AN: Long time, no update. Reason? No time. I have a moment for all three couples in here though so that should help out some. And don't worry about Zach, guys, he's not causing any damage. Hope you enjoy, please review, thank you.
A Lack of Color
Chapter 3: Compton's Lonely Heart Club
Marissa opened an eyelid, and could already see the distinct shape of another human being. If she couldn't see the vague image of their body, the sobbing would have alerted her that someone was in the room with her. Her head hurt, and she let out a groan, which immediately caught the other person's attention, and they turned around, "Coop!"
Marissa attempted to give her best friend a small smile, but it just couldn't come to her. She wasn't at the point that she could smile yet, three days after trying to kill yourself, you weren't all smiles. Marissa however pulled out the happiest voice, "Hey Sum."
Summer looked her over, and then made a grab for a tissue in her bag. She tried to wipe away any evidence of her having cried. Summer didn't like showing her feelings, because she was surrounded by doctors who looked down on her if she was too emotional. Surgeons couldn't have feelings that was the rules sometimes Marissa wondered why Volchok wasn't a surgeon. Marissa let Summer fix herself up and waited for Summer to continue the conversation, "I read your chart."
"Can I see it?" Marissa asked in curiosity. She felt like an outcast the past three days, she had no idea who had saved her. She had no idea how they'd done it, she'd designed it so that no one would be able to fix her.
Summer shook her head, "Absolutely not."
"Why not?" Marissa demanded.
"Because you can't be trusted with your life right now." Summer told her, "Right now, you're a woman who tried to kill herself; you can't see your chart because there's no way to tell if you'd use the information on how we saved you to just make your next attempt."
Marissa nodded, she knew it was standard procedure, "Can you at least tell me who I need to thank for saving my life?"
"Yeah, I can." Summer sighed, "Atwood, Townsend, and..."
"And…?" Marissa raised her eyebrow.
"Volchok." Summer told her hesitantly, "That was the main team."
"Oh." Marissa whispered, "I tried to do it on a night that the people closest to me weren't on."
"How kind of you," Summer snapped, "You know what Coop just because we weren't there watching it happen doesn't mean we wouldn't have still felt the blow."
"Sum," Marissa started.
"No, Marissa. You want to know how I found out about you? Cohen, my intern, told me that you'd tried to kill yourself, and he had to cover the ER. A Med Student had to cover the ER! And so you know what I think immediately? I think, well Cohen must be lying because when I asked you if you wanted to get a drink, you said rain check, and you would never make a promise that you couldn't keep. But then I get your chart, and find out its true." Summer yelled, "So, please don't try to justify what you did. I know that something must have caused you to snap, but please don't justify it because you can't."
Marissa was stunned, by her speech, "I'm sorry."
"You're a selfish bitch, you know that right?" Summer whispered as she climbed onto the bed next to Marissa and let out full out sobs.
"I know, Summer, I know." Marissa whispered.
Ryan walked into the ER with Seth that day. They'd spent a lot of time with each other since the lunch, basically because Kirsten and Sandy had not so subtly suggested that they get to know each other, and neither liked to disappoint their parents. Seth of course had basically nonstop been working in the hospital, and Ryan had enjoyed a pleasant or not so pleasant two days off with his wife. Teresa had been quite argumentative lately, and it was really bothering him. She knew that his job was important to him, and that he couldn't very well waste Sandy and Kirsten's money, yet she still made it out to seem like he worked to stay away from her.
He had introduced Seth to Teresa once, and it was like the old times. Teresa was the video game playing woman he'd fallen in love with, joking and cracking jokes, and being affectionate. They'd ordered pizza, and then watched Spiderman, and Teresa had told Seth that she had free passes for the next Spiderman movie's premiere, and that she could give them to him, and the girl of his choice. Seth had been so thrilled that Ryan was pretty sure he was in love with Teresa too now.
"Ryan, question about chemistry." He heard a female voice say, and he turned to see Taylor Townsend sitting in the main desk, all scrubbed up.
Seth raised an eyebrow at him and said, "I got to get to rounds, I'll see you later?"
"Yeah, sure." Ryan shrugged and turned towards Taylor, "What are you doing here?"
"They needed a replacement nurse manager for the ER, until Marissa comes back, so they offered it to me, and I thought why not?" Taylor smiled, "So now I'm here doing my work and doing charts and stuff, it's actually pretty cool."
Ryan smiled, "I'm gonna change into my scrubs. Then I'll help you out with chem."
