Standard disclaimer applies.
Author's notes: I've suffered author blocks before, but nothing like this (that's why this ficlet is extra special to me!). Lots of things have happened ever since the last update: holidays, parties, friends, boyfriend, school, exams, and many more, so I've been so busy I didn't even notice about it. I'm really, really sorry.
I don't know how much long it will take for another update because I wouldn't want to promise something to later on fail you. I'm just waiting for my muse to wake up… or come back from the mental institution. See you soon, thank you for the amount of love I received through your reviews!
WARNING: Spoilers for manga chapters 200+
Swallowing Pride
20.02.2006
He won't admit that he's missed her without even realizing it, the same goes for admitting any time soon that he's actually… glad that she is back, that she returned to him and his life. The orange-haired boy will do everything, anything to make it seem otherwise: frown deeply, lash at her and curse her, brush her off every time she tries to get near. He won't let her get into his core again and let everyone notice how much he really fancies her. Heck, he'd risk his neck as long as no one knows what's truly going on.
No, there is no way in hell that he'll tell Rukia out of his own will.
Ichigo is too proud, too worried about his reputation, and too anxious about her reaction.
He won't admit that that one night he feels apprehensive; a nagging voice in the back of his mind doesn't leave him alone. Ichigo won't say that he's worried as they experience that overwhelming reiatsu and as she later turns into a full-fledged shinigami before his eyes. There's no way, no way…
And as he sees Rukia rush away to fight off the arancar, he won't admit he becomes frustrated, angry, and utterly afraid. Why didn't she tell him before about her rediscovered abilities (he should have know better, it's Rukia he's talking about); why didn't she let him take care of that lousy, mutated hollow; why is she making him feel so useless and unable to protect her? Then, before he knows it, his heart starts racing as she unleashes power he hadn't deemed possible coming from her. The icy atmosphere that she creates with her Shirayuki and the thick, chilly fog do nothing to stop the heat inside his chest.
He won't admit that relief floods him when her enemy's spiritual pressure disappears into nothingness (Ishida's words ring in his head, if he just had learned to sense and recognize reiatsu more properly) and Rukia stands victorious in front of him in all of her arrogant glory. He won't admit that or the fact that he desperately wants to tear off the crazy kaizou konpaku bitch that is currently straddling him and run over to her to touch her and make sure she is unharmed.
He won't admit that time stops for him when his mind registers her deep, frantic voice and that she's screaming for him to run away. His feet won't move. Something starts tugging at Ichigo's heart painfully as a second time her chest and abdomen are pierced cruelly; the hand of that bastard makes a whole through her robes and starts creating blotches of blood that stain Rukia's black gi. He can't stand the idea of the other's fingers grazing her skin only to hurt her.
He won't admit he goes berserk the moment her semi-translucent form falls limply towards the cold concrete and her head hits the pavement with a thud. Ichigo can't even hide this one thing or has to say anything about it out loud to make it clear; it all shows in the way he holds Zangetsu in a vice-grip, how his eyes widen and are suddenly filled with shock and pain and anger and regret, and on how he needs to move and rush at the hollow in front of them.
He won't admit how weak he really feels when Matsumoto-san appears and takes Rukia in her arms. He wants to tell her that he'll carry the petite-framed woman himself, but his mind shuts off, like his mind, and his hands tremble too much. Ichigo is too scared, too broken. And he thinks, why in the seven hells I can't control that thing inside me? Why is that thing gnawing at his insides? Making him lose himself like that? Because, oh God, he's losing himself.
He won't admit that his knees shake when he finally reaches the place where the older woman has taken her. Rukia looks paler than usual, blood seeping from her side (he has a nasty flashback of a time like this, a scene of not so long ago that is too clear in his mind, but that one time he'd been against the dirty ground, bleeding) and her breathing is erratic.
He wants to tell her: Hold on, idiot! I'm here with you! But he knows she's far from being able to hear him. And then he wants to touch her, clasp her hands in his, and shout at her to wake up. But he knows he's far from being able to reach her.
He sighs in relief as Inoue Orihime finally finishes healing (captain) Hitsugaya and turns to assist Rukia next. His female classmate looks at him, fleetingly, and he knows that she is so, so concerned. Ichigo is selfish enough not to notice; instead his knuckles hit the floor as he kneels next to her and finds his gaze attached to the fallen woman.
Ichigo is too proud, but he still manages to mutter softly, with conviction, "Save Rukia."
His eyes focus on her, and her only; he doesn't even turn to glance at the auburn-headed healer as he speaks.
"Please, Inoue, save her."
The other girl nods at him, offers some soothing words that he doesn't hear, and starts working on the wounded shinigami steadily and fast with her one good arm and hand. The warm glow envelopes Rukia's form and makes her black hair shine.
And here he stops to think. Rukia has changed something within him again; Ichigo has learned to swallow his pride, even if just once.