Misc: I've nothing really to say about this chapter except... I think it was a bit of a pain. So sorry if it's not as good as the first one. :(
Chapter Two
Illium. It's grandiose appearance, heavy presence of the asari… it gave Nos Astra a grand, mystical presence. It was enthralling… unless one heard of the dangerous tales of the place. And every turian had heard the stories.
For Garrus, he wasn't the most eager to set foot on the planet. Not that such really mattered. He had agreed to accompany Shepard on the mission against the Collectors and their base wasn't exactly one of the top destinations he wished to travel to. But… it was the deception of safety that was getting to him here. He hated feeling that he wanted to let his guard down and could… when he knew it was a mistake.
Still he made no complaints. Mentioned what he thought of the place to Shepard, but he knew why they were here. In search of an assassin and a powerful justicar; why not come here? And then there was some matter with Miranda and her sister. The turian had nearly choked on his own spit when Shepard informed him of that concern. Who knew that the ice queen had the ability to care about anyone? And then the thought that Miranda had a sister. He doubted a 'second Miranda' could be at all beneficial to the galaxy.
Well… he had found the notions rather amusing, but… when he made a joke, he was surprised to find Shepard unresponsive for several seconds. It was then that he realized she seemed a little dazed and troubled. That came as a shock as the woman had been rather delighted when Tali agreed to join them, despite the affiliation with Cerberus. He had imagined that she would have been ecstatic for a few weeks at least… as she had been when he came onto the new Normandy. After all, he knew Tali meant a lot to the commander, valuing the quarian's friendship and knowing that Tali was the best person to trust with in regards to a ship's maintenance.
Yet she seemed out of it and withdrawn. Not something he was used to.
And the thought seemed to be shared by another.
"Hey Shepard… I'm going to go check out that kiosk there. Look for decent tech upgrades," Tali suddenly spoke up, breaking the heavy and suppressing silence that lingered amongst the three of them.
"Huh? Oh, yea… okay. Well… I'm just going to go to that bar Eternity," Shepard murmured in a lost, sullen voice that made both the turian and quarian share a startled glance just as the former Alliance soldier decided to make her way to her mentioned destination.
"Um… I think that someone needs to accompany her, don't you?" Tali said, the worry evident in her voice as her hands began to fidget. "I don't like how quiet she's been these last few days. She… you don't think she's mad at me for not wanting to work with Cerberus…"
"I doubt it," he shook his head, remembering what she said when he made the mention of working with Cerberus. It was quite clear she wasn't going to think that she really was affiliated with Cerberus, even if everyone else did… or if it was true. He didn't blame her. "She hardly cares to accept their help, but… what other choice does she have? And mad? At you? She was delighted that you were joining us.
"She probably caught wind of some sort of news she doesn't like…"
"You don't think it's Alenko? I heard about Horizon…"
"I thought she was over that…" Garrus murmured looking over towards the way to the bar. "If it doesn't take too long, meet us at the bar. Otherwise we'll head back here," he said before quickly dashing off to catch up to Shepard, which actually took a little longer than he had expected. If judging by her prior demeanor, the turian would have thought that she would have taken her time, trudging along with the slow, heavy pace that she had earlier. Her walk might still have a heavy manner about it, but there was nothing slow or sullen about her stride. Instead she had picked up speed…
And threat.
That made it impossible for Garrus to come to any conclusion. Since reuniting with Shepard, he had noticed that she was more on edge than the first venture he had with her. Unless she was directly interacting with himself, Tali, or either Joker or Dr. Chakwas, she was a much harder woman than he remembered. He was used to her being a woman with a determined fire for a soul, used to how she pushed against whatever barriers where thrown before her. But he wasn't used to hearing hate in her voice, seeing anger in her eyes, or her body going rigid with the clear desire to break someone's neck. But all of that… it was present so often about her now.
All because the woman had to work with the faction that had killed off her entire unit.
Seeing her this way, it frustrated the turian that the one person that should have trusted Shepard… didn't. He couldn't believe it honestly. The whole crew knew what Shepard thought of Cerberus after her run-in with Toombs. So why did Alenko have to claim her as a traitor? Even Tali – a quarian dedicated to her people and understandable hateful towards Cerberus for threatening her people – heard Shepard out and joined up to help their old friend.
Just where was the sense of all of this when the woman had done her best not only to right what wrongs she could but was working to save the galaxy from the Reaper threat… and those that should care didn't? How was it that the Council could turn their back on Shepard and ignore the Reapers? How?! How could people that were to be looking out for the welfare of so many races brush aside the greatest threat to their existence?
