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A/N: Disclaimer, the characters setting and familiar situations belong to Stephanie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended. I'm not making any monetary profit from this.

Bella

Friday, July 16.

Sitting at my desk, alone in my room at the moment - one of the few times I am alone. It's 2:30 in the morning and the house is quiet. All except for my thoughts.

It's been two weeks since Jacob left and I haven't heard anything about him from the others. I've got my spies on the rez who keep me informed more or less about the goings-on there - with Billy, with Sam and Emily, with the pack's dramas, just everyone really - but no one's heard anything about Jacob.

Where is he? Seth said Sam made the order for the pack to not shift for a few days giving Jacob some time to himself. The last time anyone seems to have had any contact with him he was somewhere in British Columbia going north, that's when all communication went quiet. What could this mean? I'm guessing it's because their pack mind link only goes so far. But I heard Jacob say once that they could go as far as 300 miles with no problems. So does this mean he's gone further than that? Where's he going? What else could cut off the mind link to the pack? Maybe he's been...?

Maybe he's just gone out of range, yeah I bet that's it. I can't let myself worry too much about it but I just don't know how to do that. I know I worry about some pretty "irrational" things sometimes, as Edward and Alice are always telling me, but I mean, what am I suppose to think when I have nothing else to go on except my vivid imagination? And I can imagine some pretty wild things. Jacob knows this! Why would he put me through all of this knowing I worry about him? Would his pack know if he were in trouble? Could they help if they did? He knows, or at least I hope he knows, that I would be there in a heartbeat if he needed me. At least he used to know that. Maybe I don't have any right to that now. Maybe all my rights as a friend were forfeited the minute I accepted Edward's prop…

"Breathe Bella Breathe!" the voice in my head said urgently. My voice. I hadn't noticed it while I was making my latest journal entry, but apparently I stopped breathing normally and began to hyperventilate, again. It became hard to focus. My heart was racing, I was breaking out in a cold clammy sweat and I couldn't seem to fill my lungs, each breath more shallow and thicker than the last, as if air were now more solid than before. All this made my sense of panic that much worse. Remembering what to do, I immediately put my head down between my knees, closed my eyes and began to breathe slowly through my nose trying to calm myself and just focus on air going in. From my seated position I was able to ease it down in no time and my head stopped feeling like it was stuffed with cotton. My lungs began to fill with precious air and the stars behind my eyelids lessened. A few more deep breaths and the world stopped spinning. I was finally able to feel like myself again.

On feeling better I took a break. I stumbled into the bathroom holding onto any surface I could touch - as I still felt somewhat unsteady - and made my way to the sink. I hated to look in the mirror, but morbid curiosity got the better of me. As I suspected, I looked awful. I was literally grayish, like a combination of bluish-green and white. I also looked splotchy and out of breath, like I just ran a mile or something. Frankly, I looked like I haven't slept in days, and truth be told I haven't. I haven't been able to sleep through the night since Jacob left.

I splashed my face with cool water several times and just stood there looking at my reflection as I braced myself against the perpetually cool sink. When my color returned to normal, and I felt more like myself, I went back to continue my entry and plopped down into the chair.

Phew! Another panic attack. I'm not sure what brought this one on. These 'episodes' just seem to come and go every now and then and I'm always surprised when I get them. It's hardly the first time I've felt this way but always before it was because there was some life-threatening situation involved, or something so immense that my mind had no other way of handling it except to shut down. Usually having to do with one of Edward's kind trying to kill me. It seems like forever and a day since someone's tried to kill me though, and certainly nothing's happened in the last few minutes. I had almost forgotten what life felt like without a guillotine hanging in constant suspension above me. I thought that once everything settled down and got back to normal (normal for me is being engaged to a vampire, best friend's a werewolf and hates me and I'm about to become a vampire, too) things like nightmares and cold sweats and panic attacks would stop. But they seem to have gotten worse. The worst part is that I can't quite figure out what's causing them.

