A/N: Just so you know, this chapter is a little bit everywhere, way more than usual, but I wanted to step back from some of the heaviness and move the story along.

Postmortem - BPOV

"You were very brave tonight."

Sniffing loudly, "I don't feel brave" I said, my throat constricting so much my voice was inaudible, but I knew Edward could hear me. The Volvo's smooth engine hummed happily as it whipped through the streets, much too fast as usual.

The tears streamed in endless streams. Just when I thought it was stopping, my last memory of Jake would start it up, again. For a moment I worried it was going to be as bad as the night I left him in his room, broken and beaten. I didn't think anything could match that night. I had never cried so much in my life. That had been my last memory of him until tonight, it's haunted me ever since. Back then, he looked as bad as he must have felt and I made it worse. Tonight was no better.

"Does he hate me?" I asked.

Edward looked at me like I was crazy. "Of course not. On what planet is that even possible?" he said, annoyed.

Even if Jacob doesn't hate me now, someday he will. I could take just about anything, except that.

"I'm so glad I'm going to be turned. I suck at being a human, more than anybody I know."

Edward laughed.

Shocked to hear this, I couldn't figure out why he was laughing at my pain, "What's so funny?"

"You are, Bella. You're talking to me, a vampire, about being human. Bella, I haven't been human in a hundred years, I'm no more human than this car. Your best friend in the whole world, in the whole universe - whom you seem to be inexplicably drawn to - is a wolf, for lack of a better term. For a year and a half this is all you've dealt with, this is all you know anymore, and on top of that you've gone through some pretty incredible things. Don't you think you're being a little hard on yourself? Besides, how do you know you're a bad human when you are never around any to compare?"

"That's not true, there's Charlie."

Snickering, "Well that's true, Charlie can be human sometimes." Just a funny little jab at my father. I didn't bother to try to defend him to Edward. In fact, in general I just tried to stay out of it altogether. Edward still doesn't understand Charlie's reluctance to our marriage. In Edward's time the father would have been more than partial to their daughter marrying young, especially to someone of Edward's breeding and money. But that was then. It seems my father and my fiance will never be of like mind on anything, which of course, puts me in the middle.

"And there's mom," I argued. "And my friends in LaPush, and from school. Where are you going with this?"

"Yes, your mother, who you've all but shunned out of your life. Your human friends, who you never see or talk to anymore, and everyone on the reservation who loves you hasn't seen you in weeks, of which they blame me for by the way - I must have heard THAT 100 times tonight. Don't you think I've noticed that you now only spend time with me and my family? I mean, don't get me wrong, Bella, my family adores you and I can't wait to spend every second of my existence with you. But that time hasn't come yet."

"Edward, we're getting married. I am going to be a vampire. In what could be a few short weeks I WILL be a member of the Cullen family in every possible way. Why shouldn't I spend all my time with your lot?"

"Because you're not a vampire, Bella, not yet. You're human. Bella, I know in some way you think you're preparing everyone for what's to come when you change over, but this isn't the way to do it, darling. You may be helping them adjust to the fact that you won't be a part of their daily life anymore, but believe me, nothing prepares a human for loss. Nothing, except maybe sickness and even then that's not the way you want to be remembered. It's been harder on you than you're letting on. It's even affecting you when you sleep and don't bother pretending it doesn't. As usual, you're thinking of everybody's needs except your own. Do you know how frustrating that is for me, Bella?" he said harshly.

I was so stunned. I had never heard Edward say anything like this to me before, well not since before we started dating that is. But back then he was trying to push me away.

"I don't know what you want me to do, Edward. Part of being a Cullen, as it's been told to me many times is to be 'meticulously responsible' as Alice puts it. How responsible is it to spend my life as if nothing is ever going to happen, when I know better? How am I helping them by pretending everything will be fine? I'm just supposed to - I don't know - go to the beach one day with my friends and then die suddenly the next? That's just cruel, Edward!"

"That's life, Bella. Humans live one day and die the next. It happens all the time."

"Edward, try to understand I have to do what I can to-"

"No, you don't!" he countered. "Don't you see what you're doing? You're martyring yourself, again. Bella, dear...I love that you're so selfless, it's one of the things I love most about you. But the decision to become one of my kind is yours and yours alone. And since this is what you've chosen, it's up to me to help you through it. The best thing you can do right now, Bella, is create memories for them, that's the best thing."

I sat quietly, mulling it over.

"The problem is, Bella, you're only thinking about this from one perspective, one direction. How do you want to be remembered? Do you want everyone's last memory of you to be that of distancing yourself from them? They're wondering what's going on with you. They're missing you. They're mourning you already and you haven't even died yet."

His words hit hard. I had no defense for it.

It never occurred to me they could be in pain, right now. It never occurred to me that by my trying to help them adjust to losing me they already felt they had.

On the verge of fresh tears, "I...I thought...if I gently removed myself from their life now, maybe my death wouldn't be such a blow," I said meekly, clearly not as confident as I once was in my theory.

"I know you did, darling," Edward placed his ice cold hand on top of mine and it made me shiver. He removed it and turned the heat higher. Curse my human skin, and goosebumps!

"You are kind to want them to suffer less. I'm sorry to be harsh with you, Bella, but I just wanted you to realize it all from the perspective of someone who's 'been around the block', so to speak. Vampires have witnessed more life and death outcomes than your human life will ever know.

"People get attached, even when you try to keep them at arm's length. Humans are naturally skeptical, suspicious. I've died many times because of that, nobody can play dead like me," Edward smiled. "Of course it was easier back in the day. It's not necessary every single time, every single move, but sometimes it was the only way. Have you ever wondered why it's so important to see the body at a funeral? It's because without that the human mind just can't believe it. Bella, trust me, I'm an old hack at this. It's important that the story of your death be believable, absolute. It'll work, but you have to stick to the plan."

That plan, of course, was to pretend to go off to college, when in fact, I would be going through the effects of the changeover. I wouldn't be able to be around any humans for months, maybe years. My "death" as far as anyone would know would come months after leaving home. People would think I was living a happy, normal college existence. Then at some point, mom and dad would get the call about my accident. Thinking about it never got any easier.

"Well, you make a good point. I'll think about it."

"I wish you would, Bella."

"For someone who's 'as human as this car' you sure seem to have a lot of insight into humans."

"A good hunter studies his prey," he looked at me with his eyebrow arched. I had to admit, something about that gave me the willies. "And I read a lot," he smiled.

I smiled, but I didn't feel any better. A few minutes later, I must have been in my own world because he said, "You're quiet."

"Just thinking about everything you said before. I think you make a good point."

"Good, because it seems like you've been floundering lately. Before, you said you wanted nothing more in this world than to become a vampire, and be with me. Now I'm not so sure."

"What?" He switched gears on me. How could he think that?

I stammered, "I, I thought this was about me being more a part of my friends' lives while I still can. Where is this coming from? Of course I want to be with you! That's what this whole thing is about - I can't live without my heart, Edward, and you're my heart."

Without missing a beat or taking his eyes off the road, "I'm not your whole heart, Bella."

I turned away and looked straight out into the lightless countryside, the only illumination were our headlights. There were no other cars on the road at this time of night. The city lights were just up ahead, its illumination lighting up the sky in all directions glowing a reddish hue. I turned away because even in minimal light I knew he'd see my expression and I didn't want him to see that. Again, his statement had trumped me. I clinched my fists wanting to say something. I wanted to shout it until my ears bled, every nerve in my body seemed to want to scream he was wrong...and yet nothing.

After a couple of minutes, I regained my composure, "Edward..."

"I know, darling, I know...Now." And he placed his hand on top of mine and left it there. We didn't say anything else the rest of the trip.

As I looked out the window into the darkness, it became clear to me that my time with Jacob at the wedding affected my fiance more than I knew. It wasn't the dance or just petty jealousy Edward was feeling. I could see the pain in his eyes...hear it in his voice. Yes, it was more than a dance that bothered Edward.

It's one thing to know something in theory, or rumors, or suspicion...it's another thing entirely to see it for yourself. You can delude yourself only so long before the proof smacks you in the face. Then you have no choice but to face the ugly, raw truth.

It occurs to me only now that Edward has never seen me and Jacob in that way first hand. He was never there when Jacob and I casually strolled hand-in-hand on the beach in LaPush, he was never around when Jacob was giving me warmth and protection many times over. Always before, all those times were while we were still just friends but that was the start of it, one intimate moment after another…after another.

We were falling in love. It was during those times that I loved Jacob the most and in retrospect falling in love with him was the easiest thing in the world, effortless. So much so, I didn't even know it happened until I thought I might never see him again.

But the timing was terrible. When Edward left a year ago, he was still so much a part of my heart, there wasn't room for anyone else. I didn't have a way of extricating him and I didn't want to. I couldn't love Jacob the way he deserved to be loved. My pain was still so palpable and raw, but somehow Jacob found a way around that. And I have to believe that some part of me wanted him to.

Edward's hurt feelings made sense to me now. I knew he had read Jacob's mind on other occasions and that he knew about the kiss, but it was just puppy love to Edward, nothing that could possibly compare to what he and I have. He hadn't seen the love behind it or what lead up to it or all the questioning of my feelings that followed. It was like, tonight, he truly saw Jacob and I for the first time.

I knew he saw my pain and how much I missed Jake, but I don't think he ever took how we felt about each other seriously.

But even though he was hurt, he was still here. He was here, holding my hand, and he still loved me even though I can't seem to stop hurting him. Even my good intentions as it turns out were hurting people. I didn't know what to do anymore. No matter what choice I make from here on, someone I love will be hurt. I know there's a hell, because this is it.

There was too much to think about. I knew we shouldn't have come to this stupid wedding. I knew Jacob would be there and yet I wanted to go anyway, I must be a glutton. What the hell was I thinking?

[Two days later, Jacob and Paul via the pack mind]

"Dude, you didn't know she was gonna be there? Everybody knew."

Great, Jacob thought.

"'Everybody knew.' Everybody knew and NOBODY told me. Thanks, man!" said Jacob, livid. "A little heads up would've been nice."

"Well it's not like it was a secret, you dummy. If you'd have wolf'd out before now you would have found out on your own. We never know what we can or can't say around you anymore," Paul confessed.

Paul had a point. Jacob has been sort of hard to live with lately. He felt pretty bad about that. Running at only half the speed he was capable, Jacob slowed down to a trot. The vamps weren't hunting today, so Paul and Jacob took the opportunity to run the perimeter. Only running the pack two at a time now, Jacob and Paul split up - there was a lot of ground to cover.

"I know," Jacob admitted. "I just didn't want to have to deal with anything yet. Still don't."

"Man, I'm glad I'm not you. I don't care what they say, I don't care if I imprint or not. I'm never falling in love. It ain't worth it!"

"Yeah I wish that for you, too. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Not even you," Jacob smiled to himself.

"Oh thanks, smartass. Hey Jake, why is it we haven't imprinted yet?"

"Well hmm, if I had to come up with a theory, it might be 'cause Jared, Quil and Sam were still fairly new wolves. Maybe that has something to do with it? Plus, we seem to only imprint on our soul mates, or whatever you wanna call it, not just anyone. I mean we are still human right, contrary to how you act sometimes," that made Paul snicker. "I think I saw a nature show once that talked about imprinting and its usually whoever the baby sees first that they have a devotion to, even if its not the same species. Like, if baby ducks see a human instead of their mother, they'll blindly follow the human."

"Wow, that's kinda messed up. So what I get you saying is, you think we either didn't imprint early enough or we haven't met our soul mates?"

"Yeah, or both. I mean look it, we've both been in the pack a while now, about a year and nothing. I figure we missed our window; the time when we should have met our mates and I guess we didn't. It's too late now. IF it was ever our path to begin with. I mean, you and I know imprinting's kind've not the rule."

There was silence for a while.

"PHEW that was a close one," Paul said.

"I know, huh," Jacob agreed.

They both breathed a sigh of relief.

Imprinting, in a way, seemed like such a sad way to live your life. To have such a blind devotion to someone, almost slave-like really, with no choice in the matter.

Still I guess it wouldn't be so bad to imprint, Jacob thought. Hearing the thoughts of those who have was encouraging. It doesn't feel slave-like to them. It's a kind of certainty that can never be broken or questioned. The devotion you feel to that one person never waivers. You never really hurt if they reject you because as long as the one you're devoted to is happy, then you're happy, sincerely. It seems horrible to be under such an absolute spell, to have no free will, but if say, Quil's Claire grows up and never wants a relationship with him in that way, he's 100% fine with that. He'd be the best man at her wedding if that made her happy. Hell, he'd give her away! He would be the guardian to her children. And one thing is for certain, he'll never love anyone the way he loves her so he'll never ever really hurt or feel lonely or loss as long as she's in his life - in some way. I gotta admit, to never hurt or feel rejected again sounds pretty damn good.

[Same day in Forks, Bella is calling her mother]

BPOV

"Bella? Bella! Oh my goodness. Phil, it's Bella!" Mom was shouting into the next room and the receiver all at the same time.

"Ouch! Can you bring it down a few decibels, mom - geesh! You make it sound like I've been on a deserted island or something," I said, laughing.