It was just another thing from that long list in life that Garrus hated…
He was just glad that at least he wasn't one of those bastards. And neither was Tali. At least they were here to stand by Shepard's side and if he had his way, he'd be right there until the end.
He wanted to do good. He could do that with Shepard. And… at least she was a great leader. Not a failed one like him. She never made a decision that caused such utter devastation to her team. Williams had been lost, but there had been no other choice – except for Shepard to choose Alenko to die instead – and at least it had only been one of the six that followed the Commander.
But for him… of his squad of twelve, only two survived. Himself… and the damn traitor, Sidonis.
Served him right though, didn't it? He was a fool to think he could live up to Shepard's example, even in part. He should have known better. He couldn't pull of anything in the way she could. Hell, he would have been dead if she had gotten there on Omega to pull his ass out of the mess he got himself in.
Still… at least he was back with Shepard. Like he told her… he wouldn't trade this for anything.
Although… he would have preferred if Shepard could be the same woman he remembered her as.
Seeing her sitting at the bar, swiftly downing a double of some intensely strong liquor before just as quickly ordering another one… that wasn't the same human soldier he came to admire when he was a few years younger.
"I take it being on a suicide mission means you don't mind killing your body as you prepare, huh?" he questioned as he sat on the stool next to her, not succeeding in making a light joke of the situation as she downed the second shot.
"With the way this damn galaxy is turning out to be… I should be entitled to drown myself in alcohol all I want," she grumbled, scornfully staring at the now empty shot glass in her hand, as if her hard stare would make the glass refill itself. "I get killed, have to be brought back to life by the fucking black ops group that killed my friends, the Alliance and the Council turns their backs on me, so that leaves me to work with said ops to save everyone's sorry asses…
"And for what? Why the hell am I even doing this?"
He didn't have anything to say. He didn't know what to say. He knew why Shepard was doing this. She knew why as well. It was obvious; the commander was hardly brainless, particular as she had gotten them out of messes in ways he would have thought were impossible. She knew that unless the Reapers and Collectors were defeated, life as they knew it would be over.
So all he could think was she was asking what was her personal stake? Humans often had one. What was hers?
Well, he wasn't going to be the one to bring up Alenko if that was really what this was about.
So he didn't know what to say.
Didn't matter, not as Shepard suddenly slammed the base of her glass onto the counter before she leaned forward, resting her face against her palm with a groan. "Dammit. Why can't things just be like they were before? It wasn't nearly this complicated when we went after Saren. I can't believe that Sovereign was on their doorstep and the Council still deny the notion of Reaper existence. Or that they're even more asinine than they were two years ago."
"Can you expect anything else out of politicians?" Garrus muttered, ordering a drink for himself.
"Would be stupid if I said yes," the commander groaned, her hand falling from her face and instead reaching to massage the back of her neck as her head twisted and turned was the obvious pain of drinking too much too fast.
It made him give a chuckle… and earn a swift glare from Shepard, before she ended up giving a groan and bowing over from the spike in pain in her head. The turian gave another chuckle before finishing his drink and helping the woman from her seat. She slowly turned to regard him with a cocked brow. "You obviously can't hold your alcohol. Might as well get you somewhere you can sit and not worry about falling over…"
"You know, Garrus… sometimes I hate you," she grumbled, but she didn't fight him and instead did take to leaning on him as a slight stumble did settle into her step. She practically crashed into the booth he led her to, her elbows propped up against the table and her head resting in both of her hands. He took a seat across from her just as she gave another groan and ripped off the visor she still wore, before she returned to cradling her head. As much as it had been rather amusing to see Shepard actually take in more than she could handle for once, now Garrus just felt remorseful for the woman. He didn't blame her for trying to drown her problems with alcohol; she had more issues to deal with than she deserved after all. Too bad her attempt to lessen the problems was only making it worse.
"Look… if you're going to say something, say it," Shepard eventually growled, turning her head slightly to meet his gaze with a glare. "Yea, I know I haven't been the most animated person of late. So now you and Tali and worried about me and that's why you're here. I'm not stupid Garrus…"
"Didn't say you were and I know better than to insult you. I've seen enough to know the last thing anyone should aim for is to be your enemy," he returned easily with another chuckle before letting his voice grow somber. "Anyhow… given that you almost died on us once, can you blame us for wanting to keep any eye on you?"
