***After this, the next couple of chapters will include a lot of Bella and the reason I mention this is because Bella will have her first adult epiphany, the first of many. It amazed me how through four HUGE books, Bella remained exactly the same, she didn't advance at all. Teenagers are dumb but not That dumb, they're supposed to learn from their mistakes, and generally do. It's called growing up. As Amy from Little Women once said, ~~ "We'll all grow up one day, Meg. We might as well know what we want." ~~ Out of the mouth of babes. ***

Windsong

"And you're sure you want to do this?"

"I'm sure," said Jacob.

Jacob sat on Sue's couch looking as somber as ever, yet with a determination she has never seen in him before, one of someone realizing his fate. Sue had known Jacob his whole life. She had seen him through many stages; childhood, the loss of his mother, puberty, the awkwardness of adolescence, and now this. It was hard for a grownup to ever see a child as anything other than a child. But then something happens that changes that.

Sue hadn't noticed it before, but somewhere along the way Jacob grew up. It wasn't the physical changes she was seeing. Jacob now spoke with an air about him that made him seem beyond his years. Whatever it was, Sue was seeing the heart and spirit of the man on her couch, and it saddened her to know that they were broken.

"Well, okay. I'll call Rebecca tomorrow and make the arrangements. Sam should be back from his honeymoon in a couple of days. I'm sure he'd want to talk with you in person before you go," Sue said.

"Oh I'm pretty sure about that, too," Jacob chuckled. "I wasn't planning on leaving before he came back. I just wanted to get things finalized and ready. The sooner the better."

Jacob wasn't really looking forward to this conversation with Sam. He knew Sam might try and talk him out of it, after all, Jacob has tons of family support here, too. Sam could even order Jacob to stay if he wanted. But Jacob felt somewhat confident that even if Sam made the order, he would still leave. But neither he nor Sam would want to force each other's hand like that, not over this.

"I'm glad you came over today, Jacob. I had some questions for you but you've more or less answered them already. So, you say that one vampire, Edward, read my mind, ay? That's disturbing, rather chilling, actually. Not to mention invasive."

Jacob didn't want to continue this conversation either. Every part of it dug deeper into the freshly opened wound from which he wanted escape.

"Yeah, he did. Bella let it slip when she started snooping by asking what my future plans were. There's no other way she could have known. I knew you wouldn't say anything to anyone for fear it would get back to Sam before I had a chance to tell him. Funny thing is, it's an innocent enough question. If anyone else had asked, I wouldn't have caught it, but she's a terrible liar," Jacob smiled subtly.

"Well there's worse things than being a terrible liar...like being a really good one, for instance. Well I'm sure sorry about that...for not covering my thoughts, I mean. Come to think of it Seth did tell me one of them could do that. I might have known they would try something. I hoped... We were trying to keep the peace at least. Maybe I might have been able to block him out if I knew how - "

"Oh, Sue don't worry about it, seriously. I'm not mad. No treaties were broken. Don't put any of this on yourself, you did nothing wrong."

"I know, but it upset you. I saw your face. And then later I saw you motion to me. You looked like a drowning man asking for help. It broke my heart. Any creature, I don't care what it is that could hurt my Jacob like that needs a good beating! Why I have a mind to—"

Sue was furious.

"Sue! I'm fine, really. Don't do anything rash, okay," Jacob had never seen Sue so angry. "And regarding Bella, just so you know, the treaty is still good...for now. Until they do something it's beyond all of us to do anything about when… there's nothing we can do until they… we'll know when it's happened because…"

The look of pain on Jacob's face said it all. The words wouldn't come out no matter how many times he attempted it. Saying it brought the same horrific image back to his mind, the same image that had tortured him for months. Bella dying a slow, unnecessarily cruel death and then arising a soulless, bloodthirsty killer. His Bella...looking crazed and hungry, with white frozen skin, and demonic eyes.

Jacob somehow hoped she would see the light and change her mind about turning into one of them. It was a long shot, but he hoped the fight in the clearing, seeing the red-headed killer and the newborns trying to kill her, smelling how they smelled when they burned would be enough to take all the romance out of it and she'd reconsider. It was his last card, his last dying hope.

Feeling the weight of this on his head now, it was too much, too much for anyone to take. Exhausted from lack of sleep and being mentally, physically and emotionally drained, he couldn't hold it back any longer. Seated on Sue's couch, crumpling his face up in his hands, Jacob broke down and wept.

Sue immediately rushed over and sat next to him putting her hands on his shoulders and around his shaking back trying to console him; but having lost someone herself, she knows there's nothing you can do or say that will help. Bella wasn't dead, yet, but she soon would be. The vampires will come up with some excuse for her like going off to school and then one day Charlie will get "the call".

"Oh Jacob!...I wish I could..." Her tears flowed as easily as Jacob's now. She loved Jacob like one of her own kids, and seeing one of your kids in pain hurts 10x more than your own.

She wanted to say she wished she could take all of his pain away, that somehow it would all be all right. But she didn't believe that anymore than Jacob would. Sue was glad Jacob was leaving. Seeing him like this - coughing out tears, crying the hardest she's seen him cry since his mother died - there was no way he could sit around and wait for that call and no way in the world she would let him. This was precisely the reason for sending him away.

Forcing Jacob to sit by and wait would kill whatever spirit he had left. Sue took in the cruelty of it all. Bella's about to succumb to an awful eerie kind of fate herself. Something along the lines of suicide, murder, dying, torture, sickness, brainwashing and being executed all rolled into one. How could anyone be okay with knowing this will happen to someone they love, and there's nothing you can do about it?

He could probably have even dealt with her marrying Edward, anything other than actually becoming one of them. But seeing Bella's resolve the other day made it that much more final. He was too late. She was as good as gone.

And to make it all so much worse, as if that's even possible, when it's all over, Bella is actually going to be one of those monsters. The same abomination the pack, including Jacob, destroyed a month or so before.

Doesn't that silly girl know how much she will hate Jacob and the rest of the pack? Sue thought. Doesn't she know the pack's automatic response will be to want to rip her to pieces and doesn't she know Jacob would rather kill himself first than do that? That would drive anyone insane.

Jacob was letting Sue cradle him now. Some time later he began to settle down. This was more than any one person could bear. But Sue being there for him did help. She held him until he got it all out and began to feel a little like himself again. He wouldn't change back into a wolf today. One person seeing him like this was enough.

"Thanks, Sue," Jacob said wiping at his face, not looking up.

"Anytime, Jacob. I could drive you home if you like."

Shaking his head, "No it's fine, I'd rather walk. If dad calls, tell him...tell him I'll be at the beach. He knows where, and I'll be home in time for dinner. It's my turn to cook anyway."

Looking surprised, Sue said, "You - cook? Since when?"

"Hey, I order pizza better than anyone I know, ask dad," they both smiled and laughed. Sue worried too much, and it marveled Jacob how much she and Bella were alike.

"Okay. Well I'm here if you need me. I'll be by tomorrow to pick up your tux. We should have returned them earlier but it's been crazy around here."

"Crazy, how?"

"Oh well, Leah, of course. She did really well at the wedding, you know. I was really proud that she would pull it together for Emily's sake. I thought she was doing better, but I guess it was just an act. She's been hiding in her room ever since and when she does come out she's pretty testy. I reminded her that she needed to finish the dishes and she cussed me out royally and smashed some of the plates. We haven't spoken since... Jake? Jacob!"

This little bit of news sent Jacob into a tailspin. For anyone to talk to Sue that way is beyond belief and for her own daughter to do it definitely crossed the line. No matter what her reasons, Leah had gone too far.

Sue stepped backed immediately. She could feel the heat rising off him like a furnace. He started shaking and the color emerging made his own skin color appear a sallow green. A low rumbling-like growl could be heard from somewhere within him.

In a rush of words, "Jacob! It's okay, I'm not upset. She didn't hurt me I'm fine! Pull it back! Pull It Back, Jacob!"

Remembering himself and where he was, he was able to stop the change mid stream, but not without difficulty. To be so far into the process, it hurt beyond belief, his screams were evidence of that. None of the wolves were capable of doing this yet and it didn't escape Sue's attention that if this had been any of the other wolves she might have been hurt, or worse.

And with a few more deep breaths, Jacob relaxed. He felt his heart slow down and the shaking stop. He bent over bracing his hands against his knees to rest. Each breath got easier and as long as he didn't think about Leah or her tantrums, he could normalize.

It's a good thing you're not here Leah, that's all I gotta say, Jacob thought. Your need to bleed is showing.

Sue wanted to console him and cross the few feet that separated them, but waited another minute. She was smart enough to not take anything for granted.

"Are you alright now?"

He scoffed, "You're asking me if I'M alright? Honestly Sue, you and Bella have some really messed up priorities."

"I was never really in any danger you big, mangy puppy. You're hardly the first wolf I've been around, you know." Her fortitude and humor was worth a million dollars.

Jacob laughed as he hugged her. She always knew how to make things feel okay somehow. She had a gift.

As she walked him to the door, she added, "Before you go, I also would like to add it really would be best if you didn't go anywhere remote right now. Sam's due back just any time and it's best if he heard your decision from you and not through some rumor. You know how people talk. He'll want to call a meeting with the elders as soon as he knows everything and we can proceed from there. Do you have any idea how long you'll be in Hawaii? Just curious."

"I'm not sure, till I feel better, I guess," he said.

It wasn't exactly a lie, it was actually mostly true. But he couldn't tell Sue his real timeframe. He knew if Sue knew his true feelings she might revoke her offer. The trip was only meant as a break, just short-term, but it's clear to him now that there was only one path left for him to take...

Never, Sue, Jacob thought. The answer is, I'm never coming back home. I can't risk it.

Jacob figured once he got over there and settled in and got used to the area and the people, maybe got a job or two, then he'd give everyone the news and there won't be anything they can do about it. A vampire would never set foot in Hawaii so there would be no chance at all of running into Bella once she's turned. It's too sunny, not enough of the kind of game the Cullens seem to prefer, and one vampire let alone a whole coven coming out only at night on the islands? It wouldn't be long before word would spread among the locals.

He knew that if he was home and there was even a chance of running into any of the Cullens - once the treaty had been broken - he would kill every single one of them, without regret, without remorse. Nothing would stop him.

But the thought of hurting Bella made his stomach turn. He could be endangering his tribe by letting his weakness get the better of him in battle. He could never raise a hand to her and could never live with himself if he did. She would have to kill him.

Jacob felt it was better to leave home, forever if necessary. But he hadn't planned on living forever. That was never the plan. The Quileute wolves can age. It will take some time to learn not to change but once it's been given up for good, they'll age like everyone else. It was his ace in the hole. He'll die of old age or some other human failing and Bella will live on, sort of. It felt perverse to think that, but at least she will have that. He didn't much care what happened to him.

Maybe she won't always hate him, he hoped. Maybe someday down the line, when the newborn craziness dies down and she can control her urges and live among humans again, some part of her will remember him and not hate the memory. He just wished he could say the same.

One more hug and then he left Sue's house. Again, the feeling of a weight being lifted from him almost carried him across the forest floor. Even without transforming, he was at the beach in a flash. He couldn't risk connecting to the pack mind and having his secret spill out to the others. He had made up his mind and as hard as it was to accept, it felt good. He'll miss his friends. He'll miss his dad, but Billy can always come and visit him anytime he wants. They all can.

He went to "their log" and stayed there a while. The wind from the North was blowing in gusts onto the beach and for once he was glad Bella wasn't here. He closed his eyes again and relaxed, inhaled the fresh sea air that was moving over him in gusts, and remembered in vivid detail his time with her. A storm was coming, bringing the Arctic wind with it. She would have been miserable, but she would have toughed it out like always. She hated the cold and wet more than anyone he knew, but as long as she was with him she could endure it and usually did. That was a million years ago though, he pondered.

Leaning up against their log, he felt a chill. This wasn't from being cold as he hasn't been cold in a really long time. It was the kind of feeling one gets when they feel like someone is watching them. He closed his eyes to listen and after a few minutes decided he was imagining things.

Trying to be practical, he decided to think of all the things he'd need to do in order to get ready for his trip, but the wind forced thoughts of Bella back in to him.

I've got to call Becca later and tell her thanks for letting me crash at her place. As much as a brother hates to admit it, I really owe her one. This cold-ass wind reminds me of when Bella would cuddle up to keep warm under my arm and it took everything I had to keep myself from shouting to the world at the top of my lungs how I felt about her.

Okay, yes, sometimes I stumbled. Sometimes just to see what she would say. I was always pushing the limits, testing the waters to see if she had changed her mind. Sometimes I thought she had. Sometimes it really felt like she wanted me to take a chance.

That's the part that really sucks. Because I knew, I knew she loved me. Friends sure, but I knew she felt more than that. We are more than that. It's why she could never go away for long, why it felt as though being together was the most natural thing in the world, I know she felt it, too. Like we were carved out of the same tree, somehow. Our connection, unexplainable.

There's only a few beings in this world that are monogamous; once they find their mates, they mate for life. Humans are capable of this. Wolves, too. Isn't that interesting.

I know I'll regret her for the rest of my life, even though at some point the very idea of me will repulse her. Someday when she's a vampire she'll look back on us with regret and she'll wonder - how she could have stood being around us "mongrels."

This made Jacob cringe. Going away is the right thing, it feels right. He pointed to the sea, pointed westward. Whatever his future was, he knew it was in the direction of the sun. That's where I'm supposed to be.

Speaking aloud, he sent a message on the wind, "I'm leaving soon, Bells, this time for good. It'll be easier for both of us, I think. I'll come back if my tribe really needs me, but I pray they won't. There's more than enough of us in the pack now, they won't miss me. I wish things were different. I wish we hadn't been robbed. Edward knows you were always supposed to be with me. He claims they don't take lives anymore. He's a liar...he stole two. But I love you more. And he knows that, too. I don't know what I'm suppose to do now, Bells. I'm lost, I don't know where I belong anymore."

A wild gust suddenly pierced the silence and blew a mist of seawater over him. He breathed in deeply and closed his eyes. It seemed to flow through him, forcing something out of his mouth; something reminiscent of a prayer, a vow, or a wish into the wind. He didn't know what it was. Another icy chill blew over him and into the trees. He could hear the trees moving behind him. It sounded almost musical.

He didn't know what he was doing or why. He seemed to be watching himself, as if he was outside his body looking down. He could hear words in his head, there was something so familiar about them, yet he's never uttered them in his life. It wasn't his voice but it still seemed to come from him in a way, from somewhere in his soul. Not sure what was happening or why, he began to say these words in Quileute, "Find your way, find me, my love."

Over and over again. It was profoundly tragic, yet so innately beautiful that he wasn't afraid of it. He must have chanted this a hundred times, maybe more. He had lost track and had no idea how much time had passed. He chanted till he felt better, and then it stopped as suddenly as it began. He knew what he said, he just wasn't sure what possessed him to say it. He felt tired, but also felt a strange sense of inner peace, the way a person feels after saying a heartfelt prayer to God and leaving it up to him to figure out.

He realized then that he had been trying to force things to move a certain way, at his speed. The Great Spirit - fate, destiny - moves at the speed he or it desires - not before. Jacob realized it was all completely out of his hands, and for the first time he was okay with that. Maybe there is a plan for him and maybe it was in Hawaii.

Although still unsure of his future, he didn't feel as alone as before. He wondered for a brief second if this was how his ancestor, Taha Aki, must have felt a long time ago when deciding his fate.

He felt good enough to go back up the hill, back to his dad's house. Billy would be home by now wondering where his son was. Although tempted, he didn't turn around to take one last look at their log or the beach. He would only see that she wasn't there and that's not how he wanted to remember it. He could draw their beach from memory.

I wonder how soon Sue can get the arrangements made? Jacob thought. The sooner the better I hope. Just a little while longer...just a little while longer.

He made his way back to the house, still slightly confused about what just happened. A storm was coming, inching ever closer, the trees never stopped rustling and swaying.

Not long after watching Jacob disappear around the bend, an unnoticed visitor silently leapt from the trees that were overlooking the beach, stealthily disappearing into the gloom.

***A/N: Disclaimer, the characters setting and familiar situations belong to Stephanie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended. I'm not making any monetary profit from this.***