Mom laughed, "Well it has been a while you know, young lady. And you know I get excited talking to my Bella Bear," mom was practically cooing.

"Oh mom, come on, I thought I told you when I was nine I didn't want to be called that anymore."

"Yes, I know, and I just don't listen, do I? One of the many disadvantages of raising a middle-aged woman in a child's body."

We both laughed.

"Try having a child for a mom, that's always fun," I laughed.

"Hey now!" mom cautioned, snickering. "So what's going on, why the call?"

"I don't know, I guess I'm just missing you. Uh, actually, I do need to ask something. Do you mind if I come out and stay with you a couple of days? I know you and Phil are coming up for the wedding in a few weeks, but I guess I just need to get away from...everything."

"Really? You're coming here? When?"

"As soon as I buy a ticket and pack. Um, tomorrow too soon? The next day?"

"Will Edward be coming with you?"

"Not this time. He wanted to but he really wanted me to have some one-on-one time with you before I...before the big day. He's also going to try to rein Alice in a little more, someone has to keep an eye on her. You wouldn't believe the kind of pomp and circumstance she originally had planned, mom. Don't tell anyone, but I think there were sky writers and Friesian horses involved, I don't know. It was insane," I laughed uncomfortably.

Mom giggled, "I can't wait to meet her, she sounds like a character."

"You'll love her, dad does."

"Huh, it's not often Charlie gets excited about anything or anyone," I could tell she was mulling something over. After a moment of silence...

"Sooo, can I come out?"

"Oh my gosh, Bella, yes! You never have to ask that, honey, just come on. Give me a call before you leave though, so I'll know when to expect you, all right?"

Relieved, I said, "Okay, great! I can't wait to see you guys."

"Us, too. I'm so excited! Take care, baby."

[The next day]

I brought my journals with me on the plane and looked over some of the things I had written. I was glad I had written some of these things down, I was already forgetting things, things I didn't want to forget.

And some things I wish I could forget altogether. Like my embarrassing attempts at anything requiring coordination in gym class, the blood typing incident, all of my reckless episodes… how I felt for Jacob, just to name a few. Looking over my journals, there's just as much in here about him as there are about Edward and the rest of the Cullens. I even wrote a description of his face, his features, the perfect brown-almost-black of his eyes and how he looks when he smiles at me. I'll never see that smile again.

I was about to write a new entry but it became impossible to write anything. My eyes were so blurry I couldn't see a thing. It's amazing how easily they just flow now. It's like I sprung a leak.

I'm just being stupid. I shook my head as if to clear it, like an Etch-A-Sketch, and wiped at my face with the napkin that came with my drink, sniffing all the while. I don't know why I do this to myself. I'll be in Florida soon and I'll see mom and everything will be okay, I just know it.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

"Bella!" Mom rushed me at the airport.

"Mom! Mom, you're cutting off...my...air!"

Releasing her death grip, she said, "Oh sorry," still smiling so big. It was awesome seeing it again, it almost made me cry. We hugged again, but more gently.

"Where's Phil, I thought he'd be here, too?" I asked, looking around.

"Oh, he decided to stay with the car. He could have walked it, but he's still pretty tired from the physical therapy. They really work him."

We had started toward the luggage carousel. "Oh, how's his leg by the way?" I had forgotten to ask mom about Phil's leg in our last conversation. He had broken his thigh bone just prior to my graduation.

"Oh, he's doing wonderfully. He's out of the brace now and walking around pretty well, he just has to baby the leg a little. He'll still have to do P.T. for a few more months depending on his progress and then he's on his own. Good thing too, cause he's missed so much of the water and other sports related things he does that he was beginning to be hard to live with. You know Phil, always moving, he can never sit still. It really stinks to be living in Florida, beach capital of the world and not be able to do anything. You just can't believe what a difficult month it's been."

Thinking about how my month went, I took a deep breath and said, "Oh, I can imagine."

[Same day - in LaPush]

The phone is answered on the second ring, "Hello?"

"Sue, hi it's Jacob. I need to talk to you. It's, um, it's about your offer..."

...

***A/N: As always I have had the sweetest comments. You guys blow me away. I'm looking forward to posting the next few chapters, I've got some pretty cool stuff for you guys, so stay tuned !***

***Disclaimer: The characters setting and familiar situations belong to Stephenie Meyers. References to films or music also do no belong to me. No copyright infringement intended. I'm not making any monetary profit from this.***