I know that Sora and I are more than proud of you for going to therapy and working through all this. It won't go unrewarded." Riku patted my shoulder and went inside his bedroom as I slowly dragged my body back to the couch for another night with my pillow version of Axel.
Author's Note: So I'm back from Disneyland but I'm finding it really hard to keep up with my daily posts. Now that I'm on break for college and am spending the month with my family, I hardly have any time to write, since they have NO idea that I'm a yaoi writer, and if they did…..i'd be dead. So I have to wait till really late at night before I can even post, which makes writing nearly impossible. Thankfully I already finished this story a while ago, but it's hard for me to work on new fanfics. Anyway, my point in sharing this is just a warning that I may not be able to post as often or as much as I usually do until January, and I apologize in advance.
To Revolutionary Venom: Yes, it is a bit drastic but I do consider myself a writer of very dramatic stories and sometimes I get out of hand with my own plots, but hopefully they work . Thank you for taking the time to comment! I really appreciate it =)
To Shadowridge: Hahaha thanks! I like epic! Lol. YES! You should update more! I would totally read your stories, but since you don't appear to be logged in when you comment, I cant "stalk" you (aka, view your page =P). hahaha, awesome song btw!
To Hayakatsu: I just want to start out by saying thank you for reviewing! I love getting reviews, it totally makes my day. Anyway, Yes, I agree, Axel's actions don't seem to be making sense. He's saying one thing, doing another, and seems to be confused by his own thoughts. I think its funny how you wrote that Axel should have never taken Roxas back if he was only going to lead him on and then dump him, because when I wrote this chapter a long time ago, I wrote that as part of Roxas' thoughts. It was like you read my mind O.o lmao. But yea I feel bad for Roxas….even though I wrote it . About Demyx, that scene was pretty random, I wrote it in my head while I was on a run and for some reason I just kept it. Plus, I think Demyx would be the friend that, for Axel, he really would care that much. I hate how a lot of people portray him as dumb and clueless. If anything, he's just cute and innocent and a bit unaware, but he's still caring and smart and expressive. But I so agree, Roxas, the changed and trying to still change Roxas deserves support. Thanks for the thumbs up! Just so you know, I try to post at least once a day, sometimes once for every 2 days if I'm busy! I have plenty of Akuroku, Soriku, and cleon stories to keep you busy while you wait, if you're bored ^_^
To the anon who posted at the end of chapter 1 but seems caught up with all the posted chapters: Hope that intro helps you to know who you are, just cause it helps me try to get to know the anons who comment lol. Anywho, I completely agree that Axel needs the therapy because he just seems to be so insecure about whats going on with that 'relationship' that is over. Thanks, I did have fun at Disneyland, but someone I didn't know puked on me from motion sickness and it was gross and my family forced me to stay for hours after with puke on my shoes/leg….gross -_-. Also I try to post daily, but sometimes I get way too busy/tired and cant post for a day or two, but I do try. Thanks for commenting!
To Tomo7: One, thank you for commenting! Two, I so sorry I made you pissed! =O I admit that this is my most dramatic story so far, but I don't know, sometimes I read it to edit and I look back wondering what the hell I was going through to make me write such things. I'm glad you're hooked, but I hope you like it! I do update as often as I can, and I try to post daily, but if I'm busy I might skip a day, or two at most. Feel free to read some of my other stuff while you wait. Thanks again for commenting, and I'd love to hear feedback of any kind =)
To mellow-panda7: AWWW YAY! I'm glad that you love it ^_^ I super duper uberly appreciate that you commented, it really does mean a lot to get feedback of any kind and I'm glad you did, so thank you. I will most definitely keep writing and I hope you keep reading this story and others that I wrote if you get the time/chance! I shall post as often as I can ^_^ Thanks again!
To Salvi: Hmm, sorry if I sound like a creeper, but I haven't heard from you in a while lol, whats up? Lmao, ok back to normal me…(sorry I've been sleep deprived for 3 days now, I get crazy when I lose sleep). Anyway, Yeah, it does feel a bit random, but I guess it was one of those things where Axel wanted to believe something he didn't, and he could only lie to himself for so long. I try to explain it a little better later on, so hopefully it does make more sense. Basically it's a switch of Roles, where it starts with Roxas being insecure and unstable, but then Axel is now the insecure and unsure one and Roxas is the one trying to get his life together to keep this one-sided relationship.
Thank you everyone for reading, and especially those who are reviewing! It means so much to get reviews and I love writing back, so if you do comment, expect a response (if you're writing comments while I'm still posting new chapters lol).
Heart, Sarabellum