"Great… now I have to be on constant watch to make sure I don't just drop dead on all of you," she gave a groan, shaking her head. "Just make me feel worse about dying at an inconvenient time…"
"If it will keep you alive…"
"Fine, fine. Now get me a drink since you dragged me away from the bar," Shepard interrupted with frustration laced within her voice, her brown eyes appearing darker with her glare. "And don't lecture me. Like I said… I deserve a decent drink at a time like this."
"Then I take it we're not going to bother looking for the assassin or the justicar?"
"Not even going to see Liara today. Not now that I just want to get wasted right now," she gave a sigh and lowered her gaze.
"Are you trying to stall? Think meeting her will be as bad as Horizon?"
But the commander shook her head again, running her fingers through her hair. "No. I'm not worried about anything like that. A little surprised to hear her as an information broker and I don't know what to expect from her, but… I'm not really worried about seeing her. Now…
"Didn't I tell you to get me a drink? Or am I going to have to stumble my way back to the bar?"
"Sure you want more right now? Whatever headache you have right now is going to get worse…"
"I told you no lectures," Shepard bit back, still glaring, but she relented, leaning back in her seat, resting her head against the seat, and jadedly turning her eyes over the other patrons around them, scoffing at the small bachelor party nearby. But she made no comment about the scene as she returned her gaze to his, raising an eyebrow again. "Look Garrus… if you're going to ask, ask. It's bugging me if you're just going to evade the topic even though you want me to talk about it…"
"Shepard, I told you before that I'm here if you need me, that it's foolish to not help you if you've got a problem, but I'm not about to push you into spilling your guts for my satisfaction," the turian explained somberly, watching as the woman's eyes soften and the aggravation in her face faded away. If he could smile, he would have as now… she was looking more like the good-hearted hero that was the best the galaxy had to offer. "I'm just here for the reason we touched upon earlier…
"Just making sure you don't up and die on us again," he teased with a chuckle before admitting, "And Tali's worried about you. She wanted someone to keep an eye on you."
"She would, wouldn't she? I guess I can't blame her," the infiltrator murmured, her fingers picking at her dark blond bangs. He heard that natural blond hair was rare amongst humans. He did wonder if Shepard was a natural blond. He figured she must be. She didn't seem like the kind that put vain emphasis on appearance. Good thing too, in his mind. He always thought that a female looked best in armor.
Not that his opinion would matter to her though. It was just a thought he had.
"I feel bad for her. She comes on to the team and I'm nothing but a miserable sap," the woman went on. "I couldn't be as ecstatic when she joined up as I was when you did. All because of that half-assed jerk," Shepard added, kicking her foot against the table.
"Then what Alenko said is still bothering you?"
"Partly," she sighed, this time turning her full attention onto the turian and admitted softly, "The problem isn't just what he said back on Horizon. It's that… I figured that the encounter meant it was over and should be."
"Don't tell me you're wishing otherwise," Garrus growled, allowing that aggravation to be evident with a twitch of his mandibles. As much as he admired the woman, there were times that she was just too idealistic and forgiving. Sure, he believed in second chances, but right now, the last thing he wanted to think was that Shepard was going to let herself get dragged down by someone who didn't pause and think about her before running off his mouth.
But as he watched a smirk cross her lips, he found his thoughts – thankfully – proved to be wrong. "Don't worry. That's not the problem. I actually had been able to put any thought of Kaidan behind me after our talk," she said, still smirking while Garrus almost thought he caught an eager light in her eyes… before her smirk faded and her gaze fell to her visor, her hands pointlessly fidgeting with the headpiece. "At least until recently.
"The problem isn't my feelings about whatever was between Kaidan and me two years ago. It's his.
"He… he sent me a message."
"What did he say now?" he asked, almost unwillingly, knowing that whatever was in that message was the heart of Shepard's current problem. It would be nice to ignore it – he wished the woman could ignore it; the woman didn't need more issues to deal with. But… he had long realized that the galaxy was never at all fair. "He had to find out how to contact you just to insult you all the more?"
"It wasn't an insult. Per say," Shepard sighed, turning her dark, somber eyes up to his. "He… he apologized. And he didn't come right out and say it, but… it seems like he wants to fix things up. Go back to what we supposedly had…"
Garrus didn't know what to say. As much as he still thought that Alenko should have spoken better to the commander, it wasn't his place to tell Shepard to forget about the man if the biotic was apologizing and trying to make things right. He shouldn't have said anything earlier, not while this was really between those two. He wasn't – and shouldn't be – involved.