Taylor nodded her head, and picked up the phone, "Compton General ER…"
The surgeons were doing their rounds around the surgical ward, walking in a herd, the leader of the herd was Dr. Nichol, a man Seth had always been intimidated by, the other surgeons followed with their noses stuck up in the air. Seth had been told throughout medical school surgery was the snobby specialty. They thought they were better because they went inside the body, they made medicine seem like it was a giant competition, and Seth had always thought about it as a service, for the people.
Seth looked around for Dr. Roberts so that he could find his spot in the herd, however she was no where to be found. Dr. Nichol had noticed her absence too, but hadn't said anything. The herd of surgeons headed towards Zach Stevens room, a patient who reminded Seth a lot of himself. Zach was a nice guy, funny, into comic books, athletic, and apparently finishing off a Law degree at USC. Zach also had a very large tumor in his brain that they were attempting to shrink before surgery.
"Hey Seth," Zach greeted him with the classic smile on his face, "Thanks for the old Superman comics, it kept me entertained last night." Zach had noticed the herd of surgeons as well, and simply nodded in their direction.
"Hey, no problem dude." Seth shrugged, as Dr. Nichol turned his fierce glare on him, Seth felt him shrink a little bit, and said, "I mean Mr. Stevens."
Zach rolled his eyes, and then asked, "Where's Dr. Roberts?"
"A fine inquiry, Mr. Stevens," Dr. Nichol said, now it was time for Seth to roll his eyes, and then the door opened suddenly, revealing Summer. She was visibly shaken, her face was red, and her cheeks had the remainder of tears on them, "Where have been you Dr. Roberts, crying over the latest soap opera?"
"No, I was in psych, a patient crashed, and none of the doctors was there, so I helped out." Summer shrugged, "I'm sorry I was late."
"Are you a psychiatrist or a surgeon, Roberts?" Dr. Nichol demanded. Seth glared at him, clearly there was no need to torture her like this, she was visibly upset, he didn't have to make it worse.
"A Surgeon, Dr. Nichol." Summer responded confidently.
"Then stay out of psych," Dr. Nichol sneered evilly, "Oh, and don't cry Roberts, there's no crying in surgery."
Seth snorted at this, and suddenly every eye on the room had shifted from Summer to him. Dr. Nichol looked at him, "Something funny, Mr. Cohen?" His eyes dared Seth to respond.
"Yeah, your joke was pretty hysterical." Seth responded sarcastically.
"What joke would that be Cohen?" Dr. Nichol sneered, his voice continuously daring Seth to continue.
Seth knew he should back down, but right now he was too annoyed to back down, so he said, "You know how you said there's no crying in surgery? Well there's this line from a movie about baseball and girls and uh I don't remember what it's called, but…"
"A League of Their Own," Zach filled in.
Seth nodded, "Right, A League of Their Own, and Tom Hanks is playing the baseball coach, and he goes to one of the girls, there's no crying in baseball. And so I thought that you were referencing it, in like a pop culture trivia like challenge."
"Totally seemed like that to me too." Zach agreed.
Dr. Nichol ignored Zach, "It wasn't a joke, Cohen."
Seth knew that he should stop then, and apologize, but something was holding him back. So instead he continued, "Oh really because if it wasn't a joke, then I'd have to say you were harassing her. You were talking to Dr. Roberts like that because you don't think that as a woman she can handle being a surgeon, so you're trying to make her run scared from the department, but since she's not running, you're just being cruel. Is that what you're saying Dr. Nichol, because I know plenty of lawyers who would find your treatment of employees fascinating."
"Cohen, get out. Spend the day in the ER, where delinquent doctors belong, I'm sure Dr. Atwood and Dr. Volchok will welcome you with open arms." Dr. Nichol bit sarcastically, "Stay away from the surgical department all day today, if I see you we'll make it a week. Now get the hell out of my sight."
"Yes sir," Seth said, as he exited the room. He made one last look at Summer, who was speechless; he sighed, and exited the room.
Ryan came out in his scrubs, and threw his lab coat over them, and headed straight towards the front desk, "Okay what do you need help with Taylor?"
"Hess's Law," Taylor complained, "It just doesn't make sense like how do you do it, and how do you make it work? I really have never been good at physical chemistry, this is just torturous, why do we have to know it?"
"Because physical chemistry like energy and heat still makes a difference in organic chemistry. You need to understand all aspects of chemistry because the body is just one big chemical reaction, so you need to know about all kinds of chem., in order to get work done." Ryan told her.
"But Hess's Law makes no sense." She groaned, "I don't even understand what's going on."
"You're kidding right?" Ryan asked, "Everyone can do Hess's Law, it's a short cut and so much easier than doing the whole elaborate process. Even Volchok can do it."