Even with Edward around. Edward usually has this way of making me feel like everything is going to be alright, even when I have no idea if it will be, but I'm still getting them. He's really beginning to worry about me. He thinks maybe I should see someone but who in their ever-loving mind wouldn't believe I were completely insane after hearing about my two years in Forks? And I couldn't lie. Carlisle wants to help but I owe too much to the Cullens already. A therapist would want to know every single microscopic thing, so that option's out. A doctor might prescribe me something to help me sleep or help me relax at least, but I don't want to be in a constant fog or worse - addicted to something. Yeah, that's all I need. I agree I should talk to someone about this, but who? I can't tell anyone about the vampires/werewolves or my relationship with them. Partly because it would put Edward's family in danger with the Volturi if any secrets were revealed, and too, who would believe it?

I shuddered at the memories of the Volturi.

I really don't know what I would have done without Edward this past month. He's really been amazing. My crying fits for Jacob have ceased finally. It has taken much longer to get over him than I thought but with Edward holding me while I sleep, stroking my hair, humming my lullaby, it's been bearable. There are even some days when I think, "I'm going to be okay, this is a good day," but then something will happen, like if I hear the roar of a motorcycle or see images of waves and couples walking on sandy beaches in commercials or even the rare times the sun peaks through the clouds. It seems I'll never be able to see the sun again and not think of Jake. Every time I feel the warmth on my face, it's almost as if he's here with me again, keeping me warm, dry, and safe. My own personal s...

Too overcome to finish I put the journal away and curled up in bed to let myself feel what I'm denied to feel most times, the loss of my best friend.

It's been an insane month for sure, more ups and downs than ever before. I lost Jacob, I reluctantly agreed to get married (at 18,) I incurred the wrath of both my parents who haven't really been in sync on anything in a long time and who still haven't forgiven me and I'm about to lose nearly everyone I love. There are so many things I wanted to experience as a human before...well, before I die. I'm about to become a vampire, and from everything everyone has told me, they have a drastically different perception of things than humans. But at least I'll have Edward. It's all worth it if I have Edward in the end. Isn't it?

There's so much to think about, so much to remember. Too much actually, it's sometimes hard to keep it all straight. And to top it off, I can't tell a soul about any of it. Sometimes I wonder, did any of that really happen? It feels like it's too much, like I'm going to burst thinking about it all. Maybe that was what my mom picked up on when I broke the news of my engagement to her.

Nearly a month later and the memory of it still unnerves me.

- - -"ISABELLA MARIE !"

I cringed at the sound of my first and middle names being virtually screamed into the phone at me. Edward, standing right beside me, didn't need super vampire powers to hear her and neither did I. I probably could have heard her without a phone.

I wasn't looking forward to this conversation but Edward held my hand the whole time and helped me work up the courage to speak with her. Fact is, being the coward that I am, I managed to find every excuse in the book not to call. I just didn't know how or what to say about my pending nuptials. But there was simply no way around it. Weddings take time and planning, and I know my mother. She'll definitely need time, but I knew that no matter what, ultimately she'd be happy for me. You know, once she's settled down and all; weeks, months, years later. But for now, it would be like lighting a fuse and running to escape the shrapnel.

I remember thinking at the time - I'd rather fight off the Volturi again than talk about this with her.

- - -"Mom, calm down, let me explain!" I countered.

- - -"Explain? Calm down? How am I supposed to calm down when I find out, through the grapevine no less, that you're getting married?" Renee cried.

That grapevine, of course, was my beloved father ratting me out. He was pretty nonplussed himself when Edward asked for my hand in marriage in grand old-fashioned style, not that it mattered. Charlie went ballistic. He said it was because of my age, but neither Edward or I think that was it, not all of it anyway. Doing the math, we've only actually been together over a year (it's only been a year?) and I was in a zombie-like state for half that year - all because of Edward - in my dad's eyes. Even though things had been civil between those two, dad still had an extreme dislike for Edward. Maybe it was all of the above, who knows. Even I had to admit this all sounded pretty bad.

Charlie had lightened up on him after he saw how Edward was genuinely worried about Jacob when he got hurt last June. Of course, my father was still in the dark as to the real reasons why. But even that wasn't enough to accept Edward into his family. That would have been too easy. Charlie said he'd prefer that I be with anybody else, but truth be told dad would have had a hard time letting anyone marry his daughter. But not enough time had erased any of the wounds my father endured while I was in my own private Idaho last year, after Edward left me. I don't think my dad is capable of forgiving or forgetting that.

I do wonder though what his reaction would have been if I had said I was marrying Jacob Black instead. Unable to control it, my heart suddenly fluttered at that thought.

- - -"Mom, I can't talk to you when you're this upset. Please let me talk," I reasoned.

Renee took a few more audible breaths, clearly trying to calm herself enough to let her only child explain. Although I knew in my heart no explanation would be good enough.

- - -"Mom, I know this wasn't what you had in mind for me. Believe me, I never ever thought about getting married at 18 either," I said through gritted teeth, glaring at Edward. He was grinning coyly.

Okay, so far so good, she's listening. Time to lay it on thick and make it sound good. I can't lie convincingly in person, maybe I'll do better by phone.

Exhaling sharply, it all spilled out in a rush.

- - -"But this is what I want, mom. Edward and I have talked and talked about this and we just feel this is the natural course for us. It's time. It doesn't have to make sense to you or dad because I know you both have ideas for me and I have my own dreams and ideas, too. Getting married won't change that. On the contrary, Edward wants me to pursue what I want. Actually, getting married makes perfect sense when you think about it. We're a team. As Bella Cullen, I will have access to things and opportunities that I just don't have now. I'm not getting married out of convenience, but there are advantages to this beyond silly romantic fantasies you think I might be having, and judging by your reaction that's exactly what you think. I love Edward very, very much and want to be his wife, more than anything."

As I finished, I realized how hard it was to say that last part. Not the part about loving Edward, that's never been anything but true, but the part about wanting to be a wife when in reality it was the furthest thing from my mind.

Renee seemed to be at a loss for words, which can mean one of three things: She had an aneurysm; she had a total breakdown and can't process new info - or she's thinking about it - and if that's the case that's a good sign.

It was option 3. Needless to say, it was a long and exhausting conversation, all 15 minutes of it - the longest 15 minutes of my life. Towards the end, however, mom understood how important Edward was to me, how adamant I was that I wasn't pregnant and most importantly, I knew what I was doing. She just had to trust me on this, and for a mother who has been out of the loop for quite a while, I knew it was a lot to ask. But what could she do?

This was clearly an idea she was going to have to get used to and she still had some time to do it, or so I thought. The wedding date, August 13, seemed like such a long ways away back in June. But now it's less than a month, and seemed to be accelerating at an incredible speed.

Plus, to make matters worse, Alice is in charge of the whole thing. What was I thinking?

Once mom got over her initial shock and subsequent disappointment, not to mention all the questions like, "And you're sure you're not pregnant?" she began to settle down enough to let the contents of my well-rehearsed fully prepared dialogue sink in. I tried to come up with as many Renee-istic questions as I could the night before and rehearsed each answer until I had it perfect. At least I thought I had it perfect.

I was ready for anything except for when she asked, "Are you all right? I feel like there's something you want to talk about?"

Taken by surprise that we were now off-script, I was left on my own to come up with something believable which I don't do well. I told her everything was fine and I was happy and this is what I want, etc. but I got the feeling it didn't ring true. Mothers have an eerie sense about things. It was annoying.

That phone call seemed so long ago.

The minutes ticked by now, each one went by more slowly than the last. I continued to lie on my side, holding my knees to myself. It's now 2:57 AM and even in summer in Forks, the temperature outside was chilly and wet as always, but inside, my room was much warmer than normal. In fact, the extra heaters I placed in my room made it almost sweltering. Edward's constant presence usually counterbalanced it, but tonight I felt the warmth on every part of my body, with the covers drawn especially. Yet I lay cradled, very much the way I used to do when Edward left the first time. Perhaps because this was the only way I felt safe thinking about Jacob. It didn't feel okay any other way somehow.

Now that no one is on red alert anymore, Edward and the rest can come and go when the mood strikes for hunting or whatever and no one felt the need to babysit me. I was insistent on that actually. Especially since I had nowhere to sneak off to anymore. This thought saddened me.

Edward being gone on his latest hunting trip gave me time to ponder.

He's here so much, comforting me so much, I haven't really had a chance to figure things out, or get over Jake. When Edward is here and he's kissing me I just stop thinking, I stop breathing, and for that moment I'm completely lost to it. Time, space, distance, it all comes together and gets confused and entangled. Because none of it matters, so long as he's kissing me nothing matters. It's heaven.

But then there are times like this. Those rare times when I'm alone to my own thoughts and feelings and emotions that aren't being masked or smoothed over and that's when I realize how much I still miss Jacob.

I realize now I haven't made any real progress at all. I would give every penny I ever had or ever will have, if I could just see his smile one more time. To know that he's all right again. I have to know he's all right. The memory of his reaction when he would first see me, smiling My smile at me, the one that's not forced or with pain in his eyes - I love that memory. I always find myself smiling involuntarily when I think of it, and yet, it hurts me now just as much.

It takes an awful lot to get me to cry, I don't cry over just anything, but something's changed inside me. I know when I can't hold it back any longer, I can feel it coming, it builds and builds. It feels like high tide coming in and a wave about to wash over me. I could stop it if I wanted. I could drive to the Cullens', I could go for a run, I could do any number of things to stop it in its tracks.

But I don't want to stop it. I want to feel it. I want to feel every single tear, every hard breath, every ache, every muscle from my feet to my head tense with emotion. I hate how this feels, and yet I invite it in. I deserve to suffer, all day, everyday for what I did to Jacob...for what I'm doing to Edward. He tries so hard to stop my suffering but I don't want that. I don't deserve it.

I almost wish Edward would go away or something, somewhere safe, just for a little while. I don't know how I can even say that. It's so unbelievable that I could even think that but it's true. I don't really want him to leave. The very thought frightens me how I'll feel. I've felt it once, I don't ever want to feel like that again. Even now, a 2-day hunting trip seems like such a long time. But I feel like he's coddling me, like I'll break if he looks at me too hard or I'll fall apart spontaneously. It's true I might, and knowing my luck it could happen, but since there's nothing after me anymore - right this second - there's really nothing for him to worry about. I just need time. I need time to feel bad, why doesn't he understand that? Even when I've asked for alone time he always sees to it that at least one of his family's here. He just doesn't get it.

I know I can get through this. If I could survive Edward leaving last year, I can survive anything. But it's not just the guilt that's eating me up, as much as I might want to say that. I promised myself I wouldn't lie to myself anymore about my feelings, I've wasted enough time doing that. My new feelings I realize now aren't so new after all. Now that I'm not afraid of them, I can see things clearer than I ever could before. Maybe I'm getting wise in my old age. Not likely but how else do you explain it?

My newfound crystal clear hindsight saw the precise moment I realized my feelings for Jacob. Even more revealing and difficult to admit, is that wasn't the moment I fell for him. It happened a long time before that earth-shattering kiss…much longer. Also, I see someone who was completely oblivious to something everyone else seemed to know. How could I have been so blind for so long?

I see myself in a light I never thought possible and I hate it. I see someone so caught up in herself, so selfish, so blind to everyone else's pain, that as long as I got what I wanted nothing else mattered. I see myself for what I've become and I'm ashamed.

My memories transport me to a time when I could have turned right, but went left instead. Why couldn't I have just turned left to begin with? What was the point of all this? But second-guessing doesn't seem to help, nothing does.

I need to get over Jacob and the sooner the better. But I don't know how to do that with Edward watching me and taking my pain away. Nobody's taking Jacob's pain away.

Then, as if waiting for the right time - before I could force it out - a memory of me and Jacob at the beach played before my eyes,

"And you think that if you haven't seen her yet, then she's not out there?" I asked skeptically. "Jacob, you haven't really seen much of the world — less than me, even."

"No, I haven't," he said in a low voice. He looked at my face with suddenly piercing eyes. "But I'll never see anyone else, Bella. I only see you."

That did it. The tide that had been threatening to wash over me did so in one fell swoop. Tired of dad not getting enough sleep, I sobbed quietly into my pillow already dampened with tears. Another exhausting night lay in front of me.

Charlie's snoring went blissfully undisturbed.

A/N: I've been getting a lot of troll "guest" reviews lately and it's comical to say the least. First off, you should know, I don't post these blathering idiots' reviews and I don't read them either. You can tell right away what it is and the very second I realize it I delete it unread. It's not worth my time because MOST of the time these morons harp on ridiculous things and lead me to believe they didn't actually read ANY of my chapters, or they're too stupid to get it. Which is also very likely. Other than that, the response my story has gotten has been phenomenal and I'm so thankful. It's a long story, so pace yourself.

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