But he felt that Alenko didn't deserve the woman. Not when she had more than enough people against her.
She didn't need someone that might possibly keep second guessing her.
But it wasn't his place to say anything now.
"So you're frustrated because you can't see him?" he chanced a guess, not sure what else to say at the moment.
But what he had said seemed to be the wrong words to speak…
"Didn't I just tell you I wasn't concerned about my feelings for Kaidan?" the infiltrator snapped, slamming a fist onto the table that startled not only the turian before her but other surrounding patrons. Even the men having their bachelor party paused to regard the outburst. "There's nothing anymore and I'm not about to fool anyone into thinking that there is anything. Not me, not Kaidan… no one.
"And what makes you think I want to go back to being with him? I told you about the fights. I don't need to deal with those again. Not when he's been shoving me away how many times. I'm sick of it and I don't need to deal with it…"
"I understand, but then… what's the problem?" Garrus returned cautiously, his hands held up before him, growing rather daunted by how angry the woman had become. And there were only a few times she really seemed to get to the point of breathing fire… basically just before she reminded her adversary that she did have a gun.
However, her rage faded as she sighed and slumped back into the chair, murmuring reluctantly, "Because… I don't like thinking about why I hate that message. It was easier to forget about him when it seemed like he really didn't care for me. But now… that's not what it seems like. Now all I can think if that he's just had to deal with so much and those two years only made a reunion worse than it had to be…
"And I'm the one that really doesn't care."
"I don't see how that's possible…"
Shepard gave another sigh, looking back to her tossed aside visor and again returning to pointless fidgeting with the piece. "I was sleeping with the man and not once did I tell him that I loved him. He never had a problem telling me that he loved me, but… I never said the same back to him.
"I never loved him. And… I don't even know why I reciprocated his feelings if they really weren't my own…"
"We were fighting an enormous AI ship and Saren had an army of geth and Krogan. You probably just wanted to ease the stress…" Garrus said nonchalantly, titling his head as he regarded the now despondent woman. He didn't really see why this was such a problem or why she didn't see the occurrence as such a situation. At least until he remembered the Alliance regs in fraternization. He never really understood those…
"I don't like thinking that," Shepard breathed softly, shaking her head as her face contorted with the look of distant sadness. "That I was only using Kaidan. I haven't been… that careless since I was in high school. I just… I feel wrong…"
"We all make mistakes sometimes. Even you're not perfect," the vigilante put in even though he did not want to say that, that Shepard was truly as flawed as any other being in the galaxy. But she really shouldn't beat herself down by thinking she couldn't make mistakes. Seeing her under such torment… it didn't sit well with him to see her like this.
Which made him glad to see an amused smile creep onto her lips as her eyebrows cocked with a sense of mischief. "Watch it Turian. Unless you want to go 'off the grid' while we're here." But however long that teasing demeanor had lasted though, it was fleeting. Her smile faded quickly as she gave a sigh and looked off, again to the bachelor party. Then her eyes were on his, still sullen, but with a certain light of curiosity in her brown eyes. "So… well, have you? Slept with someone just to ease the stress? Someone you didn't love?"
Taken aback, Garrus couldn't hold back the startled cough he gave, glad that he wasn't drinking anything. "Ah… I think I won't answer that," he tried to evade her question, growing a little uneasy by how intently she was watching him. Just… when she had that look of analysis… you knew you couldn't hold a secret from her. "Knowing you… I'll get a full, angry lecture on something along the lines of injustice…"
And he didn't know if the smile that crept onto her lips as she leaned back gave him reason to relax… to was a warning that she got what she wanted.
Turned out to be the latter… "You know you just answered the question…"
"Damn," he hissed, breaking his gaze away from hers. But the silence that settled between them made him curious and he turned his gaze back to hers, intrigued by the smile still on her lips. "So… am I getting a lecture?"
She just shook her head and continued smiling, leaning back in her seat with obvious amusement and comfort. "Not if you buy me another drink. I'll be nice for once… since you've been putting up with me a good bit."
"You've put up with my bullheaded complaints…"
Giving a scoffed but nonetheless amused laugh, Shepard added, "Garrus… you're still bullheaded…"
"Exactly."