"What can I do?" Volchok asked, and handed Taylor a chart for her to check.
"Hess's Law," Ryan told him.
Volchok rolled his eyes, "Obviously, that thing saved my physical chem. grade."
"I don't understand what's going on." Taylor told them, and signed Volchok's chart, "Kid in room 3 vomiting, seems like the perfect case for you Volchok."
Volchok rolled his eyes, and headed off to the exam room 3. Ryan took Taylor's book and looked at the problem, "Alright, so you want to find the heat evolved by this reaction, right? So look at the other three reactions that you have the evolved heat for, can you eliminate anything so that you get the reaction you're solving for."
"Yeah," Taylor said as she looked over the equations, "If you switch one of them."
"Uh huh, and if you switch them then you have to change the sign, right?" Ryan asked and Taylor nodded, "Now since these three reactions can be combined to create the reaction you're solving for you have to add all of their evolved heat up, and you'll get the evolved heat for your reaction."
"You're amazing! That actually makes sense! Wow, Ryan." Taylor sighed, "I've never gotten that before, but you're right that's so much easier."
Ryan laughed, "I was always good at physics and chemistry, it just all seemed logical to me, so I was pretty decent at it. Kinda sucks because when you're a doctor you really just need biochemistry."
"Please, Ryan you're the best doctor that's ever walked through this ER, Nichol even admits it. They all know that you should be at UCLA or USC, but instead you're here working in the projects, and it's the best thing that's happened to them in awhile, you know it Ryan." Taylor told him.
"There's no need to flatter me, Taylor. Everyone here has gifts that could be used just as well at big hospitals, but they choose to be here too. Luke is a brilliant diagnostician, he can come up with abstract solutions easily, and he can see symptoms for what they are. Volchok is terrific in trauma; he can work fast and efficiently in gunshot victims, stabbing victims, and suicides. Summer is brilliant, hardcore, yet compassionate, and she can do a chest tube like no one's business, and we all know that she'll be a phenomenal surgeon. And you, Taylor you have a photographic memory, and you have no idea how gifted of a doctor that will make you." He told her simply.
Taylor smiled, "Thank you Ryan that means a lot coming from a doctor like you. How's Teresa?"
Ryan shrugged, "She's fine. Jack?"
"He was gone when I got home after the Marissa incident, the next thing I know the police are there with a warrant for his arrest, apparently he had an affair with one of his students, and they had pressed charges, and he fled." Taylor mumbled in disgust.
"I told you he was creepy." Ryan told her and then shook his head, "So he raped a girl, and fled. You have a fantastic choice in men."
"He didn't technically rape the girl, it was consented." Taylor argued.
"How old was the girl?" Ryan questioned.
"Fifteen," Taylor admitted, "I'm not saying it's right and I still think it's disgusting, but if she gave consent, I hate to use the word rape."
"Taylor, its rape." Ryan told her softly, "I'm sorry, for what it's worth."
"Not your fault," She muttered, "Whatever it's better this way. I have more time to study for medical school, and get to be a real independent woman, date around a bit. Hangout at bars, it's more fun that way."
"I'm sure you have a lot of time to barhop," He teased her, "I mean Medical School and working as the nurse manager in the ER, I mean what do you do with all that free time."
"Twiddle my thumbs," She laughed.
He nodded, "That's what I thought."
"Ryan, do you ever regret marrying Teresa?" She asked him with interest.
He looked at her raising an eyebrow, "I don't know what you mean."
"Like if you hadn't married her right away, you would have gotten more time to go out and determine if she was the one for you. Do you ever regret not dating anyone else?" She asked.
"Honestly, I've been with Teresa my whole life, basically. I had a lot of time to get to know her, before I married her, and to really determine if he was the one. I knew everything about Teresa when I married her, and I knew she'd be a great companion for the rest of my life, I don't regret marrying Teresa at 21, at 21 Teresa and I had been together longer than most newly wed couples." Ryan answered.
"Does it ever get boring?" Taylor asked him softly.
Ryan considered that for awhile, before answering, "Everything gets boring."
Taylor was so close to him that he could hear her breathing, "Except for this."
"What?" He whispered, so confused they were so close that if she moved an inch closer they'd be touching.
"The ER never gets boring." She told him moving away to look over the board, "I'm gonna take care of exam room 5. See you later."
"See ya." Ryan muttered.
Luke had just finished up with an old lady, when he saw Volchok in the hallway. When Volchok saw him he said, "Hey just the guy I'm looking for. Baby vomiting blood in the exam room 3."
