***The next couple of chapters after this one will be from Jacob's POV, just in case someone was wondering. :) ***

Only in my dreams

We left the Cullens' a few hours later. I calmed Alice down as best I could and we made up, although no one was exactly mad or anything, but she was apologetic just the same. She promised to go hunting right after we were done - that alone would improve her disposition - and just to show there were no hard feelings we went over every mind-numbing detail of the wedding ad nauseam. Thoughts of eloping to Las Vegas continued to pop into my head, which was a mistake I considered seriously only once. Alice saw my plans and begin to panic all over again. It took some doing to get her to calm down even with Jasper's help, so I assured her as best I could I wouldn't elope. I never had any real intentions of doing it. Just fantasizing. A girl can dream can't she?

Back at Charlie's house I was in the kitchen getting the meatloaf ready for the oven, "Ok, just a little more tomato sauce and I'm done," I mumbled to myself. I knew Edward wasn't the slightest bit interested, it all looked the same to him. For a vampire, this stuff was truly revolting.

"So what do you kids have planned for tonight?" Charlie asked, holding his boots in his hand.

I was placing the meatloaf in the oven still lost in thought when I realized he asked me a question. "Hmm? Oh, just some more wedding stuff mostly. The seating chart for example needs some attention," I said. I neglected to fill in the part where Alice was feeling way over her head and sinking fast. Even though Charlie hated discussing anything to do with the wedding, he would have berated me if he thought I was taking her for granted and not doing my part. He just loves Alice to death. No pun intended.

"Oh, well, okay then. I'll just be going to the store to get some supplies. I'm going fishing with Billy this weekend and we need some things. We're running pretty low on some ... fishing gear."

I was fully aware of the type of "supplies" that were vital for a good fishing trip.

"I somehow don't think the fish are all that interested in beer, but whatever works for ya," I said with a smirk. I could hear Edward snicker a little behind me.

Charlie just looked at me with a snide look and said, "Oh, haha missy, aren't you a funny thing. I'll be back in a while, try not to burn the house down. Sheez," he said with a smile. After pulling on his boots he tucked his rain jacket under his arm and was still chuckling to himself as he headed out the door.

Sitting at the kitchen table, going over the seating chart was about as bad as bad gets for me when it comes to these things, but I was managing. Less than a month till the wedding and Alice has every single minute detail already planned out, just hasn't been able to execute it for one reason or another. So it became necessary for me to handle at least one of the details. She didn't want to allow me to participate even in this small way, but she was strongly outvoted so I felt obligated to do a good job.

I was trying to make sense of the chart when I noticed Edward was unusually quiet.

"Is something wrong?" I asked. His look was one of reflection and my remark broke his concentration. He looked almost surprised.

"No. Not at all," he said quick to answer and smiled to suggest everything was fine. I didn't buy it.

I looked at him suspiciously and said "Edward," in a tone suggesting I knew something was up.

He exhaled and said, "It's just something your father was thinking before he left. I didn't tell you because I thought it would make you sad."

I looked down a little confused and maybe a little worried, too. I thought everything was going great, probably the best it's been around here. Dad seemed to be a little easier to live with now that the whole wedding idea sunk in a little. I would swear that as time went by he's even softened up a little bit. Before, leaving Edward and I in the house alone for any unspecified amount of time wasn't easy. Worried about the inevitable, I imagine.

It's as though now that we're engaged he doesn't have anything to worry about anymore. I couldn't imagine what could be wrong now.

"What was he thinking?"

Edward was really reluctant to tell me but decided to anyway, probably because he knew I would eventually needle it out of him. "He was happy. It wasn't really a dialogue per se, just a lot of images of having you around, memories of all the funny jabs you two give each other, and how he's going to miss that when you leave. You fill this house with love, Bella, he missed a lot of that when you were growing up and he's glad to have it now."

Edward was right. The sadness and the guilt overwhelmed me. My heart swelled with so much love for my dad. I guess it was because of our late start with the father/daughter connection, but some part of me always held up a wall when it came to him. I guess some part of me always needed to protect myself just in case my living here didn't work out. Now, dad and I are in the best relationship we've ever had and I'm getting ready to leave again, only this time it's…

I had a hard time even thinking the word - Forever. At some point, Edward's family will have to tell mine that I died. It's the only way.

But as sad as this thought made me, I've made up my mind and as hard as it was going to be to leave my parents and friends, my course was set. I can't be with Edward as a human. Something always seems to happen, it's as if all the forces in the universe are conspiring against us trying to tell us what I already knew, being with Edward means I have to be a vampire, too. And in spite of it all my love for Edward has never wavered. I'll do away with my fragile body and we'll finally be together and no one can interfere ever again. Missing my family and friends is a sacrifice, one that gets harder and harder to make as time goes on, but it's something I have come to terms with. I just can't see another way. Losing Edward is just not an option.

Charlie came back just in time and we all had dinner together, except for Edward of course, but Charlie was used to his excuses by now.

After the dinner dishes were done and the last baseball game was over, Charlie poked his head in the kitchen, "Well I'm going to bed. Do you have work tomorrow?"

"Yep, Karen wants me to come in extra early for inventory."

"Well okay, don't stay up too late then. Good night all," Edward and I chimed good night back to him.

A little later after Charlie went to bed things got quiet again. I decided to try and finish the seating chart on the kitchen table as it had the most room. I planted myself in the chair and got to work.

A little later, Edward asked, "Bella, love? Are you all right?" he looked at me curiously.

"Huh? I'm fine, Edward. Just working on this dreaded seating assignment. Why do you ask?" I replied offhandedly.

"No reason, I was just checking to see if you wanted to talk about anything, or if you're just hungry again," he said, looking down at the well-indented marks I left on my pen cap.

Apparently, I had been gnawing on my pen with fierce determination lost in my thoughts. Edward worried about everything when it came to me these days. His attempts to protect me from everything and everyone, even myself has turned him into a worrywart.

"Oh," I laughed at myself to show I really was okay and he stopped tensing and smiled his beautiful smile back at me.

We were both being ridiculous.

"I thought maybe now would be a good time to talk. That was some dream you had the other night," Edward continued.

I grimaced.

I wish I could have learned how to control my dreams. I have heard there is a way to do that. I should look into that some time. But seeing as I won't be a human for much longer there's hardly a point to it now. Except for times like this.

It's one thing to have to endure my own nightmares. As awful as they are, at least I'm the only one who has to deal with it. But when I talk in my sleep, all my fears and innermost thoughts are out there for the world to see. It's so embarrassing. And since Edward spends nearly every night with me, except for the occasional hunting trip, he has a ringside seat to all of my nocturnal happenings.

Sometimes they're not so bad. Edward has told me that I go on and on about the crazy things Alice is doing for my wedding, going way, way, way overboard as usual. And then there are the other times. The other dreams that start off as ordinary and end with me waking up shaking, sweating, sometimes screaming or with just a sense of foreboding. Sometimes I can remember them, other times I'm glad I can't. But regardless, Edward is there to hear it all.

Surprised at the topic, I said, "What? Oh No! What did I say now? Edward, you have to remember, I can't control what I dream much less the drivel that comes out while I'm dreaming. It's just noise, that's all. Please don't be upset about whatever stupid thing I mumble in my sleep," I finished by stroking his cheek with the back of my fingers.

A small smile crossed his face as he looked down, unconvinced, as if to be searching for the right words. "Bella, look at me." I had begun to look over the chart again, determined to make some sense out of where to seat my relatives alongside the vampires. This may be the strangest seating chart known to mankind.

"Huh? Oh, okay, I'm listening," pushing the chart away from me. "I actually am a little curious now that you mention it." Exhaling sharply, "Okay, so, what exactly did I say?"

Edward continued hesitantly, "Well it wasn't just a random dream. You seemed to be reliving a memory, well, several memories from what I could make out, the day of the battle in the clearing for example. Also, you talked about Jacob." This last bit seemed to concern him the most.

We never talk about Jacob, never, so to hear him say his name jarred me. This gave me a bad feeling. It's not the first bad dream I've had about Jacob. Most times Edward says I call out to him as if to catch him before he leaves into the darkness, where to I can only imagine. But there have been a few dreams that were vivid enough to make me scream out in horror, namely the moment when the newborn crushed Jacob nearly to death. I wasn't there to experience it first hand, but in my dream I do, and it's traumatic.

Seth and Edward's reactions through the pack mind that day was enough to fill in the gaps for my overactive imagination to create its own horrid account. Carlisle, reluctantly, told me the extent of Jacob's injuries and sometimes I dream I'm there watching helplessly. I'm forced to hear every single one of his bones break simultaneously as he cries out. I shudder to think of it now.

"Okay, I'll bite. What did I say exactly?" I was genuinely curious now.

"Well, it took me a few days but near as I could piece together, your dream seemed to start off in the clearing, only you weren't alone. All around you were the newborns, they surrounded you. You raised your hand to try to shield your face and noticed the cut on your arm from your last birthday party, it was gushing blood. Then, you mentioned something about their eyes, then they rushed you."

I flinched at the memories he was reviving for me. Victoria, and her puppet, Riley. And that poor little girl, Bree. Victoria's eyes were full of vengeance but Bree's was full of hunger - for me - for my blood.

"Then somehow your dream changed and you were suddenly back in Volterra, I believe in the great hall underground where the Volturi members ushered in all the tourists. You mentioned something about a little old lady clutching her crucifix. You tried to get her to follow you out to save her, but she looked terrified. Nothing you were saying could budge her. She apparently was terrified...of you. Because your eyes, your skin...you were a vampire, Bella. You were about to attack her when you woke up."

He looked down at my hands, both of which were now shaking, one hand was clutching the table and the knuckles on the other hand holding the pen were turning even more white than usual. He put his cold hand on top of mine, caressing my skin.

"Bella, breathe," Edward said.

I don't know how long I had stopped breathing, but if he hadn't said that I'm sure I would have gotten sick or swooned again. A wave of dizziness came and went and apparently I had broken out in a sweat. Thank goodness I was sitting down.

"Whoa," I said and shuddered.

I haven't actually thought or heard the words Volturi or Volterra spoken aloud in weeks, it seems like years almost. Had it only been a month? What with worrying about the wedding and trying to rein in Alice's grand plans, worrying about mom, dad, and Jake…just everything, and of course our plans for how and when to turn me into a vampire, I completely forgot to be scared. Until I go to sleep, apparently.

Well that would explain why my eyes hurt the next morning like I didn't sleep well, it's because I didn't. I just couldn't remember why.

"Are you all right?" he asked.

I nodded yes.

As the rush of the moment was passing and my pulse slowed down, due much of course to Edward's gentle touch, something just occurred to me.

"Oh, wait, didn't you say I said something about Jacob, too? I thought you meant he was in the dream but you didn't mention it just now," I said, curiously.

Looking somewhat sheepish Edward stopped caressing my hand, took his chestnut colored eyes off of mine and looked out the window instead. Again, he seemed to be looking for the right words. I've never seen him get flustered. I didn't like it.

"Well, again this is part of a memory mixed in with something else. The Volturi dream came first. You never fully woke up, so you were able to go right back to sleep. About an hour or so later..."

Starting to feel apprehensive, I asked, "What? What did I say?"

The suspense was killing me now.

I asked, "It can't be any worse than the first dream, can it?" Can it?

Edward sighed a huge sigh, and said, "Bella, just know I don't blame you, okay. I know it was just a dream, and well you're only human."

This didn't bode well, not at all. I hated it when he said things like that. I took another deep breath.

Trying to be calm, he said, "Bella, you were reliving that moment you shared with Jacob on the mountain, after I had left and Jacob conned you into kissing him."

Right away, and before he could finish, I looked down and was too embarrassed to look up again. A sudden flash of anger, embarrassment and pain all hit me at once. I will never forgive myself for that as long as I live, or exist might be a better word, and to make matters worse now Edward is suffering for my indiscretions as well. I don't know what was worse, allowing Jacob to guilt me, the fact that I kissed him back or that once I stopped fighting my feelings I didn't want it to stop. The last part was the hardest to deal with.

"Well, that's not all," Edward continued. "Your dream continued to get more vivid." Suddenly, I began to put it together; the way Edward had been looking at me, the times he seemed preoccupied, his mysterious disappearance and inability to explain, just everything. I couldn't go on, I wouldn't let myself think the words. He couldn't be talking about this could he? Please say it's not what I think it is!

I swallowed hard and hoped a cataclysmic event would happen, like the world would open up, or a meteor would hit me. Anything was better than this.

He continued with a pained look, "Uh, it wouldn't be gentlemanly for me to recount in detail, in the light of day everything you said but in case it's not abundantly clear by now..."

Kill me now.

"You dreamed of the kiss, and then dreamed about a lot more, with him," Edward said looking down, grinding his teeth.

Horror and shame struck me so severely that I just put my forehead down on top of my hands and hoped this was a dream in itself. No, this was a nightmare! I could feel the heat flushing through my whole body, and I just know every ounce of it wound up in my face. The heat was radiating off of me. I can't believe it, but it must be true.

I had a vividly erotic dream about Jacob...and Edward had heard the whole blasted thing.

"Oh my God," was all I could croak out.

Edward knew of the kiss, of course. We had already worked through this. But it was more than just a kiss or some stupid dream that bothered Edward and I was only too aware of this. Edward knew that kiss was The moment - the moment when I realized that I loved Jacob, not as a friend, not as a brother - fiercely and passionately. Very much so.

That kiss unleashed, unlocked and broke down every shield, every lie, every delusion I had ever had about us. We kissed in a way that Edward and I never have and never can in my current state and it's been all I could do to block it out.

The tent, the warmth…the kiss. If I allowed myself, it would be all I'd ever think about. And there are times I do, but those times are just for me. My private yearnings and thoughts aren't meant for anyone else to see. They're mine and mine alone, locked away in my memory and my heart. I never wanted to hurt Edward with that kiss. I just thought, I just thought…I don't know what I thought. I guess I thought if I held Jacob close he wouldn't want to fight, but I was wrong. I guess I thought as long as Edward was with me I could keep him out of harm's reach and away from Victoria, but I was wrong. I've been wrong so many times. And now even my dreams are hurting him.

It would be unfair to compare them, there is simply no way to compare one to the other. Like Fire and Ice. Edward is cold and hard as stone but he's tender, loving, receptive, euphoric, and mesmerizing. Jacob is hot and as tough as a brick wall, and has about as much tact, but he's passionate, exciting, familiar, accepting, and most of all addictive. Edward's love is inexplicable, practically transcendental by human standards. Jacob loves me just as I am, with all of my failings, with all of his human heart and then some, which is boundless and unrelenting in its own way. They're both gorgeous, they're both brilliant in their own ways, and they both love me.

I just wish I deserved either of them. Especially now.

When I'm awake I don't normally allow myself to think about Jacob much. On top of dealing with my newly discovered feelings, it hurts too much to have him out of my life. It hurts too much knowing I'm the reason he's gone and may not come back and it hurts too much to acknowledge that I've lost the best friendship of my life. Even though Edward has been in my heart since day 1 it never occurred to me not even once there could be room for another. I love them in completely different ways. How can a heart love so much, so differently, so completely? How is it possible to love both equally?

But I don't love them equally, I reminded myself. I'm marrying Edward. I'm becoming a vampire just so I can spend my entire existence with Edward. I decided this long ago, long before I realized my feelings for Jacob. So that means I love Edward more, doesn't it? What else could that mean if not that? It's too late...isn't it?

When you get right down to it, I don't think about Jacob when I'm awake because I'm afraid. Edward is all I know, all I've dreamed about, all that my heart and soul have ever experienced. The whole idea of being with Jacob is an unknown variable that I've never even given any real thought to. I'll be getting married and leaving soon, so quite frankly it's not something I should think about now - maybe ever - not even if I wanted to. Isn't it better to have severed ties now and put it all behind us?

You would think so.

Now if only I could get my stinking subconscious to think so, too.

A/N: Disclaimer, the characters setting and familiar situations belong to Stephanie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended. I'm not making any monetary profit from this.