The smile edged into a smirk as she leaned forward, resting her chin on her hands, her dark eyes still not releasing that look of scrutiny. Only now… there was more of an… intent of some kind. And the turian couldn't discern what it was even as she spoke, "So why don't you just get us some drinks and we'll call it a date."
"A… a what?" he gave a gasp and he jerked upright, his actions only making her chuckle before she tilted her head to the side and leaned back with a soft smile on her lips.
"It's a joke, Garrus," she murmured softly before looking off to the entrance into eternity then returned her gaze to his. "Since I already decided that we won't be worrying about any recruitment or fighting… I'd say we just remain in this bar for a bit and enjoy our time. What do you think? Tali will probably be over in a bit as well too. And it'll be like old times. Too bad we won't have Wrex here to disgust her all his violence and vulgar mentionings. It was cute how I suppose she'd give the quarian equivalent of blushing by suddenly spouting off tech solutions and equations."
"Cruel human females," Garrus simply scoffed, partial feeling pity for the young quarian, but only partial. After all he had his share of evoking such a response from Tali, given he had seen some disturbing things in his time with C-Sec. Too bad though that Tali had gained a bit more of a violent edge and had already threatened him with her shotgun when he had attempted to tease her.
At least Shepard didn't seem as adverse to teasing as the quarian was now…
"Oh, don't start complaining and get our drinks," she laughed, waving a hand before he eventually stood to do as asked. "You haven't even scratched the surface of female cruelty. We can have some rather depraved tastes, Turian. But… our men can find such tastes quite… pleasurable.
"I'd imagine that a turian like you could handle quite a bit of such 'cruelty.' You're tougher than humans after all…"
"And I think you've had enough to drink today," Garrus gave a sigh, picking up her visor then quickly pulling her up out of her seat. "Better get you back to the ship before you start saying or doing something you really regret.
"And I don't think you want to end up frightening Tali in the process…"
"No fun, Garrus," Shepard grumbled as she once again relented and let him guide her from her seat and this time out of the bar. However this time she surprised him by wrapping her arm around his waist. He gave a jerk, one she noticed as they both turned their gazes onto each other and her brown eyes simply had a tender uncertainty to them, her voice soft as she spoke. "This bother you?"
"Uh… no. If it's easier for you to walk, this is better. Don't need you making a scene by falling flat on your face," he returned with a tease as he looked back before them. At first, what he said had been for her own sake. If it made her feel more comfortable, he wasn't going to tell her off. But… he also realized that it didn't bother him at all. Actually, he felt a little guilty to admit – even to just himself – he did enjoy this. She was hardly a woman that needed a crutch and he didn't think he could be much of one for her, but… he couldn't deny it. He enjoyed having Shepard's trust and being aware that she knew she had his. "I better radio Tali ahead and let her know we're heading to the ship…"
"Yea. Okay," the human nodded as she took his lead, the both of them ignoring the curious glances they were receiving. Or maybe she didn't exactly ignore them. He wasn't sure. Not as she added in a glum murmur. "Hey Garrus… have you ever fallen for someone you didn't think you could be with?"
Though his body didn't jerk this time, his mandibles did as he turned to regard her, but her eyes weren't on him. "A few times. But that's been awhile…"
"So I guess you never got with them…"
"Pretty much."
"I guess then thinking I might would be hoping in vain," she sighed, just as her grip on his waist tightened.
"I wouldn't say that," he tried to assure her, his talons clicking against her shoulder guard, an attempt to be comforting, but he doubted it. "You're Commander Shepard of all people. You tend to do the impossible."
"I hope you mean that in a good way…"
"I do."
"Well… maybe you're right then," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "I hope you're right."
"Everything will work out, Shepard. If anything, things tend to go along just as they should around you. Even with Alenko. Like I said before… you're better off without him. Just forget about him. You'll be fine…"
"Yea. If I've learned anything, it's that he's not the one I need. But…" She gave a last, heavy sigh as her free hand reached for his by her shoulder as she murmured softly, "Garrus, I hate thinking about who it is I might need. I'm worried that won't work out."
"It will. Because you're Commander Shepard. But I think you need to sleep off some of that alcohol. Last thing we need is a depressed commander…"
"Yea… I know. Anyhow… Garrus, thanks. I mean it. I'm glad you're here," she whispered. And that was the last thing she said on the long walk back to the Normandy.
Endnote: Eh... I don't know what I have to say here, except I should have had more fun with a drunk Shepard. Darn. I did have a few more ideas to the situation, but... they would have taken away too much from the scene, so this is all that happens.
R&R