Luke took the case without arguing, Volchok was terrible with kids. And Luke didn't mind them as much; he headed into the exam room, and introduced himself, "Hello my name is Dr. Ward, you can call me Luke." He looked around the room; it was absolutely empty, except for a screaming baby in the corner on the exam room, Luke sighed, he knew what happened before he looked at the note next to the baby that said, Sorry.
Luke picked up the screaming baby off the exam table, "Hey buddy, my name's Luke you're gonna be okay, I promise." The baby was still screaming, clearly whatever was wrong with the baby was very painful. He carried the baby out of the room, "Ryan, I need you."
Ryan came running into the room followed by Seth, "What's going on Luke?"
"Abandonment," Luke said, "Some assholes thought it was a good idea to abandon their sick baby in the hospital, I need help running an exam."
"Okay, Seth help Luke out." Ryan said, "I'll get social services and call the police."
"Alright, Seth I'm going to hold him, and you do the exam," Luke whispered so that he wouldn't disturb the baby more, "Okay, we're looking for internal injuries because there's blood in his vomit, so what are you gonna test first?"
"Stomach?" Seth asked, moving his hand to the infant's stomach, Luke nodded, "It feels hard."
Luke nodded, "Okay so what are possible causes?"
"Gastritis causes stomach pain and at severe stages can cause blood vomiting." Seth suggested.
Luke shook his head, "You have to have gastritis, unchecked for about two-three months for it to cause blood in the vomit. He's only a month old. Other ideas?"
"An ulcer in the stomach, but that's rare in infants this young." Seth said.
Luke rolled his eyes, "Cohen if you're gonna work in surgery or emergency medicine, you need to learn the one rule: expect the unexpected."
"You want me to test for an ulcer, that test is brutal on anyone let alone a one month year old." Seth pointed out.
"Cohen, run a blood test for H. pylori, if the test comes back positive, then we'll decide if an x-ray is necessary or if we're just going to do an endoscope. Just run the blood work." Luke told him, Seth nodded, and found a tourniquet so he could start an IV. The baby screeched as the needle went in, "I'm sorry," Luke whispered, "I'm so sorry."
Seth was headed toward the lab to put a stat order on the infant's blood work when he bumped into Summer, her chart scattered on the floor, and they both bent down to pick it, "Uh, sorry Dr. Roberts."
"Don't worry about it, Cohen." Summer said reclaiming her chart and brushing herself off, "I wanted to talk to you actually about what happened during rounds."
"Okay?" Seth said uncertainly.
"It took a lot of balls to do what you did today. And on one aspect that makes me see that you're going to be a good surgeon, because surgeons need to be ballsy. But you can't talk to the chief like that; it's just in bad taste. I appreciate you sticking up for me, but you ruining your career for something that's not going to change isn't worth it." Summer told him.
"I was just trying to help you out." Seth told her.
Summer sighed, "I know Cohen, and if this was a bar room brawl over whether I was a whore or not, and you defended my honor, well you'd probably end up in my bed, but this is work and at work you playing knight in shining armor to my damsel in distress is not a turn on, Cohen. Because these guys do think I'm a damsel and that I need someone to rescue me, but I'm not a damsel Cohen, I can take care of myself, and you trying to defend my honor is not helping me, okay? It's just proving them right, I'm not a weak damsel at work or anywhere for that matter, I can take care of myself or I wouldn't have gotten this far in my residency. So this didn't turn me on, if it was your goal."
"It wasn't my goal," Seth said, "I didn't like how he was talking to you, I have a great amount of respect for you, and I don't think he had any reason to talk to you like that. You work your ass off for your patients, and if you're running late it's because you're helping them out. He shouldn't be yelling at you for being a good doctor. How's Zach going?"
She smiled, "He's singing your praises Cohen. He said Nichol had it coming all along and that you were awesome there. He also wanted you to drop off some other comic books for him. Medically, he's pretty much the same; we haven't noticed much difference with chemo. He actually told me that I needed to talk to you."
"Wise man that Zach," Seth said softly, "Nice guy too."
Summer nodded, "Right? Who knew that not all lawyers were smucks?"
"I definitely did not," Seth admitted, "Although to be fair he's not a lawyer, yet."
"Cohen!" Summer laughed, and gave him a playful hit.
"Ouch! Who knew that surgeons could punch?" He wondered.
Summer smirked, "I definitely did."
Seth laughed, "One last question because I have to get this blood work there."
"Sure," Summer said softly, "This is a teaching hospital after all…"
"You were totally turned on by my knight in armor skills weren't you?" Seth inquired.
Summer shook her head with a smile, "Get your head out of the gutter, Cohen."
Volchok had just signed off on his last patient of the night, and headed to the locker room to get changed out of his scrubs, and into suitable clothes to hit the bar, and seduce some girls. Yeah, it sounded like an awesome plan for the evening. He entered the locker room, and his jaw dropped when he saw who was there waiting for him, "What are you doing here?"
"Psych discharged me." She told him softly, she could feel his eyes on her examining every part of her, and she didn't know what to make of it. She was pale, as anything but that could be expected after what she'd done.
"You did it three days ago and they discharged you!" Volchok yelled in frustration, "You should be up there for at least a week after trying to kill yourself, they're a bunch of idiots…"
"Do you want to know what happened to me today?" Marissa asked him. She pulled the hair out of her eyes, and didn't wait for him to reply, "Summer called me a selfish bitch."
"Oh, the drama." Volchok muttered sarcastically, "I'm sorry you're feuding with your friend, Marissa."
"The thing is we're not feuding, Kevin," She muttered, "That's what she told me when she saw me for the first time since you know, and I can't help but think she's right. What I did was incredibly selfish, I didn't think of anyone else. I just thought of me, I didn't even think of how it would feel if I'd been successful or how it would affect my friends. No, I just thought I can't deal with this anymore, so I need a way out. Do you wanna know why I did it?"
He didn't answer her. Clearly, he wanted to know what had caused her to want to kill herself, but on the other hand, he wasn't sure if he could take her reason if it had something to do with him, he wasn't sure he could stand it so he shrugged, "Whatever."
"I tried to kill myself because it felt like I was alone. I don't have a boyfriend; I lost him because he chose someone else. I didn't have anyone to talk to, because the only friends I have are doctors and we either work together or they work when I'm off. My mother treats me like dirt, and could care less about me. And then patients kept dying, my patients kept dying, and the interns teasing that I was the Angel of Death, and shit, got to me. I started planning it after the pregnant woman died. I felt like they were dying because I was there, and why wasn't I dying instead? I had nothing and no one, why couldn't it be me? I should have talked to someone, tried to make plans, but I don't even know how it happened, I was upset by our break up but it was nothing like this, it was like I only dealt with a little anguish and then suddenly it surrounded me, and I needed to break free of it." Marissa explained, "I never meant for you to be one of the ones who treated me, I tried to do it on a day that Ryan and Luke were on, and you were off."
"You're a terrific planner," Volchok muttered lamely, "I even told you that night that I was on, I remember I asked you to get drinks with me after got off the next night."
"I thought, I thought you meant like you wanted to make plans for the next day, it didn't register in my mind that you were working till then, I thought it was like you were making plans for the next day, I promise you I had no intentions of you being there to call it. I didn't do it to spite you." She whispered softly.
"I was getting saline from the drug cabinet when I was talking to you, you told me you were making sure everything was in order, and then the stuff you used to do it weren't household items, please tell me you didn't steal the medicine when I was there." He mumbled.
"I already had it for like a week." Marissa answered, "I know I'm the last one who should be asking you this, but I need a favor."
"What do you need?" He asked her.
"A ride," She told him softly, and continued to play with her hair in a distracting way and then added, "To a rehab for depression."
"You have a car," He pointed out.
"I came by ambulance," She countered and then added, "This morning made me realize what I'd done was wrong. Up until then I just thought crap they won't let me die, I was meant to deal with this pain, and I can't deal with this." She paused, "I realized that I was meant to live, but instead of being happy, I was angry by the fact that I was alive. And that's just disgusting, most people are happy that they get a second chance, but I'm miserable that I was getting a second chance! Then Summer came in, and I realized how painful it was to her that I'd done this, that's when it hit me, my depression wouldn't just go away because I was dead, it would just go towards the people I loved, and I couldn't hurt the people who I love. So I decided I needed to get rid of the thing that was destroying my life."
She looked up at him, and he was staring right at her, taking in everything she'd said, that's when she let it out. She started sobbing, hysterically, she found the bench in the locker room, and started crying hard she felt more weight go onto the bench, and she instinctually went towards the warmth of another human, and put her head on his chest, and continued to sob. She felt his arm go around her, in a shield-like manner.
"Kevin," She whimpered, "I can't live like this. I can't live this miserably, I really, I just can't. I don't want to feel this pain anymore; I don't want to cause this pain anymore. I want to be happy again, I don't even remember what it was like to be happy, I don't remember what happiness feels like. I want to remember, I want the misery to go away, I just want to be happy."
He sighed, and soothed her back, "I know, Marissa, I know."
AN: Review, please (: